Hey guys! This chapter came in pretty fast because I didn't want to lose my momentum. It's also the only free night I've had in a very. long. time. So I figure I would take advantage of the fact and whip out another chapter, just for you! ;) Thanks for all the reviews, I've been taking the criticism to heart and it's nice to know that people are fans of my writing. This chapter is called "Deal or No Deal" because a lot of it involves Cartman and his devious plots :). I hope you like it; the side story comes in on this one. It's shorter than the other chapter but I made the first one really long on purpose, so don't expect that all the time. Peace ~ CrisisOmegs
Kenny looked down, a bit frazzled, and made sure his suit was clean. He gave it one quick pat before looking over to his friends in the back row, Kyle and Stan giving him an enthusiastic thumbs-up, Cartman pouting with arms crossed in a corner. Other kids from their class, like Bebe and Wendy, were sitting in the pews as well. And as the music started playing, Kenny saw a sleek figure approaching in a flowing white gown, face covered by a veil. As his soon-to-be-spouse came closer, Kenny leaned in to lift the veil, and affectionately kissed Butters. Wait wait wait…
He opened his eyes, breathing in sharply but not too shaken up. Kenny wasn't exactly surprised to wake up from this kind of bat-shit insane dream, even if he thought it was sort of weird that he'd dream about a wedding. His mind went crazy every time he thought about Butters and a wedding was so chaste. Though if he hadn't woken up they probably would've gone on their 'honeymoon' soon enough. Hell, either way it certainly beat waking up after being stabbed in the back (literally).
It had been three days since his confrontation with Butters, and Kenny hadn't really anticipated how awkward it would make things between them. While he and Butters could be called friends, they didn't hang out as often as Kenny did with Kyle and Stan. A more accurate term would be "people who hang out because the rest of their friends are off doing something else", and when Kenny basically held Butters hostage it hadn't strengthened their relationship.
Since the two only had home economics together, and the class met every other day, they didn't see each other until Friday. All Thursday Kenny had been distracted by thoughts of seeing Butters again; he didn't pay attention normally but it was even worse now, and when his teacher called him out for sleeping in English again, threatening harsh punishment, he hardly even acknowledged her threats. Quite frankly, Kenny didn't know what to do with himself. How could he feel like he had fallen in love at first sight, when he had known Butters for almost his entire life? Even if the two weren't close, he'd always been present at school for as long as Kenny could remember. That Kenny could think of him like this… Kenny didn't even know what it felt like to be in love. It had certainly never happened before. Was he even sure this was any different from the lust he'd felt for people in the past?
When they did meet again, Butters' anxiety was only worsened by Kenny's frequent stares. Butters must have felt like Kenny's eyes were always on his back, and he was one hundred percent right. Cartman, noticing the tension between the two, of course had to make a comment.
Leaning back in his chair with his arms behind his head, Cartman pompously said, "I guess Kyle and Stan's gaiety has finally rubbed off on our friends here. I should get away before I get infected."
"Eep!" Butters yelped, fumbling with one of the pans as he heard the comment; he knocked down some of the ingredients for a lemon bars recipe, and mumbled "Fiddlesticks" with defeat. For all of Butters' naïveté and gullibility, he wasn't stupid. And it was a well known fact that Butters' parents were fervently opposed to any sort of homosexual relationship; with strict parents like that, Butters probably associated pain anytime he and homosexuality were mentioned in the same sentence.
Kenny furrowed his brow a bit at that intentionally-scathing comment, but he wasn't one to get upset at Cartman's insults. They had gotten to him two days ago because of his terrible mood; with all of these new thoughts swirling through his head, Kenny couldn't care less what Cartman said or thought of him. Though he was going to have to figure out how to get around Butters' homophobic parents. At least he was nearly certain that Butters was gay; kids hadn't been saying that since elementary school for nothing.
Kenny had decided from the get-go to act calm and cool around Butters. He wasn't really nervous about getting into a relationship with the guy. Sure, there were obstacles, but Kenny wasn't intimidated. He was confident in his looks and thought that bringing out his best charm would at least get him a reaction. Where most people would be nervous, Kenny was hugely excited for this new ground he was covering. Even though he was dreaming about a picture-perfect wedding, Kenny couldn't help himself from thinking of Butters in certain other ways when he came into contact with him on Friday. The only thing he worried about was just how intense the feeling was this time around. He thought back to his reflections on love.
