You're downing your second martini while you wait for Abby who got stuck in a trauma at the last minute. She texted you and you told her you'd wait for her at your hotel's restaurant, no pressure. You know how traumas always manage to find you at the very last hour of a shift.
Well, not so much these days where you spend less and less time in the ER. You muse how sad it is that you miss getting your hands dirty, but you guess that's what happens when you're Assistant Professor of Emergency Medicine at University of Iowa.
There are days where you stand at your own office door and stare at that shiny name plate feeling nothing, thinking "Who is that person?".
The barman startles you "Hey, can I get you another one?".
You look at the olives at the bottom of your glass "Uh... I'm good. Thank you", you nod.
He smiles at you and winks "Let me know if I can get you anything...".
Is he hitting on me?
You return your attention to your iPad and your emails, not because he's not cute or you don't like the attention, but because you're trying to distract yourself from the anxiety of meeting her tonight.
Abby is such an enigma after all this time. You two email, skype each other on occasion but the thought of being with her in person unsettles you.
That afternoon in her apartment. all those years ago, woke something up inside you. When she kissed you, everything fell comfortably into place and it scared the shit out of you. You're kind of glad that the shut you out after that day because you know you would have stayed for her.
If she had asked. Which she never did.
So I ran away - I always run.
Get a grip Lewis, you have a beautiful 10 year old boy at home and the career you wanted. And Abby has Luka and Joe and they're a family. All's good.
"Susan?", you look up and see her looking at you, a smirk dancing on her lips.
You jump up in surprise "Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't see you coming in", you stand up and throw your arms around her in a hug that lingers on a little too long, but what the hell, you missed her.
"You look great!", you smile, nodding in appreciation.
She shoots you a look "Please. I'm wearing scrubs under my coat". Then she looks a you for a moment "You, otherwise, look like a million bucks. Iowa's treating you well, I see".
You shake your head "No, it's just the tan! I went to Barbados with Cosmo".
Abby chuckles "I hate you! I don't even remember the last time we went away. How's Cosmo?".
You two are gushing over your boys pictures when the waiter comes to pick up your order. You order a glass of wine before thinking but Abby smiles and shakes her head at you like it's nothing "I'll just have water, please".
You two always could talk without words.
Luka appears on her screen and you smile "Luka's turning into a silverfox, watch out!". She just smiles.
You're relieved that you two can still talk easily like you used to, you share all the gossip from everyone at County that you got from Carter. You were anxious about uncomfortable silences but it's the same as it was back in Chicago.
Abby smiles and asks gently "So, how are you?".
"I'm great!", you chime, then roll your eyes. "There are days that I just can't believe that Chuck is marrying some girl half his age. But she's great with Cosmo, so...", you shrug.
"You were separated for some time now...", she adds while sipping at her glass.
"I know. I just... Didn't expect that he would move on so quickly. And I'm ashamed to feel like this because I was the one that ended our marriage".
"You still love him?", Abby asks.
"It was never about unbridled love with Chuck... I mean, I love him for giving me my son and for the father that he is. He's there for me, always has been. But I realized I was never really in love with him...".
Red wine warms your cheeks and Abby looks so pretty by the candlelight. You shake these thoughts right away.
"So, I'm dating again, refusing to let myself wallow", you nod vigorously.
"How's that going for you?", she smiles, savoring her tenderloin.
"Let's just say I'm following your second date rule", you whisper and Abby starts laughing and almost chokes on her food.
You don't know how long you've been chatting away when the waiter comes and politely says they're closing, so you two get up but you don't let her to go just yet. You brag about the great coffee in your room and Abby accepts one cup before calling it a night.
Inside your room, Abby checks in with her babysitter and is relieved when she tells her Joe's asleep.
You hand her a cup of coffee "Still cream and no sugar, right?".
"You still remember...", Abby smiles quietly.
You sit on the couch and after her coffee is gone, she rests her head on your shoulder and you feel your heart rate creeping up.
"I'm sorry I was a bitch before you left..." Abby mumbles, her eyes on her coffee cup.
"You were going through a rough time", you answer and try to shake off the memories.
"Why didn't you say goodbye?", Abby looks at you and you know it's the alcohol but those kind eyes always seemed to look through you.
Your mouth goes dry because you imagined this conversation for years and now you don't know what to say to her.
"I didn't know what to do with my feelings. So I ran away, that's what I always do..." you shrug and smile nervously "I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable...".
Abby shakes her head "I was scared...".
She's so close and you're admiring her lips, thinking about how many times you relived that kiss in your mind, how those memories and fantasies made you go through a failing relationship.
How that kiss is always on your mind when you find yourself in bars full of women.
If only things had been different...
