Disclaimer: I don't own Hey Arnold, or anything else that I've mentioned.

Full Summary:: "So remember like two years ago when we agreed that if we were still alone at thirty we'd just...marry each other like that story you read and be done with it?" "Yeah...so?" "Well...in case you forgot last night, my birthday is today...big ole three-oh...or as you said...the dirty thirty." "Oh my God."

A/N: Well, I'm back. Pretty quickly too. Thank you to everybody who read, followed, favored and reviewed. It's always nice to hear your thoughts and nice and see the positive reaction to, well lets face it, an unpopular pairing on this site. I hope you guys enjoy the second installment of this story. Thanks again!


Should we?

Brian reached up and began rubbing the back of his neck with a timid like half smirk pulling his lips, "Admittedly, I probably shouldn't have rolled up to your house this early in the morning asking this ques—"

"—I thought we were kidding." Helga copped back on elevated whisper, finally breaking out of the mini-trance the whole encounter had rendered her into. It was literally the last thing she'd ever expected him to be inquiring about. Ever. Much less that morning.

"I thought we were too!" He defended, "But I started thinking about it last night and..."

Helga's free hand had wandered up and began rubbing the inner corners of her eyes as she started a long sigh, closing her lids, "This is absolutely insane."

"Is it though?"

His friends eyes darted open and her hand fell to her hip, "Yes. I think this has all the qualifiers."

Try as she might, it did little to convince him otherwise. Even with her exacerbated show. Crossing his arms he began peering at her with much more intent, "Do you really think that or are you just saying that because I ambushed you and you haven't had enough coffee this morning?"

While true to a certain to degree, his studious observation was of little amusement to the young...still only half away woman, so she defiantly pulled her coffee cup to her face and took a long, hard, loud, slurping sip before smartly replying with, "Mmm...delicious. Full Colombian. And it's still insane."

Brian sighed, "Can we at least...talk about it?"

At that, Helga thinned her eyes, taking her own turn at peering at him with a little more observation that previously. He appeared serious, and at the very least, unwilling to give up for some unknown reason. "Are...are you having a early midlife crisis?"

"Well if I am, it's only because you and Gerald did such a swell job at selling thirty to me last night..." Brian rolled his brown orbs.

"Hmm...yeah," Helga agreed, realizing that they may have gone a little overboard. That being said, she had a bowl of cornflakes with a sliced banana in it sitting on her counter, and getting soggier by the second, right next to her morning assortment of vitamins.

Brian shifted his weight to one foot, "I read that story you told me about. Last night. At least I think it was the same one."

"Okay?"

"Trust me, it still seems crazy to me too, but...they made it seem...not so bad."

Helga sighed, "So...you really think that we should just...throw all caution to the wind and...get married simply because were thirty and we agreed to do so, while having had too many drinks and because of a dumb story I read?"

Brian shrugged, "I mean...that and we're both single, failing miserably at our love lives, lonely...growing older..."

"Okay, okay," Helga silenced him with her hand. Last thing she needed was him trying to talk her into it with things she already knew to be true but hated admitting. She was starting to see a little of what he saw in the situation. A way out of the dumb cycle. "I mean...yeah, sure..." She causally shrugged one shoulder, "All of that stuff is true."

"Yeah. It is. That's why I said it."

It was still ridiculous, and she had to be the voice of reason. Had to be. Since he had abandoned all sanity, "But it's no basis for a marriage! No matter how...convenient and...and, relieving it may seem."

Her friend's eyes in turn, narrowed into thin slits, not in an aggressive of mean way, but in knowing manner. As if something had peeked his interest, "You're interested in this."

Helga scoffed, rolling her eyes and bringing her coffee to her lips as she tucked her other arm under her elevated elbow, "Please..."

"You are," He accused again, "I've known you long enough to know when you are at least remotely intrigued by something."

Yeah, she had to shut this down pronto, "Look, I'm going back inside, eating my breakfast, and finishing my much needed cup of caffeine here," She motioned into her house with her coffee cup, "I'm...meeting Pheebs in a few hours. I'll call you later about this."

"Are you su—"

"—Brian...go home..." She waved him off dismissively as she turned and walked back through her open door, leaving her friend high and dry outside.

"Alright..." He replied in an voice so low she wouldn't have been able to hear it as he watched her retreat, her door easing closed before he heard the click.

Well, that was that he supposed.