Cartman, obviously satisfied with the reaction he had gotten out of Butters, was heading in for another insult when Kenny stepped up to help Butters pick up the fallen food items. Cartman just gave a smug smirk and watched, knowing Butters would probably find this just as tormenting.
"Cleaning up with me again? Are you dropping stuff on purpose, Butters?" Kenny said, leaning down so he and Butters were on eye-level, picking up the mess of ingredients. He flashed Butters a winning smile to make his good intentions clear. Hopefully Butters wouldn't be terrified of him having another outburst.
Shit, Kenny thought, spoke too soon. Butters flinched back as soon as he noticed Kenny's presence, gripping the ingredients he had already picked up. He must have been nervous because Kenny noticed juice from a half-cut lemon running down the side of Butters' hand.
"Uh, n-no Kenny, I c-can do this alone," Butters stuttered, meekly smiling and trying to pick up his mess as fast as he could.
But Kenny wasn't going to give up that easily. "Naw, I'll help. If you don't want me to help clean, I could, uh, cook or something?"
Cartman raised his eyebrow, scrutinizing Kenny before he started smiling sadistically. He leaned over to Butters and whispered, "Watch out Butters, I was just making jokes before, but this man-whore legitimately wants your ass."
Butters turned bright red. Kenny hoped he'd be able to restrain himself, but Butters was just so fucking adorable. He couldn't believe how attractive he had gotten recently.
Standing straight up, Butters stiffly excused himself from the conversation, face still flushed.
He turned, making sure to avoid eye contact with Kenny. Kenny thought he might be afraid of another intense staring competition.
"Uh, fellas, I think I'd better… U-uh, I mean, I have t-to go and, uh, l-leave. To the bathroom, I mean," he mumbled, and as he left the other two his anxiety was overwhelming.
Cartman turned to taunt Kenny.
"Didn't think you really had a thing for goody-two-shoes over there. But I'm not sure Butters appreciates raging sexual deviants; if you're looking for a 'good time' tonight I suggest going to visit your good friend Bebe." Cartman's foot kicked the lemon Butters had dropped on his way out, forcing it out of Kenny's reach.
Kenny turned his face up to give Cartman a weary look of disapproval before scavenging around for the rest of the ingredients. Before Cartman could make a joke about poor people eating food off the floor, Kenny shut him up with an unexpected response.
"Yeah, Butters is pretty sexy, huh? But you're right; don't think I'll score with him anytime soon."
Kenny's bluntness made Cartman's eyes go blank from surprise for a moment, and when he recovered himself he still looked rather uncomfortable. Kenny smiled slyly.
"Too bad I scared him with our incredibly hot confrontation yesterday," he said, seeing that Cartman was quite nearly disgusted with his latest comment.
"Dude, I knew you were half a fag and all but I seriouslah am about to puke right now," Cartman said, wrinkling his nose.
"Hey man, you really are right," Kenny laughed. "I don't think I'll get time alone with Butters by my usual, direct 'boom boom boom, I want you in my room' technique."
Cartman's look of displeasure turned into the expression of someone with a terrible scheme. Kenny winced; he'd been hoping to tease Cartman some more, since he rarely got the chance to find something that really bothered the guy.
"Kenneh," Cartman began, turning on the charm like he always did when he wanted something. "If you can get me a measly, let's say, $500, I'll come up with a legitimate list of what Butters looks for in his men; I'm almost certain the little fag keeps a list in his diary."
Kenny looked up again, sort of pissed off but also with a hint of consideration.
"Fuck you, Fat-ass, you know I don't have that kind of money. What kind of dude charges $500 for what's essentially relationship advice anyway?"
It must have been obvious that Kenny was legitimately thinking about it, since Cartman didn't miss a beat in his retort.
"Well then Lover-boy, that's too bad. As you may know, Butters and I are good friends."
"Yeah, or maybe you trick him into thinking you are. Face it, Asshole, you don't have too many 'good friends'."
Cartman frowned at this comment, and even though Kenny thought he was an idiot, he was still slightly considering Cartman's offer. As long as he could get the price down to an affordable range, of course.
Kenny whipped out his wallet and took out all the money he had. Feigning desperation, he handed it to Cartman, who hungrily accepted.
"Please, take any money you want, as long as I can be with my one true love!" Kenny said with mock sincerity, pretending to swoon and holding his hands to his heart with a sneaky smile on his face.
Cartman, not amused, threw the tiny wad of cash back at Kenny, who promptly started cracking up.
