The Time They Thought He Was Scared When He Cried

It's time. I've waited for so long. Let me go.

He realized he'd been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

Be happy. I love you. Always.

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again...

He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death.

The attack was over in seconds.

But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final.

The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always.

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

(Earlier that day)

From the look on Arthur's face, Lancelot could gather the young monarch had hoped he'd go his whole life without ever facing another Bastet. But the King only frowned and straightened. In his short rein as king, he'd realized very quickly that the rulers of the land rarely got what they wanted. The duties of a king.

"And your sure?"Arthur asked, his tone resigned. He already knew Leon wouldn't have come to him if he hadn't.

Leon nodded gravely from where he sat beside Lancelot. The action echoed on every knight's face across the circular sphere, equally serious expressions on their faces. Even Gwaine on Lancelot's right had straightened in his seat, pulling his feet off the table and staring seriously at Leon.

"Yes. The marks are the same as when the last beast entered Camelot. Except possibly bigger."

Arthur nodded briskly, his eyes clear with clarity as his training wiped his mind of everything but the problem at hand.

"Right. Well, it doesn't matter how big it is so long as it's heart's still unprotected."Arthur began grimly before turning to his dark skinned knight to his left.

"Elyan, I need you to send the crown's condolences and money to cover the burials and the first month of living expenses to the families." Elyan nodded, his determined gaze was soften by the compassion in his eyes, confirming Lancelot's suspicions Arthur had chosen the best man for the job.

"Leon, round up the knights and the off-shift guards, I need everybody on hand, then set up a watch around Camelot's periminiter. Lancelot straightened in his seat. Ready.

"This beast won't hurt any more of my people. Percival, I want you with him."

The giant and the head knight nodded stoickilly.

"Of course, Sire."Leon promised.

Percival, ever a man of many words, nodded once more.

"Gwaine, Lancelot,"They both straightened expectantly. Gwaine with his jaw setting and his hand already creeping for his sword. Lancelot nodded, sending away his resignation and focusing his concentration entirely on his King.

"You two are with me." They nodded in unison. Pride warming Lancelot's heart. It had taken Arthur so long to learn to trust anyone but Merlin after his sister's betrayal, to be entrusted to guard the King's back was an honor not given lightly.

"Merlin, make the preperations and ready-" but Arthur stopped as he heard his wife speaking at the same time, her voice soft and concerned.

"Merlin, are you alright?"

Lancelot broke his attention from Arthur, tearing away to the man standing behind him, sensing the rustling in the room as the other's did the same.

Merlin stood behind Arthur, pale as a corpse, trembling like a leaf and clutching the silver water jug like it could save him from drowning. His cerulian eyes buldged, wild, and yet, somehow, strangely lost.

"Mate, you good over there?" Gwaine asked, his gentle tone carried across the hushed room.

But Merlin didn't answer. Didn't move. Didn't blink.

Something undefinable twisted in Lancelot's stomach, leaving him faintly sick . Something was wrong. Merlin was- Lancelot frowned.

Everything- the way his servant trembled, the wild wetness in his eyes as they stared unseeingly across the room, the soft desperate gasps as he tried to breath- screamed that something was wrong. Something undefinable, something he felt in his bones he should know. But he didn't.

The familiarity of the situation struck him and Lancelot studied Merlin with new eyes, comparing him to that night all those weeks ago.

Was he asleep?

Had he somehow drifted off? Was he Night Living? His mind wanted to believe it. That was it. Nothing was wrong. His poor friend was just asleep.

But something in his heart turned the idea away. Yes, there were similarities, but Merlin was acting different than when he was asleep. When he was asleep he always had something he was trying to do, some sort of purpose.

But the Merlin now had no purpose.

No, Lancelot realized as he scanned Merlin again, the boy's lost expression popping out at him like blood on snow.

Like someone's taken it.

Lancelot glanced around at the knights, as if they might understand what he was missing, but their faces only mirrored his thoughts.

"Merlin-" Arthur started, and Lancelot's eyes snapped back to the king who continued to stare at Arthur, his brows bent worriedly over confused, clouded eyes. But the Queen was already out of her seat, her purple skirts rustling as she rushed to Merlin's side.

