Charlie read, "Aunt Marge's Big Mistake."

Ron looked at Harry with a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Is then when you...?"

Harry smiled. "Yeah."

Some people were curious as to what they were talking about but knew they wouldn't answer, so no one asked.

Harry's smile faded when he remembered just what had been said in order for him to get mad enough to blow her up.

Harry went down to breakfast the next morning to find the three Dursleys already sitting around the kitchen table.

"The Dursley's actually let you sleep in?" Ron asked shocked.

"It happens occasionally surprisingly enough," Harry shrugged.

They were watching a brand-new television a welcome-home-for-the-summer present for Dudley,

"You're joking?" Charlie said looking disgusted.

"Nope," Harry said shaking his head.

"What exactly did he do to deserve that?" Bill asked. "Did he get exceptional grades or something?"

Harry snorted. "Dudley's grades are horrible; he got it because he wanted it."

The adults frowned.

"That's horrible parenting," Molly said pursing her lips.

who had been complaining loudly about the long walk between the fridge and the television in the living room.

"Is the walk between the fridge and living room far?" Dean asked.

"No," Harry said. "The rooms are right next to each other."

Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually.

"That's not at all healthy," Pomfrey said scandalized. "Who would allow their child to get so large?"

"The Dursley's," Harry said dryly.

"One boy is too large and the other too thin," Molly frowned looking at Harry.

Harry sat down between Dudley and Uncle Vernon, a large, beefy man with very little neck and a lot of mustache.

"Why would you sit between them?" Ron asked making a face.

"There wasn't anywhere else to sit," Harry said. "There are only four seats at the table, anywhere I chose I'd be by them."

Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys gave any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room, but Harry was far too used to this to care.

The adults exchanged dark looks, whilst a few other people began muttering darkly under there breath, Remus snarled quietly and McGonagall glared at Dumbledore

"You shouldn't be used to that Harry," Hermione huffed.

He helped himself to a piece of toast and then looked up at the newsreader on the television, who was halfway through a report on an escaped convict.

Harry shot a quick look at Snuffles who was lying behind the Gryffindor table.

"...the public is warned that Black is armed and extremely dangerous.

"Are they talking about Sirius Black?" Ernie asked and when several people nodded he continued. "He was on the muggle news?"

"The minister thought it would be a good idea to warn them about Black," Amelia said. "After all he did kill thirteen muggles."

Harry felt annoyed, but he didn't say anything, by the end of this book everyone would know the truth.

A special hotline has been set up, and any sighting of Black should be reported immediately."

"No need to tell us he's no good," snorted Uncle Vernon,

"He's one to talk," Ron snapped. "He treats you horribly and you're his nephew."

staring over the top of his newspaper at the prisoner. "Look at the state of him, the filthy lay about! Look at his hair!"

Remus smiled, knowing that if Sirius were in his human form he'd be cursing the Dursley's for talking about his hair.

Snuffles growled.

"They think he's no good because of his hair?" Hermione said rolling her eyes.

"Appearances to them mean everything," Harry told her.

He shot a nasty sideways glance at Harry, whose untidy hair had always been a source of great annoyance to Uncle Vernon.

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's not like I can control it."

Compared to the man on the television, however, whose gaunt face was surrounded by a matted, elbow-length tangle, Harry felt very well groomed indeed.

The Weasley boys burst out laughing while Harry grinned sheepishly at a growling Snuffles.

"Why are they laughing?" Michael asked. "There's nothing funny about Sirius Black."

"Who knows," Stewart said with a shrug.

The newsreader had reappeared.

"The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries will announce today –"

"Hang on!" barked Uncle Vernon, staring furiously at the newsreader. "You didn't tell us where the lunatic's escaped from! What use it that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"

Harry privately wondered if his Uncle had seer blood in him, meanwhile Snape looked over at Snuffles Well now there would be a murderous lunatic by the name of Sirius Black coming up the street and Snape considering joining him

"He's such a drama queen," Hannah said.

Ron and Harry exchanged grins, knowing that Sirius had indeed been there that summer.

Aunt Petunia, who was bony and horse-faced, whipped around and peered intently out of the kitchen window. Harry knew Aunt Petunia would simply love to be the one to call the hotline number.

Hermione glared at the book. "They should spend more time paying attention to you and less time spying on the neighbors."

She was the nosiest woman in the world and spent most of her life spying on her boring, law-abiding neighbors.

"Yet I'm sure she'd call the cops if she saw someone spying on her," Tonks said annoyed with the Dursley's.

"Of course she would," Harry said.

"When will they learn," said Uncle Vernon, pounding the table with his large purple fist, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"

"What?" A few people yelled.

"What people is he talking about?" Molly demanded.

Harry shrugged. "Criminals, wizards and everyone else who isn't normal in their opinions."

"He isn't going back there," Molly hissed quietly to Arthur.

Arthur frowned. "I know Molly; we'll speak with Albus once we've read all the books."

The adults frowned while the students glared at the book.

"Very true," said Aunt Petunia, who was still squinting into next door's runner-beans.

Uncle Vernon drained his teacup, glanced at his watch, and added, "I'd better be off in a minute, Petunia, Marge's train gets in at ten."

Harry, whose thoughts had been upstairs with his Broomstick Servicing Kit, was brought back to earth with an unpleasant bump.

