Chapter Two
"Is this necessary? Is this really necessary?" I asked again.
We were all back in Tanks Explorer heading to Ranger's parents house. By we I mean Tank, Lester, Bobby and I. Without even consulting me, they loaded me into the car and started driving.
"I mean I know I have to tell them some time but can't I wait after an ultrasound, I think that what it's called. Right, Bobby? You're a medic. You should know these things. I mean wouldn't they want proof? Did you ever think of that? What if they don't believe me? What if they don't want to believe me? In that case I'll have the ultrasound picture with me. Ta Da! Proof! See, it makes sense. Proof. We need proof!"
No response. I wasn't even sure if they were listening at this point.
"Why are you guys ignoring me? Say something already!"
I swear Tank sighed. Tank never sighed.
"Beautiful, you have to tell them sooner or later. The sooner the better. They're hurting as much as we are, including you. They need to know." Lester's voice was gentle but firm.
"I know that Lester," I said with my own sigh. "I know. But it's late and I don't think I can do this yet. I'm not ready. I was barely ready to tell you guys. Please. I can't face them. Not . . . not today." By the end, my voice started cracking.
Tears once again filled my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I blink them back. Most of them anyways, the rest I quickly wiped away with the back of my hand.
"Soon," Tank demanded. "No longer than a week. They deserve to know. They need to know."
"Soon," I promised.
"There is something else we need to talk about, Angel." Bobby said after Tank took a turn back to Rangeman. By the tone of his voice I could tell I wasn't going to like where this was going. "What would that be?" I asked slowly, cautiously.
Tank continued for Bobby. Stupid ESP. "Your work and living arrangements."
Oh God. I hadn't even thought about those yet. I can't keep bounty hunting while I'm pregnant! What if something happens? When, I corrected myself. What would I do then? It would only be a matter of time with my luck. And my apartment! It's as much of a magnet for trouble as I am. Plus there's no room in there for a baby! How could I raise a baby there? How could I raise a baby without a job? Without a home? Oh God! I'm a bad mom! My child's not even born and I'm already screwing up. I can't do this. God there is no way I can do this!
I dimly heard someone calling my name. "God damn it Stephanie, relax!" The voice got louder. "It's going to be ok." Lester? What's he saying?
It was then that I noticed the car had stopped and my door was open. Lester was holding my hands. His concern was palpable.
I tried to ask what was wrong but no words came out. I'm not even sure if my mouth opened. His lips started moving again so I focused on listening to him. ". . . That's it, Beautiful. Focus on me. Breathe with me, ok? In and out. Just like that. Keep on breathing."
Why was my breathing so ragged? What just happened? And why is my heart pounding so freaking fast? What was happening to me? I was really starting to scare myself.
"Fuck." Lester cupped my face with his hands, making me focus on him again. "Stephanie! Stay with me here! Breathe. In and Out. In and Out. Don't think about anything else. Just focus on me. In and Out. There you go, Beautiful. That's it. You're doing good. In and Out."
He kept repeating everything over and over again. Slowly, it could have been minutes or it could have been hours, my breathing steadied and my heartbeat dropped back down to normal.
"What happened," I asked in complete wonder.
Lester's hands dropped from my face, and once again held my hands slowly running circles around them with his thumbs. The movement kept me relaxed. "It seems like you had a panic attack there, Steph. All of a sudden you started gripping the arm rests like your life depended on it and your breathing went crazy. Tank had to pull over. You started to turn purple because you weren't getting enough oxygen." His voice dropped below a whisper. "You scared me, Beautiful."
"You scared all of us," Tank corrected.
Surprised, I turned my head and saw Tank and Bobby standing to the right of the open door with the same concerned look Lester had.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I-I don't know what happened." I hadn't realized I started crying again until Lester took used his thumbs to gently wipe my tears away.
"It's ok, Angel. You're alright now. Do you remember the last thing you heard, or thought about?" Bobby asked already in doctor mode.
"I don't . . ." I paused trying to think.
"Take your time, Angel. Relax. It'll come back, just take your time."
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. Bits and pieces came back.
"You . . . you said we needed to talk about something." I opened my eyes and looked at Bobby. He gave me a small smile and nodded for me to continue. "When I asked what, Tank started saying things about my job . . . and my apartment."
