The one that got away

Chapter 1

Miramar, California 1994

Pete "Maverick" Mitchell tapped his fingers impatiently against his desk, not knowing what to think, or feel for that matter. Suddenly he was sweating, muscles coiling with a heady combination of excitement and anxiety, his flight suit feeling several numbers too small.

The transfer papers were on his desk, patiently awaiting his signature. He swallowed, gripping the edge of a chair for support, knuckles whitening.

"Pull yourself together Mav!" He hissed under his breath at himself, eyes yet again drifting over to the folder resting on his desk.

This was unbelievable, he hadn´t seen the guy in years, and yet the mere mention of his name was enough to induce a panic attack. Kazansky, Tom "Iceman" Kazansky. He grabbed the papers with unsteady hands, quickly rifling through them for what had to be the thousandth time.

Shot down, every fighter pilots nightmare. Ice had been shot down over the Persian gulf, lost his wingman. Unwelcome memories flooded his mind, and he struggled to push them away. Don´t go there he told himself, don´t fucking go there. Even now, after 8 years, he still remembered every glaring detail of the accident that had ultimately ended up causing Goose´s death. The smell of burning metal, the crunch when Goose´s body hit the canopy, it was burned into his mind forever. A constant reminder of something he´d rather just forget.

He sighted, glanced down at the folder again.

According to Kazansky´s CO he wouldn´t be able to fly for at least 6 months. Mav had not gotten the specifics but he was under the impression that Ice had been hurt pretty badly. Well, Top Gun is always guaranteed a teaching position, should he want one, Mav reflected somewhat ruefully. It seemed Iceman had requested a temporary transfer until he was cleared for active duty, and Maverick didn´t really know how he was supposed to feel about it.

After Vipers retirement a couple of years back he had been in charge of Top Gun, something he was now surprisingly comfortable with. And he knew for certain that he was doing a damn good job of it. He had a great team under his command, he enjoyed teaching, he got to fly on a regular basis. Being in charge of Top Gun was a good gig, a real good one.

For Ice to come here…..it would disrupt everything. Screw up the dynamic.

Screw him up.

8 years, 8 fucking years.

He closed his eyes, unable to supress the memory of Ice´s trademark smirk and sharp gaze from that first day of class. At the time he had already known for a while that he was bisexual, and the moment he locked eyes with Tom "Iceman" Kazansky he had fallen so hard he didn´t know what hit him.

He had been tempted to act on it god knows how many times, but there was always something that got in the way. Be it Charlie, Slider or his own fear of rejection. Their rivalry had served to complicate things even further, and after Goose´s death…..well, it had taken him the better part of a year to pull himself together and get his own life under control. By then Iceman was long gone, deployed somewhere off the coast of Turkey.

Maverick awkwardly rubbed his temples in a feeble attempt at supressing a headache.

Ice was returning, and that represented a number of interesting possibilities. Sleeping with a co-worker was a terrible idea, he knew that. Hell, he didn´t even know whether Iceman was interested in men to begin with.

Back in Top Gun he had been under the impression that Ice didn´t really care either way as long as the sex was great. Then again Slider had spent the majority of the five weeks trying to get into Ice´s pants without much success. Which left Maverick pretty much at a loss.

Part of him felt crazy for thinking about this, Iceman wasn´t even here yet.

Still, if the past 8 years had taught him anything it was that he had two major regrets in his life. One being Goose´s death, the other letting Ice leave. He should have tried to talk to him, see if there was something more there.

Because he knew there was something there. The heated glares, the strangling tension that constantly seemed to ignite sparks between them whenever they looked at each other. The fights, the heady adrenaline rushed confrontations in the locker room. Yes, Maverick knew there was something there, he just didn´t know quite what that something was.

What he did know on the other hand, what he had come to realize, was that his feelings for Ice were more than a schoolboy crush. They had not seen or heard from each other since Top Gun, 8 years. And yet he couldn´t forget the other man, couldn´t stop thinking about him, wondering what he would look like now, in his early thirties.

As Goose would have said; Ice was the one that got away.

...


...

On Thursday He left Top Gun early, headed for the airport. Typically enough you could count on Iceman to resurface at the worst possible time. Maverick was on his way to pick up his son, who would stay over the weekend. Kazansky was due to arrive sometime tomorrow, and Mav´s nerves were in shambles.

