Chapter 2

The brisk streets of Montreal was familiar territory to the Best Friends. They knew the ins and outs of the alleyways, the metros, that place where they got arrested one time. All the usual haunts and backdrops of their lives all seemed much more important now. Liam realized this as they walked by each one, for he would find himself remembering what good times they've had. And further realizing what a bad time they were having now.

"This stupid map is dumb!" Pat yelled, snapping Liam out of the daze he was in. "It's just pulling us around in circles! I don't even recognize where it's trying to take us!"

Woolie snatched the map out of Pat's rabid hands before he could tear it to shreds as he was oft wont to do. He looked over it, turning it this way and that trying to find some way to understand it. "Maybe if you hadn't have copied it down with crayon we wouldn't be lost."

"Matt didn't buy any pens for the office! What else was I supposed to use?!"

"No pens, only crayons." Liam said as he reached for the map. "It was in the fine print of our contracts."

Woolie nodded and brought his arms up and behind his head. Pat sneered at the stupid anime pose he was doing. "Matt always did know how to keep things light."

"You're acting like he's been dead for years! It's only been like two hours!"

"Two hours spent wandering around." Liam said. "Wasn't the monitor hooked up to the computer Pat?"

"Yeah so?"

"Couldn't we have just.. printed it?"

Pat stopped dead in his tracks. He looked like he was about to burst and that was a mess, Liam decided, he didn't want to clean up. Woolie snickered in his place and turned to Pat. "You stupid idiot."

"You didn't think of it either!" Pat finally said. "I may be a stupid idiot but I'm owning up to it, coward!"

"Easy, easy, I was just joking."

Liam decided to ignore their usual bickering. He held the map up and tried to decipher it. The red crayon made it hard to see but it didn't look like that would have mattered. The map itself was oddly designed. Street names were absent, instead it was more of a pattern. There was a mark near the center of it all which had to be where they needed to go. He couldn't help but feel like the lines looked familiar, almost like a tunnel system. Then it dawned on him.

"Guys, we need to get to a metro."

"Huh?" Woolie said. But Liam was already moving. The two followed him. They made it to a crowded metro station and fought to get down the stairs. Woolie had no problem making his way through the masses, Pat and Liam on the other hand had some issues. Pat pushed himself through, at one point making a baby cry. Liam just got into a rhythm of slipping in and out of the crowd, until eventually they were all down the stairs.

"I hate the Metro." Pat said.

"Me too" Liam and Woolie agreed and continued onward. Liam stopped at a display that detailed all the lines. Liam held up the map and pressed it against the display. The lines matched. What was more, the dot was situated perfectly along one of the lines.

"Agh, of course!" Pat said. "It's the metro!"

"So if that dot is where we're supposed to go, then that means..." Woolie's eyes widened as he realized what had to be done. "We're going into the tunnels?"

Liam nodded. "That's right boys, it's a fucking underground level."

"Godammit." Pat groaned. "God fucking dammit."

"How are we even gonna get down there?" Woolie said. "The path is gonna be blocked and security is gonna kick us out! Not to mention the crowd!"

"Why couldn't Matt have waited until after the Holidays to get killed?"

Liam looked around, the crowd was big enough to do things without attracting too much attention. The turnstiles were loud and obnoxious, anything could really be put through them. He craned his neck to try and get a view of the tunnel they were at. He could see a couple security guards, a man in a Metro work uniform walking past them, and of course the sight of a train speeding through the station well over the speed needed to crush someone into a flattened mess of organs and bits of skin. Liam shuddered at the thought and turned back to the others.

"Which tunnel does it say we need to go to?"

Pat re-examined the map. "Looks like somewhere near Outermont. Right in the center of this mess."

"We're at Mount Royal." Woolie said. "That's a pretty good walk."

"Then that's where we're going." Liam said and folded the map back down. He motioned for them to follow as they proceeded for the turnstiles. Pat grabbed Woolie's arm and let Liam walk ahead a ways before they both continued.

"Does Liam seem a little different than usual?" Pat said.