Curious glances were sent to Harry. What's wrong with Marge?

"Aunt Marge?" he blurted out. "Sh-she's not coming here, is she?"

The adults who were already frowning felt their frowns deepen.

"What's wrong with your Aunt Marge Mr. Potter?" McGonagall questioned.

Harry grimaced. "I'm sure the book will say."

Aunt Marge was Uncle Vernon's sister.

"Oh great," Justin said his voice laced with sarcasm. "A female Vernon."

Ernie blanched. "I didn't need that image in my head."

Even though she was not a blood relative of Harry's (whose mother had been Aunt Petunia's sister), he had been forced to call her 'Aunt' all his life. Aunt Marge lived in the country, in a house with a large garden, where she bred bulldogs. She didn't often stay in Privet Drive, because she couldn't bear to leave her precious dogs,

Ron rolled his eyes.

but each of her visits stood out horribly vividly in Harry's mind.

Hermione's eyes narrowed.

At Dudley's fifth birthday party, Aunt Marge had whacked Harry around the shins with her walking stick to stop him beating Dudley at musical statues.

"What?" Several people yelled.

"She hit you?" Molly asked in a dangerous voice.

"I told you not to leave him there," McGonagall hissed to Albus. "Hitting a five year old boy over a silly children's game."

Dumbledore looked sadly at the book. "I never thought they would treat him horribly, I knew they wouldn't necessarily treat him like their own son, but I never knew they would be this bad."

"The fact that you knew they would treat him with anything other than love and kindness makes me wonder just what you were thinking Albus," McGonagall growled.

"I did what I thought was best," Dumbledore said looking his many years.

McGonagall pursed her lips. "You're very lucky that Mr. Potter turned out the way that he did."

A few years later, she had turned up at Christmas with a computerized robot for Dudley and a box of dog biscuits for Harry.

Hermione's narrowed eyes turned to slits. "Let me guess," she spat. "They made you sit there and watch while he played with it?"

Harry sighed. "It's fine Hermione, it was years ago."

"It's not okay Harry," Hermione said fiercely. "No one especially not a child should be treated like that. How would you feel if Ron or I were treated like that?"

Harry frowned. "I would try to help but it's-"

Hermione cut him off. "Don't you dare say that it's different Harry James Potter."

Harry rubbed his scar. 'This book is going to be the death of me.'

On her last visit, the year before Harry had started at Hogwarts, Harry had accidentally trodden on the paw of her favorite dog. Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree,

Harry scowled. "I hate that bloody dog."

and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight.

"What?" Hermione and Molly yelled.

"That woman is horrible," Molly said. "How can anyone treat such a sweet boy like that?"

Fred and George exchanged angry looks; this Marge woman was now on their prank list.

"How long were you in that tree for Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asked.

Harry tried to remember. "Six or seven hours I think."

McGonagall's lips thinned into a white line and she shot a glare at Albus.

The memory of the incident still brought tears of laughter to Dudley's eyes.

"Fat git," Ron muttered.

"Marge'll be here for a week," Uncle Vernon snarled, "and while we're on the subject," he pointed a fat finger threateningly at Harry, "we need to get a few things straight before I go and collect her."

"Oh I can't wait to hear this," Theodore drawled.

Dudley smirked and withdrew his gaze from the television. Watching Harry being bullied by Uncle Vernon was Dudley's favorite form of entertainment.

Harry's friends growled.

"That git is lucky we can't use magic until we're seventeen," Ron snarled.

Molly didn't even bother to reprimand her youngest son; she was too busy glaring at the book.

"Firstly," growled Uncle Vernon, "you'll keep a civil tongue in your head when you're talking to Marge."

"If he does, he has more self-control than me," Anthony said. "After all it's said she's done to him, I don't know if I'd be able to."

"All right," said Harry bitterly, "if she does when she's talking to me."

Snape inwardly sighed. 'That was such a Lily response.'

"Harry," Hermione groaned. "That isn't going to help the situation."

"Secondly," said Uncle Vernon, acting as though he had not heard Harry's reply,

"He always acts as though he can't hear me," Harry said carelessly.

"as Marge doesn't know anything about your abnormality,

More glares were directed towards the book.

"Harry isn't the abnormal one," Seamus said harshly.

I don't want any – any funny stuff while she's here. You behave yourself, got me?"

Ron snorted knowing that Harry didn't "behave himself."

"I will if she does," said Harry through gritted teeth.

Hermione sent a worried look at the book. "Harry, don't make him angry."

"And thirdly," said Uncle Vernon, his mean little eyes now slits in his great purple face, "we've told Marge you attend St Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys."

"What?" Everyone yelled.

"They told everyone that you attend where?" Ron yelled. "You didn't tell us that!"

"That's what you meant when you said no one would find it odd that you had bars on your windows," Susan said. "Everyone thinks that you're a criminal."

"How could they say that?" Molly asked turning red from anger.

"For people who seem to care so much about appearances it's odd that they'd say that," Hermione said. "You wouldn't think they'd want their neighbors and friends to think they're related to a criminal."

"What?" Harry yelled.

"And you'll be sticking to that story, boy, or there'll be trouble," spat Uncle Vernon.

