Yes, this is out later than intended. Is it still out within the month, hell yeah it is. That being said sit back and enjoy The Drinking Lord of the Normandy by Starspike7... ROAD HOUSE!

Garrus shook his head, "No way am I having a drinking war with Zaeed."

The ladies all began to giggle to one another until Kasumi whispered something and quieted them down. The she stepped forward and spoke, "Okay, we came up with a solution. Whoever drinks the most gets a kiss from Shepard."

"Kasumi," Shepard gawked with happy surprise.

Zaeed took a seat at the ship's mess table and set a cup down in front of him, "Well, I ain't one for sentimental value but I want to see the look on Garrus' face when I kiss his girl."

Garrus rolled his eyes, "Please, I'm not being bated into drinking myself into a two day hangover for a kiss."

Another chair was pulled out and Jacob took the seat, "Count me in, only to show up Zaeed."

Zaeed put his hands behind his head and laughed to himself at Jacob's remark. Garrus looked around the room and saw Mordin holding back Chakwas from stepping in and stopping the whole thing. Jacob cracked his knuckles in anticipation. Everyone was waiting for Garrus to sit and get in on it but he didn't move.

Everyone was quiet for several seconds until Jack sat down with her mug, "I can't let you fuckers have all the fun. Plus, with Vakarian being a complete wuss, someone has to step up."

For some reason, Jack's comment got to Garrus and he had had enough. Garrus marched over to the kitchen and pulled a mug for himself out of the cupboard and made sure to sit down at the head of the table. Garrus slammed his mug down and everyone saw the fire in his eyes.

"I'm in; just don't bitch tomorrow when you wake up under the table."

Everyone made a mock cheer; even Zaeed pounded the table in approval. This only helped make Garrus angrier and he gave an annoyed smile to them all. The look in his eyes showed nothing but crazy determination.

Shepard waved over to Gardner and he began preparing a swarm of drinks. Garrus and the others began eyeing each other. Garrus saw Jacob going down in 5, maybe 8. Jack would be out at near 9. His real competition would be Zaeed, the bastard was old with a lifetime of drinking behind him.

Miranda came from the kitchen holding the first bottle. She poured everyone but Garrus a glass. Then Shepard came with the dextro alcohol and poured him a glass. Jacob began inspecting his alcohol while everyone waited for the go. Zaeed caught him and spoke first.

"This is heavy drinking boy. Not a wine tasting."

Jacob sat his glass down and crossed his arms, "Shows what you know, a guy almost got me to drink Dextro alcohol once. Since that I check all my drinks."

Jack laughed, "If you're tough enough, nothing will kill you."

Garrus decided to get his two cents in and drop their morale, "Yeah, I remember a Krogan daring me to drink Levo alcohol. Needless to say, I did end up seeing it come back up. Then I dared him to do the same with Dextro, they were mopping him up in a bucket before an hour had passed."

Jack laughed but it wasn't her cocky laugh, it was more of a laugh you did when you were nervous. Garrus picked his glass up and made a toasting motion toward Jack and Jacob. Then, he downed the entire glass in one gulp.

Jacob and Jack quickly picked their glasses up and downed them like they were in a race. Zaeed on the other hand drank his in long slow gulps. When he was done he looked at everyone and then over to Shepard.

"I hope you like to enjoy the little things cause I like to enjoy every second of life."

Shepard gave a scared laugh and refilled Garrus's glass. Once his glass was full Miranda went around and filled everyone's up again. Everyone downed their glasses as soon as there were poured and were already for their next round Shepard was only pouring for one so she still had a whole bottle but the levos needed a new bottle.

Thane brought the bottle up and poured Zaeed a new glass. Thane then poured a glass for Jacob, Jacob thanked Thane and waved him off when his glass was full enough. Thane then moved around Jacob and began pouring Jack a glass.

Jack smacked Thanes ass and spoke, "Thanks waiter, now how's about you give me a kiss."

Thane's eyes got wide in surprise and disgust then went back to normal, "No thank you Jack. After all, if I did you would begin to hallucinate. My body fluids are narcotics for your species."

Jack grabbed Thane by the shoulder and tried to kiss him, "C'mon Krios, just one kiss."

Zaeed had already finished his glass and gotten tired of Jack, "If you're so damn eager to get high, why not just have him spit in your glass?"

Jack smacked Thane on the back, "Yeah, do that Krios. Let's see it."

Thane closed his eyes and recomposed himself, he took a deep breath and then leaned over and hocked one into Jack's glass. Jack took it and swished the glass around and drank it all. She then sat back in her seat like nothing had happened and looked good doing it. At least, that's what she thought.

In reality Jack took the drink and began to foam at the mouth and snot shot from her gasping nose. Her eyes grew wide and her pulps dilated. Jack began violently convulsing and shivering until she fell to the floor and passed out. Chakwas immediately ran over and began checking her.

Zaeed had a smug smile on his face, "What's wrong doc? Don't tell me it was the liquor."

Chakwas shot Zaeed a glare and then scanned Jack with her omnitool, "Jack may be suffering from an allergic reaction to the Drell fluids. I need to get her in the medbay now."

Without another word Ken and Gabby stepped over from the group of people watching it and grabbed Jack. They all hauled her into the medbay and went out of site. Immediately Garrus shot Zaeed a look.

"This isn't over, is it Zaeed?"