"I mean, Matt IS missing, seemes pretty reasonable for him to be a little stressed."

"But before that. He was just as strange. Like he's hiding something."

Woolie watched Liam as he scanned his card at the turnstile. His eyes were determined, sharp. Not at all the doe eyed look he usually had. "Yeah... you know you're right."

"Think we should talk to him?"

"Later." Woolie said and scanned his way in. "Right now we need to focus on getting Matt."

Liam was already nearing the tunnel. The security guard was pacing about. Liam tried to study his pattern, but this wasn't exactly a metal gear game. He was random. Liam found a bench to sit at, and was soon joined by the others. "We need some kind of distraction. Whatcha got?"

Pat blinked. "You mean now?"

"Yeah. Now."

Woolie and Pat exchanged glances. As they did, A train pulled into the station. Woolie stood up. "I got this."

He neared the train, careful to avoid getting swept up in the crowd. After doing a double check to make sure a guard was looking, he cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted at the top of his lungs. "Chie is best waifu!" Some people in the crowd stopped. Others shook their heads at his actions and kept moving. Woolie stood in the doorway and kept yelling. "All other waifu's are trash! How can you possibly think otherwise? Chie is best waifu!"

Pat facepalmed. "We're fucking doomed." but Liam lit up. He stood and yelled back, "Miku bitch!" Woolie's face snapped over to him. He concealed a grin as he let the waifu wars begin. "The fuck did you say to me punk?"

"You heard me!" Liam said, and approached Woolie. By now the guards were watching. One of them spoke into their radio. Liam saw this and acted fast. He stomped on the ground as though he were an animal in a dance to assert domination. "Miku can sing AND she has an ass that won't quit!"

"Skinny little Miku ain't got nothin' on Chie! Chie is strong, she can kill you with motherfucking shoe!"

"Least I've seen Miku in real life!" this one elicited some 'ooh's' from the crowd. Including from Pat, who stood to move for the tunnel.

"You little-" but before Woolie could finish, one of the guards got in front of him and pushed him back. "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to back off."

"And who do you think is the best waifu huh?"

"Sir I-"

"Yeah come on!" Liam shouted, now really into it. "Miku or Chie?! Choose man!"

The guard looked exasperated. It had been a long day for him. His kids had woken him up early for a breakfast they had cobbled together out of fried eggs and not too well cooked bacon. His ex-wife had summoned him to court again for custody. On the ride to work that day, he had to pee really bad and barely held it long enough. A small stain could be seen on his pants if one looked close enough, and Johnson had received the promotion even though he had been there far longer than him. His lunch was cold, his throat was dry, and every night for the past six weeks he's held a gun to his throat and promised himself he would never ever pull the trigger. And now he had to be the referee in a fucking waifu war. "I don't care." He finally said.

"They're both wrong anyway!" A random voice from the crowd called out. "It's Bayo!"

"Fuck Bayo!" Woolie almost gagged on the accursed sentence, but he had to commit. Pat was edging closer to the tunnel. "Bayo is garbage compared to sassy ass Chie!"

"Miku!"

"Bayo!"

"Sir please." The other guard was now with Liam. She was also having a bad day, but preferred not to think about it in the line of duty. "No one is saying you're wrong."

"He is!"

"Callie!" Another voice. Joined by a smattering of other waifu defenses.

"It's fucking Marie!" Said a fourth voice. Liam noticed each voice was male and felt bad for his gender.

"Marie is garbage!" the Callie Defender cried and stepped out of the crowd. Though decidedly overweight, he was visibly strong. "That Splatfest was rigged!"

The Marie Defender stepped out, and was an even match. He gritted his teeth. "You're just salty."

The Callie Defender screamed and ran for the Marie Defender, who braced for impact. Soon their scuffle was accompanied by cries from all over the other metro until all that could be heard was the names of countless fictional women. As they fought, the guards ran and tried to oull them apart. One of them grabbed their radio. "We have a Code 114 at Mount Royal. Send backup! Repeat-" She was caught off when another pair of fighters fell out form the crowd, one strangling the other. Through gritted teeth, the strangled man wheezed, "S- Sailor M-Mercury!"