Harry sat there, white-faced and furious, staring at Uncle Vernon, hardly able to believe it. Aunt Marge coming for a week-long visit – it was the worst birthday present the Dursleys had ever given him, including that pair of Uncle Vernon's old socks.

"Her coming to visit should be considered a form of torture," Ron muttered.

"Well, Petunia," said Uncle Vernon, getting heavily to his feet, "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"

"He's thirteen and they still call him that?" Parvarti said wrinkling her nose.

"No," said Dudley, whose attention had returned to the television now that Uncle Vernon had finished threatening Harry.

"Of course," Ron snarled.

"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie," said Aunt Petunia, smoothing Dudley's thick blond hair.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Lavender mumbled to herself.

"Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow-tie."

Looks of disbelief were sent towards the book.

"How old does she think he is? Five?" Neville asked incredulously.

"I think you're forgetting the more important question Neville," Fred said.

"Yeah," George agreed. "More importantly I'd like to know how she expects people to be able to see his bow tie under all his chins!"

The hall laughed as Molly gave them a half-hearted stern look.

Uncle Vernon clapped Dudley on his porky shoulder.

"See you in a bit, then," he said, and he left the kitchen.

Harry, who had been sitting in a kind of horrified trance,

"I don't blame you mate," Ron told him. "I'd be horrified if my mum told me my Aunt Muriel was coming to visit and she isn't half as bad as Marge."

The Weasley children made faces at the mention of their Aunt Muriel.

had a sudden idea.

"Oh no." Most of the room moaned.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Not all of my ideas are bad."

Abandoning his toast, he got quickly to his feet and followed Uncle Vernon to the front door.

Uncle Vernon was pulling on his car coat.

"Car coat?" Charlie stopped reading to ask incredulously.

"That's a type of coat in the muggle world," Hermione told him.

"I'm not taking you," he snarled, as he turned to see Harry watching him.

"I highly doubt Harry wants to go," Hermione huffed.

"Like I wanted to come," said Harry coldly.

"Don't get yourself into trouble," Neville said looking at the book as though afraid of what might happen.

"I want to ask you something."

Uncle Vernon eyed him suspiciously.

"Honestly," Hermione threw her hands up in exasperation. "Asking questions should be encouraged."

The Ravenclaws nodded in agreement to Hermione's comment.

"Third years at Hog – at my school are allowed to visit the village sometimes," said Harry.

Moody realizing where Harry was going with this nodded. "Nice tactic Potter."

"So?" snapped Uncle Vernon, taking his car keys from a hook next to the door.

"I need you to sign the permission form," said Harry in a rush.

"I can't believe you actually asked him," Neville said.

"Did you really think he'd say yes?" Seamus asked.

Harry shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"And why should I do that?" sneered Uncle Vernon.

"Well, said Harry, choosing his words carefully, "it'll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge that I go to that St Whatsits..."

"Nice Harry." The twins said grinning.

"That's actually a good plan," Bill said.

"Harry," Molly chided gently.

Harry looked sheepishly at her. "Sorry Mrs. Weasley but it was the only way I could think of to get him to even consider signing the form."

"St Brutus's Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, and Harry was pleased to hear a definite note of panic in Uncle Vernon's voice.

Ron smirked. "Good, make him sweat."

"Exactly," said Harry, looking calmly up into Uncle Vernon's large, purple face. "It's a lot to remember. I'll have to make it sound convincing, won't I? What if I accidentally let something slip?"

"Be careful Harry," Tonks warned.

"I don't like the idea of you blackmailing someone," Remus said as he looked to be having an internal struggle. "But in this case I'm not against it."

"Remus!" McGonagall and Molly said shocked.

"You're condoning that sort of behavior?" Molly questioned.

"In this situation, yes I guess I am," Remus told her.

Molly frowned.

"You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?" roared Uncle Vernon, advancing on Harry with his fist raised.

"If he lays one finger on you," Tonks growled.

Remus' eyes flashed dangerously.

Hermione grabbed Harry's hand to calm herself down.

But Harry stood his ground.

"Go Harry!" The twins yelled.

"Why are you all of a sudden defiant?" Dean asked. "In the other two books you let him do whatever he wanted.

"I was becoming a teenager," Harry shrugged. "And I was a lot more confident at thirteen than I was at eleven."

"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her," he said grimly.

"You tell him Harry!" The twins cheered.

"That's true, she wouldn't forget what she saw," Dean said.

"The ministry would probably obliviate her actually," Terry said.

"Yeah, but Harry's family doesn't know that," Dean pointed out.

Uncle Vernon stopped, his fist still raised, his face an ugly puce.

"But if you sign my permission form," Harry went on quickly, "I swear I'll remember where I'm supposed to go to school, and I'll act like a Mug – like I'm normal and everything."

The twins snorted.

"Good luck with that Harrikins," Fred said.

Harry could tell that Uncle Vernon was thinking it over, even if his teeth were bared and a vein was throbbing in his temple.

"He was trying to decide what he wanted more," Harry said. "For me to be miserable or for Marge to find out that I'm a freak."

"You aren't a freak!" Harry's friends yelled.

"I know I'm not," Harry told him. "But my aunt and uncle think I am."

"Still," Hermione frowned. "Don't call yourself that."

