My Shepard is Earthborn Ruthless
John opened his eyes Kaidan was beside him watching him with sadness. He knew he was dreaming he had to be because his Kaidan was dead. John just looked at him.
"I'm sorry John."Kaidan said sadly.
"What do I do now without you?" He closed his eyes when Kaidan's hand touched his cheeks.
"Live my handsome commander lives."
"Not without you. Who can love me as you love me? Kaidan take me with you."
"I can't do that, what I can do is promise you that I'll look after you forever, I love you John..."
"I love you Kaidan."
"Shepard ... Shepard." Liara shook him after hearing him crying in his sleep.
John woke up and looked at Liara, but he could not talk he just snuggled in her arms crying nonstop. He almost couldn't sleep all night tossing and turning in bed. He was used to sleeping next to Kaidan. There was time during last night when he forgot that Kaidan wasn't at his side, and he expanded his arm to find Kaidan's side of the bed empty. In a while, he had to get ready and wait for Anderson to go to break the bad news to Kaidan's parents, and he didn't feel ready, but he has to do it.
After a while, he could calm down a bit then he looked at Liara, who spent the whole night watching over him. "Thanks for your company Liara now I have to get ready."
"Do you want some breakfast?"
"No, I can't eat."
She left him alone; John went to the closet pulling the uniform. He only wore that outfit for significant occasions in the Alliance, now he would have to use it to give the worst news to Kaidan's parents. Kaidan spoke a lot about his mother. Kaidan adored her, and by his words, his mother loved him very much. After dressing he sat on the bed looking at his hat.
He knew that he had to be strong; he couldn't break down like that. His military training had taught him to be objective, to understand that hundreds of soldiers die every day, so he was prepared for that, but not for falling in love with a soldier, and practically watch him die.
His military career has been defined by his willingness to get the job done at any cost. He has sent men and women to their deaths to accomplish goals and have mercilessly executed captured enemy soldiers in order to make a point. He gets things done and is feared and respected for it.
Everything was consistent and accurate in his life, without thinking twice before making a decision, and then he met Kaidan. He remembers the way John use to making him blush, that thought made him smile.
Many times John stood behind him in silent looking at his ass while arousing just looking at him then Kaidan turned around encountered the lustful gaze of his commander. Neither of them dared to say anything for a few moments, they just stared at each other feeling the excitement between them then John bit his lips as his Lieutenant blush.
"Commander."
"Nice view lieutenant," John said with his voice husky with desire.
"Shepard ..."
"Later Lieutenant," John says before leaving quickly before he lost control kiss him in front of everyone.
"Shepard, Anderson is here."
John cleared his throat putting on his hat, "Liara thanks, thanks for everything."
"I will see you soon, I'll be waiting for you to tell me when will be the," Liara's eyes clouded with tears, "when Kaidan's funeral service will be held."
"I... I will. "John said sadly.
All the way to the house of Kaidan's parens John hardly said anything. Anderson respects his silence, but when he stopped in front of the house he felt his hands began to shake a little. He also felt tightness in his chest
"Shepard, are you okay?"
"Just give me a minute," John retreated back to the shutter breathing hard, he felt sick, nauseous and dizzy. His hands were sweating," Damnit John calm down!" John told that to himself, and then approached Anderson.
Kaidan's mother got in the door; they didn't have to say anything Mrs. Alenko only look at them before breaking into tears. John's heart was broken into a thousand pieces when between sobs she didn't stop screaming Kaidan's name, even worse when Mr. Alenko reached the door, between him and Anderson had to carry the lady inside almost fainted.
Kaidan's father remained strong, but John knew from experience that it was only a matter of time because he knew that he still in a state of shock.
"What happened to my baby?" Dona Sonia asks them looking at John.
John lips began to tremble uncontrollably, and tears started to fall from his eyes, but he couldn't speak, so Anderson tell them all that happened as John only looked at the floor. He wanted to scream, hit something, he wanted to take all the pain that they were feeling, and take it in.
After a while she could calm down, John was still sitting on the couch staring at the floor unable to speak feeling sick, but to his surprise Kaidan 's mother draw strength to worry about him. She grabbed his shaking hands. "Son you're okay?"
"Can I use your bathroom?" It was the only thing he could say shakily.
She indicated where the bathroom was. He entered the bathroom feeling he was going to fall, so he holding on to the sink helplessly he open the toilet then began to throw up. Feeling that his whole body began to shake, he had to sit on the floor starting to sob.
"Son." Dona Sonia looked at him tenderly. With watery eyes, "you are John right?"
"Yes ... how do you know?"
"My son told me about you in a message, he told me everything, my son told me he was in love with you."
