Author's note: There was always more to this story, and still more to come. Thanks for the reviews - I like to receive feedback about whether I am achieving the right affect.
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Barbara sat huddled against the kitchen bench until the sun rose. She had no conscious thought just a numbness that inhabited every cell. All she could see was the pain on Tommy's face when she had told him she was not in love with him. She stood slowly and went to shower. As the warm water streamed over her face it mixed with the saltiness of her dried tears. She dreaded facing him at work but she had no choice.
He was easy to fool at times; her eyes reflected what she thought, not what she said. All she had had to do was to add a 'not' into her sentence. He had trusted her to tell him the truth and no matter what she said in future he would always believe what she had said tonight. It had been the right thing to do but she knew she had lost him. If dying now had been an option she would have gladly taken it for without Tommy she had nothing, was nothing. If only I had kept my trap shut about him remarrying!
She stopped by the supermarket on her way to work to buy supplies. She would camouflage her red nose and eyes under the guise of the flu. Armed with a box of tissues, some throat lozenges, a nasal spray and some painkillers she walked past Winston and collapsed into her chair aware that everyone was staring at her. "Morning. I've got some sort of bug so don't get too close." Her voice sounded raw which she thought was convincing.
Winston Nkata was a faithful friend and brought her some coffee and a warning, "Hillier's in a rage this morning. Something about the DI. Any idea what's happened?"
Barbara swallowed four paracetamol with the coffee hoping it might ease the throb in her temples. "No, none." Fear gripped her. I hope he hasn't done anything stupid.
Hillier must have had a spy and within a minute of her arriving she had received a summons to his office. "Enter," he boomed when she knocked of his door.
"You wanted to see me Sir."
"Yes Sergeant Havers I did." He looked up and saw her appearance. "Are you unwell?"
"Flu Sir."
"Does DI Lynley have the flu as well?"
"Er, no idea Sir. I haven't seen him as yet. I was a bit late Sir. I stopped to get some medication." She had seen his car in the car park and assumed he was in his office but now she remembered he had left it there last night.
"So you don't know then?"
Barbara was becoming increasingly worried. "No Sir, what's wrong?" she asked impatiently.
"DI Lynley sent me his resignation to me by email at four fifteen this morning." Hillier waited to see her response. Barbara recognized his scrutiny and kept her face as expressionless as she could.
"Did he say why Sir?"
"In a way. Let me read it to you. I, Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley, hereby resign my commission from the Metropolitan Police Service with immediate effect. I apologize for not being able to work out my notice period but I received news of a personal nature tonight that has rendered me unable to meet my commitment or serve under the oath I took.
"It has been an honour and a privilege to work for the Metropolitan Police and to serve under you. Whilst we have not always seen eye to eye I have enormous respect for you as a police officer and mentor." Hillier actually snorted and Barbara wanted to punch him.
"I would appreciate if, at an appropriate time, you could tell Detective Sergeant Havers that I am sorry to have let her down. She is the finest and mostly morally courageous officer I have worked with and has the best instincts of any detective I know. I trust Sir that you will provide her with every opportunity to further her career. I feel that the last few years working with me has actually hampered her career and I would encourage her to complete her exams with a view to the promotion she richly deserves.
"Please arrange to have my personal effects forwarded to my mother at Howenstowe. Once again my apologies and my thanks. Well Havers, what do you think?"
Barbara was staring at him. He actually resigned! Why forward his effects to his mother? "I'm shocked Sir."
"You had no idea? He never mentioned anything? Did you see him last night? I thought that might have been why you have been crying."
"I did see him last night. He mentioned it in passing Sir but I did not think he meant it. And I have the flu Sir."
"Whatever. Do you know what his news was? Is he seriously ill?"
"Not that I know of Sir but..."
"Spit it out Havers."
"Don't you think it is odd that he wants his effects sent to his mother?"
"You think this is a suicide note?"
"No Sir," she answered quickly, "I don't think so but I would like to send DC Nkata over to check he is okay."
