A/N: Well I'm certainly glad y'all liked it. This time I've been a good little lady and have already written each part, so will be updating it regularly (although there's only one part left after this so). I'm debating whether or not to add Sulu/Scotty/Chekov chapters but they're hard to write so it's very much undecided. If I don't; expect to see the final part next week!
Thank you so much for those who have reviewed/followed/read etc. It means an awful lot. Extra smiles for you, you go.
Happy Father's Day!
The first time Nyota sees it is when she's off shift and bumps into Kirk in the corridor. Quite literally.
"Captain." She steps back and opens her mouth to apologise, when she chances upon the look on his face; he quickly schools his features into a more neutral expression but she catches it all the same.
"Lieutenant." He nods and shifts to move when she reaches out to grab his arm.
"Kirk?" Suspicious is evident in her voice.
"Something I can help you with, Uhura? A drink perhaps?" He waggles his eyebrows and smirks at her, but she isn't fooled. He surprises her but taking him up on the offer. He hadn't been expecting her to accept, not by any means. "What, really?"
"I'm buying." She says, looking at him through narrowed eyes, before spinning on her heel and walking down the corridor. Kirk watches her ponytail swing for half a moment before following. While Uhura was hot, like, really hot, he wasn't afraid to admit she was fucking terrifying when she wanted to be, and at that moment, Kirk was more than a little apprehensive.
She lead him to the mess hall, and after a calculating look, ordered him to sit in a corner before stalking off. It felt a little weird taking orders from someone for a change, but he wasn't about to argue. Especially after the purse of those lovely lips. When she returned, she promptly placed a plate of food, and a steaming cup in front of him and said "Drink."
"You know it makes me all tingly when you give me commands, Lieutenant." He grinned, trying to alleviate the increasing run away now this is about to get serious feeling his brain was currently giving him.
"Shut your mouth and drink, Kirk, or I'll make you drink." Uhura said but her demeaner seemed to relax a little. She wasn't usually so abrupt unless she was pissed or worried. Half of him hoped it was the former.
"And how would you propose to do that?" He playfully waggled his eyebrows again, but upon the look she gave him he immediately lifted his hands in defence, "Alright alright, jesus. I'll drink it." He took a sip; it was thick and lumpy and quite possibly the most disgusting thing he'd ever tasted. "It's great."
Uhura suddenly laughed and Kirk felt the tension ease a little. "Sorry. It's apparently as close as the replicators can come to coffee."
"At least it's hot." He shrugged and Uhura smiled. There was an expression creeping up onto her face and he wasn't sure he liked it. He decided to bite the bullet. "Alright, what is it?"
"What's wrong?"
"What?" Kirk asked after a momentary stunned pause.
"I'm not an idiot, Kirk. I know you better than you think. Did something happen? On the bridge? With Spock?" She leaned forward and studied his face.
"What? No nothing's happened, why would you- wait what would Spock have anything to do with-"
"Jim. We've been back on the Enterprise for a month now, and while you're hiding it pretty well from everyone else, I know something's up. And if you're gonna be an ass and not tell me so I can't help, then I'm going to have to force it from you another way."
That really cut him short. Jim? Uhura never called him Jim. He held her gaze for a moment, before finally speaking. "Does this mean I can use your first name?"
Uhura rolled her eyes and sat back into her seat with a growl of annoyance. "You're a real piece of work, you know that?"
"So I've been told," He smirked at her, but feeling guilty for having his Lieutenant evidently worried for him, he caved a little, "I don't wanna talk about it, Uhura. Maybe at another point, but not today. I appreciate it, though. Thanks." He added a little gruffly. Uhura looked as though she were about to say something when the doors opened and what looked like the whole of the damn crew walked in for what was obviously the ending of a shift. She frowned a little looking at the streams of people suddenly around them.
Kirk ran a hand through his hair. The sudden influx of people was a little disorientating. He felt a jolt in his stomach but pushed it down with another gulp of the hideous replicator coffee. Uhura turned back to him, and thankfully changed the subject. They chatted a while about various things, and it was kinda nice, to just talk to someone about meaningless trivial shit.
His gaze drifted to the various faces of his crew, laughing and talking around him. Some of the crew were new, and many he didn't recognise. He felt bad about this, for not being able to list of the names of the people around him, but a voice that sounded strangely like his first officer, told him this was illogical as to know the names of every member of the crew was an almost unachievable task. He recognised a few crewmen here and there, which was when the feeling suddenly hit him like a ton of breaks. All the faces he didn't recognise, all those lifeforms, they were there to replace the crew that died. Those that he'd lost. The ones he hadn't cared for well enough. The ones who he had been their last captain to. Some their only captain. They were all dead. It was his fault.
"Kirk?" Uhura had noticed Jim's demeanour shifting throughout their conversation; his attention became less attentive, his gaze constantly flickering and drifting to those around them. He hadn't touched the food she'd brought him. His hands were trembling. His expression had now taken on one of a deer in headlights.
"Jim." She tried again, more firmly, this time grabbing his hand. Kirk's eyes snapped to hers. She had to hold back her gasp at the panic in his eyes. "What is it?" She leaned forward, trying to use a more professional manner but failing entirely at the levels of concern sweeping through her. He made a flippant gesture with his free hand.
"Anxiety attacks. Or somethin'. Bones…" He trailed off and suddenly he was clutching her hand tighter. He needed her to understand. He needed to get out. The noise level seemed to be rapidly rising and he felt as though he may break at any moment; he couldn't do it here.