"I... I'm so sorry he died in my place I 'm the one who should be dead, not him ... forgive me. I would have given my life for Kaidan, but he loved me so much that he would not leave me alone when I ordered him to abandon the ship." John said shakily, his voice full of bitterness, sadness and great pain.
"That sounds like my son," she extended her hand to him.
John grabbed his hand, but his legs failed him, he had to hold on of her, "I'm sorry."
"When was the last time you ate something?"
"Two days ago."
She took him to a room that he knew immediately who owns this room, he could feel Kaidan all around the room. "This is-"
"My baby room Kaidan never stops being my baby. Why don't you lie down for a while, I will prepare something to eat. "
"Do not bother with me you -"
"Tell me something. Do you love my son? "
John looks at her sadly, "deeply."
"So it's my duty to take care of you because Kaidan would have wanted."
"Thank you."
She left him alone, and after a moment Anderson entered the room. John at the request of Kaidan's mother decided to stay. The truth was that he couldn't longer maintain the hardness, he felt weak. His body was numb the only think he wanted was to be alone, and cries until tiredness.
John looked toward the dresser, where there was a picture of Kaidan he fixed his eyes on the portrait closing his mind to all around him, trying to remember those happy moments that he lived with him.
"Where the hell is that man?"
John was looking at Kaidan's for over half an hour until he found him in the Mako. "Lieutenant what do you doing here?"
Kaidan roll his eyes, "what do you think I'm doing here Commander?"
"You roll your eyes at my Lieutenant?" John asked not obtaining a reply. They held a discussion early about what happened with the rachni queen, Kaidan had not agreed with the decision he takes killing the queen. "You're avoiding me?"
"Yes, now I 'm off duty can you leave me alone Commander."
John sighed and entered the Mako with him. The truth is that he didn't care what others thought of him, but for some reason John cared what Kaidan thought about him. "Are you questioning my actions Lieutenant?"
"Yes I'm, what you did was not right, she was not a danger to anyone, she was the only one left of her kind, you should have spared the queen." Kaidan's words were firm and precise.
John looked at him seriously, "you are very daring Kaidan, and I don't allow anyone to question me-"
"Well, punish me if you want, but I told you what I thought."
"Take back."
"No!"
John didn't understand it himself if it were another person who was talking like that he already had insulted or shouted at him, but for some reason he could not be angry with his lieutenant, the only thing he could do was pretend he was angry. "Lieutenant I did what I had to do -"
"No, Shepard, you only act without thinking, and you should think before doing things."
"Excuse me what that you yet say to me?" John asked surprised, no one had spoken to him like that before, and worst of all was that instead of wanted to killing him, what he felt was an immense desire to kiss him.
"Hey, then, apart from being crazy you are deaf too. Commander you didn't hear me, think before making decisions."
"Oh hell no, Lieutenant takes that back."
"No!"
"I... Shit why I can't be hard on you? If you were another person, I would have sent you to hell."
"Maybe, because you like me Commander!"
John jaw drop, "you ... I don't like you," he lie.
"Really Commander, then why I find you entranced watching my ass with an erection, certainly very remarkable." He said blushing.
John couldn't avoid laughing, "okay I admit, you have a nice ass, maybe, I am horny, you know, we have a lot of time on the ship ... without any kind of privacy ..." John said tried to see how far his lieutenant was willing to go with him.
"Then Commander, I suggest you put your eyes elsewhere, because this ass is not available."
John thought quickly what to tell him, "I do not believe you; I've seen how you look at me, if you are so bold to question my actions, be brave and admit that you like me." John saw him hesitate for a second. "So?"
"Okay I admit, I like you, but you are my commander and -"
John interrupted him, grabbing him by the back of his head, drawing Kaidan's lips to his kissing him intensely, a kiss that lasted a while, a kiss that John was wishing for a long time. He listens to Kaidan moaning in his mouth then John leaning him in the seat.
"Commander we need-"
"Stop ... I don't want to do it," John said biting her lips."
"So you admit that you like me Commander..."
"Yes, fuck yes, you drive me crazy Alenko." John said, breaking the kiss to look at him.
"Shepard, you are my commander, and if you're looking for an adventure I'm not the right man."
John smiled, "I don't know what I feel for you, the only thing I know is that I can't be around you without felt butterflies in my stomach, and that in a man is very wrong, and I know you're not a man adventure, and maybe it's what I like about you."
"Shepard, do you think we can be discreet?"
"Yes."
"Then kiss me again, Commander."
"John, my name is John."
"Kiss me again, John."
As John walked toward the microphone, he looked towards Kaidan's parents they looked shattered. That night he slept at their home with them, Kaidan's mother was wonderful with him, making it understand where Kaidan had brought out the good person that he used to be.