Hillier looked at her suspiciously. "I would have thought you would go, seeing you are his partner. Take Nkata if you want to. Let me know what happens. I wrote back to him giving him a week's leave to sort out his issues. Are you working on anything major?"
"Thanks Sir. No, I can re-assign most things to the rest of the team. I don't think I'll come back though once I have checked on the DI. I might take today as sick leave."
"Good idea, but only after you find him and can tell me what is going on. Much and all as you have both given me grief over the years you two are still a formidable detective team and I would prefer him to come back to work. Keep me informed Havers."
Barbara took a few minutes in the Ladies to wash her face and pull her thoughts together. She did not feel ready to face Tommy yet but knew she had to find the strength. Despite what she had said to Hillier this was something she had to face alone.
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The curtains were drawn in all the windows and Tommy did not respond to her to her knocking. She had already tried his phone but it went straight through to voicemail. She had left a message but held little hope he would return her call. She hated to do it but Tommy had given her a key when he had returned to work after the Julia Oborne case so she let herself into his house. With the curtains drawn the light was muted but she instantly knew he was not here. She quickly searched all the main rooms but found no clues as to where he had gone. In the kitchen she came across his mobile phone, switched off and lifeless lying next to his laptop. Propped against them was an envelope labelled "Barbara". Her hands trembled as she opened it unsure what it would reveal.
My Dearest Barbara,
I knew you would use the key and find this note before anyone else got involved.
I do not have the words to convince you how sorry I am about my behaviour this morning. As I normally do, I got so carried away with my own feelings that I neglected to consider the impact on you at a time when you should have been my whole focus. Understanding my feelings had brought me a joy and peace and hope for the future beyond any of my other foolish infatuations but I was wrong to assume that it would be mutual. Even if it had been, I was boorish and clumsy; hardly the behaviour you would have expected from 'my lot'.
I will carry the pain in your eyes as my burden. Believe me when I say that I did not intend to devalue our friendship, something that means more to me than life itself. You are right to say that you cannot decide to be in love but there can be a point in time when you recognise what the assorted emotions and thoughts that have rumbled through your head actually mean. For me that point was last night. Your suggestion about me remarrying made me question why I had no interest in anyone but you. It was as if I looked back through a prism where all the colours of my feelings coalesced into a pure white light and I suddenly knew my love for you was absolute.
My most heartfelt wish as I write this was that I could have found the right words to touch your soul. Oh that you had been in love with me, then this morning would be ending so differently. I fear I pressed too hard but alas any words would have been in vain if you truly do not love me. There was an ephemeral flicker that passed your eyes that gives me the very faintest hope that were I to pry away the layers of armour around your heart I would find it beats for me. Even though I fear it can never be, a small part of me hopes still that if you look in your prism you would also see light and know where to find me.
But whatever happens do not blame yourself; it is my failings that have brought us here. You have given me more than I could ever have asked for in a friend and colleague and I want you to remember me as I was with you all those years and not as the fool I proved to be.
Forever yours as you need me to be,
Tommy
If she had never understood before how infinitesimal the line between pleasure and pain was, then reading this letter made it clear to her. Barbara re-read the letter trying to fathom its true meaning. Why can't he write in plain bloody English instead of some semi-poetic Oxfordese! She should show this to Hillier but she knew she never would, regardless of what happened. She understood too that Tommy was relying on her not to share it. The intent was clear enough. Tommy was setting her a challenge to find him. She could only solve it if she was in love with him, and if she was not and she could not find him in time then most certainly he would disappear forever. She did not want to think he might kill himself but she knew he was capable.
"This is ridiculous!" she shouted to the room, "You have no right to do this to me. Of course I am in love with you!" She stopped and looked around half hoping that he would spring from hiding. Nothing happened and the silence became oppressive.
