TrekWars 2
The Ex-Lax Strikes Back
On the icy world of FruzenNots, our intrepid heroes had taken refuge. Princess Top'Heavy, recently rescued from the clutches of the Evil Darth Silik Carsick, was still thanking her rescuer, Hand Solo Tucker, captain of the transport vessel, Soor Uranus, by having constant and vigorous sex with him. Navigator Travis MaybeNot, often overlooked by everyone around him, was pleased to look after the pet, Port Hose, since one of MaybeNot's chief pleasures in life was to get crapped on, and Port Hose's only activity included peeing a lot. And Jon Quantum recently crowned himself the last of the great defenders of the GrabAss Galaxy, in a tribute to his recently dead tire salesman friend, Oh-BendMeOver Daniels.
Their idyllic, if chilly, peace did not last long. Shadowy Shower Guy had once more sent Darth Carsick out to retrieve Jon Quantum, believing him to be important to the whole of existence. Their base on FruzenNots shook with the impact of weapons fire as the heroes were suddenly surrounded by the Forces of Evil.
"For Crap's Sake, Solo! Put some pants on! We're being attacked out here!" Quantum shouted as he raced through the halls of their frozen base.
"I'm being attacked in here!" Solo shouted pitifully. He had to pull a pistol out of his pocket and aim it at his girl before Top'Heavy would give him back his pants and let him go to work. He still had to deal with her wandering hands as he tried to get his overworked engines to fire up one last time and get them out of this mess, but at least his balls weren't frozen anymore.
"I'll distract them while you take off!" Quantum shouted, racing out into the snow by himself.
"No need! I've got the ship working just fine now!" Hand Solo Tucker shouted. "She just needed a little tender loving care!"
"Tell me about it!" Top'Heavy smirked with a wayward hand and a warm smile.
"I'm the distraction!" Quantum insisted. "You just get away from here!"
Hand Solo might have protested further but many of Darth Carsick's minions were closing in on their location, so he just gunned the engines and took off into the sky.
On the ground, Quantum patted himself on the back for being so heroic, and then noticed that he had no transport to take him away from the firefight.
"Oh, Crap!" he moaned.
"You moaned?" A familiar voice was heard in his ear, and Quantum turned to find Oh-BendMeOver Daniels standing beside him and looking very much alive. And excited. "You want to sit in my lap now?"
"Not now, Daniels!" Quantum shouted. "I just helped my friends escape from Darth Carsick, but now I need a ride off the frozen world of FruzenNots!"
Oh-BendMeOver Daniels sighed with exasperation. "Should have been smart enough to stay on the ship," he muttered as he worked. "Go over that hillock," Daniels pointed. "There's a ship there. It will take you to an Oh-BendMeOver Master, who will teach you the ways of the Farce."
"How did you get a ship here? I thought you were dead?" Quantum scratched his apelike head.
"I did some time-traveling in my youth," Daniels sighed. "I knew you'd need it."
"Cool!" Quantum pretended to be a hunk of rock when Darth Carsick flew over head, and when the Forces of Evil were gone, he climbed the hillock and found a small transport waiting. The ship took him directly to the swampy world of Soggy Bottom, where Quantum found another Oh-BendMeOver Master waiting.
"Cheery-oh! I am Stiff UpperLip, Oh-BendMeOver Master, and I hear you need a teacher," said the short, dark-haired, elf-eared humanoid. "But you can call me Stinky."
"Daniels sent me a message through time!" Quantum agreed happily.
Stinky sighed. "He's always showing off. What a ponce! Let's get to work." Stiff Upper Lip spent the next twenty minutes teaching Jon Quantum the ways of the Farce. When they stopped, Quantum asked why. "It's tea-time, you heathen," Scoffed Stinky as he prissily lifted his pinkie finger and sipped his leafy brew. "Every well-bred man raised on Briton enjoys the manly art of tea ceremonies, so why don't you have a cup? It's made from the coca plant and it's very powerful."
Quantum settled in to have tea with Stiff UpperLip but once the tea was finished, he got the munchies and then they both got very giggly and tried to describe the hallucinations they were having and there may have been some very manly touching and lap-sitting, but neither one claimed to remember that part in the morning.
In the morning, as they settled in with their hangovers, Stiff UpperLip looked at Quantum. "You do not know all you need to know to get by as an Oh-BendMeOver Master. You should remain here with me. We can have some more tea!"
Quantum frowned. "Look, the tea was great, but I need to get back to my friends and fight the Forces of Evil. It is my Density."
Stinky watched Quantum settle into his cockpit and take off, muttering under his breath, "The word is Destiny, you idiot! May the Great Bird help us all with that twit in charge!" Stinky settled in with a nice cuppa to steady his nerves.
Meanwhile, back on the Soor Uranus, Top'Heavy was out of birth control. "We have to stop and get some more, so I can go on thanking you properly," she told Hand Solo.
Hand Solo blanched. He wasn't sure how much more 'thanking' he could survive. But she was as her name implied, top-heavy, and there was no man in the GrabAss Galaxy who could resist a big pair of boobs, so he made to pull over at his favorite Gas-N-Go.
They were met by a beautiful woman with dark hair. "I am Empress She-Ho," she announced. "Hand Solo and I were once lovers, but a bad sexual experience led us on different paths. Please come aboard my Gas-N-Go and refresh yourselves while I call in a favor with Darth Carsickā¦er, I mean Dark Cassock," she covered hastily. "He's a priest. Very holy man. Likes little boys. I've said too much."
Princess Top'Heavy immediately disliked her. "What does it say about our relationship that at the first opportunity you bring me here to meet her?" she asked Hand Solo.
"Baby! Princess!" Hand Solo soothed. "Rich Princess! I might have had sex with her, but I have only made love to you!"
