Title: Puckzilla Is Not A Breakfast Chef
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt, Puckzilla.
Genre: Comedy/Crack
Warning: Total crack.
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: I don't own it and I'm not making any money from it, this is pure entertainment and not intended to offend.
Notes: It goes downhill from here.
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The mouth of the cave was large, dry, and cluttered with bits of miscellaneous debris. Part of a car sat to one side, half-covered by dry branches. The floor was studded with quartz and other smooth, sparkly stones. There were animal bones hidden amongst the rubble, cracked and splintered to the point where they were almost unrecognisable. Kurt took all of this in from where he was slung over the Puck-monster's shoulder. His phone had lost reception half way to the mountain. He suspected it was because of all the powerlines Puckzilla had toppled.
"If you think," Kurt began, "that I'm cleaning all this up for you then you have another thing coming."
Puckzilla rumbled something that sounded like an affirmative, distracted and not paying all that much attention.
"And don't think the Americans will just let me rot here. I'm a citizen. I have rights. And one of those rights is to not be kidnapped by large green lizard-men in foreign countries."
The next rumble sounded suspiciously like 'whatever'. Kurt sighed, propping himself up so he could see more of the creature's lair as it was revealed. The mouth of the cave shrank in size the further in they got, until it was 'small' enough that Puckzilla had to duck to get through. The cave they emerged into was massive, and mostly hidden in shadow. A hole seemed to have been punched through the roof of the cave, providing sparse illumination over a natural well of water. The rest of the cave was mostly dark, but Kurt could see enough of the shapes in the darkness to recognise ledges and hollows along the walls.
The place smelled damp and musty, like moss.
Suddenly Kurt was moving again, large pawlike hands wrapped carefully around his middle. He didn't struggle, too afraid of falling, and let the creature place him down on the ground by the pool of water. Kurt looked around, half expecting a gaggle of Puck-monster babies to come running out of the shadows to devour him. The cave seemed a whole lot bigger from down here, though he supposed to a creature of Puck's size it was comfortably large.
When nothing happened and Puckzilla just crouched down nearby in a clearly nonthreatening pose Kurt took a hesitant step towards the water. Again, nothing happened, so Kurt approached the water with a little less caution. Thoughts of typhoid and hepatitis swirling around his brain like a thousand travel-warning brochures he crouched down at the edge and cupped his hands together to drink. The water tasted like stone, but it was refreshing and cool. He gulped down several mouthfuls before he noticed that Puckzilla was still watching him.
"What?"
"Grah." The monster shook its head and waited for Kurt to finish drinking hefore it reached out a hand and gently poked Kurt in the direction of one of those shadowy ledges.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust but eventually Kurt could see that this particular ledge was at waist-height (to him, not to the Puck-beast) and covered in a soft mossy vegetation that felt dry to the touch. Another poke from Puckzilla and Kurt climbed up onto the ledge, not really getting the point. "Ok," he said, standing on the mossy ledge. "I'm here. What -?"
He had been about to say 'what now' when Puck poked him in the stomach just hard enough for him to overbalance and fall onto his butt.
Dismayed, Kurt's first thought was for his pants and the stains they may now have. Then he started wondering why the hell Puckzilla would want him sitting on a soft mossy ledge in a dark cave and... Oh. No. No way. "I am not sleeping with you!" Kurt exclaimed, then clapped a hand over his mouth. That had come out sounding much different that it had in his head. "Here," he corrected himself. "I am not sleeping in here, in this cave, with you."
Puckzilla just gave him a look.
Kurt crossed his arms.
Puckzilla poked him again, this time in the chest right above his crossed arms, and Kurt fell back onto the moss with a soft 'oof'. A second later something soft and vaguely pillow-like was dumped on top of him. Well, Kurt thought to himself as he struggled out from underneath the giant pillow, it iwas/i dark and there was no way he was getting down the mountain on his own in the dark without any gear. He arranged himself on the mossy shelf and twisted about until he was comfortable, silently mourning the loss of a nice suit. The once perfectly pressed beige suit was dry clean only. This adventure with the Puck-monster and kidnap was going to leave it ruined.
