The fourth homework was due the next day, so Tegan met with the professor to collect it and discuss how to grade certain parts. After their meeting, she took the papers back to her office to start going through them. By now, she knew the names of a few students that had a good handle on the material, so she always graded those first. It was an easy way for her to get focused on the task. As she shuffled through the papers to find those names, she stopped on one with now familiar handwriting.
Sara Clement. Her name was scrawled in the top right corner of the paper. Not even acknowledging the existence of better judgment, she pulled the paper out of the stack and immediately looked it over. She could tell that much of the work had been erased and rewritten at least once. Scanning the first problem, she noted that the rewritten work was related to what they had covered the day before. Sara must have gone straight home and redone this assignment after already spending three and a half hours working with her yesterday. She's really dedicated to getting this. Tegan knew that this kind of dedication showed promise in regard to Sara's grade, but she couldn't deny the flutters in her gut from knowing this new bit of her personality.
The first semester of calculus was a prerequisite for many courses in many departments, and it was included in one of the options to fulfill the 'science sequence' for a Bachelor of Science for any major, so there was no way to tell the major of any student in the class without asking or seeing the official roster. If Sara was a math major, then this showed that she could definitely handle the amount of work. If she wasn't, and this was the amount of energy she spent on something other than her major, then Tegan could only imagine the passion, love, and time she spent on her true interests.
Hey brain. Let's not. Sara's paper got set to the side in favor of grading the others to get her mind off of the path it seemed to be unable to stay away from. After getting through the quicker papers and about half of the rest, Tegan gave in to her curiosity and reached for Sara's paper. The corrections showed that she had a handle on the topics they had discussed, but she lost many of the points for the topics covered between the third and fourth assignments. Her grade was significantly better on this homework than the first three, but she would need more time to catch up on the new material.
Guilt piled in Tegan's stomach again for being happy that Sara still needed help. But I'm not happy about that, she reasoned with herself. I'm happy that I get to see her ag- NOPE. Quickly marking the grade at the top of the paper, Tegan decided to take a break and get some food. She needed to get away from these thoughts before they went to a place that they really shouldn't. There were only two ways her feelings tugged: alleviate her guilt with the truth, or feel guilty to avoid letting her emotions go somewhere that could get her fired.
As her mind mulled over her predicament as best as it could without actually admitting anything to herself, her feet took her to a nearby burger joint for their Wednesday student discount. The owners were immigrants, and they put a Mediterranean spin on all of the food. Being a small business, it was a bit pricey for most students to eat there every day, so Tegan ate there once every week along with many other students taking advantage of the discount day. The line was long, as it usually was on Wednesdays, so she took her spot and waited. After getting her food, she found a small table in the corner to eat and avoid her office that still held Sara's homework.
Tegan spaced out while eating, taking her time and elongating her break, when she noticed a familiar set of curls in the line. The girl was talking to a friend, and her back was to Tegan, but she knew it was Sara. She shrunk into her seat, willing it open up and swallow her. She watched as Sara's head turned forward to read the menu board. A smudge of something blue graced Sara's jawline. What is that? Sara's head started to turn in her direction, so Tegan swiftly tilted hers down and became extremely interested in her fries.
After deciding what she wanted, Sara looked around to see if any tables were open, but her eyes paused the moment she saw Tegan. She let her attention linger on her. Why was she here alone? Did she come here often and Sara had just never noticed before? Is she alone because she's single? That does not matter to me, Sara lied to herself. She was shaken from her thoughts by her friend; it was her turn to order.
Tegan chanced a glance back over at Sara. She wasn't looking in her direction anymore, so Tegan took the opportunity to dispose of her food. There wasn't much left of her meal or her appetite anymore. Stopping at the door, she darted her eyes back at Sara. She turned again to where Tegan had been sitting, and her shoulders seemed to slump slightly at the sight of the empty table. Deciding that the rest of the homework could be graded tomorrow, Tegan headed straight to her apartment where she spent the rest of the evening trying to concentrate on anything other than why Sara would be disappointed that she had left.
Yesterday, Tegan had finished the grading and returned the homework to the professor. Now she was walking to her office for her office hours with one thought on her mind – TGIF. She liked having her office hours in the afternoon with morning classes. If someone came in, then she got to do what she loved: teach. If no one came in, then she got a couple hours to work on homework. Either way, the rest of her day would be relaxed and enjoyable. Today, a new student came in for help, and she got to teach.
Sara walked down the same hall she had two days prior. She had done a pretty good job of convincing herself that her sole purpose here was to work on understanding the subject and definitely not to get to know Tegan more. She turned to enter the office, but as soon as she saw another student with Tegan, she turned away and flattened her back to the wall next to the door.
