September 30, 2024

Jeff wakes up to the sound of Nick sobbing. He's curled up, his fingers bunched in the sheets. At first, Jeff thinks Nick's having a nightmare. He looked like it, doubled over, sobbing hysterically, shaking. But when Nick looks up, his eyes wide open, Jeff realizes it's something else entirely. "Nick, what's wrong?" Jeff reaches out, grabbing Nick by the side, his heart beating frantically and his chest tightening as Nick looks up at him with big, vulnerable eyes.

"I can't – I can't…" Nick can't get the words out, and instead he shakes his head, continuing to sob. Reaching out, Jeff wraps his arms around Nick, making small shushing noises.

"Nicky, please…"

It takes a moment for him to respond. His breathing is too ragged, and he shakes his head frantically. When he looks up at Jeff again, there's terror in his eyes, and he has to take a second to calm down before he can even articulate it.

"I can't remember – our –" He starts sobbing again, but all Jeff can hear is what he just said. What is he forgetting that's so important? That would make him this break down like this? Nicks fingers reach out and curl into his arms, and Jeff yelps out in pain. "Our first kiss – what was it like? W – where did – did we…?" He can't get out anymore, and Jeff lays there, his throat closing.

The world stops for a moment, and Jeff has to tell himself to breathe, to be the strong one. He can't break down while Nick's sobbing in his arms, his wet cheeks pressed up against Jeff's chest. So, instead, he continues making a shushing sound, running his fingers through Nick's hair, feeling his eyes prickle and pushing back the tears.

"Do you want me to tell you? Maybe it'll help you remember." His voice is soft, and he presses a kiss to the top of Nick's head, trying to ignore the growing ache in his heart. When Nick nods, he takes an unsteady breath, his eyes squeezing shut, and in one hand, his fingers curl in, the nails pressing in painfully to his palm, leaving angry red crescents.

"Jeff?" Nick whimpers. "Please, tell me." Jeff takes a deep breath, and Nick pulls back so that their noses are brushing against each other. His eyes are red and puffy, and he's still crying slightly. Jeff's hand continues playing with his hair for a moment or two longer before he somehow dredges up the effort to smile.

"Tenth grade, we were outside in the courtyard," Jeff begins, feeling like he's telling a fairytale, not a memory. "We were teasing each other. I had ice cream, and I kept on trying to get you to notice me by eating it as seductively as possible." He let out a small laugh and his eyes watered as Nick listened in eagerly as if this were the first time he had heard it.

"What happened next?"

Jeff's heart breaks a little more as he asks the questions with a childish eagerness. "I dropped the ice cream. I was so focused on trying to lure you in that I wasn't paying attention, and I let it fall to the ground."

Nick's eyes close as he tries to pull it back up from the fragment of his memories, and the creases in his forehead become more defined. "What did it feel like that day? I mean, how hot was it?" He's trying so hard to remember, but the fact that he can't draw it up seems to be frustrating him because he lets out a small, frustrated sound.

"It was really hot and humid. It was late April. Just one of those days where you don't feel like doing anything because everything's just kinda sticky." Nick nods. "Anyway, you told me that it served me right. I felt brave, and I turned to you, and I just looked at you and... said it."

"Said… what?"

Jeff's hand falls down, and he traces Nick's jaw line before moving to his lips. His head hurts, and he wants this just to be a dream. "I think what I said was 'I kinda sorta think I have a crush on you maybe,' except I remember it mostly coming out as one word." He closes his eyes, and he can almost see Nick's expression when he turned to him. "You looked over, and I thought you were going to be angry." He shakes his head. He can feel a flicker of that fear, for a moment when he thought he'd lose everything. "And then you –"

"I said that I thought it was just me," Nick said, and Jeff's heart slowly stutters back into life.

"Yes." Nick's eyes open and his lips move into an unsteady smile. "Yes, you did," Jeff repeats. He hasn't forgotten completely – not yet.

"And you leaned in and kissed me. You told me you'd wanted to do that since ninth grade. That you were crazy about me and that you wanted to do that again, and you asked me whether you could…" The words now pouring out of Nick's mouth as his eyes lit up again, and he let out a shaky breath. "I remember."

It was still between them for a moment before Jeff leaned forward, pressing their lips together frantically. His hand went up to Nick's cheek, and he pulled the other boy closer, his other hand falling to the back of his neck. Nick's name fell out of his lips again and again as Jeff finally broke down. Their kiss was raw and desperate, and when they pulled back, Jeff's head lay limply on the pillow.

"I love you. Don't you ever forget that. Don't you ever…" he said, shaking, knowing that wasn't really an option. Nick's hand moves up, and he slowly brushes away Jeff's tears, now the one giving comfort. Nick pulls him to his chest, rocking him back and forth.