He and Charlie never married, but they had a son together, Nick who would turn 6 this year, named after Goose of course. Maverick loved the little bugger to death, but he´d admit that things had been difficult after he and Charlie split up three years ago. She was working at the Pentagon, some high clearance intelligence shit. Nick stayed with her most of the time, only coming to be with Mav a long weekend every second month. Needless to say Charlie absolutely resented sending him away to visit. He was already trying to work out how to handle the inevitable phone call a half hour from now, where he would have to assure her that yes, of course he had remembered to pick Nick up at the airport, and no, he wouldn´t even dream about serving microwave pizza for dinner.

Nick came sprinting the moment he spotted Mav, who greeted him with a bone crushing hug.

"We are having pizza for dinner right?!" He exclaimed, jumping excitedly up and down as Maverick grabbed his luggage from the flight attendant.

"Well…"

Nick looked at him, face lighting up in an infectious grin.

"I promise I won´t tell mum!"

Mav burst out laughing, the tension from earlier dissipating in an instant.

...


...

Friday arrived much sooner than Maverick would have liked. He had dropped Nick off with old Mrs. Denham next door who would watch him for a few hours. Mav was only working till lunch, but still, part of him felt bad. He could have taken the whole day, he was the boss after all. Jester would have been happy to cover for him.

But no, he had chosen not to.

Because of Kazansky, because Iceman would arrive in about an hour and somehow he just couldn´t wait till Monday to see him. It was ridiculous really, that he was ditching his son just to go and see Ice.

He steeled himself, strolled into his office expecting to have at least a half hour slouching in his chair and sipping scorching hot coffee before he would have to pull himself together.

Instead he froze in the door opening, on the verge of having a coronary.

Kazansky was standing back facing him, looking forlornly out the window at the melting tarmac. Outside the morning sun was causing the air to ripple with heat as the flight crews hurried to prepare the jets for the next hop.

Maverick cleared his throat, struggling to keep his cool as Iceman turned abruptly, grabbing the windowsill for support. A couple crutches were leaned against the wall next to him, and he was avoiding putting weight on his left leg. Sharp icy eyes found his, expression carefully neutral as they sized each other up.

Damn he looked good.

He hadn´t aged a day. Mav thought he looked even better now than eight years ago. Still blond, tall and athletic, just a tad broader in the shoulders, his features slightly more mature. He was a total heartbreaker, just like back in 86.

"Mitchell", he rasped, a slight smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Gah, those lips…..

"Kazansky" he responded, voice surprisingly even.

"Thanks for having me", Ice said at length, voice low, bordering on hesitant.

They looked at each other, and Mav was starting to remember why he sometimes found the other man so unnerving. He could tell when Ice was pleased or when he was furious, but everything in between was a complete mystery. Currently those sharp eyes were watching his every move, cool and assessing.

"Coffee?" Mav questioned.

Ice nodded, and Mav handed him a cup. It became awkward when they both realized that he had problems keeping himself upright with only one arm on the windowsill and Mav clumsily handed him the crutches, putting both cups down on his desk as Ice wrestled himself into a chair.

The indifferent expression was now replaced by one Maverick knew all to well. Supressed irritation, bordering on aggression. 8 years ago they would have been in the locker room gearing up for a confrontation. It was that look, the one that drove Maverick crazy whenever he thought about it. Part rage part something else, something easily mistaken for sexual tension.

Ice pursed his lips in distaste, gaze fixed at him as Mav tried to distract himself by sipping his coffee. It was too hot, and it took all the willpower Maverick could muster to stop from coughing all over the place.

"It is good to have you back", Mav said.

"We have been short of good instructors here after Viper retired. Good to have someone with recent combat experience".

Ice sent him a look laced with a combination of disbelief and amusement.

"Thanks"

Mav just nodded. Could this whole thing get any more awkward?

"So how are you? Your CO told me you will be grounded for a while".

It was the wrong thing to say. Maverick just couldn´t help himself. Whenever Ice was around he seemed to loose every ounce of social intelligence he possessed. The other man stared at him, lips pressed into a hard line.

"6 months", he said, eyes darkening.

Then he fixed Maverick with one of those unnerving stares, eyes narrowing slightly. The message was clear, back off.

"How about you? Still with Blackwood?"