"Right," he snapped finally. "I shall monitor your behavior carefully during Marge's visit. If, at the end of it, you've toed the line and kept to the story, I'll sign your ruddy form."

"How do you know he'd keep his word?" Tonks asked. "As soon as Marge leaves you wouldn't have anything else to bargain with."

"If he didn't sign it I would've told him that I would just tell her next time she came by," Harry told her. "He'd sign it then."

He wheeled around, pulled open the front door, and slammed it so hard that one of the little panes of glass at the top fell out.

"Anger issues," Hannah muttered.

Harry didn't return to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his bedroom. If he was going to act like a real Muggle, he'd better start now. Slowly and sadly he gathered up all his presents and his birthday cards and hid them under the loose floorboard with his homework. Then he went to Hedwig's cage. Errol seemed to have recovered; he and Hedwig were both asleep, heads under their wings. Harry sighed, then poked them both awake.

"That's not very nice," Luna said frowning.

"Hedwig," he said gloomily, "you're going to have to clear off for a week. Go with Errol, Ron'll look after you.

Ron nodded absentmindedly.

I'll write him a note, explaining. And don't look at me like that" – Hedwig's large amber eyes were reproachful, "it's not my fault. It's the only way I'll be allowed to visit Hogsmeade with Ron and Hermione."

"She probably wasn't mad at you Harry," Hermione told him. "She most likely didn't want to leave you all alone."

Harry smiled at the thought of his owl.

Ten minutes later, Errol and Hedwig (who had a note to Ron bound to her leg) soared out of the window and out of sight. Harry, now feeling thoroughly miserable, put the empty cage away inside the wardrobe.

"Wouldn't you of had to send Hedwig away anyways?" Dean asked. "Surely Marge wouldn't think someone having an owl was normal?"

"I would've just had her leaving during the day and come back at night," Harry told him.

But Harry didn't have long to brood. In next to no time, Aunt Petunia was shrieking up the stairs for Harry to come down and get ready to welcome their guest.

Snape had to stop himself from wincing, remembering just how loud Petunia could be.

"Do something about your hair!" Aunt Petunia snapped as he reached the hall.

"After twelve years you would think she'd know that his hair is untameable," Hermione said.

Harry couldn't see the point of trying to make his hair lie flat. Aunt Marge loved criticizing him, so the untidier he looked, the happier she would be.

Molly looked ready to explode; only Arthur's hand on her arm was stopping her from doing so.

All too soon, there was a crunch of gravel outside as Uncle Vernon's car pulled back into the driveway, then the clunk of the car doors, and footsteps on the garden path.

"Get the door!" Aunt Petunia hissed at Harry.

"He's not a bloody house elf," Ron grumbled.

Hermione shot him a reproachful look but didn't say anything.

A feeling of great gloom in his stomach, Harry pulled the door open.

On the threshold stood Aunt Marge, she was very like Uncle Vernon; large, beefy, and purple-faced, she even had a mustache –– though not as bushy as his.

The hall was silent for a second before everyone burst into laughter.

"She really is a female Vernon!" Fred guffawed.

"She sounds horrible," Lavender said in between her giggles.

In one hand she held an enormous suitcase, and tucked under the other was an old and evil-tempered bulldog.

Harry groaned at the mention of the dog.

"Is that the one that chased you up the tree?" Hermione asked noticing his reaction.

"Yes," Harry grumbled.

"Where's my Dudders?" roared Aunt Marge. "Where's my neffy poo?"

Laughter broke out again.

"Merlin what is with that family and using ridiculous nicknames?" Lee asked leaning on George for support.

Dudley came waddling down the hall, his blond hair plastered to flat to his fat head, a bow-tie just visible under his many chins.

Parvarti and Lavender exchanged looks of disgust.

"He waddles?" Alicia asked her nose wrinkling. "Is he really that big?"

"Yes." Harry, Ron, Fred and George said.

"How do you three know?" Alicia asked looking at the three youngest male Weasley's.

"We saw him when we went to get Harry for the Quidditch World Cup last summer," Ron said.

Aunt Marge thrust the suitcase into Harry's stomach, knocking the wind out of him,

Pomfrey glared at the book. 'He will definitely be coming to me for a thorough examination.'

seized Dudley in a tight one-armed hug, and planted a large kiss on his cheek.

Seamus pretended to vomit.

Harry knew perfectly well that Dudley only put up with Aunt Marge's hugs because he was well paid for it, and sure enough, when they broke apart, Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note clutched in his fat fist.

The adults sighed.

"That's no way to raise a child," Molly said frowning.

"He should be willing to hug her because she is his aunt," Hermione said crossing her arms over her chest. "Not because he's being paid for it."

"Petunia!" shouted Aunt Marge, striding past Harry as though he was a hat-stand.

Hermione was trying hard not to yell. She didn't know her best friend's home life was this bad, she knew the Dursley's were awful but she didn't know just how awful they truly were. Never before had she wanted to hex somebody that wasn't Voldemort.

Aunt Marge and Aunt Petunia kissed, or rather; Aunt Marge bumped her large jaw against Aunt Petunia's bony cheekbone.

Uncle Vernon now came in, smiling jovially as he shut the door. "Tea, Marge?" he said. "And what will Ripper take?"

