After licking her wounds, Hedwig returned with a letter, a badge and a box of pineapples. Harry began reading-

Dear my favorite pupil (including Granger and that hot girl Chang)

Though I disagree with your perspective on my personal hygiene, I am glad that you told me of your dreams, and want to learn more. As Albert Einstein said," it's the details that count when describing your sexual encounters."

In addition, I must inform you that you are getting these dreams because you are the new Zombie lieutenant of the united kingdom. Your badge which I have enclosed in this letter shall let everyone know that you are the zombie lord. Your title will now be "lord lieutenant sheriff zombie human". But not to worry; I will always still refer to you as my dear little friend.

And yes, the Gringotts goblins can help. Bring them these pineapples laced with substances. Trust me, they will work- I have tried them before- the goblins know what they are.

I return your hugs and kisses from my mouth to yours and hope that you will finally realize your true potential as you embark on your quest to discover your true zombie inheritance and sexual identity/preference.

Love,

your very own Dumbly-Door.

P.S. Spanish is one of the many languages I am fluent in, and I would more than love to give you personal and very private instruction on many things including spanish. please letter me back as soon as possible; just imagining your voice brings smiles to my face.

Harry put the letter down and tried on the badge; he smiled in the mirror, noticing how it emphasized his bust. Maybe being zombie lieutenant would be good. After all, if Malfoy did anything like breathing he would have the whole zombie army to answer to. The only question now was how he would find his zombie army. If he had one at all. Or it was just another one of Dumbledore's schemes to control the world?

...

"Uncle Vernon!"

"What is it, girl?"

"I'm going out!"

"Whatever, chit."

Harry took his trunk and ran out, never to return. Hedwig limped behind him, blood spraying out from the injury that Harry didn't want to bind.

Harry stood outside, he reached out and the Knight Bus appeared in front of him unfortunately running over Hedwig in the process.

"Hedwig?" Harry called, "Uh, the stupid bird is always disappearing. Honestly Hedwig! You're really more work than it's worth. Why do I even bother!" Harry boarded the night bus tripping on the smushed but still alive Hedwig.

"Welcome aboard," came the raspy voice of Stan Shunpike. "Oh, sorry no pets allowed," He said as he spotted Hedwig limping towards the bus.

"Well, what if I strap her to the roof? Would that be okay?" asked Harry.

"Hmm, yeah sure why not, you can use these bungee straps." The driver held out a pair of orange and green bungee straps.

"Hey, thanks," came the British accented voice of Harry. Harry grabbed the straps and Hedwig as he climbed to the roof of the bus. Harry began strapping the bungee straps onto Hedwig.

"Uh, why are you so fat, Hedwig?" said Harry. Harry tugged the straps as hard as he could until Hedwig was tied tightly onto the bus almost too the point that she was not able to breath, but as least she was secure. Harry boarded the bus again, as he found a seat next to an old sleeping woman.

Harry decided that, in order to let go of his inner anger, he had to take it out on someone. The old woman next to him looked like a good target.

"HELLO, OLD COOT!"

The woman woke with a start.

"Yes little boy," she said in a creepy voice. Just then Harry noticed that she looked similar to many goblins he had seen.

Harry voiced his thoughts. "Are you a goblin?"

"Yes."

"But I thought there weren't any female goblins and you all reproduced asexually!"

"Oh, no, that's where we fool you. You see, all goblins are hermaphrodites! It's one of the cooler quirks of our species. I just choose to look more feminine. Most goblins choose to look masculine because of all the sexism in the wizarding world- they're terrified of being married off!"

Harry nodded seriously and respectfully. "Makes sense."

Stan called out "The Leaky Cauldron!"

Harry stood up. "Well, goodbye ma'am, er, sir, oh, fudge it, bye!"

Harry got off and hurried to Gringotts, eager to hear what the other goblins would say on his inheritance of a sexual zombie army. He must remember to give them the pineapples.

Hedwig followed with much difficulty, licking her multiple wounds.