"Merlin," she said, her voice soft and low, but the concern in it emanated from her like a battle cry.

"Are you alright?"gently, gingerly, her hands reached for him, one steadying the pitcher, the other lightly landing on his shoulder.

Merlin jerked, staggering back, clenching the jug even tighter as it's contents sloshed all across his front, his eyes snapping wide like a startled doe, wild with…. with something!

Lancelot momentairly mentally growled at his inability to define what it was. It was like he was making a puzzle, and he knew what the picture was supposed to look like, but he was missing the one peice that made it blatantly obvious. How could he help Merlin if he couldn't even figure out what was wrong with him?!

Gwen's soothing tones pulled him back to the present.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to frighten you,"she murmured softly, stepping back and raising her hands in surrender, but the combination of worry and love on her face made it seem maternal instead.

Merlin shied away from the movement, seeming to curve in on himself, whatever terrible emotion locked in his eyes seemed to jump and scream at the action. Gwen hurridly lowered her hands, stepping back further, as if a wider gulf would sooth him.

"I was only trying to see if you were alright."

Merlin frowned a moment, his breath still comming in ragged gasps. Then, a moment later, his eyes widened with recognition. A moment after that his features rearranged, like a quilt that had been patched too many times, hapazardly. Broken. Thin. His lips twisted up in a smile, but it was a ghost, haunted by the undefinable something in his eyes.

"No, no- that's fine- sorry, I didn't…" Merlin said, his voice pinched, his gaze not on her, but glazed and staring at the door, his breaths ragged, his mind somewhere far away.

Worry twisted- gnawed inside Lancelot. His heart screamed against the servant's words. This was wrong. Something was wrong!

"Merlin-" Lancelot started, his voice ringing with the echoes of several others in the room. Arthur pushed back his chair and rose- desperation burning in his eyes. Lancelot felt the same desperation twisting inside him. He wanted to sweep over to the poor man and enfold him into his protection- grab a hold of the situation, find what was wrong and help- fix it.

Merlin's eyes darted to the king as he moved, dawning with recognition. They flickered with something darker, but before Lancelot could define it, it was gone.

"Merlin, we're only trying-" Arthur started once more but Merlin tore his gaze from Arthur's. His eyes flitting about everywhere but Arthur.

"Sorry, Gwen- I didn't mean, I'm just… I'll go- the horses…"Drunkenly, Merlin spun around and hobbled to the door.

"Merlin, wait-" Arthur started for the door, but the servant was gone.

"Maiden's Legs!"Arthur exploded.

When a quarter hour later Lancelot, Gwaine, and Arthur walked into the courtyard to find no horses but a Merlin who seemed present and aware, if somewhat distracted, they didn't say a word. They simply prepared their horses beside him, dissmissing his apologies, with Lancelot casually inspecting Merlin's saddle for weak points before swinging into his own. They set off, the horseshoes ringing on the cobblestones until they passed Camelot's gate. Then Merlin kicked his horse gently, pulling away from Arthur's side and taking the lead. The three knights frowned after him, worry curled inside Lancelot, but before he could hurry after the servant, Gwaine kneed his own horse and sped off after him.

After a moment, his eyes still trained on Gwaine and Merlin ahead, Lancelot fell back into Merlin's abandoned spot. Ready for the worried conversation that was obviously coming.

Up ahead, Gwaine was angled towards Merlin, trying to engage him in conversation, his posture nonchalant, but Lancelot could see the cloud of concern in his eyes. Arthur broke his gaze away from them, turning to Lancelot and he looked away from his friends ahead and turned to his King, ready. Trying to calm the anxious energy buzzing around him. It wouldn't do Merlin any good.

"Lancelot, did anything strange happen last night? Who was on watch?"Arthur's voice was thinly masked desperation, clearly hoping Lancelot would have some answer that would suddenly make everything clear and illuminate what Merlin needed. But Lancelot shook his head, tasting the same bitter disapointment that echoed in the King's gaze.

