It rained.
It rained, and it drenched me to the bone. Through my light pyjamas until it had covered itself everywhere across my body.
It had at least made crying a little easier. My face, the sniffling sounds I made became less noticeable as they washed away. The musty smell of the rain rising from the pavement was at least much more pleasant than the smoke. Should I be getting away from this? It wasn't as if I had simply started a fire. I had caused something else entirely. I didn't even know what 'it' was! I should never give into my curiosity again! I couldn't! I would keep that part of myself locked away and I wouldn't need it again! Shouldn't I stay indoors for days? No more Nationhood, no more lights, and no more beckoning me to become what I am not -
As the light from the passing cars drew by, I shook and turned away each time. I could hardly walk along the pavement without a sense of apprehension.
That's where my home was? I see it in the distance, holding a strong familiarity - even in the dark - vision is blurry. It's been hard to focus on anything with these burning eyes. I had been trawling through the rain for what seemed like hours. No, it mustn't have been hours; it wasn't far from the square. How did time go by while I was held in battle? In a space in-between us and the rest of the universe, does time move there at all? It was still as dark as ever.
There was no fire for there to suddenly be a fire. Did the fire grow the longer I stayed inside? The fire, with its sickly green glow. I'm sure nobody was inside there. Nobody was inside there. Nobody –
I shivered and threw up in my mouth a little. I continued to cry. They never found Nations. Not even as suspected Nation has been shut away before. But I transformed almost instantly? How could I have escaped what I'd done? Someone would surely find me soon. How long had Germany been moving around? Starting nowhere. Ending nowhere.
I reached for the doorknob. I could faintly see its brown glow with the light from the rain. The metal was a welcoming sort of cold. My weak hands turned to open it.
So quiet. My parents were still sound asleep. I didn't think I would wake them with my crying. The rest of the living room and kitchen was hard to make out in the dark. The gold of the walls and pale carpet barely visible. It was at least warm in here. I had escaped the rain at last. The bannister, which lead upstairs, was to the left of me. I could move my hands around until I could feel it. Trying to trace it, but not so gracefully. I placed my hand on the smooth oak and attempted to bring myself up the stairwell. I could feel myself almost tripping on the first step, feet scrapping on the carpet. I managed to drag myself upstairs and pushed open the door to my bedroom, the second door on the right. I was so glad to see my bed again! Its frame of white bright against the rest of my room. Although, it wasn't that I would be able to sleep tonight. Where was Amina? Probably in my parents' room, or downstairs. It would have been too dark notice her, even with her bright green eyes which tended to light up anyway. I missed her. I had seen her yesterday, but I really did miss her. I stepped carefully enough to mind my easel just by the wardrobe. Had I not put any of my art equipment away? What was the time? I notice the clock: 1: 45 am. So, time hadn't passed or had barely done so? I pushed it onto the floor, so I wouldn't have to stare into its green glow or hear it pesteringly tick as I laid down. It was to the left of my bed where some of my unmade bedsheets poured over. It's plastic body making a pathetic 'thud' as it hit the ground.
I notice that little orb. Reflecting the world in all its beauty – I still had it.
It must have been in my pocket and had been returned to me after I had switched forms. It had quiet hum and images of purity, serenity. A cloudless sky – it's fury unbearable. A deceptive object, creator of deceptive creatures. I looked up, noticing my curtains were still slightly open. The white, now grey, curtains flapping in the wind. Odd patches of rain hitting the sides. I returned to sitting, with my eye on the window frame. I pulled myself up, being as careful as I could to not stand on my clock, pushing it away with my foot. I didn't have the heart to destroy it.
I shifted the window entirely to the right. I could faintly see the various trees below me. The drops of rain hitting them, shining for a moment then disappearing as the light changed. I was still sniffing but at least my crying no longer overpowered the rain. I took a deep breath and a second to wipe some of the tears from my face. Placing my hands on the edge of my window and firmly holding the orb in my right; I focused on the distance of the night which stood ahead of me. I held the orb up to my face for what I thought would be the last time. It was still so wonderful! The little planet dancing in motion. Its patterns and promises of peace trying to tempt me back. How dare it?! The pain it had caused me, everyone, its beauty was mocking just that. I threw it. Thank goodness! I shut the windows tightly and headed straight back to my bed.
