Wings of the Morning
Chapter 2
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters; I don't own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
Spoilers: Anything up to and including A Tangled Webb II in season 9 is fair game.
A/N: I'm working on this story every day now; I have the next chapter ¾ of the way finished. I hope you'll read along, I'll try to post as often as I can. For those of you who need a finished story before you begin, I completely understand.
A/N: Many thanks to jaggiegold for proofing for me.
0230
Sunday
May 29, 2003
Harm's Apartment
North of Unions Station
Harm lay on his side watching Mac as she slept fitfully beside him. He had been awake for nearly half an hour, debating with himself whether it would be wiser to just wake her or to let her wake on her own. She was exhausted from her assignment at Camp Lejeune. Now that Harm had a chance to really see her; the dark circles under her eyes were unmistakable. He had been right. The assignment had brought back all the old issues with her father.
He watched as Mac's face contorted with pain, and then suddenly she called out. "Wait…she's just a little girl….don't tell her…she's just..."
Mac sat up, still asleep, her body damp with sweat.
Harm leaned up and tried to gently calm her but she pulled away, still in her dream. "She's…just a little girl" She started to cry. "Just a girl…don't die….please talk to me…you have to tell me…why?"
"Mac…wake up, you're dreaming." He gently shook her arm. "Mac..."
Mac drew in a deep breath and pulled away. "No…you have to help me…I'm sorry…I was just a little girl."
She was still half asleep but she broke away from Harm and was across the room before he could reach for her. She began to cry again, this time so hard she could barely catch her breath.
Harm slipped out of bed, careful not to come too near her, but he spoke more firmly this time, her inability to come out of this nightmare was beginning to concern him more by the minute. "Mac…it's me, you're dreaming. Wake up now!"
Mac's whole body seemed to jar as she came fully awake. She saw Harm standing in front of her, and then remembered the nightmare. Somehow, her dreams had combined the Rollins case and her own life. She took a few calming breaths.
"I'm okay…I'm all right. It's just a nightmare…I'm all right." She walked away from him, wiping her tears away, still trying to calm herself down.
"Mac…what was it?" He followed her into the kitchen
"It's nothing…the case was just difficult, but its okay, I'm okay."
Harm took her into his arms. "I know we agreed not to push each other, but your nightmares are getting more and more frequent and you look as though you barely slept the whole time you were at Camp Lejeune." He kissed her hair. "Cant you talk about this at all?"
Mac silently shook her head, she didn't want to, she didn't know if she could do it, without falling apart all together. She thought if she did that, she'd never be rid of Commander McCool.
"Do you talk to your therapist about this?"
"Not really...I just don't want to go there with her, she's asked about them…I've had nightmares before…they pass."
He stroked her back, trying to comfort her but still pressed her further, "They're getting worse Mac…not better."
"I keep thinking…if I give myself a little more time...I can get back to normal."
Mac leaned back, and kissed his chin. "I'm okay Sailor, really. I sorry I woke you."
Harm kissed her quickly and hugged her close again.
Mac smiled secretly and curved her leg around his, pulling their bodies even more closely together.
Harm drew in a breath at the intimate contact, but then teased her, whispering into her ear. "Hey now…you're not trying to distract me….are you?"
Looking up into his eyes she answered, "Oh…I might be."
She kissed him and when she looked at him again, she caught what she thought might be a bit of hurt in his eyes.
Mac's mood changed immediately. "Harm, we said we wouldn't push…you said we didn't have to talk about anything that we didn't want to."
"I know. I just want you to know, you can talk to me." His hands stroked her back and his voice was full of concern. "I really want to help and you're in pain… I can feel it."
Harm's words only brought everything she felt back to the surface again.
"Tell me Mac; even if you don't tell your counselor, you have to get what ever is hurting you out."
"Why are you pushing this so hard?" She felt her throat constrict as she tried to rein in her emotions.