"He's a dog," Tonks said staring oddly at the book. "They drink water."

"Ripper can have some tea out of my saucer,"

"That's not very hygienic," Susan said.

"Since when do dogs drink tea?" Anthony muttered.

said Aunt Marge, as they all trooped into the kitchen, leaving Harry alone in the hall with the suitcase. But Harry wasn't complaining; any excuse not to be with Aunt Marge was fine by him, so he began to heave the case upstairs into the spare bedroom, taking as long as he could.

"I don't blame you," Stewart said.

"If I were you I'd stay up there for her whole visit," Kevin said.

"Do you honestly think they'd let him?" Stewart asked incredulously.

"Not really," Kevin shrugged. "But I can hope."

By the time he got back into the kitchen, Aunt Marge had been supplied with tea and fruitcake and Ripper was lapping noisily in the corner.

Harry smirked. "Aunt Petunia didn't like that."

Harry saw Aunt Petunia wince as specks of tea and drool flecked her clean floor. Aunt Petunia hated animals.

Snape was internally grinning, serves the woman right.

"Who's looking after the dogs, Marge?" Uncle Vernon asked.

"Oh, I've got Colonel Fubster managing them," boomed Aunt Marge. "He's retired now, good for him to have something to do. But I couldn't leave poor Ripper. He pines if he's away from me."

"I'm sure he does," Euan said rolling his eyes.

Ripper began to growl again as Harry sat down. This directed Aunt Marge's attention to Harry for the first time.

"That's your luck," Hermione sighed.

"So!" she barked. "Still here, are you?"

"Where does she think he would've gone?" Jack asked.

"An orphanage or someone else," Andrew said.

"I'd rather live in an orphanage," Harry muttered.

"Yes," said Harry.

"Don't you say 'yes' in that ungrateful tone," Aunt Marge growled. "It's damned good of Vernon and Petunia to keep you. Wouldn't have done it myself. You'd have gone straight to an orphanage if you'd been dumped on my doorstep."

Harry blanched; he didn't want to imagine having been raised by Marge.

Harry was bursting to say that he'd rather live in an orphanage than with the Dursleys

"Unfortunately you wouldn't have been treated any better in one," Kingsley said. "Not once you showed signs of magic."

Dumbledore thought about the young Tom Riddle and he had to agree with Kingsley.

but the thought of the Hogsmeade form stopped him.

Snape raised an eyebrow. 'The boy's showing some semblance of self-control.'

He forced his face into a painful smile.

"Don't you smirk at me!" boomed at Aunt Marge.

"I see being over dramatic runs in the family," Blaise drawled.

"I can see you haven't improved since I last saw you.

"She needs to mind her own business," Tonks snapped. "She isn't even related to him."

I hoped school would knock some manners into you."

Hermione's eyes narrowed further than Harry thought was possible.

She took a large gulp of tea, wiped her mustache and said, "Where is it that you send him again, Vernon?"

"St Brutus's," said Uncle Vernon promptly. "It's a first-rate institution for hopeless cases."

"What's the point of sending someone to school if they're a hopeless case?" Ron asked but no one answered.

"I see," said Aunt Marge. "Do they use the cane at St Brutus's, boy?" she barked across the table.

"Do they?" Bill asked frowning.

Harry looked taken aback. "You guys do know that I don't go there, I go to Hogwarts. So no they don't use a cane."

Bill looked sheepish. "Sorry I forgot, I got caught up in the book."

"Er –"

Uncle Vernon nodded curtly behind Aunt Marge's back.

"Yes," said Harry. Then, feeling he might as well do the thing properly, he added, "All the time."

"Excellent," said Aunt Marge.

"Horrible," Ginny muttered under her breath.

Molly had to bite her lip to keep from saying something.

Harry could feel anger radiating off of Hermione so he grabbed her hand.

"I won't have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good thrashing is what's needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred.

Snuffles growled and Remus had to close his eyes and take deep breaths to keep from apparating to wherever this Marge woman lived and strangling her.

Have you been beaten often?"

"Who asks someone that?" Ginny asked horrified.

"Someone with no tact," Ron said.

No one bothered to tell him that he was the last person to talk about tact.

"Oh, yeah," said Harry, "loads of times."

Aunt Marge narrowed her eyes.

"Don't over sell it boy!" Moody barked.

"I still don't like your tone, boy," she said. "If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren't hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I'd write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve of the use of extreme force in this boy's case."

Hermione's body was trembling with anger.

Perhaps Uncle Vernon was worried that Harry might forget their bargain; in any case, he changed the subject abruptly.

"Heard the news this morning, Marge? What about that escaped prisoner, eh?"

Snuffles growled again but only Harry and the Weasley's noticed.

As Aunt Marge started to make herself at home, Harry caught himself thinking almost longingly of life at number four without her. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia usually encouraged Harry to stay out of their way, which Harry was only too happy to do. Aunt Marge, on the other hand, wanted Harry under her eye at all time, so that she could boom out suggestions for his improvement.

"Bitch," Ron growled.

"Ronald," Molly said warningly. "I know she isn't a nice woman but watch your language."

She delighted in comparing Harry with Dudley,

"There's no comparison," Fred said angry at everything they've heard this chapter.

