Summertime Sadness part 2…

Continued …

"We've found a complication with your baby's heart, it seems to not be functioning as well as we would expect at this stage in the pregnancy…" The doctor said, sitting on the edge of the bed, "Of course we would have to do some tests before we are definite, but it's not looking good I'm afraid" Me and Jonny were stunned as we heard that our baby had a heart complication….

… A few moments went by before we had both managed to pluck up the courage to say anything, "Wha what do you suggest happens next then?" I asked, not really wanting to know the answer but felt that I should ask, the doctor took a long pause before answering my question, "As I said we shall do more scans and tests, but I would suggest a termination of the pregnancy" He finally answered, with the words I dreaded to hear. Those words echoed in my mind, I felt so helpless, alone and scared of the prospect of having to terminate my baby, "I I can't, I can't terminate my baby, im not killing my baby!" I explained with tears rolling down my cheeks as I looked at the doctor before turning to Jonny, who was resting his head in his hands, I knew he was crying but tried not to show it, he then stood up and wiped away his tears and took a deep breath, "If we were to refuse the termination, what will the baby's chances of survival be?" He said breaking the silence, "As we found on the scan the baby has a congenital heart defect, a fairly severe heart defect, we would monitor the baby very closely, by doing weekly scans and perform multiple echocardiograms with the paediatric cardiologist,of the baby's heart leading up to the birth and asses the baby as soon as it is born, we would also suggest possibly delivering the baby as early as 35 weeks!" the doctor explained as we both sat there trying to register what he was telling us. I turned to Jonny, praying he would say something, protest at the suggestion of a termination, he then looked into my eyes, "I am not aborting this baby!" I said quietly as I tried not to cry, I then turned to the doctor and the sonographer, "I don't want the termination, I cannot let my baby die without giving him or her the chance of life!, I'll take the chance!" I said as I wiped the gel off of my abdomen and pulling my scrubs top down covering my bump, "Ok Ms Naylor we will organise everything and send you appointments in the mail" the doctor said as he turned to leave the room, "I want Mr Thompson to take over the treatment!" I demanded before he left the room, "Ok Ms Naylor and ill need to make you an appointment with paediatric cardiologist to keep a close eye on baby's heart" he said as he left the room.

As we were making our way back to the ward, all I could think about was our baby and the difficult decisions we had to make, decisions no parents or expectant parents should ever have to make about their children, the walk seemed to take longer than usual, Jonny held on to my hand ever so tightly as if to say, I'm here for you no matter what…

When we walked onto the still strangely quiet ward, I made my way to my office, Jonny followed quickly behind, wanting to make sure I was ok, when truthfully I wasn't, I was devastated, we both were, terrified of how to handle this terrible news together, I couldn't help but think, this was all my fault, my baby has complication because of me, acting as though I didn't care about it, my fault for having endometriosis, my fault for only having one kidney, my FAULT for not even knowing if there was history of congenital heart defects in my family history… Jonny closed the door gently behind him and came up behind me as I leant against the window Payne staring out of the window, praying for this whole situation to be a horrible dream, and that I would soon wake up and everything would be ok, our baby would be healthy with nothing possibly wrong with them. As Jonny placed his hands around my waist I turned around, collapsing into his arms, as I felt weak, distraught and vulnerable, by this point we were both crying uncontrollably as we shared this tender moment, "Jonny, I don't know what to do, what have I done to deserve this, its my fault…" I said as I sobbed hysterically into his warm chest, before he interrupted me, "Jac, listen to me, this is not your fault!, I am here for you, we are going to do this we are going to come through this … together, I love you and I love our baby whatever the problem is, don't go blaming yourself" Jonny said giving me some reassurance that I needed, "I don't think I can do this, I'm not strong enough, I'm scared, I'm scared that you are going to leave me, like everyone else did…" I said pausing as I couldn't physically say anything else, as I felt so weak and drained. Jonny then lead me over to my desk and sat me down onto my chair, and knelt down in front of me, "Jac…" he paused, as his eyes slowly filled up with tears, he cleared his throat and continued, looking at me directly into my eyes, "… I will never leave you, or leave our baby, I love you both so much, I couldn't imagine my life without you, and you are the strongest person I know, if anyone can do it, if anyone can care and love a baby, then you can 10 times over, I am here every step of the way and im not going anywhere! You got that Naylor?" he said as the tears flowed freely down his face, he then leant in and hugged me tightly, I felt safe in his arms and hoped that he would never let me go. "Right lets get cleaned up and carry on with our day, our baby is fine ok, perfect in fact!" Jonny said passing me a tissue, I took a deep breath and shook my body and headed towards the door, "I need to find Sacha, he needs to know, I want him to know!, you should find Mo, let her know, she's your friend, she's our friend!" I said quietly, giving out a small false smile towards Jonny. As we walked onto the ward, Eliot, Mo and Sacha, who must have been helping on a case on the ward, sensed something was wrong, as our eyes were red and puffy, as we approached the trio, they all simultaneously turned to face us, expecting us the tell them about our scan, "Well… How's Janny baby?" Mo asked, soon after realising that what we were about to tell them wasn't good news, I looked towards Jonny, hoping that he would explain that our unborn baby has a congenital heart defect, a fairly severe heart defect, I placed my hand over my bump, suddenly after a few moment's Jonny spoke out, breaking the silence, "Erm, it's not good news, erm,…" Jonny said as he could feel himself about to cry again, "Jonny mac what's happened, you're worrying me now? The baby's ok right, it has to be?" Mo asked slightly worrying as she saw her best friend begin to break down in front of her, she then turned to face me, and then swiftly back to Jonny, "… the sonographer and consultant found a complication with the baby… erm that baby has a severe congenital heart defect… the heart isn't functioning as it should be for 20 weeks gestation, there's a slight abnormality as the heart is beating" Jonny finished as he broke down in floods of tears, as I saw him almost collapse into Mo's arms, I started to cry as the words echoed around in my mind again, Sacha quickly came over as he saw me go limp as my hand dropped off of my bump….

Ok so I have decided I'm going to continue this as a story, its taking longer than I thought it would be. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Please R and R xx