It turned out you couldn't craft a lightsaber with only half a Kyber Crystal. At least that was the conclusion Rey had come to. Though she knew the crystals were traditionally mined by apprentices she couldn't imagine it mattered. The Jedi texts spread before said nothing about the size or quality of the crystal and yet still the Kriffing thing would not turn on!
She had designed her lightsaber based on the first weapon she had taught herself to use and still favored. The staff was meant to ignite from both ends through a trigger in the center and could be adjusted to act as the more traditional laser sword most Jedi used depending on her need. Of course none of that mattered in the slightest since she couldn't get it to as much as spark.
She'd been crouched for hours with the texts splayed out on the floor of her hut hunting for something, anything to explain what the problem might be. She was positive she'd followed every direction in the ancient blueprint in the oldest of the books down to the letter, not a single circuit looked out of place but still the hilt sat cold in her hand not even the faintest twinge of power evident.
Her back ached. It was raining again, as it did so often here. It had lost some of the charm now that she'd been living with it for several weeks. The air was just always so damp! She could never seem to get dry. No matter how long she hung her clothes by the fire the damp chill clung to everything.
She let her mind drift with longing to the Rebellion's new base on Carlac where a newly constructed temperature controlled outpost kept everything at a delightfully dry seventy degrees morning, noon, and night. It was a beautiful planet in the outer rim territories covered in a blanket of perpetual snow, something else Rey had never seen before. Its people, the Ming Po, had like so many others, fallen victim to the villainy of the Empire years ago in the Clone Wars and they welcomed the nearly decimated rebellion with open arms offering a rare chance for rest and recuperation on their quiet and largely forgotten home world.
She smiled recalling the afternoon Poe had introduced her and Finn to the "joys" of snowball fights. He'd had the advantage initially but it wasn't long before he learned that Force directed snowballs were very difficult to avoid. That was the day she'd seen Finn holding Rose's hand for the first time. Though she didn't raise her head to meet his eyes Rey saw the smile spread across her face. It grew wider when he dropped a gentle kiss across her knuckles. Of course Rose had broken the spell by swooping down to grab a handful of snow which she promptly dumped down Finn's back spurring them all on to send a fresh rain of snowballs at him.
That had been a very good day.
Luke would have enjoyed that story, she thought. She couldn't pretend to have known him well but it seemed the kind of thing he would have done given the chance, use the Force for something as delightful and frivolous as a snowball fight. Well, maybe when he was her age.
It was difficult to be there on Ahch To without him. Though she wasn't sleeping in the hut where he'd lived she felt him everywhere, his presence was practically carved into the earth, a part of the perpetual rain. And though this trip had felt necessary, vital even, it was more difficult still to be away from her friends.
After a lifetime spent with only herself for company she'd had no concept of loneliness, had not even known she was lonely. It was just her life. When you opened yourself to companionship, to friendship, to love you opened yourself to the pain that came when they were taken away. And there was pain now. There was pain in Luke's death. Pain in leaving Finn and Poe and Rose behind when it felt like they'd only just found each other. How was that possible? One moment you had no idea someone existed in the universe, the next you couldn't imagine your life without them in it.
There was also a deeper pain that sat in her stomach like a cold stone. It could not be shifted or assuaged so matter how she tried to erase it from her mind. It was a dull, constant ache almost like the hunger that had always gnawed inside her on Jakku. But this wasn't something that could be cured by a good dinner.
She hefted the crystal again, feeling its weight in her palm. It hummed almost imperceptibly in her hand, generating just the tiniest bit of warmth. It was beautiful. Glinting like a precious jewel in the late afternoon sun. No, more like the light on the ocean as the sun rose. The jagged edges where it had cracked and almost shattered did nothing to diminish it. It should have been enough. There were no rules about the size of the crystal or whether it had to be whole or new so why wouldn't it work?
She could feel the frustration building. Feel the loneliness and disappointment rising in her and she gripped the crystal hard longing to throw it at the wall and watch it shatter into a million pieces.
That was what he would do.
No. No she would not do that. She would not think of him. To think of him was to think of the bond and if she thought about the bond she would think about opening it and that she refused, absolutely refused to do. He had made his choice. And she had made hers.
She would not think of that. Or him. Or the look on his face as the door to the ship had closed. Or the sound of his breath in the aftermath of battle, when he'd looked at her like she was the only person in the universe. Or the tears in his eyes. Or the way he'd said please. What it had cost him so say it.
Join me.
Please.
Like she was his last hope. She'd felt it through the bond. A separateness so very much like her own but so much deeper. She'd felt him fighting to keep it down, to keep himself from needing the connection they had. It went against everything he knew to reach out his hand to her, to say please. But still he'd done it.
Please.
She saw Ben Solo then. Just for a moment she saw the man on the bridge who had almost taken his father's hand, had almost stepped back into the light. She'd reached out to grasp his hand and then it vanished and his face was frozen again into a mask even more frightening than the one he wore into battle. Then she saw what this new world he wanted to build might look like. It might be a universe without war or violence or even pain but it would also be a universe devoid of any semblance of happiness or connection or love. Things she knew she could not live without, not anymore.
She didn't want to live in a universe like that.
It was so much harder to keep from thinking of him here when she had only herself for company. She'd find herself wondering if he had watched the sun set from the same spot she did on those rare nights when the rain stopped. Had Luke subjected him to that same traumatizing incident with the Thala-siren. She still couldn't bring herself to drink that milk.
Remembering Luke's hard, "got a problem with this?" stare as he'd sprayed green milk directly into his mouth pulled her from the treacherous path she'd let her mind wander down. She could almost hear him grumbling.
While you're worrying about sunsets there's a lightsaber lying on the ground without power. Get your head on straight. And there is nothing wrong with that milk!