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When Kurt woke up he could only assume it was the middle of the night. The cave was dark, speckled with tiny pinpoints of light that might have been either stars or glow worms. Through some miracle his phone was currently buzzing against his hip, the screen lighting up his jacket pocket from within.
Kurt sat up, desperately groping for the phone. He noticed only after he had the phone in hand that somehow Puckzilla had managed to squeeze onto the shelf behind him and was currently snoring softly just two feet away. Kurt hesitated a moment, feared that whoever was calling would give up, and answered anyway with a quietly hissed "Hello?"
"Is this Kurt Hummel?"
"Yes?" Kurt replied, though it came out sounding more like a question than a confirmation. So much weirdness had happened in such a short time that it was a wonder he hadn't had some kind of existential crisis yet. He cleared his throat and tried again; "Yes, this is Kurt."
"I'm glad to have reached you, Mr. Hummel. My name is Kenji Kimura, I'm with the Department of Mythological and Medical Studies in Tokyo. Is Puckzilla with you?"
"Yes," Kurt replied, glancing over his shoulder at the creature behind him. For a moment he had the bizarre thought that Mr. Kimura was about to ask him to put Puckzilla on the phone. "He's asleep," Kurt added. "I'm in his cave right now," he added, "and I'm pretty sure I can get to the exit without any trouble, so if you're calling to tell me that someone is on their way to rescue me...?"
Mr. Kimura cut him off with a soft, friendly laugh. "Mr. Hummel, I apologise. I suspect you will receive contact from the American Consulate in the morning. However, we are more efficient and understand that this must be a shocking transition to make -"
"Transition!" Kurt exclaimed, then shot a glance at the sleeping Puckzilla and lowered his voice. "What do you mean 'transition'?"
"You will, of course, be granted full citizenship," Mr. Kimura continued, as if he hadn't heard Kurt's outburst, "in light of your new employment, and we will arrange to have a monthly stipend sent to your account. You may nominate a beneficiary to receive the contents of your account should you die before Puckzilla tires of you."
"You mean this has happened before!" Kurt hissed into the phone, suddenly terrified that some of the bones he'd seen littering the mouth of the cave were actually human.
Mr. Kimura chuckled pleasantly. "Of course not! This is the first time. It's a big honour, Mr. Hummel. You are being hailed as Tokyo's saviour."
"So nobody's coming to get me?"
"Your belongings from the hotel will be left at the 500ft mark as close to Puckzilla's cave as possible. Good luck Mr. Hummel, Tokyo thanks you."
"Mr. Kimura!" Kurt started, about to shout out a 'wait' when the light from the phone dimmed, indicating that Mr. Kimura had already hung up.
Kurt stared at the phone, noting the power bar at the top of the screen was only at a quarter. It would be dead by this time tomorrow, if not sooner. He tucked the phone back into his jacket and covered his face with his hands. It was cold, his pants were no doubt stained beyond repair, and he had been kidnapped by a giant lizard-man. And now he had absolute proof that the Japanese Government weren't going to do a damn thing about it except pay into an account he couldn't even use as long as he was stuck up the damn mountain. Kurt didn't even realise he was crying until a soft rumble piped up behind him.
He gasped and scrubbed at his eyes. "It's nothing," he said automatically.
Puckzilla growled sleepily and reached out a hand to drag Kurt the couple of feet that separated them until the human was against his belly. Kurt thought about struggling but he figured he'd had enough trouble already without provoking the creature. Besides, Puckzilla was warm. Like a huge electric blanket against his back. Kurt gingerly settled down beside the lizard-man. "Don't squash me," he warned.
"Grrrrffff." Puckzilla mumbled, which Kurt decided was an 'I wont'.
He had no idea how he was going to get back to sleep now.
