The Davenport Dance Party Part 2


Connor couldn't believe what he was seeing. A girl, looking no older than fourteen, stood in front of him wearing a most revealing knock-off of his own robes that were scandalous even by the standards of his descendant Desmond's time. The girl was practically begging for some sort of lecherous rat to defile her; it's a wonder she managed to reach the Homestead unscathed. Connor wasted no time trying to find something to cover her up with.

"Are you INSANE, woman?!" Connor yelled as he covered her up with a blanket, "You cannot just walk through the Frontier dressed like that! What if some lecher catches sight of you?!"

"Aww~! Aren't you happy to see me, Connor?"

He paused, "Wait, how do you know my name?"

"Don't you recognize me?" the girl replied, "It's a-me! Lucrezia Aragonna Fegeleinskaya Charlottina Anna Dominatrixia Ionica Omnipotenzia Henrietta Everclear Arschgefickt von Riesengarnele und Neurose!"

A long silence soon followed, since none of the three Assassins know if they should feel amused by this girl's obscenely long name, or that they should feel ripped off since she unknowingly quoted Ezio's late uncle Mario Auditore almost word-for-word. Jacob then had the guts to speak up, "You know, the sooner we get inside the Home-"

"SHUT UP, YOU POTATO-SHITTING WURST-FOR-BRAINS!" the Assassins were shocked, but this girl named Lucrezia wasn't quite done yet, "I AM HERE TO SPEAK WITH MY BEAU, CONNOR; NOT TO GET INSULTED BY SOME FAT, UGLY HESSIAN SWINE!" She then grabbed hold of Connor's wrist and stomped off like some bratty cheerleader character in a corny teen drama. Stephane said, "Strange. She wasn't like that when we found her near Lexington..."

"Who cares?" huffed Jacob, "She's a bitch. C'mon, let's get a drink..."


The door slammed; Connor got his hands freed from Lucrezia's grasp. The girl turned around as if she were in a pretentious shampoo commercial while making a face that would belong to an America's Next Top Model contestant. "What has gotten into you, woman?!" Connor yelled, "First you came here wearing almost nothing, and now you yell at my friends for speaking up! Come on, speak!" She just purred and walked seductively towards Connor. It was as if the earlier debacle never happened, "Oh, Connor! Can't you see that they were trying to separate us from our true destiny as lovers?"

It doesn't take a Ben Franklin to point out the fallacies in logic involved, "What the-? True destiny?!"

"Oh, please believe me, my love! It was the will of Jupiter, Juno, and Minerva for us to be together! I can see it now, our blood merging together to form a bloodline of the finest pedigree that will withstand all of eternity's trials and tribulations and emerge victorious! Our descendants will vanquish the evil within this world; from the dastardly lobsterbacks to the forces of that wretched Hitler and unfathomable Communist threat. Hell, our offspring may even be the ones who will kill Osama bin Laden! And it all begins with a night of passion..." Lucrazia then ripped her coat off to reveal a...pair of Eve's melons as big as the largest caliber of cannonball in the British Army's arsenal. "...please ravish me, Connor!"

No use. Connor's brain was fried...and so was the Animus.


"Ah, damn it!" Rebecca exclaimed.

"Bill, you'd better get some rest for a moment while Rebecca and I fix the Animus..." William's vision slowly came to. He got up groaning something about his head, before saying three words anyone who has ever played Assassin's Creed II up until the very end remembers the most.

"What the fuck?"

It took an entire day to fix the machine. Rebecca only had four hours of sleep; Shaun had two. William didn't sleep at all. But that doesn't bother him so much; soon, he was climbing back to the Animus. After doing the usual preparations, Bill Miles was back in the Homestead...


...or rather, Oliver and his wife's tavern.

"...and so I had to knock her out with a frying pan." Connor stated, earning a laugh from everyone inside. Sailors, tailors, soldiers, and spies; there were a lot of them inside at that point. As the Mohawk chugged down the last of the ale in his tankard, Stephane asked him where does he think this Lucrezia girl is as of now. Connor wiped his mouth dry before telling him, "Well, the debacle was about six hours ago, so I reckon she is somewhere in the Frontier by now."

"Serves the bitch right!" a sailor by the name of Jenkins bellowed.

"Now do not be so eager to insult the girl, Jenkins..." Connor took another swig, "Her attitude may be as it is, but I am certain she will grow out of it soon enough..."

Inside the local pub in Concord, Lucrezia took down her seventy-first tankard of mead. She was now visibly drunk; even more so than Captain Jack...and surrounded by a metric ton of lechers to boot. And in case you're wondering, that includes the Massachusetts Militia foot patrols watching outside. One could hear the heavy rainfall outside, punctuated by thunder and all that clichéd shit you'd see in romance movies. She moaned and wailed for the umpteenth time, upset that her "one true love" (snicker) rejected her advances.

"Now don't be so sad, missus! We're here for you!"

"Yeah, you can 'ave us! We're better than...whoever just turned you down!"

You can almost see the other women inside seething with envy...

"Aww~! Thanks, guys!" she sweetly replied, "But, my love is nothing compared to any of you..."

"Now, why is that?" asked a bald thug, almost insulted.

Unless any of you dear readers want to see paragraph upon paragraph of the most flowery language available, Lucrezia had just described Connor's life and exploits for a staggering four hours straight. The men listened intently like children around a campfire. It was as if the girl had played the game over and over. When she finished, all the men were still wide awake.

"Did you guys get it~?"

"I 'ave no idea what she just said, but your love is awesome!" yelled an old deserter.

"He surely must be a man of fine pedigree to attract a lovely woman like yourself..." said another man.

Lucrezia felt her emotions welling up, and she cried once more. The sounds of her "beautiful" tears leaving her "purple hazelnut eyes" made the men's hard hearts flutter. The boys wanted to cuddle up with her; hold her; tell her it's alright. The women, however, were beside themselves with envy. It took a while before she stopped crying. Suddenly, her face was confident; determined like Commander Washington was during the Revolution. She said to them, "You know, there's something you can help me with..."

"Anything for you, m'lady" all men said in unison.

"If Connor doesn't wish to be my soulmate, I'll just have to become his by force!"

She pulled out an unexpected weapon out of nowhere; it glowed, causing all the men to become her pawns. "Come with me," she says, "for we will march on the Davenport Homestead!"


Back in Achilles' old room, a slightly drunk Connor was busy sweeping the floors clean. His back started to hurt, so he stretched a few times; only to look up and gape in disbelief.

The Apple of Eden was gone.

Then, he heard a knock at the door. He rushed to open it, only to reveal the Assassin Apprentices and Homestead residents...along with a force of seven thousand two hundred men armed with swords, spears, and an assortment of firelocks. Lead by Lucrezia, no less.

"Connor! This is your last chance!" she threatened, "Marry ME, or they DIE!"

The Davenport Dance Party has just begun...


Don't you dare ask me how that bitch Lucrezia got the Apple...she's a Sue; she does the impossible for her morning routine...