Something in his tone communicated that he already knew the answer, and Mav felt the familiar surge of rage, the need to do something, anything, to act on years of pent up tension and sexual frustration. No one pushed his buttons the way Ice did, and yet there was nothing he could say about it, because the fucker was too discrete.

He ground his teeth.

"No, we ended it a couple of years ago"

Ice looked at him, handsome features unreadable. "Jester said you have a kid", he stated.

"Yeah, Nick, he turns 6 next month".

"Nick, after Bradshaw".

Maverick simply nodded. "He is a good kid"

Ice watched him attentively, his face opening in a slow smile. Mav felt his knees turn to jelly in that same instant, and smiled back, the tense atmosphere dissipating.

"Jeez Mav, you grew up, never thought I´d see the day".

"Don´t worry, I´m still dangerous".

They both laughed. God, he was beautiful when he smiled, the icy exterior gone for only a moment. He felt privileged, like he was seeing a part of Ice that no one else knew about. That was only for him.

They lapsed into silence again, and on impulse Maverick caught his eyes, smiling.

"Hey, you wanna come over tonight? I have Nick this weekend, so we are ordering pizza"

Ice looked at him, clearly amused.

"Pizza…sure", he said, baring his teeth in a wolfish grin.

...


...

The pizza arrived at 7, and precisely 5 minutes later someone knocked on the door. Maverick opened to find Ice perched precariously on his porch, leaning heavily against the crutches.

He was in civics, dark jeans and a leather jacket over a plain grey t-shirt. Even his hair was messier than usual, ruffled by the light breeze outside. He looked smoking hot.

They nodded at each other, and Mav quickly sidestepped to let Ice past him.

"Nice place", Ice commented, sounding surprisingly sincere.

The dynamic was more relaxed, not as strained now that they were in a private setting. Or perhaps it was simply that they had gotten over that initial awkwardness.

"Thanks", Mav responded, leading the way into the kitchen.

"I bought it….a couple of years ago".

The words "after Charlie left" were hanging in the air, but Ice said nothing, simply inclined his head in an "I see gesture".

Maverick felt an abrupt stab of anxiousness when Nick came bounding down the stairs to greet them, and glanced discretely at Ice. After inviting him over earlier that day he had been debating weather or not he should leave Nick with Mrs. Denham, but the very moment the idea came to him he felt like the shittiest parent on the planet. Of course he couldn´t just ship Nick off to Mrs. Denham. They only had four days together every second month, and he was intending to make the most of that time, even with Ice there.

"Hi there", Ice said, giving Nick his best toothpaste commercial grin.

Nick stared at him, grinning back.

"You are very tall", he exclaimed, tilting his head back to look at Ice.

Maverick opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, at a loss of words.

"Yeah", Ice agreed, literally oozing smug satisfaction when he looked at Maverick.

Then Nick tugged at Ice´s jacket sleeve, and the two of them sat down next to each other by the kitchen table.

"Not fucking funny Kazansky!" Maverick insisted.

Ice just smirked, teeth gleaming.

"Watch your mouth Mitchell", he responded, sending Nick a meaningful glance.

Mav rolled his eyes and went to the fridge, grabbing a couple of beers for himself and Ice, coke for Nick. To Mavs surprise it turned out Ice was great with kids, or his kid anyway. The two of them talked like they had known each other for ages, and even when Nick started bugging him about the crutches Ice answered with the sort of patience you´d expect from an aging grandmother.

"Why do you need crutches?"

"I was in an accident".

"What kind of accident?"

"I am a pilot, our plane crashed".

"Did you crash the plane?"

"Well….sort of".

"Why did it crash?" Nick asked, totally engrossed in the conversation.

Ice paused, clearly debating whether or not to answer properly. Mav tensed as well, wondering if this was what Charlie referred to when she insisted that Mav´s home was not a suitable environment for a child. That Nick would grow up too fast if he stayed with Mav permanently.

"We had some engine trouble. But everything was okay in the end", Ice eventually replied, smiling reassuringly at Nick.

Engine trouble my ass Maverick reflected, albeit grateful that Ice had somehow managed to turn the hazards of aerial combat into "engine trouble" for Nick´s sake.

"I think it is time you go to bed little man", Mav interrupted them, sensing Ice´s relief.

Nick insisted on hugging Ice goodnight, and then Mav followed him upstairs to ensure that he actually went to bed. He had learned the hard way that kids rarely did what you told them in regards to things like brushing teeth and actually lying down to sleep. Charlie´s scolding from Nicks last visit was still fresh in his mind. He cringed at the memory.