October 18, 2024

Nick quits his job. At this point, they can't afford him forgetting things. As a teacher, he needs to keep track of meetings and homework and test and grading, and it's not something that he can sort out on a calendar. It's not easy for Jeff to support both of them, and he gets another job, hating knowing that he's losing time with Nick in doing so, but there's no other alternative.

"Dance with me!" Nick is moving around, jumping across the room, his hips shaking from side to side with the beat. Jeff can't help but laugh, and he gets up. "My Jeffie." Nick's in one of his better moods, and he wraps his arms loosely around Jeff's waist.

"My Nicky," Jeff echoes, and they both grind up against each other. He pauses for a second before asking, "What's the song?"

"No idea. Radio station. But it's catchy, right?" Jeff nods, and he tilts his head forward, pressing their lips together. Nick groans into them before pulling closer against him, rolling his hips. Jeff gasps, and Nick continues to grind against him, their cocks meeting through the fabric.

"You're mine," Jeff says before biting down on Nick's lip, his hands fumbling downwards and undoing the button and zipper of Nick's pants. For a moment Nick's eyes simply widen, and then suddenly he's letting out a low moan, his body keening and arching to meet Jeff's.

They make quick work of getting rid of Nick's pants and boxers, and Jeff presses him backwards, shoving him against the couch. "Jeff…" The name comes out of Nick's mouth low and needy, and Jeff smirks up at him before kneeling down to wrap his mouth around Nick's cock. Their movements are fast and fervent, and Jeff rolls his hips against the floor, trying to find some friction.

His tongue swirls around this tip of Nick's cock, and he tastes the pre-come, a shiver riding through him as Nick's fingers move down, tangling themselves into his hair. He looks up and their eyes meet, Nick's eyes narrowing. "You're the one who bent down, Jeffie. Just remember that when I'm fucking your mouth," Nick growled, and Jeff whimpered in response. Nick let him at his own pace for a minute or two, and Jeff took him whole before pulling back and tracing the underside, licking stripes down it and following veins.

"You're so hot when you get like this," Jeff says, and Nick grabs his hair, giving it a tug and silencing him as he takes Nick into his mouth again. This time, Nick's hips jerk forward, thrusting deeply into Jeff's mouth. Jeff loosens his throat, doing his best to take it all, and his cheeks hallow. Nick moans, a shiver riding up Jeff's spine as Nick continues moving faster and harder. His breathing hitches, and his fingers dig into Jeff's scalp as he runs them through, over and over with more force.

Jeff can barely take it, and he gags several times as he tries to remember how to breathe. His fingers make their way to Nick's thighs, and he settles there, groaning and shivering under Nick's touch. It takes Nick several more syncopated thrusts, and suddenly he's coming, holding Jeff in place. It's only when he's absolutely spent that he collapses, his breathing heavy.

Jeff chokes and sputters, a bit of the come dribbling down his chin, and his arm goes up, his sleeve wiping it away. Jeff swallows what he can, and his tongue darts out, tracing his lips and trying to lick up the rest. Nick's eyes open, and he stares at him, suddenly loving and soft. One hand reaches out, and he cups Jeff's cheek before pulling him closer, pressing their lips together.

For a moment everything's perfect. And, really, for right now, why does anything outside that moment even count?

November 02, 2024

Jeff's looking through a drawer, trying to sort a few things out and clean the room when he stumbles upon it. Before he even opens it, he can tell what it is. What else could it be? The two-by-two box is a lovely shade of indigo, and the velvet feels soft under his touch. When he opens it, sure enough, there sits an engagement ring, the band thin and silver. On the inside, a tag sticks out, declaring the material to be sterling silver.

His heart seems to lift, and he can't help but wonder whether or not he should put it back. Maybe he's spoiling the surprise. He thinks for a moment, flipping it around in his hand and letting out a small laugh. Nick wants to marry him. Jeff can't help but let out a small, excited squeak, and he leans against the wall.

Before he can contemplate things any further, though, Nick walks into the room. Jeff goes to put the box behind his back, but it's too late, and he's already seen it.

"Jeff… what's that?" Nick pauses, his head tilting to the side before his head lifts, eying Jeff curiously.

"I'm sorry. I was looking through, and I found it. I shouldn't have been snooping, but…" He bounces up and down, a wide grin on his face as he runs over to Nick, hugging him and knocking them backwards into the hallway.

"What are you talking about?" Nick asks, and his brow furrows. He looks down at the box, and Jeff sighs.

"Okay, okay, funny. Gig's up. I found it. You really don't need to pretend anymore," Jeff says, and he tugs them into the living room, thinking about who he needs to tell and who he wants to tell. Nick's eyes widen as he looks down at it. He seems genuinely confused, and he shakes his head frantically.

