Three Swordsmen and a Baby!

Disclaimer: Miss Cleo, Dionne Warwick, and LaToya Jackson have all predicted that I'd take ownership of all the characters in this fic away from Nintendo. Needless to say, their predictions have proved wrong.  =\
Author's Notes: *screeches* 16 reviews for the first chapter! I am sooooooo elated! I seriously thought no one was going to like this! Glad I was wrong! Thanks a bunch! As promised, here's Chapter 2! Please R/R!

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"Man, that smells."

"Well, poop was never known to be powdery fresh, Link."

"Shut up. …Hey, who's going to do this?"

"Not me!"

"Roy! You punk!"

"Heh heh! So, I guess you gotta do it, Lin---hey, where are you going?"

"I just remembered, I…um…gotta…tape an episode of Golden Girls for Fox. Sophia tricks Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy into going to this place called Florida. Great episode, man…!"

"I gotta fix up the formula *and* feed him later, so," Roy paused and glanced in the direction of his blue-haired friend, "you're going to have to do it, Marth."

"Why me!?"

"Didn't you hear?" Roy sighed the exasperated type of sigh parents use when they're trying to explain something complex to their inquisitive children. It was condescending. "Link has to tape Golden Girls and I have to prepare the food. Everyone's gotta do something but you. So you're qualified for the task."

The surface of Marth's skin grew very hot and he flushed a deep crimson…with anger. He gave his friends Link and Roy a heated glare before focusing his attention to the baby lying upon his back on the changing table before him. He reached forward with trembling hands, slowly, as if he were approaching a wild doe out in the forest in the middle of hunting season.

Roy and Link were nearby and silently watching Marth remove the white diaper from Loki's tiny body. The adhesive that kept the diaper in place came off with a slow and audible stretching sound that echoed throughout the hotel lounge. It finally came off in its entirety.

The intense smell nearly drove all three males backward.

Loki giggled.

"My eyes are watering!" Roy clamped his hands over his face.

"Dear Din, Nayru, and Farore!" Link exclaimed. Instantly, his hands came over his nose. "The wallpaper's gonna start peeling!"

"I hate you both," Marth growled. As far as he was concerned, Roy and Link had it easy. *They* weren't stuck changing diapers. And he didn't even know why they were watching the kid in the first place! The trials and tribulations of being an innocent bystander, he thought with an inward sigh.

Suddenly, something caught his eye and he turned his head away, flinching in disgust.

"What? What is it?" Roy asked, concerned.

Marth looked like he had swallowed a sour kumquat. Whole. "…It's the poop."

"What?" Link asked sardonically. "You were expecting petunias?"

Link winced when Marth's foot swung into his calf.

"No you doofus," Marth snapped, keeping the flinched look on his face. "It's…"

Roy lifted his eyebrows, expecting his friend to continue on. "It's…?"

"It's green."

"EWW, MAN!"

Loki giggled again.

"What have they been feeding him!?" Link exclaimed. His hands were still over his nose. "Green eggs and ham!?"

"Actually, you're not far from the truth. It's 'Gerber Baby's First Foods'," Roy said as he withdrew a small jar of baby food from within the giraffe-patterned baby bag Princess Peach had left behind for them and read the contents on its label. "Shouldn't your baby be a Gerber baby?"

Marth simply glared. "I don't care about that. Just hand me another diaper, powder, and baby wipes."

Roy did as he was told. Marth took the offered items and began to work. Actually, he more or less pondered on what to do. His silence tempted Link to comment. "Hey," the Hylian said, "y'know, you oughtta start by removing the dirty diaper first."

"GO WATCH GOLDEN GIRLS!"

Roy couldn't contain his laughter, and as much as he tried to hide it with the palm of his hand, some snickers forced their way out of his mouth; it sounded like he had suppressed a very loud sneeze. Loki found the combination of Marth's outburst and Roy's futile attempt to keep from laughing downright hilarious. The baby began giggling uncontrollably.

This only proved to harm Link's pride. "Just tryin' to help…"

A few curses were uttered under Marth's breath as he wiped the giggling baby completely clean and sprinkled him with the white baby powder. He took hold of Loki's ankles and managed to dress him with a fresh, new diaper, with only a little bit of trouble on the baby's behalf. When his task was completed, Marth breathed a sigh of relief and wiped the small beads of sweat that had formed on his brow. He took a step back and admired his work.

"Finally," he said, "finished!"

