This fic seems a little like car crash TV. I can see it going into absolute mayhem and chaos but can't stop writing it. I do hope people are enjoying this rather different direction of Harry and Ruth. Trying to keep this from turning into an M rated fic too.
Ruth unlocked her front door with a feeling of gnawing guilt in her stomach. She always felt that gnawing guilt after her trysts with Harry but it wasn't enough to make her stop. "I'm home," she called. She walked into the kitchen and saw Simon sitting by their kitchen table, cradling a glass of wine.
"You're late," he said quietly.
"I know, I'm sorry," she said. "There were things I needed to finish before tomorrow. I should have called."
"Ruth, why won't you talk to me anymore? I know you're a private person but recently you've been becoming so distant."
"Do we have to do this now?" Ruth asked, feeling both emotionally and physically drained.
"Well, then tell me when?" Simon asked. "You've been like this for months."
"I'm just stressed at work that's all. The weekend," Ruth replied. "We'll have a proper discussion about it all at the weekend, I promise."
"Okay," Simon agreed easily. She loved that about her husband, that he didn't push her until she was ready, no matter how serious things may be. "I'm going to bed, are you coming?"
"Give me half an hour," Ruth said with a smile. "I want a shower, but then I'll join you."
"Okay." Simon stood up and kissed her briefly. Ruth smiled slightly as they both went upstairs. Once she was alone in the bathroom she quickly stripped and started washing herself in the shower, feeling awful. She loved Simon, she did. But the way Harry looked at her, the way he made her feel was surreal. She always felt guilty afterwards, but at the time she just seemed incapable of stopping it. Harry made her feel more alive than she thought was possible.
Ruth turned the hot water off and listened to the silence in the room. She guessed her husband was reading, because he didn't sleep when she wasn't there. Wrapping her dressing gown around her damp body she got into bed next to her husband who quickly turned the lights off. "Goodnight."
"Night," she replied as she felt Simon squeeze her thigh. Her first thought was it didn't feel the same as when Harry touched her. Then she pushed that out if her mind and closed her eyes.
Harry closed his front door behind him, setting the security alarm as he walked into the kitchen. Jane was banging thing louder than strictly necessary. "Dinners ruined," she said.
"You're too late."
"I'm sorry, I should have called."
"You never have before, why change now?" Jane said snidely. Harry wrapped his arms around her waist and waited until he felt her relax against him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her neck. "I should have called."
"Harry, you always call when you actually are working late," Jane said, pushing his hands away from her and turning to face him. "Its when you're with another woman that you don't bother. Who is it this time?"
"Jane, calm down," Harry said.
"I can tell," Jane said. "You get that look in your eyes, halfway distant and longing, and halfway wishing I was someone else."
"There's no one else," he lied, reassuring her.
"Good, because I don't think I could take it," Jane said, trying not to cry. "I stayed with you when you cheated on me, because we had kids, and I didn't want to raise them alone. You promised me that American witch would be the last one eight years ago. And I've never suspected since then but you're falling back into the same behaviour. Our children have grown up and left, if you're cheating on me…"
"I'm not," he lied. "I had a very long conversation with Towers. He didn't want to give in."
"Okay," Jane said quietly, not entirely sure she believed her husband. "I'm going to bed, help yourself to food."
"Okay, I'll be up soon." Harry felt guilty for lying to her. Not so much for the continuing affair, because he loved the way Ruth was with him. She was so different to any woman he'd ever known. He opened the fridge and helped himself to some readymade sandwiches while thinking about the first time he'd met Ruth. It had been a year ago, maybe a little more when he started looking for a new analyst. Her interview had gone really smoothly and academically she was clearly the right person for the job. Privately he did admit that he was very attracted to her, but he had never planned to conduct an affair with her. One thing he'd learnt in the last twenty years was that illicit affairs at work never went well. They'd been professional, maybe even friendly but nothing more.
Until the American Embassy threw a very posh joint intelligence ball. Ruth's husband had refused to attend, not approving of his wife's career or long hours. Jane had been intending to accompany him but Catherine had come home in floods of tears from her latest break up and Jane hadn't wanted to leave her but understood that Harry had to go. So they had both arrived at Grosvenor Square without their respective partners. Harry will never forget how she looked when she'd arrived that night. A black flowing beautiful dress that skimmed over her body wonderfully. The top half was more revealing than anything she'd ever worn to work and his guesses about her figure had been accurate. In fact his fantasies might have been slightly poorer than the reality. Then she smiled at him, that half shy half confident little Ruth like smile. That was the first time he'd been thoroughly convinced she was attracted to him. He'd thought in the past it was possible but that little smile convinced him. "Oh God," he said to himself as the memories faded away slightly. He was in a hell of a situation now and he had no idea how to get out of it.
Ruth woke up at five a.m. with her husbands arm thrown across her stomach. She didn't realise that her thoughts now were mirroring Harry's of the night before. She hadn't planned to have an affair but at the point of the American Embassy party it had been so long since she'd slept with her husband, and Harry had so clearly wanted and desired her. The look on his face everyday at work told her that but especially how his eyes had trailed over her figure in that dress. And how handsome he looked in that freshly pressed crisp white shirt, his eyes burning over her. That night there had been less than innocent flirtation going on between them for a time, accompanied by smiles and alcohol. Eventually they had left the ballroom and he had taken her hard and fast against a wall in a tiny alcove. It wasn't making love or even sex really. It had just been a quick fuck and she knew that he could tell it had been a long, long time since she'd been with a man.
When she got home that night she felt like the guilt would drown her. She had vowed that she would never do it again because of how disgusted she felt with herself. It had taken a month before she'd gone back on that promise to herself. And it had been even better than the first time. Mind numbingly, screamingly good. Better than anyone she'd ever slept with before, as opposed to the first time with Harry which had been simple desperation. And she hadn't stopped sleeping with him either. She had learned to deal with the guilt but there were times when she couldn't believe this is what she had sunk down to. She often asked herself to try and remember how happy she'd been on her wedding day, but somehow she couldn't do it. That happiness from five years ago seemed impossible to recall let alone achieve.
She knew that if Simon found out how deeply she'd betrayed him it would all be over. He'd leave her because he would never trust her again and she couldn't say she blamed him. She didn't deserve his trust. She didn't deserve anyone's trust really did she? Ruth gently moved his arm from her stomach and got up to look in the bathroom mirror. Her hair had still been damp when she fell asleep last night so she put all her concentration into brushing the knots and tangles out of it.
