Chapter 2

"I...I don't think you're going to fit."

"What the hell does that mean? You haven't even tried putting it on me yet."

"But…" The orc, named Gorzag, who had been tasked with bringing Sauron's armor up to the top floor, looked from the person-sized black armor to the gigantic flaming eyeball glaring down at him.

"Are you trying to say something? You think I've been putting on weight because I've just been sitting around for the past five hundred years?"

"I-I mean…"

"You know what? I've actually lost weight assuming this form. How the fuck do you think I'm up here floating? That's right. The scale shows negative weight for me. Now put on my goddamn armor before I incinerate you."

Gorzag looked at his two buddies who were struggling to hold up Sauron's mace. They pretended not to know him.

-Two Hours Later-

"It didn't fit." Sauron was still armorless. Naked, as some might say. Gorzag was dead.

One of the orcs holding his mace said, "Do you still want this?"

"What the shit am I supposed to do with a mace? Do I look like I have hands?"

The other orc shrugged. "Wasn't there a Hand of Sauron at one point?"

"Yeah, but he got killed by some fucking ranger. Speaking of, though, where's my Mouth? I could use his help." He turned to one of the orcs. "Go get my Mouth."

"Big eyeses…" Gollum said to himself in the corner. "We wonders if he has big mouthses too."

-Later-

"God dammit, Eye, I was in the middle of a dental appointment," the Mouth of Sauron said. "This better be important."

"Uh, I'm over here," Sauron said. "Turn him around."

One of the orcs walked over and turned Mouth around, since the giant metal plate over the top half of his face prevented him from seeing anything. Hence why he's the mouth and not the eye.

"Big mouthses?" Gollum hopped over to where Mouth was standing. "Can we eats it?"

"No, you can't eat my fucking mouth, that's gross and weird," Sauron said.

"What about big earses?"

"Oh, the Ear of Sauron is out spying in Dale right now. You know, that whole body part thing started as a joke, what with me being the Eye of Sauron, but eventually it got to the point where I've got almost all 7,500 named body parts scattered across Middle Earth."

"We did not ask for exposition, did we, precious?"

"Uh…" Mouth raised his hand. "What am I doing here, again? I really need to get back to my—"

"Forget your dental practice, Mothman. By the way, that's what I'm going to call you from now on. The Mouth of Sauron is too much of a...mouthful." Sauron turned to one of the orcs. "High five me, that was a good one."

"That's not even—what—-okay, never mind. Just tell me what this is all about," the newly dubbed Mothman said.

"Well, I found out where my ring is. It's in the Shire. And I want your help getting it back."

"Should I ready the Nazgûl?"

"That's a good idea, they can come too! Let's all go to Minas Morgul."

"Oh, you mean…" If Mothman had possessed the ability of sight he would have looked Sauron up and down. "You're coming too?"

"Yeah. I just gotta…" Sauron hopped down from the two spiky things holding the corners of his eye, the impact with the floor shaking the whole tower. "Fuck, that hurt. Where are the Legs of Sauron?"

"Racing with the Haradrim. Those bastards have gotten rich by betting on each other."

"Okay, hold on…" Sauron grunted, then slowly began to rise off the ground. "Yes! Wait, I can't stop! Someone hold me!"

His yelling excited Gollum's delicate temperament, and the creature began screaming as well as Sauron started to float away from the tower.

One of the orcs quickly snatched up a chain and threw it around Sauron, holding him in place.

"...Thanks."

-Barad-dûr, Ground Level-

"Take care of the tower while I'm gone," Sauron said to a group of orcs. "Just keep forging weapons and shit. Once I get back with my ring, we're razing Gondor to the ground. Be ready."

With that, the three of them set off: Gollum holding Sauron by the chain like some misshapen, fiery, evil balloon, and Mothman with a seeing-eye warg to help him in the right direction.

"We knows the way out of Mordor," Gollum said, walking on all fours—or threes rather, as one hand was holding the chain.

"We're not leaving Mordor just yet," Sauron said. "We have to go get the Nazgûl from Minas Morgul. I said that, like, ten minutes ago."

"We doesn't have good memories, precious!" Gollum spat onto the ground. "We doesn't remembers things good!"

"You don't talk good either," Mothman muttered, then cursed as he tripped for the fiftieth time.

"Well, can you at least try and remember anything else about Shire or Baggins?" Sauron asked. "I want to know what we're up against."

"Baggins is nasty," Gollum said. "Nasty thiefs. He stole the precious! HE STOLE IT!"

"We've already covered tha—aaaand he's screaming again." Sauron turned his soul-piercing gaze to Mothman, who was unaffected for reasons previously mentioned. "What about you? Heard anything about Shire or Baggins?"

"I cleaned the teeth of some orcs a while back who'd gotten some pretty sick weed from a place called the Shire," Mothman said.

"Drug dealers, eh?" Sauron laughed evilly. "So is this whole business with the ring goes south, and Baggins tries to get it back, we can always just call the cops and let that resolve itself."

"The...cops?"

"The Middle-earth police? You've never heard of them? Eh, never mind."

-Minas Morgul-

"Hey, Witch-king? You in there?" Sauron called up to the sinister green spires of the Nazgûl fortress. "Ugh. Can someone knock?"

"I don't know where the door is," Mothman said.

"Gollum? Can you help a Dark Lord out, here?"

"Always makes us do the dirty work, precious," Gollum muttered. He grabbed a rock and banged it on the door. "Never appreciates us."

"I really like what they've done with the place," Sauron said. "The green lights add a nice creepy effect to it. Wish you could see it, Mothman."

"You know, you could always just take this metal thing off of my face. I'm not actually blind, or anything."

"It's okay. I like you just the way you are."

Anyone here play Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor? I put a little reference to that in here because it's one of my favorite games.

And if you want to read more about the Middle-earth police, check out my Hobbit crackfic.

Credit to darkshire dot net for all the orc names.

Huge thanks to Galadrielcats and star for the nice comments! Feel free to drop a review about any parts you liked, or any characters (or Sauron body parts) you'd like to see in future chapters. Stay tuned for the next chapter!