"Um, Marth?"

Marth turned to Roy, blinking. "What?"

"You put the diaper on backwards."

"Aww crap…"

Some time had gone by after Marth's horrific experience with changing Loki's diaper. The Prince of Altea had used about three diapers with plenty of unsuccessful results (and struggling from little Loki) before he, at long last, mastered the art of placing a diaper on a baby…the correct way. After the change, he washed his hands profusely and vowed to never father a child. Whether he was bluffing or not remained a mystery to his friends.

After Marth's ordeal, Roy had more success when he had prepared Loki's baby formula. The only flaw of that labor came when the infant refused to drink what the redhead had prepared for him. Roy grew exasperated with him but understood that a baby like Loki was too fickle and would soon change his mind about his appetite. In the meantime, however, Link was given the responsibility of holding and playing with the six-month-or-so-old infant, regardless of whether he liked it or not.

"Tell me again," the handsome blonde droned as he traipsed about the Super Smash Hotel's lounge, Loki lying contentedly in his arms. "Why am I stuck with carrying him around?"

"Because you lied, Link," Roy replied while removing the jarred baby food as well as a small and cute spoon from the bag.

"I did *not* lie."

"Yeah you did. You said you had to tape an episode of Golden Girls for Fox McCloud," Roy countered.

"And…?"

"The show has been off the air for years!"

"Okay, true. But why not ask Marth to do it? He's better with the kid."

At the moment, Marth was seated in a reclining chair, his legs crossed in a masculine sort of way and an issue of Swords Magazine in his palms. "Don't even dare," he replied while nonchalantly turning a page. His voice was rather low and cool, but there was an almost eerie solemnity in it that forced Link to reconsider.

"And," Roy added, glancing to the wall-clock, "I can't do it because I have to feed him in a few."

Before Link could come up with an excuse to malinger, Loki's miniature fingers reached for an errant strand of the Hylian's blonde hair that hung out from the brim of his trademarked green tuque. The little hand struck gold, so to speak, and finding interest with his new toy, he began to pull sharply on poor Link's hair.  "OW!"

Loki giggled at the sight of Link's wince and pulled again and again, harder each time. Roy and Marth snickered and made no attempt to help him just yet. Gently, Link pried the baby's hand open and away from his silk-like hair; afterwards, he used his free hand to safely tuck all of the strands underneath his tuque. Now that he no longer had a toy to play with, Loki frowned cutely, as he regarded Link's face.

Link noticed this. Maybe the child was actually going to start behaving? Might as well give the little booger a chance, he thought with a grin. "Hey, whatcha' staring at me for, huh kiddo?" he asked the baby. "Find something interesting?"

Indeed Loki had. A sparkling, sterling silver object in the shape of a thin circle piercing the flesh of Link's earlobe caught his interest. It was so shiny, and within his tiny reach…  His stubby little hand reached for the hoop and pulled hard, harder than he had with Link's hair.

"OW!!!!" Link jumped up, almost dropping the giggly baby with his initial pain and fright.

Roy looked up from the baby dinner entrée selection and Marth glanced from over the top of his magazine. "What's wrong?" the former asked.

Link was walking around as if he were possessed by the Holy Ghost, bellowing and nearly crying from the pain induced with Loki's every tug to his exposed and very sensitive Hylian ear. "Ow! It's coming out through the bone! Bleeding! Pain! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Marth lowered his face to hide it behind the cover of the magazine, perhaps to laugh. Roy sighed and made his way over to Link, relieving him of the burden of the baby. "Give him to me… And don't look like that in front of the kid; we're his role models."

"Role models!? That demon incarnate nearly ripped my ear off!" Link heard snickering from Marth's direction. He cast a sharp glance that way. "And what're *you* laughing at!?"

Marth's lips pursed and twisted this way and that. The amusement was evident in both his voice and his expression. "Ohhhhh nothing…"

"Alright, Loki! Time for dinner!" Roy tried to sound as merry as possible, stirring the cute baby spoon within a jar of baby food to mix it up.  

He took a seat opposite the Hotel's borrowed highchair in which the infant sat. A short time after his comical experience with pulling Link's hair and earring, the child had grown bored and showed no signs of hunger. This proved to be a no-no for Loki's bedtime was approaching and if he wasn't asleep by the time the females returned from their shopping trip, the Super Smash Brothers Tournament would lack three competitors come dawn.