I laid there, for how long? My shallow breath rattling, my heart beating inside my head. A thought came over me - It would survive the fall wouldn't it? What if it ended up in someone else's hands? I would be responsible for their misery then. I would be forcing someone else to take on my pain. Pain which I had brought on by myself. I shuddered, why did I have to be such a coward? Why couldn't I accept my own failure to –
There was a crashing sound as shards of glass flew everywhere.
A few hit the bed. The rest seemed to go in all directions. I ducked and then curled myself up to avoid getting them launched into my skin. Something behind me hit the floor. Was it? Of course, it was. I shifted the rest of my body to be upright again and turned to the side and look to my carpet. It had come back to me. Its glow lighting up the cream of the floor, making it an earthy brown. I should have expected it – but I felt sick – entirely at its mercy. I lifted myself from the bed. The slow movement of my quivering arms and legs made it take an almost unbearable amount of time. What is it – what do you want with me? I was still crying; my tears fell on it. Yet, this 'world' remained happy.
"You threw me away," a whisper from somewhere.
"W-wh-what!" I attempted to scream at it "W-wh-where are you!"
"It's me, I'm here."
There was some kind of rupture all across the room. An earthquake? I moved back. I tried to run, only to fall onto the floor; twisting my entire foot as I fell. Of all the things I had encountered today, who knew what would injure me would be my own carpet? I clenched onto it. Not noticeable wounds or blood at least. The rumbling soon after ceased. I looked back at the orb as I laid on the floor. It became entirely pink, then red - something was starting to rise from it.
A mist, which swirled upwards and seconds later stood a fully formed human. Not an abomination, or anything that would bend the imagination. Just, a normal human who looked, almost - exactly like me.
His colours were entirely different to my human ones, his eyes were an unnatural deep pink, in comparison to my brown ones. His hair was slightly darker as well and carried a red tint. Yet: the shape of his face, his large eyes to the curl on the side of his head, he was me. The brown uniform he wore, reminiscent of war. Did mine look like that as a Nation? Just in another colour? I could have sworn I was wearing blue. Then I remembered Lutz, how much he looked like Germany. He was like a mirror of him, albeit a darker one. A grim reflection of his future?
I just about managed not to scream. I bit my lip. He tilted his head.
"Italy, calm down," He held his gaze before taking the time to blink "I'm sorry I couldn't be there earlier. I really should have done something, it all moved too fast for me."
"Wh-who are you?"
"You can call me Luciano."
"Lu-Luciano. Are you - me?"
He shook his head "I'm almost a part of you but that's not what you're asking, is it?"
I carefully nodded and managed to find the energy to kneel. I didn't want to look at him, and I kept my head to the ground.
"I keep this for so it's more comfortable for you to communicate with me."
Form? What did he really look like? Why of all things did he manifest as me? I gulped, he forced my thoughts back into picturing my own Nation self. Perhaps I was just as bad as what I had fought today?
"Why-why me. Why does it have to be me Lu-Luciano? Was what I've done that awful to make me…"
"This isn't awful, Italy, it's jus-"
"What do you mean this isn't awful! You – I turned into a monster! I have no idea if I killed someone – when I caused that fire and held those weapons – I looked, felt just like those Nations of old did. Did I really fix time, did Germany just tell me so I wouldn't feel sad? I'm probably hurting him, too aren't I?" I held my head in my hands to try and prevent myself from crying again, it didn't work. All this guilt, I couldn't get rid of it.
There were moments of silence, did Luciano not know how to respond? I felt a gentle tap on my arm.
"It's nowhere near as bad as you think."
Was Luciano's touch actually warm? Did he just make it that way because he somehow could? It is resonating with my rattling skin. The sense of heat ran through my body. He placed it on my arm for a few seconds, oh god, get off me! I bashed it away, I think I would have hurt him if he hadn't been this ethereal – thing! The cosy spikes of his 'skin' ran fuzzy. "As bad as I think? Bad as I –"
I kept sobbing. It was as if every little small reminder set me off. I couldn't control my thoughts. What I needed to do if I was to get even the slightest amount of sleep tonight. Luciano wanted to confront me. I couldn't duck this life in the way that I wanted to. I was bound to it now. There was no escape, no matter where I went. I wanted to force myself to listen to Luciano; even if my entire body told me I hated him. "Why-how can, I -"
"You're asking how it can be any better than you think it is?" Luciano replied calmly.