This soon became the seen all around the metro. Dozens of nerds piling over each other to prove who had the best waifu. One tried to tackle Liam, who threw him over his shoulder. "Len!"

"She's a fucking kid man!" Liam cried. He looked up to Woolie who was actually giving a beating to someone wearing a Rise shirt. Liam ran over to him, and swore he saw blood fly off the poor man's face.

"Fuck. You. Rise. Is. SHIT!"

"Woolie! Woolie! It's not worth it! Woolie!"

Woolie snapped out of it, but not before letting a look of joy slip form his face. "Sorry... I uh..."

"Don't worry about it. Look!" He jabbed a finger at the tunnel entrance where Pat was waving them in. With no guards watching, this was their chance. They ran over. Woolie ducked under a punch as Liam jumped over a the body of a man who was screaming "ONCE-LER" at the top of his lungs. Woolie and Liam steadily made their way past the bodies, the horrors of what would soon be called the Waifu Incursion, and slipped into the tunnel. The names of their waifu's followed them into the darkness and echoed throughout.

Woolie took a moment to reassemble his thoughts. The whole moment was a little surreal to him. Had he just particpated, nay, enacted ina fucking waifu war? Pat punched Woolie in the arm.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

"Chie is trash." Pat said, his little babby brow furrowed. Liam rolled his eyes.

"come on guys knock it off."

"But that was fucking insane!" Pat said. "Guess we got lucky that there was a crowd of weeaboo's in the Metro."

"It's 2016." Woolie said. "Everyone's a weeaboo."

"Yeah..." Liam said, the name of his fondest waifu playfully fell into his mind. His face fell. "It's pretty messed up though..."

"What do you mean?"

"That so many people would go crazy over a stupid fictional character. For Gods sake's we all have girlfriends, don't we?"

"Yeah but... it's just a fun dumb thing isn't it?" Woolie replied, but the reality was hitting him too. They both looked over at Pat who was clearly trying to come up with an explanation for the madness. After a moment, he looked back to them.

"Do... do we look like that?"

The trio looked ahead, each mind wrestling with that thought. For Liam, it wasn't just about the Waifu Incursion. If something they did could have so much impact that it could hurt people, was it worth doing? The expanse of darkness which lay before them was intimidating, and the chances of a train careening into them was extremely high. But if Matt was to be saved, this was the only way forward. Liam tightened his jacket around him and took a deep breath. This night was going to be the longest he had ever had.

Matt bent over and threw up over the cliffside. The smell of salt was making his entire nervous system flare up, and his stomach had finally caught up to him. But as he watched his vomit fall into the nothingness below, he was somewhat entranced by the fact he hadn't heard it hit any type of bottom. Sniffling, he stood up and wiped the remaining vomit off of his mouth. Now fully disgusted with himself, he sat back on the floor and sighed. "Alright nightmare! You win! Imma just wait here for it to end thank you very much. Nothing's gonna happen, no one's gonna try to kill me, I'm just here and that's that."

Matt mused, maybe since this was a dream he could conjure up some form of entertainment. He tried to imagine a strip club, or a video game to play, or a monkey throwing poop at another monkey. Just as it seemed like nothing was going to happen, he heard the pitter patter of some sort of machine in the distance. On the horizon, he caught a glint of the device. It looked like a yellow vespa, though it was in the air. It rushed for his direction, its pilot expertly maneuvering around the islands and random bits of rock. When it got closer, Matt noted that the pilot was female and wearing a tight corset with skulls on it. She also had a helmet to match. Matt smirked, it wasn't a monkey but it would do.

He stood up and dusted minute traces of viscera from his pants. She skidded to a halt in front of the cliff and jumped off. Her pointed boots stabbed the ground as she walked over. Saying no words, not even lifting her helmet, she approached Matt.