Get her head on straight indeed. She gave herself a shake and stood up to stretch. She'd go for a run and clear her mind. Silent and still meditation might work for some but she needed to move. She grabbed her cloak from the heap of clothes on the bed just as a loud bang reverberated through the hut.
Her minder was back. She didn't need to even look out the window to know a white robed Lenai was once again checking the structural integrity of the hut to ensure she hadn't destroyed any more precious sacred landmarks.
Stifling a laugh she poked her head out of the hole in the wall that passed for a window and looked down at the little froglike woman who was muttering under her breath, probably lamenting having gotten the short straw in the "babysitting the so called padawan" drawing.
"Hello!"
The Lanai let out a shriek of surprise, lost her footing and landed in a heap punctuated by a very painful sounding thwump as her staff connected with her head.
"Oh I'm so sorry!"
Rey vaulted out the window and crouched beside the woman who had both hands pressed to her head and was now making a very unhappy sounding hissing noise. Without thinking Rey reached out her own hand and placed it over the Lenai's then reached with her mind. She could feel the pain and dizziness almost like it was in her own head. It was still disorienting to open herself to a connection like that. But her instinct was a good one. Without thinking she sent a comforting wave of gentle warmth toward the woman and in almost the same instant she felt the pain lessen. Encouraged she reached further, sending tendrils of healing energy to ease the swelling bruise that was already rising. She felt the pain begin to crumble like dry earth under her hand and with another breath of that same delightful warmth it vanished.
The Lenai had remained very still from the first moment Rey had touched her. Not out of fear. There was almost a sense of reverence coming through the connection and something else she couldn't quite identify. Familiarity? She looked up at Rey and said something in her own language that was very clearly thank you. Rey helped her to her feet and handed her the staff.
"The building's fine I promise!" she said and banged on the wall a few times with her hand for emphasis. The Lenai nodded emphatically and let out a grunting laugh pantomiming hitting the wall herself with her staff.
"Yes I know." Rey smiled back "I will not break a single, solitary stone I swear."
The Lenai chuckled again and reached to take Rey's hand again. Rey knelt down beside her and let the little woman turn her hand over and over as if she was trying to find the source of the power that had healed her. She murmured to herself and patted Rey's hand then her own forehead. Then she reached down and raised the hem of her dress and stuck out one of her birdlike feet. Rey could see a small scar snaking up the ankle, almost invisible. It had clearly been a deep cut but it had healed cleanly. The Lenai put her hand on the scar and patted it again.
"Did someone heal this?" Rey asked her as she touched the scar gently. "Someone like me?"
The Lenai nodded and chuckled again then launched into an incomprehensible and clearly frequently retold description of the accident and subsequent healing of her leg. Rey listened attentively and watched as the Lenai pantomimed what looked like a very dramatic fall from a cliff and a life threatening injury that had, if her panting and gasping was to be believed, brought her to the very brink of death.
"That was not at all what happened."
Rey was on her feet in the space of a heartbeat. She waited for the sound of a saber igniting, for the heat of his anger to wash over her. But it did not come. She could not bring herself to turn around, to look at the mask or worse, the scar.
"She tripped over a rock while she and her sisters were gathering eggs. Their legs are weaker than ours. I found her when the others went for help."
The Lenai woman let out a surprised but obviously very happy exclamation and waddled on her birdlike legs past Rey to the person standing behind her.
When she did finally bring herself to turn around he was kneeling on the ground as she had been a moment before and embracing the Lenai. The caretaker was holding his face fondly between her hands. She patted his cheek gently and made another hissing noise as she traced the scar that ran down his face with one stubby finger.
"It is alright. It has healed. Like you." He told her. She clucked at him in matronly disapproval and shook a finger at him obviously not believing a word. He said something in her language that made her let out another croaking laugh and pat his cheek again. Then she sighed, knelt to retrieve her staff and with a froggy smile for Rey stomped off into the gathering darkness.
"She is an excellent cook. You will have something very nice for dinner I think." he said.
"Oh!" was all she could manage.
They stared at each other in silence. It was such a foreign feeling to not be overwhelmed by fear or that blinding rage, the need to hurt him. She had not realized how much she had longed to see him again. Just to know that he was alright. Like the loneliness that haunted her she had not known how much she had wanted him with her until he was here.
And he was very much here. Swathed in black robes as always but somehow not the towering figure of menace from her nightmares. His hair was longer. He was thinner, diminished. So tall but staring at the ground with hooded eyes that were shadowed with dark circles. There was something in his hand.
"I brought you this."
It was the other half of the Kyber crystal. Beautiful and broken as hers was. He held it out to her and she could see his hand trembling in its glow. Without hesitation, without a single second of worry for what it would mean or how it would end she reached out. She wrapped her fingers around his and felt the warmth of the crystal flare up.
She felt him then, felt his mind begin to open to her, and felt him reach out. Tentative and gentle, none of the cold implacability of his first attempts at probing her mind. No now he was asking her to come to him. Inviting her to see whatever lay beyond those lost eyes.
The desperate longing radiated off him like blasts of heat across a desert. She closed her eyes against the sorrow and the blinding need that twined and snaked around him, dark plumes of smoke around his gaunt, pale face. So much darkness. But not darkness fed and nurtured for years by Snoke. This was the desperate, wretched loneliness of a child with no one else to turn to. A boy barely more than a babe without the words to say what was wrong. A little boy sent away for something he'd never asked for. A young man who woke one night to find someone he loved ready to murder him for his power. A man grown who thought he had finally, finally found peace and purpose only to have it ripped away.
"I want you to understand." he whispered.
"I know."
She held his hand as the night closed in around them and this time they were not separated by light years. This time no one would come to shatter the bond. This time she would not let go.