"Harry is a billion times the person that whale could even hope to be," George said.

and took huge pleasure in buying Dudley expensive presents whilst glaring at Harry, as though daring him to ask why he hadn't got a present, too.

"That's horrible," Hannah said sadly.

"I'm used to it," Harry shrugged.

The careless way in which Harry said he was used to it just made Hermione angrier.

She also kept throwing out dark hints about what made Harry such an unsatisfactory person.

Dean snorted. "Harry is about as far from unsatisfactory as a person can get."

"You mustn't blame yourself for the way the boy's turned out, Vernon," she said over lunch on the third day. "If there's something rotten on the inside, there's nothing anyone can do about it."

"He's not the rotten one," Ron snapped.

George looked at Harry appraisingly. "He doesn't look rotten to me." He turned to his brother. "What do you think?"

Fred rubbed his chin. "No I don't think he does dear brother of mine."

Harry rolled his eyes but he smiled nonetheless.

Harry tried to concentrate on his food, but his hands shook and his face was starting to burn with anger. Remember the form, he told himself.Think about Hogsmeade. Don't say anything. Don't rise –

"Don't get angry Harry," Neville said. "She's just trying to make you mad; she wants you to get into trouble."

Aunt Marge reached for her glass of wine.

"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup –"

The hall gasped.

"She did not just talk badly about your deceased mother in front of you?" Tonks yelled.

Hermione looked livid and Ron was red.

Snape's hands were curled into fists and he tried to calm himself down.

Remus was seeing red. 'How dare that vile woman talk about Lily!'

Snuffles was growling at the book. 'When my name is cleared I'm going to go pay this Marge woman a visit.'

"What a horrible thing to say in front of Lily's son," McGonagall said shocked that someone could be so horrible.

"And how very far from the truth," Flitwick said unusually angry. "Lily was one of the kindest and smartest people I've ever met."

It took a few minutes for the room to calm down; when it did Charlie continued to read.

At that moment, the wine glass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand.

The adults looked shocked and Moody was looking appraisingly at the teen.

"You did accidental magic at thirteen?" Tonks asked. "I didn't even know that was possible."

"It's possibly but very rare," Dumbledore said. "If a witch or wizard is powerful and they feel a great surge of emotion, such as anger as was in Harry's case, their magic will lash out."

People were trying to send Harry covert looks but he still noticed.

Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge spluttered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping.

The twins snickered.

"I can't wait to hear how your relatives explain that," Fred said.

"Marge!" squealed Aunt Petunia. "Marge, are you all right?"

"Who cares if she's injured?" Ron muttered quietly so his parents couldn't hear.

"Not to worry," grunted Aunt Marge, mopping her face with her napkin. "Must have squeezed it too hard. Did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day. No need to fuss, Petunia, I have a very strong grip..."

"She provided an excuse that's good," Bill said.

"Muggles tend to do that," Arthur said. "Magic is all around them, they just choose not to see it."

But Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were both looking at Harry suspiciously,

"They knew it was you," Katie said quietly.

so he decided he'd better skip pudding and escape from the table as soon as he could.

Outside in the hall, he leaned against the wall, breathing deeply. It had been a long time since he'd lost control

"It was normal for you to have bursts of accidental magic after you started at Hogwarts?" McGonagall asked looking intently at him.

"Only when I was really angry," Harry told her.

The adults exchanged looks; they would have to keep an eye on him.

and made something explode. He couldn't afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn't the only thing at stake – if he carried on like that, he'd be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.

Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school.

"But it was accidental," Hermione said looking at the ministry officials. "Surely he wouldn't be punished for that?"

The aurors and Madam Bones exchanged looks.

"A child shouldn't be performing accidental magic after they turn eleven," Amelia said sounding like a professor. "And the ministry can't differentiate the difference between accidental magic and that done on purpose. So in the eyes of the ministry he performed it intentionally."

"But I didn't get a letter for making Marge's glass explode," Harry said looking confused.

"The amount of magic it would take to cause a glass to explode is so insignificant that it most likely didn't even show up," Amelia answered.

His record wasn't exactly clean, either. Only last summer he'd got an official warning which had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.

Before anyone could say anything Amelia spoke. "Don't worry Mr. Potter, like I said when we read about the house elf; that will be removed from your record."

He heard the Dursleys leaving the table and hurried upstairs out of the way.

Harry got through the next three days by forcing himself to think about his Handbook of Do-it-Yourself Broom care whenever Aunt Marge started on him.

Hermione smiled glad that her gift helped him so much.

This worked quite well, though it seemed to give him a glazed look, because Aunt Marge starting voicing the opinion that he was mentally subnormal.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm sure she already thought I was mentally subnormal."

At last, at long last, the final evening of Marge's stay arrived.

"Finally." Several people muttered.

Aunt Petunia cooked a fancy dinner and Uncle Vernon uncorked several bottles of wine.

"The Dursley's and alcohol don't seem like a good mix," Sprout said worriedly.

"Several bottles for three adults?" Pomfrey frowned.

They got all the way through the soup and the salmon without a single mention of Harry's faults;

"I'm surprised they could go that long without complaining about you," Ron said grumpily.

"I know, I think it's a record," Harry said seriously.

during the lemon meringue pie, Uncle Vernon bored them all with a long talk about Grunnings, his drill-making company;

"It was worse than the time we had to listen to the talk about cauldron bottoms," Harry said causing the twins and Ron to burst into laughter.