"Uh... hi." Matt uttered, and was interrupted by her leaning into him. She moved her head up and down, scanning him. He backed away, but squished into the wall of the cave he had just escaped. She stood on the tips of her boots, also pointed, and leaned over him. "Uh.. um... please don't kill me." Matt grinned. The woman raised her arm, which Matt noticed was gloved up to her elbow, and tapped the side of her helmet. This activated a slit which uncovered her eyes. "Who are you?"

"I'm uh... Matt.."

"Did you kill him?"

"Kill who?"

"The Johnsman! I saw him fall from the island! Did you kill him?"

"Uh... buh... w-well- I-"

The woman groaned and grabbed Matt by the shirt. She lifted him to her level. "If you didn't, I imagine you would be telling me who did right about now. Right?"

"I- I did! I- I mean I didn't! He fell! I just ran away!"

She dropped Matt, who fell to the grimy floor once more. He was really getting tired of doing that. He looked up and watched her pace over to the Vespa. She bent down and dug around in the back. Matt tried to be a gentleman and not look at her leather clad ass, but he felt his face getting a little hot. It got cold again when she flipped back to him carrying what looked like a large bazooka. He shrieked and tried to see if there was a way out, but as far as he could tell there was no way off of this island. She lifted it up to her shoulders and prepped it. Twisitng little knobs and pressing buttons. Just as Matt was sure he was going to wake up in a cold sweat, she pointed the bazooka up and shot into the air. Three, four, five shots of mortar that exploded into fireworks above them. Matt raised a brow and looked back down to the woman. The helmet was now completely removed revealing her ling brunette hair and freckled face. She grinned as she looked back down to Matt who was now standing and shaking with questions.

"Congratulations!" She said, her demeanor now a lot happier. She tossed the bazooka back into the Vespa without even looking and struck a weirdly cute pose. "You're the first and only John to successfully defeat the Johnsman and move into the ranks of the Scrublords!"

"The- wha-?"

"Oh wow!" She said and ran over to him. Her energy was so different than before. It was like Matt was talking to a completely different person. She gave him a big hug and looked him in the eyes. "You're a new one AND you beat the Johnsman! That's amazing! What did you say your name was again?"

"Uh... Matt?"

The woman squeeled, turned Matt around so they were facing the same direction and snapped a selfie. Though Matt only got a glance at it, it was the weirdest looking smartphone he had ever seen. She whipped around and tapped a few buttons on it. "There! To commemorate the first step of Matt the Scrublord into ascension! Wow! This is gonna be a great day! I can already tell!"

Matt was bewildered. She was moving so fast he could barely get a handle on the situation. He let his head catch up and finally formed a question. "When can I wake up?"

"Wake up?!" She beamed and stifled a laugh. "You're not asleep dummy."

"Yeah I am. Now come on, just like, push me over the edge or something and wake me up"

Before he could say anything else, she pulled him in and planted a kiss right on his lips. He immediately shoved her off and staggered backward. He stepped back to try and retain his balance, but touched nothing but air and continued to fall backward off the face of the cliff. He screamed, seeing the unending fall that lay before him. This was stopped when his leg was grabbed by the woman.

"You need to be more careful." She said and swung him around. "If that's how you react to a little kiss, the sting of death is going to hurt!"

"Stop and pull me back up please!"

With a haughty smirk, she pulled him back up and helped him to his feet.

"Who the hell are you?!" Matt cried, now fully aware that he wasn't dreaming. The Woman chuckled and leaned on her Vespa.

"My name's Connie. I'm one of the few Johns who managed to escape my punishment as well. Though I never expected to see the Johnsman defeated."

"Woah woah okay hang on a second." Matt said, rubbing his head in confusion. "All this is kind of flying over my head here. You're telling me that I almost fucking died for real?"

Connie teetered back on her feet. "Kinda yeah. Well, you're already dead."

"What?!" The sentence hit Matt like the announcement of a new David Cage game. He was dead? Everything he ever knew, all his friends, his family, his wife, gone? He looked around once more, now really taking it all in. "So... this is Hell?"

"No. These are the Scrublands. A playground of punishment designed for the saltiest of scrubs and Johns to be punished as the Scrublords see fit."