Top'Heavy was soothed. She got a new outfit and made Hand Solo buy her lots of birth control. They were admiring their purchases when the door opened and Darth Carsick entered emitting an odor of vomit.
"I will take you both to my lord and master, Shadowy Shower Guy!" Darth Carsick smirked. "Your friend Jon Quantum will come to rescue you and my plan will be complete!"
She-Ho protested. "Our deal was for Quantum and Top'Heavy! You were going to leave Hand Solo here with me!"
"I am altering our deal!" Carsick slimed. "Pray I do not alter it further!"
Hand Solo, Top'Heavy, Empress She-Ho and Port Hose were escorted out an airlock and into Darth Carsick's torture chamber aboard his ship, the Vomit Comet. Top'Heavy was very scared and she clung to Hand Solo's manly package. Many of the guards were jealous that they were not allowed to touch Hand Solo's package, and a fight broke out. She-Ho nearly got her hand on a pistol but Darth Carsick arrived as he finished his phone call to Shadowy Shower Guy and restored order. Hand Solo was tossed into the Deep Poop Pit, where he pleaded for leniency through his closed nostrils.
"The Poop Pit will close around him," Carsick told them. "If we turn off the heating pads, he will be frozen in Poop forever!"
"No, please don't touch his manly package!" Top'Heavy pleaded. "I offer myself to you in his place!"
Darth Carsick scoffed. "You are not my type, Big Boobs!" He received a call on his cell phone and had to step out of his torture chamber to answer it; Reception in the torture chamber sucked. He was pleased to hear that Jon Quantum had arrived and was on his way to rescue his friends in the Deep Poop Pit. He ordered the guards to hide and be quiet; one of the guards shut off the heater so that the sound of the engine would not give them away.
The chill in the Deep Poop Pit instantly turned Hand Solo Tucker into a Southern Tapestry. Top'Heavy wept.
Someone touched her elbow. She looked up and found Navigator Travis MaybeNot standing next to her. "Where did you come from?" she asked through her tears.
"I've been here the whole time!" he retorted with an eye roll. "Luckily, since nobody notices me, I've managed to steal a pistol, have some lunch, make a music video and open up a secret passageway to a ship outside. Let's go!"
Top'Heavy studied the virile young man with interest. "Is it true that once you go Nav, you never go back?" she cooed.
Navigator MaybeNot smiled widely and nodded. He helped Top'Heavy and She-Ho escape. Port Hose, who had been chewing on temporal time conduits, peed on the Southern Tapestry formerly known as Hand Solo Tucker. The temporal signature would mark the item, and allow them to locate their friend at a later date.
Oh-BendMeOver Jon Quantum snuck inside the spaceship station. He followed the signs indicating "Hostage Processing: This Way" and "Just a Little Bit Further for Hostage Rescue" and "No This Isn't a Trick" through the Gas-N-Go and straight into the Vomit Comet's torture chamber. There stood a lone figure: Darth Carsick.
"We meet again, for the first time, for the last time," Jon Quantum said nobly.
"There is something you should know," Darth Carsick began. "Before you escaped me on FruzenNots, I vomited in your transport."
"I thought I smelled something funny," Quantum nodded knowingly. "Let's get it on."
Both masters brought forth the power of the Farce. Each pretended to have a deadly weapon in hand, and waited to see what the other would say.
"I see your Swatch is as big as mine," Carsick nodded approvingly as he recognized the timepiece on Quantum's hand.
"I got this from Stinky UpperLip's Soggy Bottom," Quantum announced smugly.
"NOOOOOO!" cried out Darth Carsick. "We were former lovers! He promised that Swatch to ME!"
"Hah! I drew first bluff!" Quantum celebrated.
"D'oh!" Darth Carsick retaliated. "Quantum, I am your father!"
"Nuh-uh!" Quantum denied. "My daddy's dead! It's the source of my power!"
"Aha!" Darth Carsick called out in victory. "Your father is not dead! I know where he is!"
"No! NO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" Quantum backed away from Darth Carsick and fell down a wet shaft in the Deep Poop Pit.
Darth Carsick cackled in victory before hitting the lever and flushing Quantum out of his ship. Only after Quantum stopped screaming did Carsick remember that he was supposed to turn Quantum over to Shadowy Shower Guy because he might be important to the whole of existence. "Ooops!"
Carsick wondered if it was too late to get a plumber out to snake the drain. Of course, at this hour and in this far out region of space, the house call would be ridiculously expensive and plumbers were union and no longer offered Darths a discount. Carsick sighed. It was going to be an expensive toilet douche.
Speaking of douches, Quantum screamed as he fell down the toilet drain from the Deep Poop Pit. It was only by sheer luck that he was able to crawl up the pipe that was currently being used to empty the contents of the chemical toilets on board the Soor Uranus. He climbed out of the lavatory on the primary deck and stumbled out into the hallway where Navigator MaybeNot was caught in a tangle between She-Ho and Top'Heavy. They'd been killing time by having sex while performing a toilet purge while they waited for the opportune moment to make their getaway. Port Hose took one sniff of Quantum's leg and peed all over him.
"We have to get out of here now!" he gasped.
"You can sense Darth Carsick's presence?" She-Ho inquired.
"No, I can smell vomit!" Quantum shouted.
The trio looked at each other and clearly thought that Quantum might just be catching a whiff of himself, but they took their places in the cock pit and took off. Flying all night long they managed to evade the Forces of Evil once more.
Now all they had to do was find Hand Solo Tucker and return him to the bosom of those that loved him. It was just a question of who that might be.
Top'Heavy and She-Ho glared at each other over the thrusting of their bosoms.
To Be Continued: After everyone has had a long stint in the Decon Chamber, though preferably not together.