Tegan saw movement out of the corner of her eye and looked at the doorway. "You work on that problem. I'll be right back," she instructed the student. She walked over to the door and looked down the hall. No one to the left. She looked to the right and found Sara with wide eyes and rosy cheeks. Tegan's eyebrows raised. "Hey. You okay?"
"Um. Yeah. Sorry. I, uh, I didn't realize you were with someone. I can come back Monday. Yeah. Monday. I'll go," Sara spoke without blinking or breathing.
"No. Come on in. Just grab a chair at another desk. He'll be done shortly, and we can go over whatever you need." Tegan waved her into the room, trying to mask her confusion over Sara's behavior.
"Are...are you sure?"
"Totally." Tegan waited for her to enter before heading back to the other student, and she sat down at her desk only after Sara settled into the one next to hers. Her eyes continued to ensure that Sara hadn't left while she finished with him. It only took about fifteen minutes, and the student gathered his things and left.
"So, Sara. I suspect you're here about homework four?" Tegan broke the silence after a few moments.
"Yeah. Homework four. That's why I'm here." It has nothing to do with the way I feel around you, Sara concluded to herself. She was set on keeping everyone at arm's-length until she figured herself out more, but the way Tegan said her name was starting to put tiny cracks in her resolve.
Sara had dated a couple boys in high school, but it was short both times. Kissing them didn't arise any emotions within her, so she had no reason to hang onto them. She tried to date another guy in her first year of college. She waited and made sure that he made her feel something before even agreeing to a date. He was funny, kind, smart, and she admired his compassionate view of the world. Convinced that this time would be different, they shared a nice dinner, but when he kissed her at the end of the night, she felt nothingness in her heart and body.
Girls always made her nervous. Well, some girls. Really nice girls, really pretty girls. She just thought that she wanted their friendship. She wanted to emulate them to better herself. She wanted to be like them. It wasn't until she was 18 that she realized that maybe, just maybe, she wanted to be in 'like' with them.
She had allowed her thoughts to explore this new idea, even though it wasn't actually new. She was raised in a very open-minded household. She knew her parents would love her and accept her no matter who she brought home for the holidays, even if they needed a bit to adjust to the idea. She was never religious, so that didn't hinder her emotions. But she had never really known anyone who was anything but straight, so she had no clue how to navigate her own thoughts and feelings. She had no one else's anecdotes to compare to, no other "finding myself" stories to relate to.
So Sara made the decision to avoid dating until she figured out what she wanted. Stories online were helpful, but not too helpful. She related to stories of women discovering their love for other women just as much as she related to stories of people discovering their asexuality. Others wrote about being "demisexual", only feeling sexual attraction after romantic attraction, and these weren't far from her experiences, either. She didn't feel like these stories were getting her very far with her own journey, but she had come to the conclusion that she was definitely not fully heteronormative.
"Did you bring the homework?" Tegan snapped Sara out of her thoughts. They worked through the points Sara had missed, but it was quicker than the previous meeting. Sara picked up the material faster, and there wasn't as much to go over. Before she could leave, Tegan stopped her.
"Hey, just so you know, my office hours are for all students in the class. If there's ever anyone in here, just grab a seat. I'll see you." Tegan took a breath before continuing. "And if you don't feel comfortable with that, then we could, I don't know, make appointments. If you want. More like tutoring." She had no clue why she said that out loud. She was fully allowed to make appointments, but she knew she shouldn't with Sara. It was bound to only wind Tegan up more, when nothing could come from it.
"Really? I, um, that'd be great. Do you mean like once a week?" Sara was taken aback by the offer, but she knew she would need the help. She ignored the fact that the guarantee of private meetings thrilled her.
"Whatever works for you. If you want to meet every day you have lecture to cover it more in depth, we can do that." Stop. Fucking. Saying. Things. Mouth. Tegan yelled at herself until Sara's eyes lit up slightly. Now her mind wondered why they did that.
"Sure!" Sara squeaked. Her breath stopped, and she faced the ground as her cheeks grew warmer. "I mean, yeah. That'd be really helpful. Thank you."
"Well, it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday. What time are you available those days? I can do any time after my office hours for all of them." Just helping a student. Totally fine. No problem. I can handle this.
"Calc' is my last class those days. So whenever, I guess." Sara shrugged her shoulders. She didn't want to seem difficult with how generous Tegan was being with her time.
"If it works for you, My office hours end at 5 on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. So how about 5pm on each day? We can meet here."
"That's so generous. Thank you. I will be here." Sara gathered her things. "See you Monday!"
"Yup! See you then." After Sara left, Tegan realized that she had never really looked forward to Mondays as much as she did now.