It was official, Helga thought, her friend was having some sort of early mid-life crisis, brought on by horror stories of aging. Which were overblown at best, but maybe it had given him a panicked complex. She sat down at the bar and began munching her cereal, still a little peeved about being interrupted, but surprised that her meal wasn't unreasonably soggy at that point. The whole thing was nuts! He was nuts. They couldn't just...get married because they were single...and lonely...and burnt out of dating.

Well...when it got put like that...

No!

It didn't work that way. It made a mockery of everybody out there who got married for normal reasons. Like love...and...the fact that they'd found somebody that didn't drive the bonkers, and definitely because they were meant to be together.

...Wasn't like she had anything else better going on though.

No!

There was absolutely no way she was going to let this whole idea even slightly entertain her.


Brian arrived back home to his condo, feeling a little more disappointed than he though he would, or should have been. After all, there had been about an eight-five percent chance that she would call it crazy, and shoot the absurd plan down. She had, and...well, rightfully so because it kind of was just that. Absurd.

Still though, a lingering part of him felt that she was being entirely too hasty in banishing the proposition. He didn't have an specifics because he'd showed up at her house all half-cocked, but deep down, he felt like it could probably actually work. This thought came, not from some deep down romantic interest in her that he was just now suddenly realizing. No. It came from the two of them being very practical people—for the most part—and maybe it made sense for them to join their practicalness and be done and shielded from all of everybody else's nonsense.

Of course, he figured there was at least a small part of her probably still hung up on Arnold, five years later. He shook his head, rolling his eyes very subtly. That was definitely one thing, he had yet to understand about her.

But, he had hope that, that nagging bit of interest that he caught in her voice, would bug her enough to bring her back to the table for discussion.

This could be a good thing for them.


Noon.

Helga and Phoebe met up for their monthly pedicure date. Something the petite raven haired woman had become increasingly fond of the more children she and Gerald had. Currently three with a pair of six month old twins running the house. Needless to say, she looked forward to her time away.

Her friend was laid back in the chair, looking like she needed a pair of cucumbers placed over her closed eyes and a mimosa in the other hand. For a moment, Helga thought that she might have actually fallen asleep until she asked, "So...how's the semester so far?"

"I've had four grannies tragically pass away since semester start," Helga stated, referencing the student emails she'd aready recieved about why they would be out for a few days.

"Seven thirty class? Isn't that a record?"

"Sure is," Helga chuckled, "I'm thinking about moving that class to nine instead. I feel like I might save lives by doing that."

"You have to think of all those poor grandmothers," Phoebe agreed with a chortle.

"What about you? Had any fun things happen at the office?"

In addition to having all of those kids running around, Phoebe had recently struck out on her own and opened up her own dentistry practice about a year prior. Call Helga a gluten for abuse, but she just loved hearing the grotesque stories of crap her friend found in peoples mouths.

It could be gnarly.

"Oh you know..." Phoebe began, not bothering to open her eyes as she talked, "A patients tooth fell out in the waiting room yesterday."

"Nice."

"He asked if we could put it back in for him." Helga snorted as her friend sighed, "I had to explain to him that that's not how teeth work."

"Yeah, let me just screw that right back in for you bud," The blonde chuckled.

"Other than that, just a little shorthanded since one of the hygienist is out."

"Sick?"

"Honeymoon."

"Right," Helga rolled her eyes.


That night.

'Are you home?' Brian read the text from Helga on his phone.

'Yeah.'

Barely a moment passed after he replied back before his doorbell droned, eliciting a curious eyebrow raise from him as he looked towards it. Giving his phone one last glance, he pocketed it as he walked over and pulled open the entryway a little slowly.

Helga.

There she was, standing there with some sort of decently sized white board tucked underneath one of her arms and a bottle of wine clutched in the other hand, "Sorry for just showing up, but you kind of did it to me this morning...so...not sorry?"

Brian chuckled and moved aside to let her in as he re-pocketed his phone, "What's with the white board though?

"We're going to make a list," She sat the board down on his couch before walking off to his kitchen in search of the bottle opener. It probably seemed a little forward of her, just to go rooting through his cabinets and all, but she'd been to his house a million times, as with all their other friend's dwellings, and by that point, just knew were he kept things.

He followed her, giving the white board a fleeting glance, "You want to make a list? Of what?"

Helga looked up from the drawer she had just ushered open, "The pros and cons. You know," She pulled out the bottle opener and began twisting the screw into the cork, "So we can actually see what we'd gain, practically, compared to what we'd lose."

A beaming smile broke out across the young man's face. "So you are interested in the idea then?" He knew it.

Helga rolled her eyes, "I'm entertaining you. Mostly because it's Saturday night and I'm bored."