All night he thought was he going to say in Kaidan's funeral, he didn't want to talk, but it was his duty to do it. The only thing disliked him, was having to lie pretending that Kaidan was only a co-worker, when Kaidan was much more than that, but he couldn't admit in public that Kaidan maintained illicit relationship with his Commander, no John wasn't going to tarnish his memory in this way, in spite that what he wanted was to shout from the rooftops that they loved each other intensely he had to lie.
He stood in front of the microphone, and then looked for a moment at Kaidan's photo that was in front of him. He wanted to see those brown eyes, which he missed wildly. He took a deep breath he didn't have a paper or a note, John knew exactly what he was going to say.
John cleared his throat, but no words came out until he looked toward Kaidan's mother who gave him a small smile in spite of her tears encouragingly.
"What ... what I can say about Lt. Alenko? A lot, Kaidan ... Kaidan was an excellent soldier one of the best. He was bold with me, in that was something that I liked more about Kaidan, that he used to tell me to my face when he felt that I had acted in a bad way oh that I did something wrong. Yes, he used to challenge me," John paused, "he became a friend to me, he used to hear my frustration quietly, and a lot times risked his life in the line of fire for me, if" John hands began to tremble, but he took a deep breath trying to control himself, "if I am alive is because of him." John looked at Kaidan's parents, "Mrs. And Mr. Alenko you can be proud of you son. Everyone calls me hero, but the real hero is you son. I'll never forget Kaidan, and I think anyone here can do either... he was a valuable human being."
After those words, John could not continue and walked away from the microphone. He went to sit next to Liara, which grabs his hand tightly to calm the trembling in them...
After the service ended Kaidan's mother approached John, "Shepard."
"Mrs. Alenko," John voice sounded sad and distant.
She touched his cheek stroking it gently, "son in a few days we will have a family reunion in honor to my son, I would like you to come, and if you could spend a few days with us, tell us a little about Kaidan."
"Yes, of course yes, just let me know when I will be on leave for a while." He didn't want to be on leave, but Anderson ordered him to take a few days, weeks, or as long he needs to recover
"Okay, take care of yourself, and please go on with your life," she wipes John's tears and gave him a tender kiss on his forehead.
"I don't promise anything, but I will try."
After saying goodbye to her, John looked towards Kaidan's coffin approaching it. He knew that he was not there. "I miss you," John said, looking at the sky.
"Shepard."
"Liara," John said while wiping his tears.
"We're all going to Joker's apartment to speak, and drink up in Kaidan's name you want to go."
"No, I -"
"Please Shepard, only for a while."
John looked to where joker was talking to Garrus, watching him with resentment, "I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to do is be next to Joker right now."
After that John left to his apartment, which was a disaster. He was heading to his room when he heard a knock at his door, "Damnit," he wanted to be alone. At the door he met with Joker. "What are you doing here?"
"We need to talk."
"You're the last person I want to see in a while Joker."
Joker ignored him entering the apartment, "Shepard listen to me."
John dashed the door. "Do you want me to hear what joker? Listen how for your stubbornness I lost the most important person in my life."
"Shepard forgive-"
"No, you think an apology will bring Kaidan back." John approached him, "Kaidan is dead because, for you, it was more important a damn ship that your own life if you had obeyed me Kaidan now were here with me."
"Shepard- "
"I fucking hate you Joker you destroyed my life. I'm so broken beyond repair."
"We all lost something that day Shepard," Joker said sadly.
"You lost shit Joker," John shouted at him with tears in his eyes, "you lost a fucking ship, something the can be replaced. I lost the most valuable thing that I had, and I can never get it back, so don't tell me you lost something."
"I lose you, I love you like a brother."
"Well, then you're right you did lost something because I don't want to see you again in my fucking life."
"You know Shepard, I'm sure that if Kaidan who was standing there he would have been more understand"
"Shut the fuck up, Kaidan is not here because of you. You know I hope that every time you close your eyes you see Kaidan dying alone in space, suffocated or burned, as I see it all night when I close my eyes now get out and don't ever cross my path, if you want to stay alive." John didn't turn to look at him he just went to his bedroom and lay down on his bed, with Kaidan's photo beside him crying himself to sleep.
The illusive man looked at Miranda, "how is Shepard?"
"Destroy it seems that Lieutenant Alenko and he sustained a relationship before his death."
"Perfect, we have the Lieutenant's body?"
"Yes, but I don't know if I can bring him back in full, his brain is beyond repair."
"Yes bring him back; we need him only to have Shepard on our side."
"Okay, I'll get to work on that."
"Oh, another things, how is coming out the Lieutenant's clone?"
"Very well,"
"You know we will use the clone if necessary you can go now Miranda."