"Mac… I know you're a strong person, I know you're self sufficient, a professional…all of that. But now you need help." He averted his eyes from hers and lowered his voice. "I want to be the one you trust…I want you to need…me."
His words penetrated the self protective walls that she had fashioned over the years when it came to this, and made them crumble. She pulled him close, resting her head against his chest, listening to his deep, calm and reassuring voice, along with his strong and steady heartbeat.
"You know I want the best for you, don't you? I'm not competing with you. You're suffering Mac; you were before you left for Lejuene, now it's gotten worse." He kissed her hair, "Talk to me…let me help, that's all I'm asking"
Mac whispered, "Okay," against his chest. He deserved her trust; she knew that. It seemed almost from the day she met him, he'd been trying to get inside her head. She knew that now, this was different. They were not the competitors they had been when they first met, and over the years they'd at least, been friends at JAG. As she stood there in the darkened room holding on to Harm, that period of time seemed a million years ago. Harm's voice broke into her reverie.
"Ah, there is one thing we have to do before we talk about this"
Mac looked up at him, a bit wary. "What?"
"We need to get back in bed, or put on something warmer than this" He looked down at his boxer shorts. "….and coffee…coffee sounds good. I'm freezing."
The comical look on his face made Mac laugh and she laughed louder, as Harm gingerly stole across the room to adjust the temperature of the air conditioning. As in the past, Harm's own brand of humor helped her laugh in the midst of a very difficult situation.
0845(Naples time)
Sunday
May 29 2003
Francesca's villa
Naples, Italy
AJ stood on the terrace at the back of the villa and looked out at the beautiful view of the Bay of Naples and Mount Vesuvius, beyond. He felt such a connection to this place, now, more than ever. After all, his daughter and his grandson were born here. Now he felt a part of this place too, but he also knew to confine himself to one place would be a difficult task. He wondered if he'd ever be able to do it. He started when he heard something behind him and then Marcella's voice...
"Did you sleep well AJ?"
He turned toward her, and a knowing smile spread slowly across his face. "I did."
She walked into his arms and he gathered her close, his voice low and suggestive. "I'd have slept better if you'd stayed last night."
Marcella blushed like a school girl. "I didn't want the children…to know."
She had come to him, after she thought everyone was asleep last night; somehow he'd known she would. The kiss they'd shared in Alberto's nursery had been interrupted by Francesca, but later that evening, Marcella appeared at the door of his room. Without a word, slipped into his arms and they'd made love as though they'd never been apart.
AJ gave her a sly grin, "I don't think Francesca's sensibilities would be offended and I know for a fact that Alberto doesn't care."
"Oh you" she pushed out of his arms, "Come…I want to show you something."
She took his hand and guided him to a corner of the less formal gardens, behind the old villa. It was a separate garden, enclosed inside a small but ornate stone fence. It was blooming with beautiful wild flowers along side the stately roses, and climbing vines near neatly trimmed shrubbery. And at the center a small plaque with the words 'Ruit Hora'
AJ translated the words aloud. "Time runs away," and gave Marcella a quizzical look.
"I placed the stone, with the words…because our time…ran away, too quickly." There was sadness in her eyes.
"It is a garden I started when we were first married, while you were away. I wanted my mother to have something, a remembrance…of me, so that she wouldn't be lonely for me when I went to America with you."
AJ released her hand, walked the path inside the small plot and looked around him, "It's unusual…a unique combination of…everything."
"It is…it was much like the rest of the area when I began…but then after I returned home, alone, with Francesca, I came out here to think of you. Everything new that I planted…was wild, so different from everything else….it was the way I saw you, in those days. I wanted to make it work, make it beautiful, even if we with all of our differences could not."
"It is beautiful Marcella and only you could have done it." She slipped back into his arms and AJ kissed her.
Marcella leaned back from him, her fingers lovingly stroking his face. "What will we do now? You have to return to America tomorrow…what will happen to what we have found together? Will you leave it behind? Was last night about remembering our old love, or making our love new?"