"Whatever. Let me get that," He insisted, walking up and taking the wine opening task from her. She gladly handed it over and went to retrieve a couple of dusty-ass wine glasses out of his drink cabinet. It was fairly obvious to anybody looking in that he was not a wine lover like she was. He had no idea what a list would reveal, but he was more than excited that he had been right and that her faint curiosity had her anxious to see as well. Whether she wanted to admit it or not. Who brings a white board? "So, we're going to drink and make a list."

"Yep," She confirmed as she set two stemless glasses down on the counter, watching him effortlessly pop the cork and fill each one with a generous amount. Once he set the bottle back down, she took custody of one of the drinks and rounded the counter, back into his living area and proceeded to set up the board she'd bought for a game of charades that they'd had a million years ago.

Brian took possession of the remaining glass and followed her. "You're such a teacher," He teased.

"Alright, pro..." She drawled, writing the word at the top of the board, "And con..." She wrote it at the bottom, leaving enough space below each for plenty of things to be written. And she expected there would be...plenty. "So...hypothetically, if we got married, what sort of things would we benefit from?" She posed the question while handing him a black dry-erase pen. And yes, she was definitely a teacher...

She was totally having to fight her normal urge to do the professor pace, as she waited for an answer.

The pair were silent for a moment before Brian walked over, popping the cap on the marker in hand and wrote, 'One mortgage' in the Pro section. It was a practical ice breaker in his opinion. "We would live together so we could sell one of our homes."

Helga nodded, lips pulling downward in a manner that suggested she was impressed by his start. An obvious thing she hadn't thought of. It didn't go unnoticed to him, "Well, to go along with that..." She reached over and wrote 'More disposable income' underneath his, "If we are both jointly paying for one mortgage, we'd have more money to do things."

"Cha-ching." Brian teased.

"But, honestly we both could save money there by just getting roommates."

"True..." Brian trailed off before his eyes lit up in thought, hand darting out eagerly to write it down. 'Reduced income taxes' "We can file as a married couple and stop getting hosed by Uncle Sam. Can't do that with a roommate."

It was Helga's turn to chuckle a bit, "Actually..." She suddenly perked up a little herself, excited about something she'd just thought about to go along with it. "On a similar note: what do you pay a month for insurance?"

"Too much."

Helga dead-eyed him. "How much is too much?"

"Like three seventy-five a month just for myself."

"Wow."

"Told you. What do you pay?"

"A hundred bucks."

"You've got that good university insurance. I work for a small business."

"For like...fifty bucks more I could add a spouse."

Brian leaned over and wrote, 'Cheaper insurance' and again said, "Cha-ching," before looking back over at her, "Out of curiosity, what are you pulling a year over there anyway?" This warranted a weird look from her. Call her old fashioned, but discussing income, religion and politics were still considered taboo topics to her, and it floored her a bit that he was asking such a private question.

"That's a little personal don't you think?" She scolded while taking a sip of her wine.

It was Brian's turn to deadpan her, "We're making a pro and con list over whether or not to get married..."

Helga conceded his point with a shoulder roll and a sideways head tilt of a nod. Okay, she was being a little ridiculous in the grand scheme of ridiculous, "Fine..." In spite of agreeing, she still couldn't bring herself to say aloud her income. Instead she just lamely wrote a number on the board.

Brian smirked at her endearing oddness, "I don't know why you're so weird about it. You're doing well for yourself over there."

"Yeah, yeah. Alright, bucko, your turn. Cough it up," She pointed to the board with her marker. Brian happily wrote down his number next to hers, versus just telling her.

Purely to humor her.

"Hmm," She sat propped her elbow on her hit, holding her glass away, "I would have thought you made more," As it left her mouth she quickly realized that she'd probably just royally insulted him, which was the last thing she was actually trying to do. She simply had a preconceived notion about his career field that, apparently, wasn't grounded in any sort of facts. And her mouth had decided to express such. Regardless, she quickly began backpedaling, "I mean, you still make a lot more than me but...just surprising is all."

Thankfully he understood exactly what she was trying to say. 'Pilot' tended to be one of those career words that people filled in the blanks with everything TV had projected them as. "You're thinking of a commercial pilot. They're the ones making bank. I work for a private airport flying Cessna's."

"Oh."

"Yep. It's a little different."

"The more you know," Helga smiled at him, "Regardless, we'd be looking at a significant increase in extra money to do fun things."

"I like fun things."

"Assuming neither of us have any other crazy expenses."

"House and utilities and crap like that is all I've got."