Harry realized what he said and winced. "Sorry Percy."

"It's fine Harry, I know they don't interest most people," Percy told him.

then Aunt Petunia made coffee and Uncle Vernon brought out a bottle of brandy.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Tonks said warily.

"Can I tempt you, Marge?"

Aunt Marge had already had rather a lot of wine. Her huge face was very red. "Just a small one, then," she chuckled. "A bit more than that... and a bit more... that's the boy."

"She doesn't sound like she needs to be drinking anymore," Padma said.

Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie.

"Fourth slice?" Ginny said with wide eyes. "Not even Ron eats that much."

Ron glared at his sister while those who knew about Ron's eating habits laughed.

Aunt Petunia was sipping coffee with her little finger sticking out. Harry really wanted to disappear to his bedroom, but he met Uncle Vernon's angry little eyes and knew he would have to sit it out.

"Why?" Dean demanded. "Most of the time they don't even feed you, yet they're making you stay."

"Marge," Hermione said, saying the name Marge like it was worse than mudblood. "Probably wants to be able to criticize Harry, and of course it won't be as fun if he isn't there to hear it."

"Aah," said Aunt Marge, smacking her lips and putting the empty brandy glass back down. "Excellent nosh, Petunia. It's normally just a fry-up for me of an evening, with twelve dogs to look after..." She burped richly

Many people made faces, disgusted with Marge's behavior.

and patted her great tweed stomach. "Pardon me. But I do like to see a healthy-sized boy," she went on, winking at Dudley.

"Healthy sized?" Hermione said incredulously.

"That woman needs to get her eyes checked," Dean said.

"You'll be a proper-sized man, Dudders, like your father.

The twins snorted.

"If he's proper sized than I hate pranks," George said.

Yes, I'll have a spot more brandy, Vernon..."

"She doesn't need any more," Demelza said.

"Now, this one here –" She jerked her head at Harry, who felt his stomach clench.

"Here we go," Harry muttered under his breath.

The Handbook, he thought quickly.

"This one's got a mean, runty look about him.

"He does not!" Harry's friends yelled.

"Dudley's the one that goes around bullying little kids and throwing rocks at cars," George said glaring at the book.

"Yet Harry's the mean one?" Fred said wanting nothing more than to prank all of the Dursley's.

You get that with dogs. I had Colonel Fubster drown one last year. Ratty little thing it was. Weak. Underbred."

The hall went eerily silent as everyone turned to look at Harry.

"Was she insinuating that you should be killed?" Hermione said through gritted teeth.

Harry eyed his best friend cautiously. "Hermione I'm fine, she didn't do anything to me."

"That's not the point Harry," Arthur said in a fatherly tone but you could tell he was angry.

Harry refused to say anything else so they drop the subject for now.

Amelia, Moody, Kingsley and Tonks were thinking of ways to bring the muggles up on charges.

Harry was trying to remember page twelve of his book: A Charm to Cure Reluctant Reversers.

"It all comes down to blood, as I was saying the other day. Bad blood will out.

The muggleborns frowned, she sounds like a muggle version of a death eater.

Now, I'm saying nothing against your family, Petunia"

Snape and Remus both narrowed their eyes.

she patted Petunia's bony hand with her shovel-like one, "but your sister was a bad egg.

"Bad egg?" Remus ground out. "Lily was the furthest thing from a bad egg."

"How dare she?" Tonks hissed.

Harry closed his eyes, not wanting to dwell on everything Marge had said, knowing that none of its true.

They turn up in the best families. Then she ran off with a wastrel and here's the result right in front of us."

Growls were heard from all the tables.

Hermione gasped and Ron looked incensed.

"Wastrel?" McGonagall said furiously. "James Potter may have been a prankster but he was a good man and a very talented wizard."

Snuffles was growling louder than ever, he wanted to tear that woman limb from limb.

Remus looked ready to apparate to Private Drive and kill all of the Dursley's so Tonks grabbed his hand in an effort to comfort him.

Harry was staring at his plate, a funny ringing in his ears. Grasp your broom firmly by the tail, he thought. But he couldn't remember what came next. Aunt Marge's voice seemed to be boring into him like one of Uncle Vernon's drills.

"This Potter," said Aunt Marge loudly, seizing the brandy bottle and splashing more into her glass and over the tablecloth,

"She really needs to stop drinking," Hannah said looking at Harry worriedly.

"You never told me what he did?"

"It's none of her business!" Tonks yelled.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked up from his pie to gape at his parents.

"He – didn't work," said Uncle Vernon, with a half-glance at Harry. "Unemployed."

"He was fighting a war," Remus growled. "He was trying to protect his wife and son."

"As I expected!" said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. "A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who –"

All around the hall people's mouths were falling open.

"How can she say that to a boy who never got to know his father?" Sprout asked horrified.

"She acts like he didn't take care of his family," Remus said with fury boiling inside of him. "He came from money it's not like he had to work, but he would've if it hadn't been for Voldemort. He spent his time fighting death eaters and then when he went into hiding for Harry's sake he tried to protect his family. He did what a man is supposed to."

"I hope you didn't believe her," Molly said solemnly.