He went downstairs again to find Ice leaning against the kitchen counter, helping himself to another beer. Judging from the tautness of his jaw and the tenseness in his arms as he held onto the counter he was having a hard time of it.

"Have a seat, I am the host remember", Mav said cheerfully, quickly approaching him.

His hospitality was rewarded with the death glare of the century.

"I am not an invalid Maverick", he snapped, clearly uncomfortable.

Mav just arched an eyebrow, offering an arm for support. How Ice had gotten to the fridge without his crutches in the first place was beyond him. They stared at each other, and Ice let out a slow breath before grabbing Mavericks arm, leaning heavily against him.

Mav couldn´t remember the last time they had been this close. He could smell Ice´s aftershave, hear his laboured breaths as he struggled to keep himself upright, Mavericks arm his only support. Long elegant fingers were digging into his shoulder, and their noses accidentally touched when Ice finally slumped down in his chair. There was a moment Maverick seriously considered making a move, cool blue eyes on his, Ice still holding tightly onto his arm. Their faces were only inches apart as the air seemed to charge with tension, Ice´s lips slightly parted. Then Ice accidentally bumped into the edge of the table, his face screwed up in a brief flash of pain, and the moment disappeared.

Not for the first time Mav wondered how serious his injury was, but he knew better than to ask. Perhaps he could call up Ice´s CO.

Maverick quickly sat down opposite him, his pants suddenly feeling very constricting. Part of him couldn´t quite fathom that 8 years had passed since he last saw Ice. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to want someone. Sure, he used to like Charlie, but he wanted Ice, wanted him so bad that he lost all sense when they were around each other. He realized that Charlie didn´t stand a chance in that equation, she never had. Perhaps that was the reason it didn´t work out between them, because deep down he had always desired someone else, someone Charlie had no way of living up to.

Ice shrugged out of his leather jacket, revealing a tight grey t-shirt underneath. They drank in silence for sometime, surprisingly comfortable in each others presence, everything considered.

"You keep in touch with the old crew from Top Gun?" Maverick asked at length, voice tentative.

"Slider calls every now and then".

Ice absently twirled the bottle between two fingers. Maverick was reminded about the pen he always messed around with during class in the old days.

"We were stationed together in Turkey for a while", he continued. "I don´t think combat was his thing. He left after a few months, last I heard he was working as a commercial pilot".

"Yeah", Maverick agreed, "This shit is not for everyone".

"You like it at Top Gun?" Ice questioned.

Mav shrugged, mulled it over for a while before he answered.

"It is a good gig. Sometimes I love it, occasionally I hate it. I don´t know. Things are different with Nick and all".

Ice nodded, gaze softening fractionally. "You have a responsibility", he stated.

They locked eyes, a silent moment of understanding passing between them. It was odd, that out of everyone the infamous Iceman was the one who got him, who realized what impact Nick´s presence had on his life.

"How about you, anyone waiting for you at home?" Mav asked, his heart rate increasing as he looked to Ice for an answer.

"No one worth mentioning", Ice responded nonchalantly, shrugging. "The life of a fighter pilot…it is not exactly compatible with having a family".

"Will you go back, when you are…feeling better?"

Ice looked at him, hesitation evident in his voice when he answered.

"Probably…I…..I feel like I am not quite finished". He gazed intensely at Maverick for a moment before looking away again. "I don´t wanna end things this way, by being shot down".

"You know you have nothing to prove right?" Mav insisted. "Besides there is no more space on your uniform for future medals".

Ice smiled, laughed low in his throat. "That how you gonna introduce me to the students on Monday?"

"You wish!"

Ice left a half hour later, saying that he was tired. Mav helped him down to his car even though he wasn´t allowed to do anything but hover around in the background as Ice positioned the crutches in the trunk and used his arms to hoist himself into the drivers seat.

"Thanks for having me", he said seriously.

"Always a pleasure", Mav responded, smiling. "I´ll see you on Monday".

Ice looked at him, his face splitting in a slow, charming smile. It was that smile, the one from the aircraft carrier all those years ago, when he had told Maverick he could be his wingman.

And then he was gone, leaving Mav standing in the street, heart pounding and his pants so tight it was becoming unbearable.

Tbc