"Me too. Well and my car," She then sighed, propping one hand on her hip, bringing her glass to her lips while staring at the board, "We can't just sit here and get starry eyes over the financial gain. There has to be other types of pros," She swallowed.

"Yeah..." Brian ran his hand over his short hair a few times, "You're right." He agreed before reaching over and writing, 'Helga cooks real food. Brian wouldn't have to eat out so much.'

"Wow..."

"What?" Brian snorted, "You asked for non-money related things."

"So you would gain food, and I would gain...?"

"Culinary fulfillment? A mouth to feed?" Helga rolled her eyes at him before reaching over and writing her own random pro on the board. Brian looked at it before chortling, "Brian can open up tight jars for Helga."

"You'll have to earn your food at least," Helga chided him smartly.

"I mean, fair enough," He agreed and reached out to scrawl, 'Permanent Netflix pal,' "So, I've got a million shows I want to watch, and nobody to watch them with."

"What's wrong with watching them alone?"

Brian deadpanned her as if she were stupid, "Because I like to discuss things, duh."

"Okay then..." Helga then scribbled, 'Instant G.O.T. discussion buddy always around'

Brian motioned to her sentence with an open palm and quirked an eyebrow at her, "See. How nice would that be. There wouldn't be any waiting until game nights to find out what everybody thinks about the latest episode—oh! You know how the rest of the gang are always doing those little double dates."

"Yeah."

"We'd get to participate in that. Regularly."

"Yeah true..." Helga tapped her index finger on her lips, "They have this whole other sub gang outside of our normal get togethers."

"Yep. So, I'm going to write this in the pro section, because it benefits me so...don't whine about it."

"Hey..." She teasingly glared at him as he wrote, 'Brian's parent's will finally shut up about him settling down.' She blinked at his chicken scratch before remarking, "It's lovely when parents leave you alone," She then wrote underneath his sentence, 'Helga's parents will continue not to care what she does.'

Brian leaned over, reading hers before giving her the side eye, "You know, many would consider that a con."

"Not if you grew up in my house."

A bit of silence nestled between them as he finished off his glass of wine. "We've got a lot of pros here."

"Yeah...a surprising amount."

"And no cons yet..."

"I've got one," She reached over and wrote, 'Could destroy friendship.' at the very bottom and underlined it for good measure.

Brian's eyebrows raised for a moment, "I mean...I don't really see how at this point."

"Really?" She gave him an incredulous stare, "Because I can think of a major way."

"Well please, do tell what this mysterious thing is that I'm failing to see."

Helga boredly rolled her eyes, and sighed, "Wow...I can't believe I have to be the one to point this out...to a man, no less," She leaned over and slowly wrote the word: 'Sex' with a question mark behind it off to the side of their list. She considered it a con, but didn't want to appear bias.

"Oh," Brian's voice trailed off, biting his lip as his eyes widened, "So...yeah that." Yep. He'd totally forgotten about such thing.

"Yeah, you know...what most normal couples do...and often. Especially when married. How do you forget that?"

"I don't know!" Brian countered rather lamely. He hadn't any good come back other than absent mindedness, "There was so much other practical stuff that I...just didn't even think about it."

"Pretty practical thing in general. In my humble opinion, anyway."

"Yes, I know. Thank you," He chided, walking over to the kitchen counter and refilling his wine glass, taking a solid sip, "This could get weird real quick," He admitted. God, how had he not even thought about that?

Helga sardonically snorted, "It's already weird."

"Don't take this the wrong way but..." He began as he grabbed the wine bottle, walked back over and sat it down on his coffee table, "I've never really had a romantic thought about you. Well I mean...not since I was like...nine or something anyway."

She waved him off. That wasn't insulting at all to her, "And I've never had one about you," She empathized, looking back at the board, "Which means this needs to go into the 'con' section." As she started wiping the letters away with her hand, he threw up his palm in a 'hold on there' type of gesture.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...never?"

His friend stopped her motion and slowly turned her head back towards him, raising her eyebrows before shaking her head, "No."

"You've never once...checked me out?"

"No."

"Not even while drunk?"

Helga finally huffed, "No. Why does it matter? You just told me the last time you checked me out was when we were kids! Which...I guess is why you were so creepy and got hit so much, but I don't think that even counts."

"Okay, yeah. You're right. It doesn't count because we were kids, but, at the risk of sounding...weird..."

"This couldn't get any weirder..."

"I do find you attractive."

"And there it is."

Brian rolled his eyes, "Really?"