He gathered her into his arms again. "We weren't making our love new Marcella…for me, it's been as constant as the sun and the moon. I wasn't making love to a memory." He pulled her more tightly to him, making her face flush warm with embarrassment. "and you weren't either." He leaned back from her for a moment and gave her countenance an assessing look. He tipped her chin up and asked, "What do you want, Marcella…truly?"
"I only know I never want to lose you; I'm not that childish girl you married, all those years ago. I am the woman who loves you, who refuses to break her own heart to have her own way."
AJ was touched deeply by her frank and honest answer. He placed his palm on her cheek and whispered her name. "You'll never lose me again, I swear it. I promise if you will allow me back into your life, you'll never have reason to be afraid of me, or doubt that I love you, ever again." He gathered her back into his arms and hugged her tightly to him.
Over her shoulder he said,
"I have to go back…at least for a while. I have turned in my resignation, but my position at JAG is very important, I cannot just leave. I have to do my duty." He leaned back to study her expression, hoping she understood.
"I don't want to change that about you, I can wait…I have already waited a lifetime…and perhaps, I will come to you" she grinned sheepishly and looked into his eyes. "If I can stand to leave Alberto."
He looked up in the direction of his grandson's nursery window. "I think I can understand that…you could always bring him with you…and Francesca." He leaned down to kiss her. "To visit." A quick kiss. "Or to stay."
She broke their kiss with a smile. "What do you want to do AJ?" She decided to challenge him as well.
"I never want to loose you again. I want to accomplish my task at JAG and leave the men and women in my command ready to take the helm, after that…where ever we are, I want to be with you and be in Francesca and Alberto's lives. I never want to feel like an outsider with my own flesh and blood again."
Marcella tipped her head up as he leaned down, touching her forehead with his, "I think, my love, we finally understand each other."
0300
Sunday
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
Harm lay back, propped up on pillows; deciding that going back to bed would be warmer than getting dressed. Mac sat Indian style on her side of the bed, sipping from the coffee cup that she held in both hands. Harm placed his coffee cup on the night stand and started off, without preamble.
"So what happened down there?"
Mac stopped drinking her coffee and met his gaze directly. "The case, it turned out to be a domestic case, but definitely not what the convening authority suspected. On the surface, a Marine was killed. While he had a history of having difficulty with, shall we say, anger management, there were no records of police calls for domestic disturbances at his home. His wife confessed to me almost immediately that she killed him. His daughter had completely disappeared, the child's mother seemed unable to do or say anything about that situation, other than saying that she hoped she got away….nothing made sense to me….and the whole time…I'm so…irritated, with this woman I can barely stand to be in anywhere near her."
Harm was quiet for a moment then asked, "Did she remind you of your mother?"
"No." she said the word sharply, almost before Harm had finished his sentence. "I don't know…I don't think so…I just hated….her attitude, her demeanor…the defeat, in everything she said. She made me so angry at one point, I wanted to shake her…I almost did." She held up her finger and thumb indicating, "I was this close, before I realized what I was doing."
She shook her head, "I knew she was lying from the beginning and even after she told me that it had been an accident…I still felt….disgusted with her. Why would she blame herself, when it was clear her husband was the person who initiated the confrontation? Why would she allow herself to be taken from her daughter, when she was all Carrie had left?"
"Mac, everyone has let a case get to them at one time or another, you're bound to feel that way from time to time, it doesn't mean…"
Mac interrupted him, "Where was my professional bearing…my objectivity….the things that I have always been able to rely on?" She looked at Harm, her expression still showing the disbelief she felt at her actions.
"Mac…" Harm sat up and reached for her arm. "I think you're being too hard on yourself."
"I feel out of control Harm…and you know I hate that and I have to admit, you're right…it is getting worse."
"I know…and I know there's something else too." He leaned back and folded his arms across his bare chest. "When you were trying to wake from your nightmare, you said….she's just a little girl...then later, you said, I was just a little girl."
Mac looked back down at her coffee cup; she hadn't realized how much she'd said at the end of her nightmare.