"Fuck you, Kenneh, that wasn't more than fifteen bucks," he said, crossing his arms and pouting. "I know you're poor and all but you can at least not insult me when I'm suggesting a business exchange."
When he had stopped laughing, Kenny, still smiling, faced Cartman half-seriously.
"Look Cartman, let's make a deal: you find out one thing that Butters loves in a guy, and if it works when I use it on him, I'll come up with an amount of money you'll accept. Sound good?"
Even if Kenny looked like he was joking, he really was willing to try this out. He could feel a long and tortuous ride ahead of him in his pursuit for Butters if he didn't have some kind of advantage. And while he knew he'd feel at least a little guilty about what was essentially tricking Butters, as soon as he'd won him over he could act just like he usually would. And it didn't seem like Butters was going to have guys groveling at his feet anytime soon. By falling in love with him, wasn't Kenny really doing him a favor?
…
There was that word again.
Kenny had been expecting Cartman to bitch and moan until he got his way, but he caved in immediately. It was sort of suspicious.
"Alright then. I'll have one piece of advice for you by Monday; ONE. Once the magic kicks in and Blondie over there is down on his knees, I'm sure you'll put off buying more poptarts to fund your romance," he sneered. Cartman lowered his voice as Butters walked nervously back into the room.
What a saint, Kenny thought; even if he wants to completely avoid class today, he can't bring himself to skip. I would have been long gone by now. It was a hell of a change from most of the kids he'd been with, another reminder of Butters' wonderful innocence. It was actually a huge turn-on.
Butters mumbled a quick hello before getting back to his work. Kenny watched him for a few more minutes, but, not wanting to press his luck, he sat down and stared off into space. Butters worked a bit more efficiently after that, which, Kenny had to admit, left him a little depressed.
Doing him a favor? Please. Stop trying to justify you're selfish actions; you've never done it before.
After the bell rang, Cartman rushed out of class, feeling like he was sort of on a high. He'd secured a great deal with Kenny, leaving him in control of yet another romance. After he got the list for Kenny, he'd pay Cartman any amount to keep him from telling Butters. The promise of such power over the people he knew always left him a little giddy.
It was this feeling that prompted him to finally have the resolve to do what he was going to do next.
Frankly, Cartman was bisexual. Oh God, there it is, out in the open like that. It made him feel sick; being bisexual was way too close to being a fag for comfort. It was his secret shame, this thing that was just hanging over him all the time. Acting like a bigoted homophobe becomes much more difficult if you've actually masturbated to gay porn. It's not like he was completely gay; he'd certainly been interested in women before, and at least one had been interested in him. But every once and a while he'd be hanging around with the guys after school and be afraid of getting a massive boner because of the way Kenny talked about his latest sexual conquest. It was gross and undesirable and Cartman felt like he desperately needed to find a way to prevent that.
Obviously, he needed a girlfriend. And, logically, who would be a better choice than the only one he'd ever kissed? He made a dash for her locker, and without further ado, started talking.
"Wendy," he said, putting his hands in his pockets so no one could see them sweating; he hated showing vulnerability. "I would be willing to offer you a large sum of cash in exchange for a favor."
Wendy slammed her locker shut, clutching her books while her eyes seemed like they were going to light him on fire.
"Look Cartman, you can just drop it because I don't even want to know your request," she spat, nose higher in the air than usual. "I won't accept any amount of money to suck your dick or some shit like that."
Wendy wasn't usually this crude, but being around Cartman brought out the rudest in her. Cartman thought that was kind of hot.
"That could be a problem," Cartman said, and saw Wendy's face scrunch up in a look of disgust. In an effort to remedy the situation, he added, "But I guess that isn't actually a requirement…"
Wendy turned up her nose even higher and started to walk away, but Cartman grabbed her shoulders and tried to act suave (which, although he didn't know it, never worked).
"Wendy, all I need you to do… is fall in love with me," he cooed.
Wendy looked like she was going to throw up. She seemed intent on giving him the silent treatment.
"It can't be that hard, heh, I mean, look at me," Cartman scoffed, and launched into a rant about his ravishing good looks, which made him less nervous since he was basically giving himself a pep talk. He kept on until he realized that Wendy was already out of sight.
A lot of people didn't know it since he put up a huge façade, but Cartman had lost a lot of his confidence since entering high school. This wasn't exactly helping.
"… Hippie bitch."