Helga sighed, "I get what you're trying to say. I think..."

"I think you're attractive but, as far as adulthood, I've never looked at you in any other way than my friend."

"Got it," She gave him a one finger salute. This was getting super awkward, super fast.

"I have shamefully checked you out though. When drunk."

"Okay...well, thank you...I guess," Helga replied, pulling her wine glass to her lips and desperately hoping that the conversation would die there.

She couldn't be so lucky though.

Brian stood there for a moment, waiting for her to say more, but she herself just stood there and stared at him even more awkwardly before diverting her eyes back to the board, "Oh...I was actually expecting some sort of...secret revelation from you or something."

"Seriously?" She scoffed irritably before re-planting her eyes on him. He pathetically shrugged under her gaze, "Fine. Since you obviously aren't going to let it go. The whole dad bod thing...weirdly works on you. How's that?"

"It's because I'm tall. Which is all women secretly want anyway," He perked up with a playful smirk, finally dragging a much needed chortle out of her person, helping clear the air a bit.

"Uh huh."

"It is."

"I guess."

"You guess? Have you seen the guys you've dated?" He proceeded to call her out on her personal taste with a smirk, "Skyscrapers."

Yeah, okay, she did have a slight thing for taller men. But honestly, what girl didn't think it was crazy sexy? Yet, she got sucked into it, just like she knew he wanted her to, feeling the pressure to flatter his ego, "I mean if I didn't know you, whatsoever, I probably would check you out."

"That's it?"

Helga's face dropped, "What do you mean 'is that it'? What do you want? For me to tell you that I'd maybe take you home if I were bored and drunk enough too?"

"Ouch. So I'm the bored and drunk type," He laughed.

"Criminey..." She exhaled, utterly exhausted by the conversation at that point. And one-hundred percent because of him, "No it's just...you're a handsome guy, but I know you."

"Ah. You prefer to bang complete strangers then?"

Helga rolled her eyes, "No. And you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"Well duh. It's why I said it could be weird."

"And that's the problem! We're too good of friends."

"Agreed. I mean, I've pooped at your house before so...yeah, I'd say we're tight."

Helga narrowed her eyes at him, making to look back at the board,"The rest of this whole—" Suddenly feeling plagued by the remembrance of an odd incident from last fall, "I'm sorry, were you the one that wrecked my toilet on Halloween?" She whipped her head back around and stared at him with an accusatory glare.

Brian inhaled slowly, glancing away, about as guilty looking as he could possibly be and shrugged, "It's possible..." He admitted. He'd definitely destroyed her bathroom last Halloween. Un-apologetically too.

"Oh come on!" She flopped her arms, "I had to get a plumber!"

"I'm sorry!"

"You owe me like $100, bucko."

"Okay no, something was wrong with that toilet to begin with," He defended with the cross of his arms, "It had had a slow flush to it since you bought the house."

"Well, probably because you were dropping mega deuces in it!" She took a large gulp of her wine, face scrunching the more she thought about how gross the whole conversation had suddenly turned, "I've never pooped at your house."

"Well, I wouldn't care if you have. In fact, you're welcome to. Anytime. Because we're tight!"

"No."

"Fine. Don't say the offer wasn't extended."

Helga shook her head, rolling her eyes, "Anyway...the rest of this whole thing..." She looked back over and made an air circle around their pro-list, "...works but, if one of the main pillars of a relationship doesn't...this is doomed from the start."

"You ever go so long without sex that you sort of forget how great it is?" Was he kidding? He had to be kidding. What type of question was that? Helga gritted her teeth for a second before turning back to him with a tired type of grimace on her face. First he freely admitted he'd destroyed her perfectly working toilet a year ago, now he was on to talking about this personal crap?!

Utterly unbelievable.

"Did you not even hear what I just said?"

"No I did," He confirmed, shaking his head as if he'd been lost in thought, "I just zoned out for a second."

"Let me guess..."

"The last time I got some action."

"It was rhetorical."

"An entire year ago from a Tinder date."

"Didn't ask, but okay."

"And believe me, from one friend to another. It was not worth it. At all..." He vehemently shook his head, recalling crazy, weird soul energy girl, that had refused to leave him alone for a solid month after their hook-up. This made Helga chuckle and him to begin eyeing her, "What? It's not funny."

Helga rolled her eyes, still laughing, "It is. And if you are trying to solicit sympathy from me, look elsewhere. I'm on an year long drought myself. I just think it's funny that you resorted to Tinder to get laid. You might as well have walked into a crowded room and yelled, 'Who want's to have sex?'"