"The little girl, she was just 10….she'd been sleeping on a park bench…hiding, from both of her parents. Her mother didn't even have the will, or presence of mind, to look for her." Mac sighed heavily and continued, "Apparently, her husband, while he was not physically abusive, was verbally abusive, a situation in which their daughter would evidently try to intervene, on a regular basis. In the incident that led to Staff Sergeant Rollins' death, he lost control and turned on his daughter. Mrs. Rollins was sure the abuse was going to become physical and told her daughter to run. She tried to keep her husband from pursuing her; she managed to delay him, but did not deter him. He ran into the busy thoroughfare near their home..."
Harm finished her sentence, "and was killed… it was an accident, not a homicide."
Mac nodded, "The little girl was found the morning that I was finally able to get the truth from Mrs. Rollins. She was taken to the base hospital. She had a few scratches, was a bit dehydrated, but other than that, she was fine. She didn't know her father was dead; she asked me to tell her mother and father that she was sorry that she got into the fight and that she ran away…Harm, I knew exactly what that little girl did and I know why.
I know she'll blame herself…and her mother is too weak to help her believe anything else."
Harm said her name softly as she spoke her heart. He knew how difficult this was for her.
"After she understood that I knew it was an accident…she was already wishing she'd never told her to run. Can you imagine? Mrs. Rollins actually wished her abusive husband had caught her daughter…. And beat her?"
Mac began to trace the top rim of her coffee cup with her finger, deep in thought as she spoke.
"Suddenly I was that little girl…trying to keep everyone happy…trying to keep my parents from fighting." Mac's eyes began to fill with tears. "Every time I think those feelings are dead and buried, then out of nowhere the memories and the pain are as sharp and fresh as when I was a little girl. It was so long ago. Months…years pass and I think I'm okay, then something…or someone brings it all back. How many times have I thought I had this under control?"
Mac was angry suddenly, "Why is this bothering me now, in addition to everything else. Why now, when I have every reason to be happy? There's nothing I can do about the past. I couldn't do anything…even when I went to see my father; at the end…there was nothing he could say."
"Didn't he try to explain it at all?"
"He slipped into a coma, just before I got there. He never even knew I was there."
"Mac, I'm so sorry."
"I totally lost it on him anyway. I was really terrible to him and the poor priest who was helping care for him. First of all, I walk in and can't seem to come out of the bathroom because I kept throwing up."
Harm reached for her hand, but she wasn't aware of it.
"Then when I did finally pull myself together enough to walk into the room and look at him, I nearly dragged him out of the bed, trying to shake him awake and make him talk to me."
She scoffed, "I scared the priest who ran the hospice so badly, he nearly made me leave."
"It must have been terrible, I wish you would have called me, I would have come… I told you that I would have." Harm remember that time; her demeanor when she spoke of it back then, gave away none of the pain she must have been feeling.
"I didn't want you to know, what my life was really like. You already knew too much about my messed up life."
Harm listened quietly but shook his head as though that couldn't be further from the truth.
Mac placed her coffee cup on the bedside table and rubbing her hands together, she looked at Harm and asked, "Why wasn't I enough?" The tears spilled from her eyes when she asked. "Why didn't they love me enough…Why didn't they try to make sure I was all right…what was missing from me, myself….that I wasn't worth it?"
Harm reached for Mac and pulled her into his arms. "It wasn't you Mac, you have to know that. I'm not trying to make excuses for them, but they both had a lot of problems….probably a long time before you were born, and you're not responsible for them."
"The priest gave me Dad's wallet, it had pictures of me, and newspaper clippings….he followed my career, all the way to JAG." Mac was still crying, but softly, as though the tears were slowly releasing something locked in her soul.
"I'm sure he was proud of you, Mac."
"Just not proud enough… not enough to say it… just once, or stand by me. Like my Mom...not enough to stay…I guess sometimes love isn't enough…for anyone."