"Are you proposing to me? 'Cause this is an awful way to do it."

Jeff's lips purse, and he drops one hand to his waist as he lets out a frustrated sigh. "Why would I propose to you with your ring?"

"It's not my ring!" Nick pulls back from him, looking flustered, and Jeff's throat starts to close.

"Don't tease. It's not funny anymore." Nick pulls out of his grip and throws his hands up to the air.

"I'm not trying to be fucking funny! If you'd actually listen to a word I'm saying…" All the joy Jeff had felt mere moments ago seems to have evaporated, and he clenches his jaw and impulsively throws the box down at the ground. It falls between Nick's feet, but he doesn't dare pick it up. Instead, his eyes stay fixed on Jeff, watching as he wrings his hands, his fingers occasionally flexing and digging deeply into his skin.

"No, you bought the box!"

Nick's faces falls under a sort of fog as Jeff says it. He shakes his head madly, and he pushes back, his mouth opening and closing. "No, I'd remember. I'd – I wouldn't forget something that big." Somewhere inside of him, Jeff tries to ignore that his heart twists and tugs and that he wants to reach forward and hug Nick. But that's shoved aside as he shakes. Nick was forgetting it all. He was forgetting that he wanted them to get married.

"Well, I sure as hell didn't buy it, and I'm not the one with a fucking memory problem!" Jeff shouts before he can help it, his lips drawing back in a snarl. His throat closes as his head pounds. For a moment he teeters before he slowly gains focus again. Nick's starting to tear up, his head moving about wildly.

"Don't say that. Don't say that." There's no excuse, no other explanation. And it keeps on flashing in his mind; if Nick could forget buying and engagement ring, he could forget it if they get married. Does he want that? A husband who won't even realize that they're –

Jeff tilts over, his stomach burning. He feels Nick's hand on his shoulder, and he pulls back as if burned. His head hurts, the thoughts pressing in, pestering him, reminding him: Nick will forget. Nick will forget. Nick will forget.

With that, he pushes Nick away, walking over to the coat stand. "I need a walk." His voice is tight and it shakes.

"Jeff, wait, please –"

Jeff slams the door behind him, and he takes the stairs down, not having the patience to wait for the elevator. Every bit of him starts to crumple as Nick's blank expression registers and flashes across his mind again. Nick, his Nicky, had just left the ring untouched.

Jeff somehow finds his way to the park and perches himself on the edge of a swing. He jams his hands in his pockets, and slowly he rocks back and forth as his teeth chatter. It's only now that he breaks down. His breath suddenly becomes ragged, and he shakes more violently, though it has nothing to do with the cold this time. Nick's steadily forgetting things, and there's nothing he can do to stop it.

For the most part up to now he'd managed to accept it, or, at least, put it at the back of his mind. But the ring reminds him of the normal life they could have had. His hand reaches up, pulls out of his pocket, and he grabs the Time Turner that hangs around his neck. His eyes close as a wave of guilt passes over him, and he replays what he shouted at Nick.

His feet feel frozen as he pulls himself off of the swing and ambles back to their apartment. It's quiet; most houses have their lights off at this point. The door's still unlocked when Jeff tries it, so he pushes it open. There's a small sob from the couch. Jeff looks over to find Nick curled up, the box in his lap and the ring clutched tightly between his fingers. He rubs it with his thumb one more time before looking over at Jeff. His eyes are red and puffy, his shoulders slumped over. It's the look of defeat that gets to Jeff.

"I'm sorry." Jeff's the first one to say anything, but Nick shakes his head.

"No, you were right. I forgot it, and —" There's a long pause before he lets out a shaky sob. "I don't want to forget you." The ring disappears in his hand as his fingers wrap around it, clutching it tightly in his palm. Jeff rushes over, falling down beside him and wrapping his arms around Nick, pulling him to his chest.

"Shh, love. It'll be okay." Nick doesn't bother denying it even though they both know that's not something Jeff can promise.

"I can't marry you." Nick's voice is small. "I don't want you attached to me, stuck with me even when I - when I don't know who you are. You deserve a husband who can give you a life - a whole life." Jeff shakes his head, feeling a dull, numb ache build up in his chest.

"I don't want just anyone. I want you. We can do it." He takes a breath before asking, "When did you buy it?"

"Two weeks ago," Nick says with hesitation, his palm finally opening and revealing a deep, red circle marked into his hand. "I wanted to ask you when I got home, but you came home exhausted, and I wanted it to be perfect." A low, bitter laugh comes from his mouth. "Yeah, it sure turned out perfect, all right."

Jeff leans in, running his fingers through Nick's hair before pressing a kiss to his temple. "It doesn't matter. As long as it's with you." It's so far from how he imagined it, but that doesn't matter. They have to make it work somehow.

