Chapter 1
When I got home my mind was temporarily distracted by the daily routines of domestic life. At times like this I find it hard to believe some of the things I've witnessed since that first introduction of Suzumiya Haruhi less than a year ago by my own internal calendar. My position as the only "normal" human in the SOS Brigade somehow hasn't prevented me from getting mixed up in things decidedly not normal. Though more often as not I am relegated to the job of powerless observer in those situations. If it weren't for my blind and often only symbolic assertion to protect the frail Asahina-san from the dangers encountered I would feel even more useless at those times. How it was that Asahina-san was ever assigned this job remains a mystery to me as she seems completely unsuited to the task. I really should ask her someday but I would probably get the usual "classified information" answer that usually accompanies my questions about her or her mission. She has become the mascot and maid to the SOS Brigade, plaything of Haruhi's every whim, and though she'll give the token resistance she nonetheless gives in every time. Being able to be in the presence of her daily makes up for all the energy I spend defending her from Haruhi's manipulations. I also must live with the bastard side of me that reluctantly continues to allow Haruhi to do to her the things which I cannot help but enjoy. I truly am sorry Asahina-san, please forgive me.
I had fully intended to follow Nagato's warning and stay awake, but the universe must've felt it would be more enjoyable for me to succumb to my tiredness and see what happens. Like most people who try not to sleep I first became aware of my failure when I realized I had woken up. I was lying on the couch in the common room in an uncomfortable position. It must be early morning since the dark room was lit only by the TV which was still on but only showing the NHK logo. There was a blanket covering me which must've been put there by my younger sister. It was a nice gesture but you really shouldn't stay up so late after I went through the trouble of putting you to bed myself.
I next spotted the culprit responsible for the disappearance of the remains of my late-night snack, as he slept contentedly on the plate, bits of rice and raw fish stuck to his furry face. I won't get mad at Shamisen for just being a normal cat, just so long as he never talks again. My sister has become quite fond of him since I was forced by Haruhi to take care of it, and I don't think she'd take too kindly if I was suddenly forced to strangle the poor creature out of frustration.
Everything seemed perfectly normal. Nagato is usually never wrong about anything, but perhaps even the infallible alien is susceptible to misinterpretations. Convinced that I was free from danger at least for tonight I tidied up, turned off the TV and headed to bed. I had the weekend to look forward to, so I would have to wait until Monday to tell Nagato her concern was unfounded.
I really do owe Nagato an apology for ever doubting her warning. When I next awoke the sun was shining through my bedroom window. I felt the way one would expect to feel with less than the required amount of sleep. Scratching an itch on my nose I got what most people would describe as the shock of their life. If I was fully awake I probably would have felt the same way. Instead I felt only the numb terror of one who hopes they are still dreaming. Where my right hand should have been, there was now the naked torso, arms, and head of Suzumiya Haruhi. She was looking up at me with much the same expression I must've had, then her eyes went wide and I feared she was about to scream. I did the only thing I could think of, I took my remaining hand and clamped it around Haruhi's tiny head to muffle whatever noises might escape. She started to struggle to free herself of my grip.
Look, I don't know what the hell is going on here either but just stop that before someone hears you.
As if in answer there was a knock on the door, followed by my sister's voice.
"Shh!" I whispered into my closed fist. She must have regained some of her senses and realized somewhat the awkward position she was in because she stopped struggling and went silent.
"Kyon, it's time to wake up. Don't make me come in there. Hey, what's going on in there? Hurry up I want breakfast."
Wait, when did that become my job? I might be more willing if you started calling me something proper like "Onii-chan". Get your own breakfast, I'm kind've busy here.
"I'm up already, go away! I'll be out in a bit." I shouted at the door, and waited until the footsteps faded away then tentatively took my hand away from Haruhi's body. Only then did I remember that she was naked, but I could only focus on the look on Haruhi's face. That angry expression made me forget any sensations I might have felt. In fact she looked pissed.
"What is going on? I went to sleep in my bed last night and woke up looking at your big stupid giant face. I want answers. Now!"