Zaeed smiled and held his glass up, "Not 'til I'm macking on your girl Vakarian."

Garrus gripped his glass a little tighter. He wasn't going to let the old fart win. He was Garrus "Archangel" Vakarian. Nobody, not even the slime veteran of Omega can beat him.

Shepard poured him another glass and Thane did the same for Jacob and Zaeed. As soon as Garrus's glass was full he downed it before Thane even poured all of Jacob's glass. Zaeed raised an eyebrow, knowing he got under Garrus's skin; or better to say plates. Once Thane finished his glass he toasted to Garrus and drank his drink slowly.

Garrus wanted this to be over already, not because he didn't want to drink but he had something for someone that he didn't want to wait for. Garrus thought to himself and went into an autopilot as the drinks just continued to come.

They hit 10 and Jacob was still in the contest. Garrus had to give the guy props for staying in this long but it made him curse himself for underestimating him. Garrus had to get the guy out along with Zaeed. There was only one way to do it.

"What do you say we go into a lightening round from here? First to ten drinks wins."

Jacob smiled, "I'm in."

Zaeed pointed over to Jacob, "What he said."

Garrus raised an eyebrow to Zaeed, the old man was already having troubles. Garrus began to get confused. Sure he messed up with Jacob but Zaeed too. That was unacceptable, as a sniper he needed to be able to know his opponent at a glance. 0 for two was just unacceptable.

Garrus looked down and saw three full glasses in front of him. He had spent too much time thinking to himself. The lightening round had already started. Garrus quickly picked up his first drink and began drinking.

Garrus finished it and set the glass upside down on the table and picked up his next one. Garrus began guzzling the drink in a panic. He did not want to lose this, even if it kills him. Garrus finished his second glass and did the same as he did with the first.

Garrus just continued to down glasses, fighting the urge to look at James and Zaeed's progress. Garrus just drank and focused on the crowd around him. He heard people cheering his name and some yelling curses at him too. He must be upsetting some betters for sure.

Garrus got to his fifth glass and he lost his ability to hear. At this point he had become a machine just continuing to drink took all of his concentration. The quiet didn't stop him or mess him up. He could completely focus in the quiet; it was his saving grace in the lightening round. He was able to keep telling himself that Jacob was ahead of him and he needed to catch up.

Garrus didn't even flip the glass over this time. He just threw it off to the side and grabbed the next drink. He went from big gulps to short stuttered gulps and knew he was almost done but he just pushed himself. He finished his sixth glass and threw it too.

His seventh glass tasted blander then the last one and he realized that he had lost his ability to taste. Garrus realized that he was literally killing himself. He couldn't hear or taste, he would have to pray that his body held out till the drinks ran out. With that though, Garrus let his seventh glass just fall and he grabbed his eighth and continued.

Garrus drank his eighth drink as fast as possible. He felt something splash on him but that made him drink faster. Garrus felt his fingers going numb and soon he couldn't feel the glass in his hand. Garrus knew there wasn't anything left to drink when he gulped and felt nothing go down.

Garrus dropped the glass to the side and grabbed drink number nine. At this point Garrus couldn't feel anything and he had to open his eyes and rely on sight. He watched the glass go down until it got to the bottom. Garrus dropped that glass and picked up his tenth.

Garrus began drinking the final drink, but it felt like a two litter bottle rather than a glass. Garrus swallowed gulp after gulp and his eyesight slowly darkened but he didn't stop. Slowly, dark circles creeped from the side of his eyes toward his pulps. With every drink Garrus took the circles moved closer. Garrus took one last long gulp and managed not to lose his eyesight.

Garrus breathed a sigh and held the glass in front of him. He flipped it over and placed it top down on the table. As soon as it happened Garrus saw movement all around his now blurring vision. He figured that he must have won and gave a smile of triumph.

Garrus began slipping away with that smile. He gladly welcomed a coma after what he just went through. Slowly he began to drift off and go to sleep.

Suddenly, his peace was interrupted by a slap to the back. Garrus immediately regained all of his senses and got a good look at what happened. He saw Zaeed passed out with six empty glasses in front of him. Garrus then let his eyes drift over to Jacob who was the same as Zaeed with seven empty glasses.

Garrus smiled at how things had turned out, and then he realized he won. Garrus got up and stumbled over to Shepard who was laughing with the other women. He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around. Without a word Garrus brought her in close and planted one right on her lips.

The crew whooped and hollered at Garrus's success. He let Shepard go and raised his hands up in triumph. He was the undisputed heavy drinker of the Normandy.

Now at this point Garrus would tell me to stop and put a gun to my head if I went any farther. Only thing is, Garrus isn't here. So the story continues.

Garrus enjoyed the cheers of the crew as he stood there. Garrus let his hands fall to the side as he began to walk when his body gave out. His legs shook and his knees caved. He fell forward only to be caught by Grunt who happened to be nearby.

Grunt raised an eyebrow at Garrus, "Grow a quad Garrus, I drink more than that in the morning."

Garrus opened his mouth to retort but instead felt stomach fluids come up in the place of words. He covered Grunt in partially digested food and alcohol, then went limp. Grunt got angry and got ready to throw Garrus across the room but slipped on the stomach fluids and fell to the floor.

I hope you enjoyed the greatest tale of all, The Tale of The Drinking Lord of the Normandy.