Her only hope was to try and think this through logically. Tommy was counting on two things – her detective skills and her knowledge of him. There was no point in searching hospital admissions or international checkpoints. He was still alive waiting for her somewhere only she could work out but somewhere accessible. She had no idea what he considered a reasonable time but thought in his current state of mind two to three days would be all he would wait. Even though she must know the answer already there were things she could do. If he wanted her to play detective she should start doing all the things they would normally do. She rang Winston.
"Barbara, did you find the DI?"
"No." Barbara debated whether to tell Winston about the letter but decided against it. "I think he is safe for the moment though. Does it sound silly to say I think he has set me a challenge to find him?"
"Nothing would surprise me with the DI sometimes but if anyone can find him you can. You know him better than he knows himself. The question is does he know you well enough to stay hidden?"
"I'm about to head back to the office. Can you do the customary checks please with hospitals and airports? Any chance you can dig up the CCTV footage from here from about four o'clock onwards? I would like to see what he was wearing when he left; whether he caught a cab or walked etcetera. You know the sort of thing. Also if you can, do a bank check. Has he used his credit cards today?"
"Okay I'm onto it. See you soon."
Barbara turned on his phone and was surprised to see it was fully powered as he was notoriously bad at keeping it charged. She had seen his swipe pattern often enough to be able to open it. He wanted me to find this. There were several voicemails and she listened to them all. The only one that was puzzling was from his mother who it seemed had received an email at an ungodly hour. Barbara
took a deep breath and phoned his mother.
"Oh Tommy thank God you are alright. I was so worried after your email."
Barbara interrupted her, "I'm sorry Lady Asherton it is Havers here, Barbara Havers."
"Oh my God, what's he done? Is he alright?"
"I don't know Lady Asherton. He was disappeared. He sent in a letter of resignation about four a.m. and is not at his house. We currently do not know his whereabouts."
"His whereabouts. He's my son Barbara and your partner and you talk about him so coldly as if he is any missing person. He's been spurned. He doesn't handle love or rejection very well."
Barbara's stomach fell. How much does she know? "I'm sorry. I am just trying to understand where he might be. I listened to his voicemail and understand he sent you a message. Can I ask what it said?"
"It just said 'Sorry Mother, please forgive me. It came too late for me but I understand now the colours of love. You were right all those years ago; it is not black or white. Love Tommy." Dorothy Lynley started to weep.
Barbara found it hard to stay detached. She wanted to comfort his mother in some way. "I understand Lady Asherton. I will do everything I can to find him, I promise you."
"I know you will find him. You're the only one he will let find him." Lady Asherton rang off leaving Barbara to ponder exactly what she had meant. Why can't that lot just say what they mean!
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Back at the station Barbara started to focus on what she knew about him that would lead her to him. She used a whiteboard to map all the main locations of his life and added all his old addresses and key points to the list and slowly eliminated them. Howenstowe was out – it was too far and his mother was there and yet he had sent her a goodbye message. For that reason Nanrunnel was also out but Cornwall generally offered plenty of memories and potential hiding places. Eton was unlikely as was Oxford because they were places she would feel alienated and not welcomed. Where ever he was it was somewhere she had been with him. She struck the schools from the list and now put a larger question mark against Cornwall. She started to add the locations from all their cases. Most were around London but many were from around the country. There first case had been in Yorkshire but he hated it there because of his earlier time with Nies. She crossed it from the list. Within an hour she had narrowed the list to less than a dozen locations but she had no idea whether or not she was on the right track.
"Barbara, I have some info," Winston said sticking his head in the door.
"Come in. What did you find?"
"He bought six flasks of single malt scotch from an all-night off licence at about five o'clock then withdrew a thousand pounds from an ATM outside London Victoria Station near his house about twenty minutes later but nothing since then. It appears he then got into a cab. We are trying to trace it but it will take a while."
"Have you pulled the CCTV footage? Do we know what he was wearing?"
"Yes but nothing yet."
"Thanks Winston. Do we know if he went into the station at any point?"
"No but he uses that ATM a lot according to his records so I think it is just convenience."