Harm leaned back just far enough to look into her eyes. "Love is enough Mac; the only time love isn't enough…is when people give up…and I'm not giving up on you…ever."
Mac kissed him quickly and hugged him tightly to her. "I'm so glad I have you. What did I ever do to deserve you?"
Harm grinned broadly over her shoulder. "I am too. And hey, I could say the same thing. I think we both lucked out."
He leaned back onto his pillows, bringing her with him. "So….Are you going to talk to Commander McCool about this?'
"Yeah, I guess so, I know she'll think this probably ties in somehow, with PTSD, Paraguay, Bosnia…I'm not sure how, but I will talk to her about this…I'm sick of it…its like a weight that I've carried all my life…and I'm just so sick of it." Mac's speech was beginning to sound slurred with fatigue.
Harm smoothed her back and kissed her forehead and that gentle gesture, made Mac relax further into his arms, 'Bosnia?' he wondered, as he looked down and brushed a lock of hair back from her face. That was another question, for another day; she needed to sleep now. "Getting sleepy, Mackenzie?"
"Yeah…but don't think you're off the hook, Sailor. I want to talk to you… about your counseling…if I have to talk" She yawned hugely, "You do too."
"We'll see..." He hugged her close again, and in moments he felt her fall asleep against him. Harm's countenance drew into a frown as he thought of talking about his sessions with his counselor. Besides missing Mac, he had been able to think of nothing else all week. Captain Miles kept pushing a point, about Sergei. He asked Harm why he hadn't been upset about the existence of Sergei. Harm hadn't really allowed himself to dwell on it; he was just so glad to have a link to his father and proof that he had lived and was alive for all those years when Harm believed he was.
Now that he allowed him self to think of it, it was confusing; why was he traveling with Pitchka? If he was able to get to Svichevo, why didn't he keep trying to come home?
Captain Miles always kept a very professional demeanor when he spoke to him, but Harm knew, he was skeptical about how Sergei came to be and seemed to feel that his connection with him was unrealistic and might not be the best thing for him now.
Harm believed that couldn't be further from the truth.
At that same moment many miles away…
Sergei's apartment
Russia
Galina greeted her fiancée at the door of his apartment. Sergei swept her up into his arms and walked her backward into the tiny apartment. "Galina."
"Hello…I have missed you."
"It was a long day and longer night, but I am home now." He was just coming off of a 36 hour watch.
He kissed her. "What do you have for me, beautiful one?"
Galina smiled and kissed him back, when they were startled by a knock at their door.
He opened the door to find his cousin, Danechka Zuchov. Danechka was a young man nearly Sergei's age. He looked sad and very tired; he warily glanced side to side, as though he feared he was being followed before he stepped inside the apartment.
"Cousin?"
"I am sorry to come without notice, but I have something I must speak to you about."
Sergei invited him in to the apartment. He was aware that Danechka's father, his mother's brother had been very ill and that Danechka had been at the hospital on a death watch, for many days.
"May I speak with you alone, Sergei?" His cousin looked directly at Galina.
Galina was slightly miffed but leaned in to kiss her fiancée's cheek. "I will go out, and bring you breakfast, in an hour." She looked sharply at her fiancee's cousin.
Sergei smiled nervously, wondering what his cousin could want and also hoping his fiancée wouldn't be angry with him.
The two young men sat down at the kitchen table in the tiny apartment.
"My father has died"
"Cousin, I am so sorry."
The young man held up his hand. "He was sick for a very long time, as you know, but told no one. By the time he saw the doctor, it was too late. I was able to speak with him alone before he died and he made me swear to deliver to you, a letter. This letter was written long ago, and it is about your father, Harmon Rabb. He made me swear to tell no one and to give this to you as soon as I could. You must swear to tell no one as well, my cousin, for the secrets in this letter would surely cost our families their lives."
TBC
A/N: This is the point in the story in which we turn a very large corner. Lots of AU from here on, folks. I'm filling in a lot of blanks but also creating a bit of fanon instead of canon.(grin)