"I didn't," Harry assured her. "Hagrid and some other people told me about my parents, I knew it wasn't true."

"He was not," said Harry suddenly.

The table went very quiet. Harry was shaking all over. He had never felt so angry in his life.

"You did exactly what she wanted you to do," Moody barked. "You lost your cool."

"What do you expect him to have done?" Tonks asked angrily. "She was saying horrible things about his parents. Should he have just let her?"

"I'm not saying that," Moody grunted. "I'm just saying he should've kept calm."

"MORE BRANDY!" yelled Uncle Vernon, who had gone very white.

"He should've stopped her from talking," Bill said. "He can't honestly have expected you to just sit and take that."

He emptied the bottle into Aunt Marge's glass. "You, boy," he snarled at Harry. "Go to bed, go on –"

"If you would've just let him go to bed earlier, all of this could've been avoided," Ron growled.

"No, Vernon," hiccoughed Aunt Marge, holding up a hand, her tiny bloodshot eyes fixed on Harry's. "Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you?

"Yes," Harry said fiercely.

They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect) –"

"James and Lily would never have driven drunk," Remus growled trying to stay calm. "Especially not with Harry in the car."

Snuffles was pacing back and forth in between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables trying to not lose his temper.

"They didn't die in a car crash!" said Harry, who found himself on his feet.

"Oh no," Hermione moaned.

"They died in a car crash, you nasty little liar, and left you to be a burden on their decent, hardworking relatives!" screamed Aunt Marge, swelling with fury.

"Decent?" Susan said incredulously.

"Hard working?" Hannah said in disbelief. "Last time I checked Harry was the one who did all of the chores and cooking."

"You are an insolent, ungrateful little –"

Everyone in the hall who liked Harry was furious with Marge.

"He is far from ungrateful you cow," Ginny spat."

But Aunt Marge had suddenly stopped speaking. For a moment, it looked as though words had failed her. She seemed to be swelling with inexpressible anger – but the swelling didn't stop.

Ron was laughing hard and clutching onto Harry for support.

"What?" Bill asked. "Did you do something?"

Harry shrugged as laughter over took him. "It was on accident."

Her great red face started to expand, her tiny eyes bulged, and her mouth stretched too tightly for speech.

Grins spread across the twins faces.

Next second, several buttons burst from her tweed jacket and pinged off the walls – she was inflating like a monstrous balloon, her stomach bursting free of her tweed waistband, each of her fingers blowing up like salami...

By the end of the description everyone was laughing.

"That's priceless," George said leaning on Angelina to keep from falling over.

"You blew her up?" Neville asked amused. "Now I see what Ron meant when he asked you something back at the beginning of the chapter."

"That's the best case of accidental magic I've ever heard," Seamus chuckled.

The adults tried to look disapproving but they failed.

"MARGE!" yelled Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia together; as Aunt Marge's whole body began to rise off her chair towards the ceiling.

The laughter increased as everyone pictured in their heads.

She was entirely round, now, like a vast life buoy with piggy eyes, and her hands and feet stuck out weirdly as she drifted up into the air, making apoplectic popping noises.

"I wish I could've seen that," Fred said as he wiped tears of laughter from his eyes.

Ripper came skidding into the room, barking madly.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Uncle Vernon seized one of Aunt Marge's feet and tried to pull her down again, but was almost lifted from the floor himself. Next second, Ripper had leapt forward and sunk his teeth into Uncle Vernon's leg.

"That's the best thing that dog ever did," Harry said smiling at the memory.

"That's hilarious!" Dean said clutching his stomach.

Harry tore from the dining room before anyone could stop him,

"I don't blame you," Neville said as the laughter died down. "I wouldn't want to go near the Dursley's after that."

heading for the cupboard under the stairs. The cupboard door burst magically open as he reached it.

"You still had enough energy to burst open the cupboard after you blew up your aunt?" Moody said. "Very impressive Potter."

In seconds, he had heaved his trunk to the front door.

He sprinted upstairs and threw himself under the bed, wrenched up the loose floorboard and grabbed the pillowcase full of his books and birthday presents.

"At least one good thing came from you having to pack all of your stuff away," Hermione said. "It was easier to grab."

He wriggled out, seized Hedwig's empty cage and dashed back downstairs to his trunk, just as Uncle Vernon burst out of the dining room, his trouser leg in bloody tatters.

"COME BACK IN HERE!" he bellowed. "COME BACK AND PUT HER RIGHT!"

"So now he wants you to perform magic?" Bill said rolling his eyes.

But a reckless rage had come over Harry.

"That's never a good thing," Hermione murmured.

He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his wand and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.

The hall groaned.

"I know you were angry Harry," Arthur said calmly. "But using more magic would only make matters worse."

Harry sighed. "I know, I was just so angry I couldn't help myself."

"She deserved it," Harry said, breathing very fast.

"She did." Several people said.

"She deserved what she got. You keep away from me."

He fumbled behind him for the catch on the door.

"I'm going," Harry said. "I've had enough."

"You left?" Neville asked shocked. "Where did you go?"

"You'll see," was all Harry would say.

"That's the end of the chapter," Charlie said. "Who wants to read next?"

"I will," Percy volunteered.

Charlie nodded and handed his brother the book.