"Good, Stephanie. Now do you remember what you were thinking after we said that?"
I closed my eyes, and leaned my head against the seat, wishing that I didn't remember. Seeing me nod my head, Bobby continued, "Ok. What were you thinking Steph?"
When I didn't say anything Lester squeezed my hands tighter until I opened my eyes and looked at him. I felt horrible that I was causing all the worry on his face. "Let us help you. We can't help you unless you tell us what's wrong, Beautiful."
After a seconds hesitation, I blurted out, "I'm a bad mom." They only got a piece of that since my voice could have rivaled a two pack-a-day smoker. Silently, after Lester released one of my hands, Tank handed me an open bottle of water. I took a few small sips, handed it back to Tank and placed my hands back in Lester's. I need the contact. Lester started running his thumbs over my hands again. " I'm a bad mother. I can't keep doing my job as a bounty hunter. I can't risk anything happening to the baby. And my apartment is a death trap. I can't live there anymore. So now I have no job and nowhere to live. How can I raise a baby with no job and no where to call home? Don't you see? I'm already a horrible mother!"
"Beautiful..."
"Angel..."
"Bombshell..."
"No. Don't make excuses for me. I'm a bad mom and I haven't even done anything yet! Imagine what I'll be like when he's born! He'll hate me!" While I talked, more and more tears started falling down my cheeks and it wasn't long before I was full out sobbing. Lester lifted me out of the seat, sat down himself, and cradled me into his arms.
"Shhh. Shhh. Por favor, deje de llorar, Beautiful. Todo será bien. No se preocupe. Todo será bien, te lo prometo. Te lo prometo," he whispered into my ear, rocking me gently. He repeated that once more time before he started humming some random tune. I don't know how long it took but eventually my crying quieted down until there was only an occasional hiccup.
"I want to be a good mom. I don't want him to hate me, Lester," I said quietly. Looking into his, Bobby's and Tanks eyes I saw amused disbelief and lots of support.
"You will be the most amazing mom, Beautiful. Don't ever doubt that. You're not that far along. And not to mention all that's happened, of course you haven't considered that stuff yet. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Other things have been on your mind. And your child could never hate you. No one could hate you. Not even if they tried." His voice dropped so low at the last sentence, almost as if he hadn't meant to say it out loud.
"He's right, Angel. It's ok. You haven't done anything wrong."
"You just accepted your pregnancy and told us about it. You didn't have time to plan anything yet. Don't worry though," Tank patted my knee, "that's what we're here for. I told you back in the garage that we'll always be there for you and this baby boy. We meant it."
The wave of relieve that rolled through me was dizzying. My eyes started to feel heavy so I closed them and leaned my head back on Lester's shoulder. "Thank you. All of you. I don't know how I'd get through this without you."
"You'll never have to find out, Angel."
Lester spoke again. "It's been a long day, Beautiful. What do you say we get you into bed, ok? You and the baby need a good rest."
"Mmk," I mumbled into his neck. Listening to car doors opening and closing and an engine starting was the last thing I heard before I passed out.
The next thing I knew, I was being carried in someones arms but I didn't bother to open my eyes. I'm not even sure I could have if I tried. An elevator door opened and a second later closed. A few moments passed before they whooshed open again and I was carried somewhere. Room doors opened as we moved through the area. I was gently placed on my side on a soft, comfortable bed. Someone took my shoes off. My jacket, hair clip, and jewelry followed quickly. Covers were pulled over me and I was tucked in.
"Goodnight," a gentle voice whispered against my temple.
"No," I whined, blindly reaching for whoever was with me. "Stay. Please. I don't want to wake up alone again. Not today." I said sleepily.
Mumbled voices talked around me but I couldn't make out what was said or who said it.
Just when I thought I was going to have to ask again, I felt the covers lift and a warm body slid in next to me, pulling me against itself.
"Sleep." The warm body gently demanded.
No sooner had the word left his mouth had I succumbed to the darkness.
Por favor, deje de llorar, Beautiful. Todo será bien. No se preocupe. Todo será bien, te lo prometo. Te lo prometo.
Please stop crying, Beautiful. It will be ok. Don't worry. It will be ok, I promise. I promise."