Somehow he must have fallen asleep because when he woke up it was clearly light outside, sunlight beaming down into the pool of water on the other side of the cave. Kurt stretched, surprised to discover that Puckzilla was no longer lying behind him on the ledge. Instead, sitting on a flat stone on the moss in front of him, a pile of berries were his only company. Breakfast, he supposed. How thoughtful.
Kurt slowly got up and lowered himself down to the cave floor. He walked across to the water and stopped in the sunlight to look down at himself in dismay. His once-perfect suit was covered in large green stains from the moss. He could only imagine what his hair looked like.
"No dry cleaners up here," he quipped dryly to the absent Puckzilla. "No wonder you're wearing loincloth chic."
He supposed he should be grateful the monster actually wore anything at all.
.
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[ No representative from America ever contacted Kurt Hummel. Several months later he would get his hands on a scrap of newspaper that claimed that America was very disappointed with how the "Kurt Hummel Situation" was being handled and would be demanding an inquest, but that they were unable to take further action at this time. He would take that to mean that his government had simply chosen not to act as a means to keeping good relations with Japan. What was one small-time designer against international diplomacy? ]
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Kurt had checked his phone three times, washed his face, and attempted to get the stains from his jacket with nothing more than water and some sand from the edge of the pool when Puckzilla finally returned. The creature ducked in through the cave entrance and for a second Kurt thought it had somehow bought itself a designer clutch purse. A hysterical giggle nearly found its way out of his mouth before he realised that the thing Puckzilla was carrying was actually the suitcase Kurt had left at the hotel.
Puckzilla placed the suitcase down on top of the same ledge that Kurt had slept on, then made a questioning noise when he saw that the berries remained untouched.
"I'm not hungry," Kurt replied aloud, taking a guess at what the noise meant.
"Grr?"
"Because I'm just not."
"Grrf?"
Kurt sighed, turning back to the task of attempting to scrub his jacket. "Leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to talk to you."
Puckzilla was silent for all of ten seconds. Then Kurt found himself being pushed into the water. He yelped as he went under, the pool a lot deeper than it looked even just a step or two from the edge. Kurt came up with a gasp, flailing and spitting water. Furious he glared at the lizard-man from under his bangs, hair plastered to his scalp. He just got madder when he realised the creature was laughing at him.
Kurt struggled out of the surprisingly deep water and sloshed his way over to the creature. Since he couldn't reach high enough to actually slap the thing in the face he settled for whacking its leg. "That is not funny! I am wet, I am tired, my clothes are ruined, and I think I just dropped my phone in your stupid pool!" He punctuated each sentence with another whack, until his hand was practically numb. "And thanks to you kidnapping me I am about to start going through caffiene withdrawals! Do you know what that's like!"
Puckzilla actually darted out of the way of Kurt's next slap, a large hand creeping down to rub his leg. If Kurt had to translate the creature's whine he would have guessed it to be a 'well what am I supposed to do about that!'
"Get me a damn mocha!" Kurt snapped. "Now!"
The lizard-man stared at him, as if asking if he were serious. Then, much to Kurt's surprise Puckzilla actually turned and ducked out of the cave, muttering under his breath. Kurt stood there for a moment, then jogged to the mouth of the cave and out to the path that Puckzilla was currently trudging down, headed towards the base of the mountain. Kurt thought about trying to follow, but he'd never be able to catch up.
Instead he stomped back into the cave and to his suitcase, where he stripped off his sopping wet clothes and changed into something dry.
Half an hour later Puckzilla returned to the cave, carrying what looked like the entire counter of a cafe, including espresso machine. He dumped the counter just inside the cave mouth and gave Kurt a look that clearly asked if the human was happy now.
Kurt stared, mouth open, at the somewhat battered display counter still full of muffins and pastries, then at the espresso machine which had somehow managed to retain all of its pieces and a couple of cracked mugs. "Yes," he said after a moment. "I think that will do."
"Grrraaarrarrgh," Puckzilla said.
Clearly they needed to work on their communication.