"It was Elyan, but when he briefed me for tonight he said it was a peaceful night. All he wanted to do was look at the stars and Elyan got him back to bed in less than a quarter hour."Arthur frowned, glancing up at Merlin. Lancelot followed suit and felt a frown twisting his lips as well as he saw the raven head swiviling around, his eyes tight and roving, his face pinched as he tried to represss that something Lancelot would move worlds to understand.

Lancelot's heart burned within it's cage. His instincts all screamed something was very wrong with his friend- but, for the life of him- he didn't understand what! Why was Merlin such a blasted enigma?! And why did he insist on internalizing everything? When something was wrong with one of his comrades, he could always tell when they started bullying training posts and glowering at the world- but Merlin did nothing! He kept smiling his caring grin and tripping over his feet- completely identical to how he behaved when he was happy! Until something like this happened and he broke and they didn't know how to fix it because he wouldn't tell them what was wrong or when it had started heading that way! Lancelot stared hopelessly ahead until he heard Arthur growl beside him.

"Stupid sparking manservant."

Lancelot tore away from Merlin and looked up at his king, who glowered straight ahead, perhaps at his servant, but his eyes were so lost Lancelot couldn't tell.

Lancelot understood the frustration behind the words

If they didn't understand- how could they help?

Worry later- pull yourself together and use your brain! He was fine last night, so whatever went wrong must've happened today.

"When did you notice something was wrong with him?" Lancelot asked, Arthur turned to him, the clouded confusion in his eyes disappearing. A focal point he could close in on and block everything else out. He responded without hesitation.

"During Leon's report."

Well, that at least meant Lancelot hadn't been oblivious to Merlin's pain. But the image of his friend's unexplainable, undefinable emotion popped into his head and he flinched. That wasn't good enough.

"Me too. Before or after Gwen-?" Arthur frowned, being less ready with this question.

"At the same time, I believe. I was just registering something was wrong when she said so-"

"Merlin? Merlin!"Gwaine screamed. Lancelot's heart stopped and he and Arthur spun around to see Gwaine twisting in every direction, wild panic in his eyes as he searched desprately. The horse beside him vacant except for the faintest whisp of gold mist.

Oh. Magic.

Why hadn't he thought of that before?!

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Really?! Than how do you explain it? He just poofed away and you didn't notice anything?!"

Magic. There's something wrong with his magic.

"Yes! One minute he was there and then the next he was gone!"

"The sorcery happened right in front of you! You had to notice something!"

And that's why he's scared of Arthur, because he can't control it.

"There was nothing to notice! You think I wasn't paying attention to my best friend after everything that's happened today?!"

"You didn't notice something was wrong with him earlier!"

And now he's unable to defend himself with the Bastet- that's it!

"Neither did you!"

"Are you saying I don't pay attention to my own servant-"

Of course! This is the Bastet's fault! We defeat it, we save Merlin.

"Are you-" Gwaine began again, his voice seething, his volume bellowing across the forest, sending birds squawking and flapping away.

"Gwaine! How can I listen for the Bastet or Merlin if you keep screaming?!"

"He thinks I wasn't paying attention-"

"And if you don't start now, Hunith could be the next to receive the crown's condolances!"Lancelot yelled, finally loosing hold of the tight ball of anxiety he'd been containing. The effect on the others was immediate. Gwaine looked like he'd been slapped, the anger searing in his eyes morphing to a burning guilt. Arthur reeled back, washing as white as a ghost, his mouth falling open in horror, eyes sparkling with grief.

The knot loosed inside him, Lancelot growled softly under his breath, stealing two quick breaths from the cold air around. Calm. He needed to be calm. He needed to be calm and he needed his head in the moment.

Because Merlin was out there, alone and scared, with a wild monster that hurt magic on the loose.

And Merlin needed him.

In. Out. Calm.

The wild racing of his pulse soothed slightly.

In. Out.

"Arthur, I'm so-" Gwaine started, turning ashamed to their King. But Arthur shook his head fervantly.

"It's forgotten. And it is I who should be apologizing to you, Sir Gwaine. I know you did your best-"

"- please! " The scream rang through the trees, crashing into them and pulsing through their heads

piercing their hearts, stabbing their souls.

The scream abruptly cut off.

A pause, an instant, breath held as they waited.

Then it was over.