Trying to think rationally while under the pressure of Haruhi's wrath I said the first thing that came to mind.
"This must be a dream, that's the only explanation."
I'm trying to convince both of us with that.
"More like a nightmare…"
Hey, this isn't any fantasy of mine either. Besides, if Nagato was right, this is all your fault anyway.
I couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment so I sulked while Haruhi pouted. Suddenly she seemed to brighten a bit and said,
"Well I guess we'll just have to make the best of this until one of us wakes up."
Don't just suddenly accept this situation. What about me?
"What's with this change in attitude all of a sudden?"
"It just seems like if this is a dream then it's not really happening, so nothing that happens matters anyway. I've become certain this has to be a dream, since this is like the plot of one of the animes I watched the other night, so I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts, see what great adventures we'll get into before I wake up."
She was becoming more and more excited as she explained her crazy justifications to me. I know this isn't a dream, I wouldn't be let off that easily. Just what kind of dreams do you normally have anyway?
"So just what was the anime you've based this dream you've come up with on?"
I asked, somewhat fearing the answer, though the answer I got was almost worse than that.
"I don't remember, I wasn't really paying attention to the names, though I think it was the one that had the character that reminded me of you. It wasn't that important."
It's important to me you stupid girl. Just how many animes could there be where someone wakes up with a person where their limb used to be?
"More importantly, I think you should cover up."
I don't think she realized until that moment that she was naked. She looked down and gasped, then covered herself with her arms.
"Well don't just stand there, get me something!"
I looked around not seeing anything particularly suited to the task, then I noticed an old handkerchief. It just barely fit around her torso and I fastened it with a safety pin. It'll have to do for now.
"So just what are we supposed to do about you anyway? I can't just walk around like this."
"Why not? It's a dream remember, who cares if someone sees me like this."
Oh just everyone, me especially.
I had to think of some way to get her to remain hidden without breaking the illusion of a dream. Who knows what madness might ensue if Haruhi thought she was actually in a position like this in the real world.
"You know, if this is supposed to be like an anime, we shouldn't deviate from that. They wouldn't just accept it blindly and go about daily life. They would try to keep it a secret while trying to figure out how to fix it."
"I guess you're right, you should just pretend you hurt your arm or something, and then get a sling and cast for me to hide in."
"Don't you need to visit the doctor or a hospital to get a cast?"
"Not in anime, see?"
Haruhi stated matter-of-factly with a self-satisfied smile, pointing at the top of my dresser. I looked over and sure enough there was an arm sling and a roll of gauze bandage tape. I'm almost certain those were not there a second ago. Someone should really do something about the quality of modern anime. If only plot holes like this were not tolerated I wouldn't be in this situation right now. What next? I'll suddenly get the urge to see Haruhi naked and she'll pull a mallet or something out of nowhere and beat me with it, then bandages will magically appear at the location of the injury? I wasn't about to voice this question as I feared it might cause it to happen. Besides, thoughts of Haruhi naked are the last thing I want right now. Why couldn't it have been Asahina-san? But then I would believe I was the god, plus I'm not certain I would want it to end. Or even Nagato, at least she'd stay quiet, and could probably fix everything by just whispering her data spells or whatever you call them.
"Okay, since I'm the commander of the SOS Brigade I'm in charge, so you have to go wherever I say. Let's see…where should we begin? Oh right! Let's check the TV listings from the night before last. Don't just stand there, you do have the TV listings don't you?"
I might've begun looking for an axe or chainsaw to rid myself of this problem but I'm soft when it comes to physical pain tolerance. Instead I put on the bandage and sling and inspected my handiwork. Stupid anime universe. I mean really just how can a girl wrapped in nothing but tape suddenly look like a bandaged hand? Where's the curves and bumps, the outline of the shoulders and head? It's a good thing the gauze is porous. The only thing at this point worse than having Haruhi at the end of my arm would be having a stinky dead decomposing Haruhi at the end of my arm.