"First of all, I was legitimately trying to see what girls were out there," He crossed his arms as matter-of-factly, "Secondly, I don't booty call—Hey, wait, who were you secretly seeing a year ago?" He pointed at her, "I don't recall you dating anybody then."

"You stalking me?"

"Wouldn't be the first time. Also Phoebe seems super invested in your love life..."

"Unfortunately."

"You know, when it is in existence."

"Of course..."

"Much like mine."

"Why we're here."

"And I don't remember her talking about it around that time."

Helga inhaled a huge breath, while closing her eyes and tapping the rim of her glass lightly against her forehead. Finally looking up she asked, "Do you remember Jared?" Surprisingly, Brian just stared blankly at her, "The mortgage underwriter at Hillwood Credit Union?" He continued staring blankly at her. "Into marathon running?" He shrugged, "I brought him to a few of our game nights?" Nothing. She tossed her blue eyes, "He had like ten siblings?"

"Oh, that guy."

"That's what you remember about him?" She incredulously asked.

"It's just unusual this day in time to have that many brothers and sisters," Brian defended himself, "It's a very memorable quality."

"Anyway..."

"But you broke up with him like a year and half ago..."

Helga sighed, now her turn to feel a little ashamed of herself. Especially after giving him such a hard time, but criminey, she didn't expect him to have such good memory about her love life, "Yeah, I did do that...but we ran into each other at the rooftop bar and...we had a few too many drinks and I was bored and lonely and...well you know how that goes."

"You booty called an ex..." Brian thinned his eyes at her in a comical way, "And you gave me grief over my tinder date. I would be appalled but that is so like you."

"Oh is it?"

"Yep."

"Whatever. We are getting super off subject here."

"Alright, well...could you or could you not ever bring yourself to bang me?" He held his arms out, and smiled brightly, "Back on subject."

"What kind of question is that?" Helga felt herself turning a little red even spending a minimal amount of brain power thinking of such activity with him.

"A valid one! You just spent the better part of ten minutes pointing it out."

"With a lot more tact!"

"I mean..as good as the rest of the perks of marriage are..." He said, jutting his hands at the 'pro' section, "I like sex, and would like to do more than remember it fondly. I assume you do too."

"Oh, what gave it away?" She mockingly teased in a sassy voice as she held her glass at her lips.

"Your booty call."

Helga rolled her eyes, "It wasn't a booty call," She grumbled.

"Well, here would be the options we're looking at: we get married, gain all these perks and...sleep each other, or we forget the whole thing and continue on with the suck fest known as modern dating. So again, could you bring yourself to bang me? Like...I don't know...indefinitely?"

"Can't you find any better word to use? You bang pots and pans together," She scolded. Mostly because she wasn't prepared to answer the question just yet. She wasn't really sure she'd ever be. He was her friend!

"I will, if you just answer the damn question."

"Same to you," She punted the ball right back to him. Only to see him sigh and slightly roll his eyes as he propped his hands on his hips. "We're both dancing around it, aren't we?"

"Yep."

"It's because what we're really asking one another here is...could we ever learn to be content with each other," Helga finally just threw it out there. The one big, underlying question mark on the whole entire proposition, "And be more than...just friends without flat out forcing it or...coming to resent one another for it."

She and Brian stood in silence, eyeballing one another before he glanced off and ran a hand through his hair, gliding it down and resting it on the back of his neck, "I don't know," He replied with an honest shrug of the shoulders. He wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of anything. "But, I just feel like I need something to change, even if it's something super crazy. And at this point, I would be willing to take a shot. What have we got to lose?"

"Bitch-fests about dating," She absently figured aloud.

"The horrors of having to meet somebody."

"Ugh...hate meeting somebody's," Helga agreed with a subtle nod.

Brian shook his head, "It's the worse...trying to figure out what they like..."

"And then trying to figure out what weird stuff they do."

"And if you can live with it..."

"...which you never can."

The pair again, found themselves in a spat of silence while they just stared at one another, both realizing the pieces were there, but would they all fit in harmony. Or could they ever fit in harmony.

"What if we agreed that, if it turns out to be a raging dumpster fire of an idea, we tap out before we destroy our friendship?" He persuaded, juggling his hands like a scale, "Our safe word could be 'fire hydrant'." He teased to lighten the air a bit. It worked because she quietly laughed. "So...? Yes?"

