Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing 'cept the bottle I'm drinking out of.

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Ok welcome back fans! Tonight, I'm going to educate the young'uns here on yet ANOTHER historical figure in wrestling. She helped pave the road for many women wrestlers AND valets that came after her. Folks, tonight I'm going to give you the rundown on Missy Hyatt! So take a seat and hold tight!


Missy was last spotted, years ago, by ECW fans at one of their PPV's.(It was the one that had a lot of brawls and impromptu matches, if that helps). Missy basically stated that she was a whore and had sex with Jack Victory. But the question remains, where was Missy between then and last month? In her own words, "Well I sucked Scott Putski's polish sausage and smoked a lot of crack, so I'm sure I was in a gutter, naked and spaced out for a large amount of time, and there were probably several types of vegetables shoved into my holes."

To get to where she fell off, so to say, we have to go WAAAAY back in time. Missy's fall from grace started in 1991, when, as part of the WCW announce crew, she barged into a locker room, hoping to spot the Z-Man (a.k.a. Tom Zenk) in the buff. Little did she know Z-Man likes to pump it with the boys, leaving his wang a nice toasty brown. Anywho, one day at a WCW Saturday Night taping, Missy was scheduled to go backstage and interview Lex Luger. When she asked the bookers what she should ask Luger, the bookers responded with, "Oh Missy, stop bothering us, because your breath smells like Barry Windham's cock sweat. Just go with it." And go with it she did. This interview obviously never made it to the air, but I have managed to get a transcript of this interview. Here goes:

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Missy Hyatt: Lex Luger, at Halloween Havoc, you face Ron Simmons, now I've got to ask the question all of us fans are dying to know.

Lex Luger: Go right ahead Missy.

Missy: Is his big black dong significantly larger than yours?

Lex: ...what?

Missy: Oh come on Lex, I've taken a ride on the Lex Express, and let's be honest, it's like the short bus. But Ron Simmons is black, and you know what they say about them!

Lex: What's that?

Missy: They got big hairy cocks! My GOD, why haven't I slept with this guy yet? Do you think he has any crank?

Lex: ...uh...4% body fat?

Missy: Hey, wouldn't it be funny if instead of clotheslining you, he cock-lined you?

Lex: OK, I give up, is this a rib?

(At this point, Missy began practicing her fellatio techniques on a live microphone, shocking herself)

Missy: Well! That's a little jolt, isn't it? Say Lex, you've got a few minutes before you wrestle Brad Armstrong, you wanna stuff my back alley?

Lex: IS THIS LIVE?

Missy: You wish buddy! You had your chance at Missy's Meat box, how about you camera guy? You want a free ride? The burning you get from me only happens when you piss.

(The camera drops to the floor, breaking up the picture.)


And THAT is how Missy Hyatt met her release from WCW. As far as what happened in between then, not many know for sure. Sporadic indy fed appearances were short lived when she managed to actually cram a ring post into her vagina at one PWA show in 1993. Then in 1994, at a charity event, she auctioned off her virginity for $1,100 dollars. That bombed, as 302 of the men in the crowd realized that they had actually had sex with her-THAT MORNING.

Missy tried various projects outside of the wrestling world. She wrote a script for a feature film, but Hollywood bigwigs assessed it was so stupid that no person would actually want to see a film entitled "Dude, Where's My Car?"...they did, however, buy the rights to the script for 12 bucks and a crack rock.

In August 1997, Missy released her first album, entitled, "Choking on Wang Juice". The title track cracked the Hot 100 list in Bulgaria for 2 weeks, peaking at number 96, but other than opening up for the New Monkees in Tuscon, Arizona, Missy's singing career never had any high points. Oh yeah, she also had sex with THREE of the Monkees at once, breaking the record previously held by Aretha Franklin, who only managed to get it from two. How did Missy accomplish such a feat? "Simple", she says, "my vagina is so loose I could fit TWO cocks in it at once! Davey Jones and Mickey Dolenz were double stuffing."

By the time 1998 rolled around, the wrestling boom was in full swing. Missy attempted to capitalize on this by releasing an autobiography of backstage stories. Unfortunately, Missy DEMANDED she write it all on her own, without the aid of a ghost writer. The book ended up being just 22 pages long, and contained only 4 words spelled correctly. Ironically, one of them WAS Schiavone. However, in that same sentence she incorrectly spelled the words I, sucked, Tony, and cock. The last four pages of the book were just poems about her nipple sores and pubic hairs. MAD Magazine acquired the rights to her story, and you can read all about it now in MAD's "Monroe" articles.

Missy tried one last attempt in the entertainment field, releasing a video game in early 1999. It was actually well designed, had an excellent plot, easy game control, and really fun characters and stories that the gamer could get into. Gamepro magazine even rated it a 9.8 out of 10 on the game scale. So why didn't it break big? Most suggest the title of the game, "Kill All the Baby Retards" was a drawback. Also cited as a negative selling point of the game was that it was released EXCLUSIVELY for the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System, and required extensive use of the "Power Pad" and a boomerang.

As far as Missy goes now, I was able to reach Missy for comment. "I'm doing really well for myself. I've got a steady job in the entertainment field and my name is getting out there all over again! I'm currently in acting, and I've already had starring roles in three films. Look out world, Missy Hyatt is coming back with a vengeance!" With that, she walked out of her broken down trailer wearing nothing but a bikini made of Slim Jims, and marched onto the set of her newest film, where she proceeded to have sex with a golden retriever. Any Missy fans can catch her in her movies, entitled "My dog gave ME a bone", "Woman's Best Friend" and "Missy Hyatt sucks a Doberman's cock".

...by the way, don't let that last title mislead you. It's not pure-bred Doberman, it's part Rottweiler.


Thanks for reading, please review! Oh, and don't forget to check out my poll on my profile page!

Next time, we'll hop into the recent-day and our topic will be HBK, Shawn Michaels!


A/N—Please keep in mind that NONE of these wrestlers/valets are made up, they are actual people who do or DID exist. If you're newer to wrestling and don't recognize some of the names I mention, don't fret, just look them up on WikiPedia. Buuuut…I didn't have to tell YOU that, did I?