I struggled to move my tongue, make any words at all. Too bogged down by the phlegm clinging to my throat, pouring from my nose. I forced a nod.
"First of all, this job is only a temporary one."
"W-w-what?"
I had always thought Nations were immortal spirits. Even if stripped of human form, they always endured in some way.
"Y-you can take my Nationhood from me?" I asked.
"I don't take it away, it – goes away on its own."
"How – How do I get rid of it then?"
Luciano sighed before folding his arms. "You know that beast you fought today?"
"Beast – would be a kind word to describe it."
"Well, it's actually called an anomaly. They are representative of 'abnormalities' in human history, and time itself is kind of important to the existence of the universe, I thought -"
"Thought what?"
"You would treat this role with a bit more respect!"
"Respect? R-Respect!" I huffed. Beginning to scramble around on the floor. I gripped the carpet and pulled myself closer to him. A faint voice inside me wanted to hurt him, it immediately flickered out. I placed both arms back onto the carpet. He looked down at me, kind of dear. I grovelled at his feet.
"Please, just take this away from me," I gulped. "Take me back and let me live my life as I was supposed to. I'm – I'm not the warrior you think I am or made me into. Unless there is – is another reason?" I took a moment to catch my breath. I was drowning in myself again.
"Another reason?"
"A-a-am I cursed o-or something?"
A smirk appeared on his face. His eyes appeared to light up a little. "Nothing of the sort!"
"Then w-w-why am I – you here? How come –"
"You don't need to be cursed to become a Nation, you don't need to be anything at all. It is almost random in its nature."
"Bu-but I h-had to meet Ludwig, I had to, and I'm only tied up in this because – because he is too!"
"Ludwig had nothing to do with it. You met with him, that was it. Lutz saw you and decided to help you. The only factor that gave you this life was luck," He paused, appeared to look at the wall and then back to me. "In other words, you could have easily avoided it, if you had not decided to leave the house tonight. It was all a matter of circumstance."
"Ho-How do you know?"
"I'm almost a part of you now, so I know a lot about you actually…"
I faced down and shivered. My body rattling not out of anger this time. He wasn't me, but a part of me. A part of me I could not see? Only the part that turned me into a Nation? I felt a cold sweat and coughed.
"You're Feliciano Vargas, but really you are Italy. You grew up here in this town, this room, and have lived here for your entire life. I mean, really you've barely moved around at all, in any way and -"
My brain had shut him off at this point. Having this stranger list off my life in such a mundane manner made my stomach drop. It was bile inducing. A sense of invasion, almost of the soul. I couldn't listen.
"Feliciano?"
"I-I stopped listening."
I slowly lifted my head, he quickly blinked at me and then shook his head.
"I-don't care how you can know all that, but I would like to know more about getting my life back –"
Luciano kneeled down, now I could see his face at my level. I could closely see his fuchsia eyes, they held no emotion. Just vague imprints of one which had long left.
"Nations are a collective, correct?"
"I suppose that m-makes sense?"
"By embodying a collective, you not only become a lot physically stronger, but a lot mentally stronger too. It's why the transformation saved you from dying to what you saw."
"Y-yes?"
Luciano shook his head again. He seemed a little displeased at the interruption.
"The only reason you were able to make sense of anything afterwards is because your body was in operation on a collective level. It was effectively acting as many brain waves which combine into one!"
I twisted my head and tried to move out of that 'begging' pose. I saw the cream of the carpet in Luciano's pinkish light. It was an almost sickly tint. It changed the colour of the floor to that of flesh. Luciano's eyes gently followed mine as I moved them.
"On top of that, Nations has full access to the manpower of their military but in a more abstract form." He turned to mimic my face. "You managed to at least do something with that, didn't you?" now he was flipping his head from side to side. Almost in an attempt to be 'cute'. I tried and forced smile at him but couldn't. It's fake.
No, Luciano, I don't think you're going to cheer me up. I can tell you're trying.
I hid my face from him instead. Placing my hand over my eyes and shutting them. "I th-think I did?"
"A crossbow, right?"
"Yes."
"I think Germany could have died if you hadn't have done anything!"
"Do-don't say that!"
Please, just let me curl up into nothing...
"Why you did something great!" he laughed.