" Merlin! "

They charged forward blindly, chasing after their brother's screams, swords drawn, blood pulsing, hearts tearing, praying.

Lancelot pulled ahead stopping abruptly as he crossed into a clearing. Red clashed with black in the sky, contrasting the scene in front of him.

Merlin stood, pale and illuminated in the fading light, a sword in his hands, the edge embedded into the chest of a black cat with wings towering above him. Merlin's eyes were locked with the beasts, his chest heaving, his body trembling, his eyes overflowing with tears, burning with the something - the fear, Lancelot now knew.

Then, like he was the one impaled, Merlin let out an animalistic, anguished sob. He wrenched the sword back, silver and scarlet glittering through the air as he threw it away from him violently, still trembling- barely holding himself together. For a weighted moment, the cat remained standing, then it simply fell to the forest floor.

Merlin stood above it for a moment. Shaking like a leaf, terror burning in his eyes behind the armies of tears coursing down his cheeks. Looking down at it.

Then he crumpled.

Crashed to ground, curling in on himself, hands going to his mouth like it could block the sobs shuddering through him, a terrible, inhuman cry escaping him.

Lancelot stood frozen locked in place by some unseen power. Unable to tear away. His blood ice, his heart still, his breath trapped.

Then the moment broke.

"Merlin-" he gasped, tossing his sword behind him and sprinting across the moss, falling at his friend's side.

"Merlin-" he reached out for the boy, and Merlin collapsed against him, sobbing heart-wrenching sobs.

" ...'m sorry… ' so sorry… 'm sorry…" Merlin whimpered. Inconsolable.

Lancelot understood. Poor, innocent Merlin who hated killing animals had been forced to slaughter one for his people, magic, and safety. Now the fear was overwhelming him.

Lancelot held him, enfolding him, protecting him. Merlin cried.

And cried.

And, after over an hour, cried himself to sleep.

Gwaine and Arthur gathered the supplies, cleaned the swords, readied the horses and the three knights took their friend home.

(now)

It's time. I've waited for so long. Let me go.

He realized he'd been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

Be happy. I love you. Always.

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again...

He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death.

The attack was over in seconds.

But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final.

The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always.

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

Desperately, he forages under his pillow, grabbing his journal, his other hand shooting out and snatching the ink and quill. Frantically, his tears making it impossible to see, his hands shaking so hard he splashed the ink all across himself, he attacks the first page he sees.

Freya,

I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I tried so hard but I failed. I'm a monster and I'm so sorry. I say I love you and then I go and I slaughter another of your kind. I'm no better than Arthur- no. I'm worse. Infinitely worse. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway and I'm so sorry. The knights tell me I'm brave, they said it's okay to be scared, that I did amazing. I wish I could burn their words from my mind. They think I'm scared. All I could see as I stabbed him were your beautiful eyes blinking back at me. So scared…. I'm so sorry. There's no forgiveness.

He wasn't like you- I went inside his head to try and reason with him, he'd done it to himself- he did it to kill Arthur and I couldn't I'm so sorry. So many innocents- all for one man. It is my destiny to protect Arthur. I never realized I'd lose myself. I'm so sorry, My Love.

I'm sorry I couldn't find another way.

I'm sorry I killed him.

I'm sorry I let him kill you.

And what hurts, what burns so much hotter than the guilt, bleeds deeper than the grief- what hurts so bad is knowing you forgive me. You don't see there's anything forgive. My hands are stained bright red and you'll see only snow. You'll hold them. You'll say I did what I had to do. That it was noble. That it was good. That your proud.

And it hurts that you love a monster. You can't even see what I am, your so blinded.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry that I love you too.

That this monster is so broken and stupid and selfish that I can't won't pull away.

I'm sorry because as much as my soul screams for peace, as much as my heart is sobbing- bleeding to be with yours, I can't leave.

As much as I want to die, I have to stay.

I'm sorry because I have to choose my destiny so one day no thing will ever be slaughtered in ignorance again. So our people can be safe.

What happened to you will never happen again, I promise.

I'm a selfish, terrible monster.

There is so much blood on my hands.

So many wrong choices.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, and I'm so sorry for that too.

But I do. I have, I will.

Always.