Loki stared at Roy with a deadpan expression. He then glanced to the spoon of food held before him, then back to Roy. His tiny lips curled slightly with disgust. Obviously, he wasn't very hungry at the moment.

"Aw, c'mon. Don't you want some?" Roy paused briefly and glanced at the small jar's label. He made a disgusted face but nevertheless, continued on with his propaganda: "Green Beans!"

Loki wrinkled his nose.

"It's goooood," Roy gathered a mixture of the greenish brown puree onto the tiny spoon and waved it slightly before the baby.

Loki actually shook his head!

Roy dropped the sweet act. "Look kid, if you don't eat this, Peach will whack me with her frying pan; Daisy will send me flying like a tee at Pebble Beach; and Zelda will barbecue me with that magic spell of hers. So can you cut the crap and eat this for me? Please?"

The infant remained quiet. Roy's hand remained in its feeding position as he slumped and met the surface of the table with his forehead, audibly. It's hopeless…

Marth and Link stood up from the sofa after they found no more interest in the game of soccer on television, and stepped over to the grumbling Roy. "Try the airplane thing," Marth suggested.

"Airplane thing?" Roy asked, lifting his head off the table.

"Yeah, you know, you wave the spoon around like an airplane, pretending to fly it and land it in the kid's mouth, also known as the hangar."

What do I have to lose? Roy thought. He shrugged and prepped the spoon for its 'flight'.

Loki's expression did not change as Roy simulated an airplane in flight with the spoon; the redhead even went so far as to mock up the noises a plane's engine and its pilot makes. When the spoon neared him, Loki reached for it with curious intent.

"Yeah, that's it!" Roy beamed and cheered him on. "Brrrrrrr… Air traffic tower, this is Captain Roy speaking; requesting a clear runway! Vrrrrrroooom…!"

Suddenly, before any of the three males gathered around the baby could stop him, Loki whacked the spoon away from him with all his might---which wasn't much, but it was enough. The baby food flew off the mirrored surface of the spoon like a boulder off a catapult toward them. Link and Marth reacted quickly and moved out of the way. However, poor Roy did not get that opportunity and within mere seconds, the food landed on his face with an audible *splat*.

The look on his face was priceless…at least to Link and Marth, who broke out into fits of laughter at the sight of Roy. His eyes were closed in a serene way; his jaw was clenched, as were his lips, and a glob of greenish brown goo slid slowly down his brow. The swordsman made no attempt to wipe the mess off.

Finally, Loki began to laugh that cute yet mischievous laugh he was becoming known for. He clapped his tiny hands together at the hilarious sight in front of him. And when he wasn't clapping, he was thumping his hands on the surface of his highchair's plate.

"See?" Link was the first of the laughing trio to recover, somewhat. He patted Roy heartily on the shoulder and pointed to the laughing Loki. "Even he thinks you're funny, so it's not so bad, right?"

Roy kept his eyes closed but his mouth began to form into a sneer.

"Oh come now," Link said, mocking Roy's earlier tone of voice, "don't look like that in front of the kid; we're his role models, remember?"

Roy's bright eyes snapped open suddenly. He reached for the spoon strewn on the table, scooped up some of the mashed green beans onto it, and shoved it into an unsuspecting Link's mouth in one fell swoop.

Marth literally rolled around on the floor with laughter.

The Hylian's eyes went as wide as saucers. Link's first reaction was to barf up all of the food that had rushed into his mouth, but when he saw Roy smiling devilishly and looking to Loki, he realized he couldn't do such a thing because he was now an example.

"Look, Loki! Uncle Link likes it!" Roy announced with false cheer but complete mischief while pointing to the aforementioned 'example'. He cupped Link's chin with a hand and began raising and lowering it, coaxing the blonde into chewing the food. "Mmmmm…!"

As the saying went, a picture's worth a thousand words. Judging by the way Link glared at Roy, every word in that particular picture was laced with murderous intent.

***

A/N: That was so much fun to write! ^^ Do you think it's over for them? Hardly! There are still some things left for them to do. Will the boys manage to overcome the rest of their trials? Or will they break down?  Or…?  Find out in the next installment! (Man, did that sound like a television episode teaser or what?)
Chapter 3 is coming up! Please tell me whatcha think!
mature@fanfiction.net

Omake: Two more Marth pics for your viewing pleasure! *drools*
http://www.kyokusanagi.com/marth1.jpg
http://www.kyokusanagi.com/marth_pose.jpg

Enjoy!  ^_^