I attempted to mutter something, which probably sounded like a prompt of curiosity to Luciano.
"The anomaly you fought today was one called 'Deneb Adige' and in terms of raw strength, it was actually one of the weakest I've seen."
Luciano's fuzzy body shuffled. My eyes still shut, I'm guessed he had moved from the floor. "It's not a reason to be disheartened though, you'll have to face many more of all kinds. Weaker and stronger. If you've done it today, you've proved to yourself you can take on much more later."
"I'm the weakest fighter of anyone I – I know. I don't want – can't fight anything." I shake my head, do I dare look at him, even as I attempt to sit up? My leg still hurts. I want to sit up. Was I done looking this sorry for myself?
"It's not a matter of you Italy! In terms of sheer strength, you actually far from the weake-!"
"My body can't handle the change let alone use the – " I screamed at him before being cut off.
"Please! Italy! Calm down! Calm down!"
Luciano sighed. Blinking, I saw that he gestured to me. His hands were calling me to stand up. I was comfortable just staying here, on the floor. Yet, I couldn't disobey him. I moved myself up from the carpet as carefully as possible. I jerked my foot again and made a quiet yelp of pain. I wanted to keep my eyes closed, but they more or less twitched. I didn't see if Luciano had a reaction to my quiet scream. There was at least no audible one.
"You've got to take this as it comes!"
I not only shut my eyes but faced away from him.
"If I do that, then won't I just k-kill myself?"
"You need to destroy the anomalies as quickly as they appear, the less you think about it the easier it becomes. Once all of the anomalies are cleared, then you'll become human again."
My comment must have gone over his head.
"What if I don't destroy them! What then!"
"Not only will you spend a lot longer living in-between your human and your nation state for practically eternity, but the anomalies would reach this world. Twisting and reforming places that once made sense, slowly twisting them into dimensions beyond human and then Nation comprehension."
"So, I'm a m-monster regardless of if I do nothing or do – something?!"
"This world will be affected regardless of what you do, Nations are a small part of everything and everywhere. Try focusing next time, you'll feel your heartbeat matches the wind. You'll be able to hear birds tweet and water running from miles away. Nations might be associated with war, but really, they can be one with nature too."
He grinned, I couldn't help it. I burst out into tears again. How had I not run out of tears? His smile had just pushed me over the edge.
"You're not helping! Stop complimenting me! Stop! People died today, at my hand and I just need to stop it, just need to – "
I threw my arms up and screamed. I had to face him, stand next to him. I stood up and am no longer below him, I see I was his equal as he was mine. Aside from his beret, Luciano was the exact same height as me, and his eyes held the same steady gaze.
"It'll end eventually, but for now you can do good," his eyes held a kind of glint. "The end justifies the means, does it not?"
"I don't care. I don't care, I just want to stop being a destroyer, in any kind in any way. Killing people is no justification for anything! It doesn't matter, It doesn't -"
I couldn't stop myself from screaming again. A reminder of the constant feeling of scratching at my throat.
"Italy, Italy. Come here…"
He moved to place his arms around me. His body still far from natural in feeling, I wondered if he realised this? I could struggle out of it, I could easily break away from his arms. I didn't want to upset him. Instead, I moved my arms around him instead. He let me gently cry into his chest.
"You know, I haven't been able to speak to anyone in a long time. I'm glad the first person I got to speak to was you, Italy."
Did he really mean that? Could Luciano even feel genuine emotion, considering what he was supposed to be? I was a Nation, feeling all this emotion now. Perhaps what I thought of as 'Human' emotion was a far wider range than I had expected.
Luciano, I wish to believe you are telling the truth.
I took a deep breath, and spoke entirely for myself: "Luciano, I would very much like to try and get some sleep now…"
"Oh, right. You should!" he laughed again, I thought his laugh held a twinge of malice. I forced myself into laughing back. My throat still burning from the endless crying I had been doing. I pushed myself away from Luciano slowly, so he didn't notice and wouldn't get distraught.
"You're going to survive for me, Italy, okay. You're going to live as a Nation and only die as a human. I'll make that promise to you now. You'll get through this, come out stronger the other side."
Luciano faded away, the orb below his feet flashed and he disappeared. The room was left in complete darkness again.
As he left, I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A temporary sense of freedom which was quickly crushed as reality came back to me. There was no amount of promises he could make that would convince me to change my mind: I was longer a good person, and I was not safe.