"I'm not supposed to be here." Matt said. "This is wrong. I don't know how but... I don't belong here."

"Well clearly you are, if you could beat the Johnsman! Do you realize that a Scrublord hasn't been killed in like 1000 years? That's some chosen one shit right there." She crossed her shoulders and huffed, like she had just bestowed some great truth to Matt. But Matt didn't really care. He needed to get back home. Somehow, he knew, there had to be a way.

"how did I even die? Last thing I remember I was... playing Omikron. Oh dammit! Are you serious?! Really?!" He stomped and moaned, the agonizing thought of actually being killed while playing a video game was too much for him. Much less a David Cage game.

"How do I get out of here?"

"Get out?"

"Oh come on there HAS to be a way out! Isn't there, like, a Hell path that leads back up or something? What else were all those country songs singing about?"

"No John has ever escaped the Scrublands silly."

"Can you stop calling me that?!"

"Sorry. That's what you are. A John. Is all in the hierarchy you see. There's Johns, Scrubs, and Scrublords."

"You're kidding me. A whole fucking hierarchy based on the FGC?"

"Yeah! You're probably here because of some terrible sin committed in the name of the FGC." Matt shrugged his shoulders. The fighting segments in Omikron would certainly do it then. He calmed down a moment.

"Wow. You really don't want to be here huh?"

"Fucking duh! I'm not supposed to be here! If anything Pat is! He played the game more than I did! Plus he'd probably be right at home in all this filth." He shook his head, now was not the time to be making fun of Pat, as much as he wanted to. Now was the time to escape.

"Well... you knoooow, if you REALLY want to escape, there IS a way."

"Yeah? What is it?"

Connie beamed and began rummaging through the bag on the back of her Vespa. When she came back up, she spread out a map on the ground and pulled Matt down to it. It seemed to be a map of the Scrublands. Though it wasn't very detailed, each island was marked and named in very well practised handwriting. A far sight better than, say, if someone had drawn it in crayon. Matt didn't know why he thought that but disregarded it and focused on the map.

"So that thing you killed." Connie began. "As I already told you, it was a Scrublord. The Johnsman of the assfields."

"These names are gross."

"Welcome to the Scrublands. Anyway, there are 6 Scrublords. Each one has dominion over their own section of the lands and thereby divvy out their own punishments for the sins of the FGC. If you can manage to go and kill each one, you might be able to attain their powers and escape."

"How come you haven't done this already?" Matt looked her up and down. Despite the admittedly scanty clothing, she clearly had an arsenal of weapons in that Vespa and seemed pretty battle ready.

"I've been planning it, yeah, but I can't very well go and do it."

"Why not?"

"I've been here too long. I admit I've grown used to the scenery and sights of the Scrublands, I wouldn't want to leave. But you can leave. You still have a chance! And hey, you killed one! That's a lot farther than I've ever gotten."

Matt furrowed his brow. In all honesty, he was pretty skeptical that this would even work. But it was his only chance. A small one, but a chance nonetheless. And hey, he was apparently already dead. What could he have to lose? He stood back up and looked to the horizon, the sound of screams and tortorous whips and machines echoed into his ears. He took a deep breath and coughed all the salt out. "Alright." He said. "Then what are we waiting for?"

Connie squeeled and jumped to the Vespa. She scooted up as much as she could and pat the space behind her. "Come on! Let's go!" Matt gulped and sat there, it really was a tight squeeze. He tried his best not to make her uncomfortable with how close he was, but really he was the most uncomfortable person there. She giggled and grabbed his arms, wrapping them around her waist. "You're gonna fall into the Abyss if you don't hold on silly."

"Uh... heh yeah. Hey uh, if you feel anything weird back here..."

"Oh come on.. We're in the Scrublands!" Her helmet wrapped itself back around her head, and her voice became low and seductive. "Thuggery is encouraged."

With that, she revved the engine and careened out onto the open air. Matt could swear he saw speed lines zip past them as they zoomed away. It was then Matt realized the fatal flaw in their entire plan. He sighed. "Oh man... I don't have my gwasses."