She still didn't want to answer. It was too big of a decision. Instead she poured herself another glass of wine and downed the entire thing in several gulps as Brian stood and watched. When she was done with it, she dramatically threw the glass to the carpet, "Whoo! I was expecting that to break for some reason," She said, shutting her eyes as she felt the alcohol go straight to her head, "Forgot you have carpet."

"Is...is that a yes?" Brian asked, eyeballing the glass.

As hopeful as he was, he was decidedly disappointed when she still shook her head 'no,' "I can't make this decision tonight."

"So...tomorrow?"

Cracking her eyes open, she deadpanned him, "Seriously?"

"Okay, okay, okay...take your time. It's not like we've got anything else going on."

"I see what you did there."


Thursday Night.

Helga had left Brian's condo the night of their white board party, and spent the following week tossing and turning over the proposition. She just kept getting hung up on the whole...getting intimate with him thing. It wasn't because she had some weird, prude complex or anything like that. She was a hot-blooded female and she had her needs too. And, those needs had sometimes led her into some embarrassing decision making—no, despite what he said, she still didn't consider it a booty call—but this was different. Sure, Brian was a great guy and he was handsome in that classic sort of way. She hadn't been lying to him. She wouldn't be so cruel. He was dependable, trustworthy...and tall.

And most importantly, just as jaded as she was.

He had all the makings of a good partner.

But there was just that small obstacle that she still couldn't quite get her head on board with:

He. Was. Her. Friend.

They could check all the boxes they wanted, but at the end of the day that didn't make it to where they could suddenly see each other in a romantic or sexual way.

She found the whole boiling turmoil at the forefront of her mind that trivia night, versus helping her team, 'Trivia Newton John'—thank you Sid—to victory. Mainly because Brian was sitting right next to her. Why? Because there wasn't a spare seat next to anybody else.

As usual. They got paired off together because everybody had somebody to sit next to. Their spouses.

She'd give him credit though. He hadn't subtly tried to ask her about it, nor did he act weird. They'd carried on their usual conversations with each other and everybody else. She did wonder what sort of scenario problems he was trying to wrap his head around. He'd been more willing to pull the trigger, but mostly because he didn't mind jumping in and asking questions later.

After all, he apparently hadn't even considered the sexual part of a marriage. Maybe he didn't consider it as big of a deal.

Men could be strange creatures, for sure.

At the end of the night, he finally turned in his seat, a tired smile gracing his face, "You we're off your game tonight Pataki. Normally you kill it with your knowledge of useless things," He playfully said.

"Well I am but a mere mortal," She chuckled, turning towards him as she gathered her tote bag, "And considering the week, I've got quite a bit on my mind."

"So do I."

"I see we're on the same page then," She gave him a ghost of a smirk before Stinky started clinking a fork on side of his empty beer glass as if he were planning to give a toast to the group. Or maybe a pep talk for next week. They had lost that night.

"Well, we figured this would be as good of time as ever to share our announcement with everybody," He said with a beaming smile.

"We're expecting!" Amy squealed.

"I thought it was fishy you weren't drinking last week!" Harold exclaimed, all wide eyed as he pointed at the girl.

And excited hoopla ensued from their fellow friends, nobody having a chance to notice that Helga and Brian were the only two still just sitting in their seats, both wearing the most dumbfounded expressions.

Stinky Peterson.

Husband.

Father?

And probably grandfather by the time they got their love lives together.

Utter madness.


Brian went home that night, pulled a can of lightly flavored orange sparkling water from his fridge, popped the top and flopped down on his couch, slowly sipping as he synthesized the night.

Was that guy like, out on a mission or something?

First, he finally gets a date, but that's not good enough. No. Then, said date happens to also be the one. But why stop there right? He and the one tie the knot. Lovely! Thought it couldn't get any worse? Wrong! Then he and Mrs. The one decide to procreate too.

It would probably be an adorable kid too.

He sighed. He knew he was being uncharacteristically mean spirited about everything. He was happy for his friend. Really, he was. He was just frustrated with everything involving himself. Too the fullest extent too.

The best he could hope for at this point was that maybe Helga was thinking a little more about their pact.


And he would be right.

Because a few miles away, she was. Once home she had found herself sitting in her writing room, also drinking a can of lightly flavored key lime sparkling water, staring at the email screen on her imac while her itunes shuffled music, but more firmly caught up in her mind than anything she was doing.

So...Stinky was out in the world, creating other human beings like a champ—jeez, barf—and she was thirty and strongly considering getting a cat...or two. Or...marrying her, also single and thirty guy friend.

While she was in the middle of considering how slippery of a slope cats might be, out of her computer speakers came the charming and iconic voice of Freddie Mercury, singing, "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy..."

