Posted 8 July 2019

-/-

"-and, Minerva, would you be able-"

The staff room door opens with a loud bang, admitting the pink clad visage of the fuming ministry official.

"Ah, Madame Umbridge," Albus picks up from where he is interrupted. "We were unsure you were able to join us. We were just discussing the upcoming Hogsmeade schedule."

"This is the last time," Dolores swears upon her entry, the door shutting loudly behind her.

"The last time for what, may I ask?" Albus raises a brow at her, wondering what the woman would pull out next.

"The poltergeist, Headmaster," the woman practically sneers his title, spitting the creature's title out. "This is the last time. Get rid of the it."

Now that the professors are looking, they find that Dolores has a splattering of paint across her robe and face, as well as the faint smell of dung bombs the longer she stands close to them.

"I'm afraid I cannot do that," Albus admits easily, and before the ministry official has a chance to protest. "Hogwarts does not have the money nor the expertise to hire an exorcist, and I would caution against the action even if we did. Peeves is much better friend than foe."

"Well, if that is the case, I will take the matter to the minister," Dolores looks calmer than when she arrived, as always, the mere mention of the minister and her position turning her face into an unattractive, smug expression.

"I caution you on how to proceed, Dolores. You will not receive support from Hogwarts on this matter," Albus issues one final warning.

She pauses only briefly before she turns on her heel and exits the staff room, leaving silence and incredulous expressions behind her.

"She cannot be serious," Minerva protests faintly.

Albus huffs a small chuckle in agreement. "Unfortunately, it seems she is."

"Have there ever been any attempts at exorcism before?" Filius asks curiously, peering over at the Headmaster.

"Yes, which is why I caution her attempts," Albus admits easily, noting the surprise on the faces of his staff. "Well, it is not well known, but the last attempt was in 1876 by the caretaker at the time, Rancorous Carpe. He tried to lure Peeves into a trap, an irresistible amount of weapons beneath a reinforced jar. Not only did Peeves break free from the jar, but he was now armed with weapons. The result was not pleasant." Albus shakes his head, both amused and dreadful. "Peeves caused an evacuation of the castle, firing out windows and threatening death. After a three-day standoff, Headmistress Mole had to sign a contract with Peeves in order to cease and desist. That is how Peeves now has the privileges to swim in the boys' ground floor toilets, first refusal on stale bread from the kitchen for throwing purposes, and the custom hat that he still wears to this day. Unfortunately, it did not extend to the caretaker who started it all, who was forced into an early retirement for health reasons."

"So, what you are saying than," starts Severus, the faintest hint of a smile curling upon the edge of his mouth. "Is if we leave Umbridge as she is, Peeves will get rid of her for us."

"Well, it is a possibility," Albus admits easily, watching all his present professors begin to smile at the knowledge. "However, I do believe it is in our best interest to take proactive care with Peeves. Who would like to join me in the negotiations to leave the rest of us untouched?"

-/-

Peeves snickers from his invisible perch in the rafters with the purring Missus Norris, gleeful as they watch the staff plot to gain immunity.

'Rather fascinating, isn't it?' Peeves poses to Missus Norris and Mister Filch.

'Indeed,' Mister Filch responds easily. 'Should I arrange to catch Misters Weasley for ammunition?'

'Not yet, I think,' Peeves declines. 'We are plenty spontaneous enough on our own.'

'Fair enough,' Mister Filch agrees, pausing for a moment. 'And, I would rather not do anything that would get anyone else blamed, so best to stick to something blatant rather than subtle.'

Peeves nods to himself, looking down at Missus Norris. 'What do you think, lil' miss? Any ideas for this time? Another standoff or a tornado of swords perhaps?'

'That would be unoriginal,' comments Missus Norris easily. 'Perhaps potions? Color changing ones?'

'A tornado of color, how interesting,' Peeves ponders. 'Let's find out the full plan from the toad, figure out who will be exorcising us this time.'

Peeves makes his way across the rafters to a wall rather similar to Platform 9 ¾, moving through the walls with Missus Norris before exiting into the caretaker's office. Missus Norris hops upon Mister Filch's lap and gains a gentle hand carding over her fur.

Mister Filch is sitting at his desk, head tilting thoughtfully. "Perhaps the more pressing issue is what should your demands be this time. The professors are beginning their search."

"Alright," agrees Peeves easily, sitting above a chair in front the caretaker's desk. "I think I should start with access to the house elves and negotiate down from there."

A chill went down the spines of the residents of the castle in forewarning.

Hogwarts was going to become a bit more chaotic.