"See what you can come up with. I am going to head out and check a few places. I should be back in a couple of hours."
"Sure. Your cold seems to be clearing up."
"Drugs Winston. Thank Mr Boots."
Barbara coughed and blew her nose for effect then raced from the office. She decided to check her flat just in case but when he was not there she tried the hill where he often went to think. She had found him there after Helen's funeral. Beside the seat there was an empty scotch bottle, his brand, and she wondered if he was leaving her a trail. She looked around carefully in case he was watching her then bagged the bottle as evidence. She would keep it for now but if she needed to she could have it checked for his DNA. This was feeling more and more like a test which both irritated her and intrigued her. It certainly made her more determined to find him.
On instinct she drove to his house. Inside she expected to find nothing but in the kitchen she was shocked to see his phone was gone although his laptop was still there. In place of the phone was another empty scotch flask. "You bastard. You came back to check!"
She returned to the office an hour later after checking some other locations without success. She marked up her list and the hill received a green tick. She was sure she was on the right track. He was leading her somewhere that had meaning for them both. She just wished she could guess where. Despite the bottles being empty she had no idea if he was sober or not. She suspected he was drinking heavily but he could just as easily have poured it out. Damn you Tommy where are you? She was becoming frustrated and knew that would cloud her thoughts when Winston came in. It was the relief she needed."Any more leads from the CCTV Winston?"
"Nah. He had on a coat and shirt at the ATM but he could blend with a hundred other punters on the streets. We don't have the resources to find him and we would need a warrant to get specialised help."
"Okay thanks Winston. Where do trains from Victoria go?"
"The South Coast mainly I think. Do you think he caught a train?"
"I'm willing to consider anything at this point."
"Ok I'll get you a timetable."
Barbara reviewed her list for any link to the South Coast. It was not the most direct way to Cornwall and he had no obvious link to anywhere there. Then she spotted it – the Shand case when they had stayed in that caravan together. That made perfect sense. It had been somewhere she had once been happy and he was uncomfortable but it had been fun being there together. The more she thought about it the more logical it seemed. It was certainly somewhere only she would think to look. Barbara was almost excited when Winston returned.
"You look much happier," he said.
"I think I know where he is Winston."
"Great, I'll get my coat."
"Sorry. I can't tell you why but this is something I have to do alone."
Winston looked puzzled but then nodded knowingly. "I get it," he said with a big smile, "just say the right things and get him back eh."
"I'll try Winston, I will try."
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As Barbara drove she worried that she might be wrong and losing time. Then she worried about what to say if she did find him. Would he read it as affirmation of her being in love with him and assume she would fall into his arms or would they fight again or….or…or! She was struggling to work out not only what to say but how she felt. She was angry with him but she was also angry with herself. She could have handled last night much better but what would have been the point; they could never be married their worlds were just too different and Barbara had no intention of being his mistress. There was no future in it. Surely he must see that! The main thing now was to find him, alive and then they could sort it out from there.
When Barbara pulled up outside the caravan park she was not sure whether her greatest fear was finding him here, or not finding him. The park had altered little since their last visit despite now being part of a national chain. A few licks of paint here and there but no real changes. She entered the office to find a pleasant middle-aged bald man in a tie and knitted vest behind the counter. She smiled at the image. She introduced herself and flashed her warrant card. This type of man would like that.
"I don't suppose you have had a man check in here this morning? Tall, dark hair, well-spoken, possibly been drinking, may have asked for a specific van."
The man was guarded. "If I did, what has he done? Murder?"
"No; nothing so dramatic Sir. He witnessed a traumatic event this morning and we think he may have come here to hide for a while."
"Oh," the man said obviously disappointed, "he paid cash in advance for four days and said he did not want to be disturbed. Quite rude really. Not the type we normally get at a van park."
Barbara sighed in relief. "Thanks," she said dashing out the door and running hard down the rows of vans to the one they had shared. She could hear the loud snores of a drunken man inside. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