I picked the orb back up and caressed it in my right hand. Was Luciano waiting for me there? Sleeping? Was he nothing in the time he was away from me? But he had his own thoughts and feelings away from mine. Is the energy of a whole living being – and more protected in this tiny sphere?
What if I crushed it here and now? Got a hammer and saw if it split apart? Saw it's shards scatter across my room, like little crystals or fragments of the ocean, now solid? Removed all the conciseness from it and the Nationhood.
Why – how could I even think of that?
It didn't matter what Luciano was, living, dead, neither. He meant me no harm. No matter how much he wanted to bind me to this life. He might have too, been my only escape. I felt a burning sensation rising through my body. I gasped and sighed but still keep tight hold in the orb. I placed it carefully on the bedside table, just above where I had knocked my clock off. I can't believe I had thought of doing that! Destroying the life that was possibly contained within there…
Looking at the circle, I wondered how my Nationhood isn't so weak. The sphere is light and warm to the tough. Graceful, not strong. My life depended on it, far too much.
I took the bedsheets back from the mess they were in. All of their colour appearing grey in this very limited light. I don't normally sleep on the right side of my body. I couldn't look at all the light streaming from that side this time.
I shut my eyes. Focused on nothing. Hoped for the best.
There wasn't much point in hoping.
The only sleep which was brought to me was in periodic flashes. My thoughts resurfacing again and again. Any mix of reality and unreality will be imperfect. This dimension and that dimension cannot converge without shattering. Yet, they did so in my mind. Perfectly clear. I still see the beast – the anomalies eyes. Their glow so sickly, looking straight at me. Screaming from all angels. Screaming in this world and back into that world. I think what would have happened had I run away, just then. Would the town had become trapped in an indiscernible landscape? Snaring and ripping it to pieces? I would have killed more people for sure, probably even Ludwig would be dead. They would all be dead! Or forgotten. I would have been so much more to blame for so much more disaster. Dying would be no use to me. My fate was tied to everyone's now. If I tell them what I'm doing they would kill me anyway. Or worse, with no second thoughts.
I was selfish to think of my own death, selfish, selfish so selfish.
Wrestling with my bedsheets was a challenge. Wrapping over one another. The momentary and sporadic moments I had managed to sleep I awoke in a cold sweat. My body refusing sleep in any way it could. When my mind wasn't racing with questions I focused on my body. Random pains simultaneously appearing and vanishing. Others never fading, I must have twisted my side from each time I changed position. My heart-beat physically dragged my body down. I could almost feel myself dying.
I laid on my back. It was the only position that didn't hurt now. The pain in my body stopped for a second. Yet, my body was heavy, so heavy. A stone-like case. I couldn't move even my eyes. It was as black as it ever was. Was it? Something dark is standing by the door. No, somebody was standing by the door. It was coming towards me. Slowly but surely. It was as if it was looking to strike its target. I've got to get out. I've got to get out. Did I recognize this sensation? I've had nights where I've seen shadows out the corner of my eye. They would flicker, gone almost an instant after I had seen them. This one stayed put though and was more than just shadows. This one had appeared twisting, black framed shadow, then red. A perfectly formed human in every way. I tried to move my fingers or toes. Nothing. I told myself I could get out of this. It was getting closer. It was right next to my bed. I saw how it has hair which bounces as it moves. It's – Its clothing appeared blue? The exact shade of blue I had worn as Italy. I saw how he places his hands on me. One hand on my right and one on my left. The rest of his entire body between me. His chest was resting on mine. Tightly, tightly. I can't breathe. I want to scream. I know I can only scream internally. Not a single part of my body could do anything. His eyes were amber even with a glow. How could he have so much colour? Was he just a shadow? I told myself this will be over soon. That I could end this myself. He rested there, a soft smug grin. Nation? Demon? Are they the same thing? There are whispers, something in a mocking tone. I can't tell what it is, but it fills my body. I'm dying, I'm dying. There are flashes of blackness. He was still there. He was so happy I'm dying. Let me breathe – let me –
Time descended, after minutes of panic I awoke. There was a small light shining through the window through the curtains. In a rush, I went and looked down at the clock. I see underneath the pile of my bedsheets: 4: 12 am. The night had continued at a similar pace.