Under the faint scent of latex and iodoform, you can still feel her perfume and you'd know better if you hadn't been drinking while you were waiting for her, but now your hand is stroking her cheek and her eyes are fluttered closed and you can't take it anymore because it has been too many years and she's not stopping you anyway.
Your anxiety makes you kiss her way too vehemently but you relax when you realize she's not pushing you away. Her hands are at the nape of your neck and when you pull away for air, she rests her forehead against yours and you hear yourself whisper "Let me say goodbye...".
You feel your eyes watering and close them for a second - I'm a mess - , Abby cups your face and kisses you again, this time with more passion, like she wants you to know how much she wants this too, how this wasn't just some trick your drunk brain played at you.
A blur of lust takes you over and before you know it, Abby is splayed across your hotel bed, taking off her scrubs top, her eyes hypnotizing you again. You use your knee to spread her legs further apart and lean onto her, the sound of her moaning at the contact makes you ache between your legs.
The right thing would be standing up and inviting her out because Abby's married now and this will lead to nothing. But it's pointless and you can't resist. And you won't.
You curl your index finger under her bra strap and pull it down, plant a kiss on her shoulder. Abby pulls urgently at your blouse and you wiggle out of it. You can't help notice her staring at your breasts and she reaches behind you to unclasp your bra, seconds after she does the same to her own.
It's such an erotic sight, Abby naked from the waist up, her dark hair fanning out on your pillow.
You trace a nipple with your fingertip and marvel at her skin getting gooseflesh.
"Susan...", she sighs, grabs the back of your neck and offers you her breast. You study it first, then close your mouth around it tentatively and Abby arches her back shoving her breast further into your mouth "Oh, God...".
It spurs you on and you unbutton her pants, slide your left hand past the coarse hair, freeze at the wetness you find there.
She smirks at you, eyes half closed "Don't back down on me now...".
Stroking her gently in circles, you look in awe at her expression softening. You continue touching her, leaning onto her side as you whisper into her ear "Is this ok?".
She nods and swallows a moan "Don't stop, please. I'm close...".
It's amazing the effect these words have on your body, you feel yourself getting wetter and you pull down her pants roughly, return to your task and enter her with two fingers, your lips searching for hers like you've done this all your life.
It's medically impossible but you're afraid your carotid might detach from your neck because it's pulsing so loud in your ears it's making you dizzy.
"Let me touch you...", she whispers gently and you nod and stop to pull down your slacks and underwear. Take a deep breath.
You lie naked on your side right next to her and you watch her hand roaming your skin. Her eyes hooded with desire, Abby reaches between your legs and starts rubbing you. You have to close your eyes for a second and brace yourself. She realizes you're trembling with desire and just smiles "Let yourself go...".
You nod and reach for her center again, mirroring her strokes and you two find a delicious rhythm like a rehearsed choreography. She throws her leg around your hip and you curl your fingers inside her, your other hand grabbing her neck because you want to see her eyes.
It's more animalistic than you'd thought, but there is tenderness in her eyes when she comes "Oh, fuck".
You're mesmerized by the vision before you, taking a mental picture of this moment.
You want to cry because you'll never have her again. Not like this.
She motions to continue touching you, you tell her it's okay but she shakes her head "No, no, no...".
Her skin shines with perspiration and her cheeks are flushed, she smiles as she settles you on the center of the bed then she slaps gently at your thigh "Spread your legs".
You're starting to feel self-conscious but she strokes your cheek sensing your discomfort, then slides down your body, the friction making you both gasp.
You part your legs to her and see her head lowering, her hair trailing down your body. She stops to kiss your stomach and you whisper, unsure "Abby... you don't have to...".
She smiles, but you can see hints of sadness in her eyes "Oh, I do. I really do...".
You don't know if she's ever done this before, but you know that no guy ever went down on you with such passion and thoroughness. You hope you're not hurting her because you're grabbing her hair a bit too forcefully, keeping her close just a little longer.
When you're done, you both lay side by side staring at the ceiling.
This is just a snippet of what you two could have had. But now it's too late: there's husbands and kids and a thousand miles between you.
She clears her throat "You okay?".
You turn to face her "Yes. Thank you...".
She nods because she knows what you mean.
You watch her dress but then decide to turn your back to give her some privacy, which seems odd considering the recent events.
She stands before you fully clothed and you don't know what to say to each other. She strokes a strand of hair out of your eyes and leans closer for one last kiss "Take care of yourself...".
Her tongue parts your lips and your arms curl around her back just like that.
It's a kiss filled with love, longing and that you both know what it means.
It's the page you're turning almost ten years late.
Watching Boston's harbor skyline you feel lighter than you ever felt in years. Even if it was for just a couple of hours she was yours and you didn't have to hold back all those feelings anymore.
Now it's time to go home and finally move on.
