On the second day of Andromeda
My true love gave to me:
Two nerds 'a gaming!
"Say 'cheese', cause' you're about to get your head shot!"
"Oh yeah? Well I hope you like the taste of your own butt, because that's what you're getting handed for dinner!"
"Hey, have you ever noticed that if you say, I'm gonna 'insert made-up verb' your 'insert made-up noun,' everything sounds like a really rude alien insult? Like, I'm gonna cybernize your thrusters!"
"I'm gonna galafret your tonatron!"
"I'm gonna cryptify your proto-eggs with this sword!"
"HA! Shaderoll!" Shepard crowed triumphantly, as her character dodged his blow. She drew her bow and let a bolt of energy fly, disintegrating Garrus' character. She whooped, and slugged him in the shoulder as he drooped. "Score's thirty-two!"
"Shepard-Commander, we fail to see the point of unsportsmanlike conduct." Legion said from where she'd had him sit down to observe.
"Legion, everybody does smack talk when they're gaming." Garrus waved one talon in a circle as if were obvious. Shepard took a long slerp from the straw of her soda.
"Yeah, it's all in good fun." she added.
"We do not use 'smack talk'." the Geth commented.
"Legion, the most gamer-ish thing we've seen you do is backseat game." At this the Geth looked at the ceiling, like he had some sort of dirty little secret. Both turian and Human ignored this, and instead returned their focus back to the game. Today, they had decided it was time to school Legion in the way things were done when one had some of that mystical anomaly called 'free time'. Shepard was tired of, and a little unhappy, about the amount of time the Geth platform spent just standing in the AI Core doing literally nothing.
"We do not understand. When have we done this?" Both of them twisted around to look at him blankly in a 'really?' sort of way.
"That time when you kept nagging Kasumi while she was playing a match-three game."
"That time when you spent three hours complaining to Mordin about his gear loadout in Alliance Corsair. You don't even game!"
"That time Tali threw her controller at you because you told her there was no point in leveling Aerith up because she was going to die later anyway."
"We were merely stating a logical fact. Creator Zorah's actions were unjustified."
"She was fifteen minute into the game and you gave away major spoilers! That's like walking to a room full of non-Humans watching Harry Potter and yelling 'Snape kills Dumbledore'!"
"Yea-wait, what!?" Garrus looked at her with a shocked expression, and she winced. "Snape does what!?"
"Ummm... sorry. I thought you already watched that one." she apologized. Glaring, Garrus lunged, and she yelped as he snatched the cheese puffs from her side and held them out of reach.
"Garrus!" she tried to tackle the larger sapient, grabbing at the barrel to no avail. "Give me my cheese puffs! I need my cheese puffs!"
"No, Sahara. And you know I'm saving you! The rule of Dr. Cheesepuff ends today!" he declared vengefully.
"Shepard-Commander, you are leaving you character idle. You will be terminated by an enemy player." Legion tried to point out. But the squabble with Garrus continued. The Geth's eye plates flicked up as his runtimes came to consensus, and he slid himself off the seat, neither organic noticing his departure from the Captain's Cabin.
Shepard was trying to pry the puffs from Garrus' arms, the Turian curled tightly on the floor with his arms wrapped around it, when it happened. "Garrus, give me my cheese puffs! I need my cheese puff fix!"
A loud explosion came from the screen, and they both jerked upright to see their character's corpses smoldering from the napalm-assisted rocket blast.
Infiltrat0rN7 killed HylianMaster777 and ScopedAndDr0pped36. Both Turian and Human looked at each other witheringly as Infiltrat0r's avatar came and teabagged on their ashes before running off again.
"Truce?" Garrus offer the cheese puffs. Shepard took them from him, set them on the floor in front of her, and shook his hand.
"Let's get 'im." she agreed. They respawned, and gave chase to their murderer.
Consensus had been that proving his point would get Garrus Vakarian and Shepard-Commander to resume play and discourage further idleness.
Because Legion is wonderful, and I always imagined this being a scene that could have happened in the How to Be a Rogue setting, in the Shepardverse side of the tale. And yes, to those of you who recognize it, that opening dialogue is a total reference to the Amazing World of Gumball episode, "The Code".
And for those of you who don't know, "teabagging" is when you make you character crouch up and down on a rival player's remains. It is a source of vengeful fury for those of us who play Destiny.
As I understand it, jsm never forgave Miranda for getting Tali killed in his playthrough... I'd hate her, too. Tali is fablous-FRABJOUS!
Look up to tomorrow! Javik, Garrus, and Tali get down and TROLL these Humans...
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