Thank you so much for the reviews, I hope you enjoy this chapter and plz let me know what you guys think. Also I write on my phone so forgive me for my mistakes.
The days passed, albeit slowly, and with each passing day, they turned into weeks and eventually those weeks turned into months. Before long the chilling winter storms gave way to the wet spring showers in May, and she was reminded that time does not stand still, and she focused on tomorrow and never allowed herself the self-deprivation of dwelling on days passed. It was much easier to act normally and unhindered then she would of imagined which was an indication to her that this job had changed her, Tom had changed her and he had changed her. She couldn't remember when she had buried the naive woman she once was and when she turned into this jaded, cynic of a person who no longer took interest in anything other than doing her job.
She used to be a bright shiny person, a rare brilliant diamond that glistening in even the most unforgiving light, but somewhere in the course of the last year, she had lost her sparkle, and the fire that used to burn deep within her, had burned out long ago, and there was nothing left to light the darkness within or space for the smoke and ashes to clear. She wondered if she was born to suffer, born with a disadvantage, she had never felt so lost and empty before, and she wondered if she had always felt this way? Maybe she buried her feelings under the protection and love her adoptive father gave her, maybe all the deceit and lies that Tom had told her gave her a false sense of security and contentment , maybe all this time she had mastered the art of denial and had swept everything under the rug until there was no more room to hide secrets and push feelings away, and now she was left broken, but she was sure she was never whole to begin with.
Who was she? She didn't even know, she had a false sense of identity as well and she couldn't move forward, she couldn't see past today and into tomorrow because she had no idea what was in her past, her history, her beginning was unknown and inconclusive and it made her feel unreal, inhuman and incapable of normalcy. Everything about her, every detail, every relationship, every experience, even every feeling was a lie, everything about her was ingrained in deception and falsification, nothing was real and nothing made sense and it left her feeling empty, she couldn't remember when she stopped feeling like a person anymore, and when she started acting robotic.
Life went on, the procedure of the job took over and she was thankful it didn't allow much thought of anything else, especially her relationship with Red. She chastised herself for letting the lines they had written in the sand disappear as he found a way to break down her walls and then she further berated herself for using his own metaphor to describe their relationship. Everything remained the same between them, at least that's what she worked so hard to accomplish. They hadn't spoken of the incident since he tried to offer up a half hearted explanation to which she dismissed and tried to be as convincing as possible in conveying her disinterest in his extracurricular activities, it was the first time his voice slightly stuttered and his tone unsure. If anything, it should of given her a lit bit of satisfaction but all it did in the end is dig her deeper into melancholy. She didn't even know why her walking in on him with Samar affected her, but Red did make her feel like the center of his world, just like his ex-wife had told her, and somewhere along the lines, he had become the center of here as well. Maybe that's why she felt the way she did... She felt like she had lost a piece of him, and in turn the only piece of her that wasn't shattered or tainted was now taken. He had made her feel special, like she was the sun and he orbited around her, maybe that's why jealousy reeled it's ugly head, and he had even predicted it would, she had grown accustomed to the fact that she was the only woman in his life, the only person he would move mountains and walk through fire for and now all his comforting words had become trivial. And they both danced around each others feelings and carefully chose every word before they spoke.
"I understand that I'm relatively new and that you have procedure and protocol already in place but I have experience going undercover and I'm trained in combat duty, I'm not trying to step on your toes but I also know first hand how dangerous it can be if something goes wrong or If your cover is blown, an organization like ISIS will not settle for merely killing you, they will use you as a pawn to cause massive fear in the U.S. And make sure you die a slow and painful death for the public to see." Samar's eyes were genuinely concerned, her voice was warningly but it lacked sternness, Liz knew that she was only trying to protect her but it still didn't make the dislike for her any less. What was it with everyone trying to shelter her? Acting like she was made of porcelain.
They stood face to face in the conference room of the Black-site, she could see Cooper and Ressler from the corner of her eye watching with Interest. She cut Samar off before she said another word.
"I'm fully capable of defending myself, I'm an FBI agent, I went through extensive training at Quantico, I know how to take care of myself, I've been undercover before..."
Liz didn't get the chance to debate her point because Red interjected, she let out a heavy sigh and out of recent habit rolled her eyes at the sound of his voice. She had almost forgotten that he was in the room with all of them. She turned and slightly looked over her shoulder at him.
"Agent Navabi is right, this isn't your run of the mill criminal, we are talking about a ruthless terrorist organization who are recruiting boys as young as five or six and not to mention the fact that they are persuading people of western origin to join their cause and fight their war. Have you seen what they are doing to American journalists? Samar is ethnically middle eastern, she will not cause suspicion by her presence because she looks the part, if something goes wrong and your identity is compromised which will happen because you will stick out like a sore thumb, and then they will view it as them hitting the jackpot. A young, freckled faced, blue eyed, innocent looking American woman, who happens to be an FBI agent..." Red's tone was abrasive and stern, his eyes pleaded with hers to let this one go, to back down and wash her hands of this operation but she couldn't stop herself from putting up a fight.
"I think Agent Navabi is right."
And for the first time in months she had let a spec of emotion flicker through her eyes, she gave him a knowing look, one that others wouldn't notice any underlying meaning behind but to him it meant everything. He expected it to come long before but she has been so stoic and indifferent and had acted so normal that it scared him, the realization that she was becoming a product of the environment he had pushed her into , that somehow he had corrupted the optimistic girl she was and turned her into the ice queen she had become.
She quickly regained her ground, and as soon as the emotion crept to the surface, it was pushed back into oblivion.
"I would be in a burka, how will my identity be compromised?" She asked impatiently.
"Things go wrong all the time Lizzie, we might get separated and what if shit hits the fan and I'm not there to protect you?" He asked, the timber of his voice exposing the vulnerability in his words. "I can't save you if they make you for a fed and hold you captive."
Lizzie couldn't help but let out a self-deprecating laugh.
"I'm not a damsel in distress and you are not my Prince Charming." She exclaimed through gritted teeth, "I'm not a princess and this isn't a fairytale, I'm a grown women who can fend for herself, I don't need anyone, especially you to be my defender and protector, I've taken care of myself for the past thirty odd years in your absence, and I'm still fully capable of doing it in your presence."
Red bit his lower lip to keep him from talking, he didn't want this exchange of words to turn into a full blown war between the two of them but he was also thankful that he was able to see her show some sort of emotion towards him that wasn't choreographed or orchestrated, for the first time in months she was raw and genuine. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for his next words, he knew they would sting but he cared far too much for her to take the fall on this. He just hoped that eventually she would understand the meaning behind his actions and realize that she was the single most important person in his life and come hell or high water he would go to any limit to take care of her.
He cleared his throat and averted his gaze.
"Either Agent Navabi accompanies me or I call the whole thing off."
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now
