Newest one, thanks so much for the reviews, followers,... They really make my day and I love to hear about what you think.
Two
'You did what?' Blue eyes look at him and he can see the anger flashing in them. ' what were you thinking?'
' I wasn't thinking! This whole mess got to me and when we were running the surveillance and he asked I just, I just told him, I wasn't thinking okay?'
'No Sam, not okay! Why? I mean what happened?'
'This shit happened G. In case you forgot this wasn't just about you. My wife's life was on the line here and it just, it messed with my mind. I just couldn't think straight and …'
'So you just assumed Deeks would bring harm to Michelle?'
The question is painfully accurate of his feelings back then but so wrong considered what had transpired. He had no answer for it, none that didn't make him a complete ass so he remained silent.
'If you were having problems with the case of Deeks you should have come to me. Talked about it to me, not take it out on Deeks in the middle of a case.'
G fills the silence between them, the anger clear on his face and in his voice. They all had made mistakes, they all had done things that they now wished were different, but the anger he was feeling was clouding his mind just as much and when Callen spoke the last sentence something inside of him broke and he had to get it out.
'YEAH AND WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU HUH'
he shouts momentarily forgetting they are inside a hospital room and one tends to be quiet in those surroundings. Callen looks back in shock, not expecting this, but it allows him the time to continue.
'Off to find your arch nemesis Janvier, that's what you were doing. Did you ever stop to think about the future instead of your own mission of revenge? Did you ever realize that if things went bad, really bad my kids would have to grow up without one or both their parents? Yeah I lost it and told Deeks things I shouldn't have and believe me when I say that I want nothing more than the chance to unsay them. But I didn't put Deeks in that position. '
'You saying I did it? I put him in that position?'
'no'
'but'
'but if you didn't bring Janvier back, we would have had more control on the situation'
Silence fills the room and no one is looking at one another. He settles on the wall in front of him, feeling his wife next to him. He's suddenly tired but glad he finally had been able to say what was on his mind. There is no way he's actually blaming Callen, what happened was a lack of control, caused by the inclusion of Janvier in the case. He feels guilty for not bringing that up earlier, not allowing his own thoughts to be said and heard before the case, before Kensi and G went to get Janvier back. But he can't dismiss his own actions either. Him not saying those words to Deeks would have helped a lot, at least he wouldn't have been the reason the cop doesn't want to see or speak to anyone.
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Silence feels wrong after Sam and Callen are done yelling to one another. Everyone is just sitting there, all looking someplace else. She wonders whether she needs to speak up too, talk about what happened at the house and how they had left things. Sam was convinced that he was the reason Deeks didn't want to see them. She's pretty convinced she's the reason. Why in the world would he want to talk to the one that walked away. If only she had been able to express what he had done to her, how he had turned her entire world upside down. She figured she knew enough about him, enough to gauge his reaction and know what he would do in different circumstances. But he had surprised her there and had left her completely speechless. In fact there was only thing she wanted and that was more. But reality had kicked in again and with that her fears, so she mumbled something about following Michelle and left him there.
Of course that was all in the idea that he would be back later on, that they would get to the mission and he would be there, joking how great he was, how good at his job. She never ever imagined her return to a mission in mourning . Or Eric telling her they have no idea where her partner is and what happened to him. She wasn't prepared to deal with that and neither was Callen.
And now the four of them are safe, they are still falling apart. The yelling needs to take place and there'll be plenty of it in the future. She wonders whether she would be doing some of her own, when Deeks allowed them back in the room. She hopes not, but there are things that need to be said and sometimes just yelling took care of that. But right now she opts to remain silent, letting the oppressing silence fill the room.
'Maybe I should go and speak to him.' it's Michelle's voice that cuts the silence and they all look at her.
'you really think that's a good idea?' Sam asks.
'well it's better than the others floating around' that one hits home and they all stare at the floor for a minute or two.
'it might work' Nate replies.
And that settles everything. She's not feeling that okay with Michelle going to see her partner, but they need all the help they can get and perhaps this will bring him back to her.
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He's been expecting Callen or Kensi to barge into his room and call him every name under the sun. Or Hetty suddenly appearing bedside scaring the hell out of him. Probably seizing the few seconds he needs to get his breathing under control to pull everything from him, even the stupid things he did when he was younger.
But he's never expected this, a knock on his door and Michelle Hanna appearing in the doorway asking if she can come in. Maybe that's what they are been playing at, surprising him enough to allow her in. Or perhaps he's just a tiny bit curious as to what she has to say. After all he hasn't spoken to anyone for a few days now.
She takes a seat next to his bed and they both remain silent for awhile. She probably trying to find some words to say, he's just sitting there, waiting for her to speak.
'I haven't thanked you yet' are the first few words out of her mouth.
He wants to shrug them off, telling her it's nothing, but she won't let him.
'Don't do that, we both know that it wasn't what you signed up for.'
She speaks the truth but still, he would have never said anything. Despite what they think of him, despite what Sam thinks of him, he wants to be able to look at himself in the mirror and see an honest man. Another truth is that he probably wouldn't have survived another round.
'I also should have said something.'
No need to explain what she's talking about. She was there, not physically next to them, but she had heard every word of the conversation and he somehow had believed her to share her husband's thoughts.
'He had no right and I should have called him out on it' He understands what it's meant to be, a wrapped excuse. It does nothing to his anger towards the man, but it takes away the need to be angry at her as well.
'And while you might not have done it for him, I'm still grateful for what you did'
she continues and he wonders if that's what they all think. That he would be superficial enough to give up on someone, to just spill the beans because someone said some harsh words to him. Well not just harsh words, but he believes himself to be not that shallow. Sam was, is a team mate and you do everything you can for said team mate. Even when you really want to hit him where it hurts.
'I know what it's like' he responds and she looks at him.
'what?'
'I know what it's like to grow up without, technically I did grew up with them present, but I know what's it's like to not have your parents around. Not having them tuck you into bed and read you a story or tell you how much they love you or how proud they are of you. I know what's that's like and I never ever wish that on anyone.'
He can tell she's stunned and lost for words for a moment. He's in a similar state, doesn't have a clue where it came from, but it had to get out. And sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger then to a friend. She grabs his hand and he can feel what she wants to say. He's glad she remains quiet and makes her way to the door. He's not in the mood for talking and even more so after the sudden admission.
The door closes with a soft thud and he's alone again, but somehow it feels like he's not that alone anymore.
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She's back on her way to Sam's room and she suddenly finds herself to be angry. Not at the man who's room she just left, but then man who's room she is headed to. And while she holds her husband dear and close to her, children are everything, especially her own.
As she steps inside the room, he picks up on her vibe immediately
'what happened?' he asks, probably thinking Deeks saying something. But he did, Deeks did say something and it rattled her world. And in normal circumstances she would have never said what she did, she would have kept it all in. But these are not normal times, nor normal circumstances and emotions take over.
'You're always so full about the honor and duty of a marine, a SEAL never leaves a man behind. You go on and on about training and respecting others. You complain about the lack of training in others, you sometimes refuse to see the good in others, not NAVY trained. But let me tell you one thing, Samuel Hanna and by extension the rest of the team. Whatever you believe about honor, you don't even come close to Deeks.
TBC
