Title: Inspection
Rating: PG
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Team - gen
Genre: Parody
Summary: It's inspection time, and backstory inconsistencies are going to bite them in the ass.
Author's Note: So some of you were pretty keen to see this for all of the characters. Thus, by popular demand, I present to you:
* * *
Inspection
Part Two: Dr. Spencer Reid
Spencer Reid was not in possession of an office, and the interviews were not something that Swift wanted to conduct in the bullpen, apparently. He'd moved to the conference room, and Reid decided to give the man a few minutes before entering.
Swift had seemed flustered upon leaving Hotch's office, which made Reid relax slightly – he would no doubt be unsettled after experiencing a Hotchalanche.
Reid rapped his knuckles against wood, and, upon hearing the words 'Come in,' he pushed the door open.
'Paul Swift, Department of Continuity,' the man at the table introduced himself without looking up. 'Is that an FBI regulation haircut?'
Reid blinked twice. 'The FBI regulations in this particular universe are fictional,' he pointed out. 'My haircut is irrelevant to the storyline.'
'But it contributes to your credibility as a character.'
'You could say the same thing about the majority of female law enforcement officers – statistically speaking, a female character is more likely to wear her hair down, which, one could argue, is a significant safety concern. It's a creative decision, and by suggesting that I'm not allowed to wear my hair like this is discriminatory to my gender.'
There was a long, awkward pause.
'Three Ph. Ds?'
Reid nodded cheerfully, sitting in one of the numerous empty seats. 'Ph. Ds. In Chemistry, Engineering and Mathematics. Bachelor's Degrees in Psychology and Sociology.'
Swift clicked his pen, scribbling notes on his clipboard.
'And you're how old?'
'Twenty-eight.'
'Five degrees in the space of sixteen years, three of which were Ph. Ds. That's an impressive feat.' His tone was condescending, which Reid didn't appreciate in the slightest – he'd worked hard for his education, against all odds.
'I have an I.Q. of 187, I read 20,000 words per minute. Five degrees is not that unbelievable.'
'And yet I doubt any of your colleagues have more than two. Using a genius as an information dump seems like a lazy way of solving cases.'
'You might think that,' Reid said, 'But I'm consistently voted as the "Best Criminal Minds Character" in fan polls.'
'Non-statistical Internet polls,' argued Swift in reply. 'The demographics of which consist mostly of so-called fangirls, or women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five, many of whom also believe that you are engaging in sexual relationships with all of your colleagues, often simultaneously.'
'That's ridiculous,' Reid frowned. 'No relationships between team members are ever shown on screen.'
'It's irrelevant anyway,' Swift said finally. 'It's a matter for the Department of Shipping. I'd like to get back to your degrees, if that's alright.'
No, it's not alright, Reid felt like saying. This was an invasion of his – admittedly, fictional – privacy. 'Of course,' he said, with faux politeness.
'One small note of interest, first – your undergraduate degrees seem appropriate for your line of work, but then your post-graduate work suggests that you would be more suited to a science-based profession. Why did you make the decision to join the FBI?'
'I was approached by Agent Gideon, after I attended one of his seminars. And profiling is still a science-based profession. It just uses the science a little bit differently.'
Swift didn't seem to argue that point. Reid was only slightly disappointed – he had half a dozen examples prepared to give evidence to his point.
'You began your Psychology degree at twelve, upon completion of your high school education?'
'That's correct.'
'And you institutionalized your mother at eighteen?'
'Also correct.'
'Thus, you left your schizophrenic mother at home alone, while you went to study at the California Institute of Technology?'
For the first time in his life, Spencer Reid wasn't quite sure what to say. It was his backstory, but he'd never stopped to think about it logically – he was too busy making sure that his tie was sufficiently mussed.
Swift made a tutting noise, and wrote spent several minutes adding to his notes.
'Enough about your mother,' Swift said. 'I understand that it's a delicate subject matter.' Reid thought, perhaps, that the man was beginning to show some sympathy, but that thought was thrown out the window with his next statement.
'I'd like to talk about your father instead.'
'What do you mean?' Reid asked. He couldn't think of any of his father's actions that may have interfered with continuity, but then, it was within his characterization to think about his father as little as possible.
'In the episode Memoriam, William Reid gave his rationale for leaving as his inability to deal with the guilt surrounding the death of Riley Jenkins and Gary Brendan Michaels, when your were six years old. He left when you were ten years old. Four years seems a rather long time for this guilt to manifest itself.'
'I can't comment on his state of mind.'
Swift raised an eyebrow. 'You're a profiler – commenting on an individual's state of mind is your job. Furthermore, and I say this as a response to William Reid's characterization, it would take a heartless bastard to leave his ten-year-old son with a woman whom he knew to be severely ill.'
'Disappearing father figures is part of my characterization,' said Reid, almost bitterly – and his bitterness was not exactly directed towards Swift.
'And disappearing drug addictions, it seems.' Swift flipped the page on his clipboard, consulting the next point on his list. 'Apart from a few minor references in later seasons, your drug addiction disappears almost entirely, without mention of when, or, indeed, how you managed to overcome your addiction.'
'It occurred off-screen,' said Reid defensively – his Dilaudid addiction was not a particularly proud moment of his life, and he didn't care to have it brought up by someone like Paul Swift, who looked as though he'd never experienced the slightest amount of hardship.
'I see…And I have one final note to make, with regards to your inconsistent levels of genius. In early episodes, you show encyclopedic levels of pop culture with regards to fictional mediums, such as Star Trek, as well as some knowledge of the music industry, as evidenced by your reference to Siouxsie and the Banshees at the beginning of the season three episode, Tabula Rasa. However, in the season five episode The Performer, you are ignorant of perhaps the most widely advertised teen fiction of the last decade, have no knowledge of the classic novel, A Clockwork Orange, in addition to being dismissive of non-classical music. These two types of genius are significantly different to each other. Were you perhaps, abducted by a changeling that week?'
'If that's all,' Reid said, standing, purposefully ignoring the question. 'I have a scheduled re-read of In Search of Lost Time.'
'If you could send Agent Morgan in, it would be much appreciated,' Swift said, adding, after a pause. 'Not just from a continuity perspective, you really could do with a decent haircut.'