Helga scowled, quickly reaching out and roughly smashing her keyboard's space bar, "Oh, come on!"


Saturday morning.

By Saturday, she had firmly ruled out cats. It was too defeatist. Not that, marrying a friend out of desperation wasn't excepting defeat or anything, but it would be easier to...play off. She didn't want to become the groups cat lady and be known for quirky videos involving one of her ten fur babies riding a Roomba she would feel compelled to purchase.

God, then she would be known as the lonely cat lady professor who had nothing better to do than conduct an unfairly hard class curriculum. Or, well, at least according to the 'rate my professor' score she was sure would exist reflecting such feelings by students who were going to fail her class regardless.

Eh, she didn't want the reputation though.

She hated to admit it, seeing as life was entirely too short to just settle, but if a gun were held to her head with the explicit instruction that she had to pick one or the other, with zero option of Arnold returning, she'd have to pick the marriage of convenience with Brian.

Yes, that included all the awkward...intimate things too.

She slipped out of her pajamas and into a pair of jeans and a tee, planning to hit him up at his house before she lost the nerve over her final decision. Having grabbed her keys from the kitchen hook, she had just walked out her front door when she saw him getting out of his truck on the street, giving her a surprised stare as the closed the door behind him.

"Uh..." He began.

Helga paused at pulling her front door shut, "Oh..."

"Were uh...were you headed somewhere?" He realized that it was a stupid question before he asked it, but he had nothing better.

She could play off that she was going to get some breakfast or something but, she didn't feel like lying about something so stupid so early in the morning, "I...was actually headed to your house."

Brian's eyebrows rose and a lopsided smirk parted his lips, "Is this our new thing? Just showing up at one another's homes now?" Helga got that he was attempting to make a stupid joke, but it still didn't prevent her face from dead panning and her waving her arm and open palm at him, wordlessly pointing out that he was already there. "I was out getting McGriddles again and..."

"Yes," Helga blurted out, just skipping all the rest of what she knew he was going to be asking about, and feeling her heart begin to hammer up into her throat.

Though he had a coffee in hand, Brian's mind wasn't the sharpest that morning. And even though he was explicitly there to, once again, have a discussion about their proposition, he didn't immediately connect it with her sudden outburst. So he just blinked, "Yes?"

Helga exhaled, reaching up and running her hand down her face, suddenly regretting her assumption, "Oh...crap...you're here because you've changed your mind..." She muttered, but just loud enough for him to hear.

And at that point, realized what her 'yes' had meant. His eyes shot wider, the palm of his free hand thrusting forward in a stop motion as he stuttered, "No, no! Sorry I've had like two sips of this coffee and I..."

"I think we should just do it," Helga said, once again, not waiting for him to finish what she already understood.

"Was it the Stinky and Amy thing?"

"I mean...mostly," Helga admitted, proceeding to walk down her porch steps so they could have a proper conversation versus semi-yelling up and down at one another. "And cats..."

"Cats?"

She shook he head and waved it off, "It's not important. But...if you're still up for this then—"

"—I am," He hastily replied, "It's obviously why I'm here. To bug you more. And whine about how—"

"—Stinky has more game than you? Figured," Helga teased with a slight smirk.

"Hey..." Brian faux glared at her before shrugging, "But yeah, pretty much."

"So...here's the deal. We're going to commit to this...marriage of convenience and we can iron out the details on some things later, but...I'm in no way comfortable going one hundred percent in just yet." She sternly explained. She thought that it was fair. She wasn't okay with just jumping into the pool so to speak.

She had to ease in.

"You mean like no—"

"—Yes. I'm not saying like...forever I just...need a little time to get used to that idea. With you. No offense."

"None taken," Brian hadn't any problem with that. In fact he would have been completely caught off guard by her wanting one hundred percent of a marriage right up front. And honestly, a little scared. "I'm more than okay with that. It would weird me out a little too much sleeping with you right away anyway. If we're being honest. No offense." He had figured that, in it's on weird way, getting married would be like dating each other...without the added pressure or...expectations. If they were in the scheme for the long haul, there was no point in rushing anything. They'd figure out what needed to be figured out or...

Well, there was the safe word and they'd bail out.

"Absolutely agree," Helga quietly sighed in relief. She thought he heard quite a bit in his own voice too. They were on the same page at least.

"So...when do you want to get the ball rolling?"


A/N: Alright, so...they both have agreed. How is getting into the routine of things going to work out for them? Are they making a huge mistake or will they surprise themselves? Stay tuned!