"How long have you been having them?" He made another dismissive gesture glancing around him, then fixing her with a pleading stare. Uhura nodded. She could ask Bones later, it wasn't important just that minute. What was important was getting Kirk out of there. God knows what the crew would do if they saw their captain go into a full on panic attack.
She let go of his hand and stood, moving immediately to his side. Kirk seemed to waver for a moment, before gritting his jaw and joining her. When Kirk was later able to think clearly, he remembered feeling on the verge of yet another fucking attack when his Lieutenant found him, how she distracted him, and how if it hadn't been for the ending shift, he would have probably been able to avoid it altogether. He would never understand how he would come to leave that room without collapsing in the middle of it.
After they walked through the doors, Kirk repeating just a few more steps just a few more steps like a prayer in his head, they reached a blissfully empty corridor. As the door closed quietly shut behind him, cutting off the noise, Kirk slid down the wall feeling like his chest was collapsing in on itself. His breathing was ragged and erratic; something he was struggling with remembering how to do. He wasn't aware of Uhura's horrified expression, or her hands on his face, or her words, trying desperately to calm her captain and her friend.
All that was going through his mind was those lifeforms. His crew. Some of them had had families, husbands, wives, children. Some of them didn't. He wasn't sure which was worse. He was wracking his brains for something that he could have done differently, anything to save those innocent people. Their blood was on his hands.
When he slowly, fucking finally, began to wind back to himself, he was aware of Bones' calming heavy accent, Uhurua's worried words, and something hard beneath him.
"That's it, Jim. Easy now, darlin'." There was a hand rubbing soothing circles on his back. He opened his eyes; he was sat on the floor apparently. With a few more slow deep breaths, he felt able to lift his head. Uhura was directly in front of him, her hands lightly gripping his wrists, Bones to his right. There was a moment of quiet, only the sounds of shaky breathing and Bones' hand against the fabric of Jim's shirt.
"Well, shit."
Uhura looked about ready to slap him, but she smiled. "How are you feeling?"
"Awesome," he smiled weakly and looked sidelong at Bones. "Sorry. To you as well, Uhura. Didn't mean to… y'know." He lowered his head, frustrated and embarrassed that he'd had another, in the mess hall of all places.
"How many does this make it now, kid?" Bones' voice was gentle, and he still hadn't stopped rubbing Jim's back.
"Since the first?" Bones nodded. Jim let out a long breath and half shrugged, "A dozen maybe. Haven't really been counting." He had; there'd been nineteen.
"Damn it, Jim." Bones frowned and Jim tried to smile apologetically. Uhura sighed and called him an idiot for not telling her sooner. Bones snorted and told her she didn't know the half of it. They shared a look Jim recognised which he filed away in his brain for taunting material later. "What the hell are we gonna do with you?"
"You've known since he first started having them?" Uhura looked at Bones, who's hand had disappeared with a final reassuring squeeze of the shoulder. Jim ignored them and leant back, resting his head with a soft thunk against the wall behind him. He felt exhausted again.
"I was there. Gotta admit, this is the worst so far." It wasn't.
"Don't suppose those legendary hands can come up with a cure, Leonard?" Jim was a little surprised at her semi playful tone. Was his esteemed Lieutenant flirting with his CMO?
"Not this time, 'm afraid. He's just gotta sit 'em out."
"Damn it. If those Admirals hadn't gone in there so soon it mightn't have been so bad… if they hadn't made him relive it within hours of him waking up…" Jim debated whether he should tell her that it was actually a couple of days later but decided against it. He was feeling sleep creep up on him. He could tell her later.
"You're tellin' me. I was ready to wring those goddamn bastards' necks but then Spock walked in and I was practically dead on my feet."
There was a pause, then Uhura's voice dropped low. "Does he know?"
"I didn't want that hobgoblin to worry." Bones' voice was a low as Uhura's. They were close to whispering.
"I was wondering why you were so adamant when he appeared. I think I managed to convince him but he's not stupid, Leonard. Lord knows they're both the biggest idiots in this universe, but he's gonna realise soon." Jim frowned sleepily. That was insulting. "It might help him."
"What, that pointy eared bastard?"
"Leonard."
"I know, Nyota, I know. God else knows why I haven't already told him."
"Hey!" Jim's eyes suddenly shot open and both Uhura and Bones moved back from each other. "How come he gets to call you Ny-" Jim was cut off with a sharp pain in his neck. "Damn it, Bones!" He rubbed his neck and grumpily stared at the two. As his mind slowly caught up, he came upon a realisation. "Wait were you guys talking about Spock?"
Uhura shook her head and sighed loudly. "You're hopeless, Kirk."
"Resent that." He mumbled before slumping against Bones; the sedative suddenly evident in his system. He was asleep within seconds.
Bones allows himself a moment to rest his head against Jim's, remembering when they were younger and relatively stress free or least healthier certainly. Space had aged his friend far too quickly. He sighed and shifted to grab Jim, signalling to Uhura for help, before they half dragged half carried him to his bed. They stood side by side, silent for a moment. Both shared a great love for their captain. Their ridiculous, altruistic, brave heart of a man.
"So. Who's gonna tell his dumb boyfriend then?" Bones said breaking the silence. Uhura laughed and elbowed him lightly in the side.
"Come on, McCoy. I think we need a drink."
"Do we indeed?" He smirked in a way that made Uhura wonder if it was a trait he'd acquired from Kirk; it was certainly attractive and not far off their captains trade mark grin. Leonard's smirk was softer however, slightly maturer and a little more timid.
They walked from Kirk's quarters, with the last sounds being Bones overtly flirtatious tones. "You know I have a bottle of jack in my quarters…"