"That's not fair of me to ask that of you, Jeffie. I just — you should find someone after I'm gone." Jeff winces at the way he says it, and he shakes his head.

"Stop it. You make it sound like you're going to die."

"I will eventually. Besides, I might as well be dead already." Jeff turns Nick's head and his eyes narrow.

"Hey, stop it, will you?" He feels an overwhelming sense of irritation bubble up inside of him. "God knows how much longer we have together, and you're trying to spend it moping and moaning." Nick's lips purse together, his eyes narrow, and he pushes himself out of Jeff's grasp. His voice is low and cold when he speaks, and he moves further back against the other end of the couch when Jeff tries reaching out again.

"I think, I have some right to mope and moan, thanks."

Jeff deflates and shakes his head, feeling exhausted and sick of this all. "This is coming out wrong. Please, Nick -"

"Please what exactly? Please try to be happy about it? Because that's not going to happen." Jeff's stomach knots, and he stands up, throwing his hands up in the air and clenching his jaw.

"Fine. I'm trying, Nick. I really am. I don't want to lose you, but I don't have any control over that. It's just scary, and…" He feels his eyes burning. "I – I can't…" Jeff turns, walking out of the room, and he hears the couch creak.

"Jeff, wait. I - I'm sorry." Jeff shakes his head, though he pauses for a moment before leaving the room, making his way to the bedroom. He shuts the door and makes it to the bed before the door opens again, and Nick's head peeks in.

"Go away, I'm crying and I don't want you to see me," Jeff says with a small, choked laugh, his throat closing as he falls back on the bed and turns away. Nick laughs quietly as well, though he doesn't say anything. He simply pulls up behind him on the bed and wraps his arms around Jeff's waist. Jeff closes his eyes as Nick presses a kiss to the back of neck and sighs.

After a moment he turns around. They face each other, the room darkening as the sun sets slowly. Their noses and foreheads press together, and they just breathe, staring at each other, afraid to say a word and somehow screw this up again. Jeff lets out a sigh and decides to speak first, his hand moving out to run along Nick's jawline. "I don't want to fight. Not now."

"Me either," Nick agrees quietly, his hand moving forward and setting on Jeff's free one. Jeff falls into him, and their lips lightly brush up together. Slowly, Jeff traces his lips before easing them open. He maps Nick's mouth before slowly slipping Nick's tongue out, sucking lightly on it. Nick shudders underneath him, and their eyes both open to continue looking at each other.

Jeff wants to memorize the moment, ingrain it in him so that, when the time comes that they can't have moments like these anymore, he'll at least have the memories to help him. Memories won't be an adequate replacement, he's sure, but they're still something. They fall silent again and stay wrapped up in each other.

When Nick nudges his nose against Jeff, Jeff can't help but smile, and they both laugh as if it's some sort of personal joke between them. For the moment, they force everything else out of their minds. They pretend as if they hadn't just fought, and instead fall asleep pressed up against each other, smiles on both pairs of lips.

February 26, 2025

"I remember when we first became friends," Jeff says, tears forming in his eyes as he gives Nick a warm smile. "I'd left my lunch at home, and you sat down next to me to offer some of your mac 'n' cheese. And when I asked you why, you said that friends share with their friends." Nick's hands reach out, and he lightly squeezes Jeff's arm, his own eyes watering. "You've been my best friend, my lover, my everything, Nicky." There's a pause where you can hear people in the audience shift position and rustle.

"I know I can't protect you from everything. If I could, we'd have a long, whole life together. We'd grow old and take pictures of ourselves to show the kids, travel all around the world, and maybe eventually agree on whether Spiderman or Batman's better, though we both know it's Spiderman." Nick opens his mouth to protest, but a small, affectionate chuckle comes out instead. Similar ones echo throughout the rest of the people sitting down and watching them.

"But that's not something I'm capable of doing." Jeff's voice loses its joking edge, and his face falls completely. "I'm going to lose you, and soon, but I can't let you leave this world without getting a chance to experience at least a little of what we could have had." Sighing, Jeff runs his hands through his hair and looks at Nick with a small, hopeful smile that quickly dies away.

"I can't promise that we'll have a full life, but I promise to take care of you, to love you, to be yours completely." There's a light pause. "I already am." He took the ring, slowly holding Nick's hand steady and slipping it on. "I know you're not big on symbols, Nicky," he teased, "but this ring is a symbol of all of that. It's a symbol of everything we are, were, and will be. I love you. Will you be my husband?"

Nick can't help it anymore, and he nods, tears breaking through his barriers as he admires the ring for a moment before throwing his arms around Jeff.

"I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss the groom." They both laugh and don't hesitate to follow the instructions, everyone else fading away as they kiss.

If for only a moment, they can pretend to have a happily ever after waiting for them.