Tomorrow is the first day of grade eleven, and honestly, I really couldn't care less. Manny has been going on and on about how awesome this year is going to be, and constantly making plans about what we are going to be doing. I want to be excited, but I just can't seem to find it in me to do so. After the fall out from the shooting, I am not looking forward to being surrounded by all of the people who I know are still judging me from what I did at the end of the year last year. Between my grades dropping, and messing around with Jay, most people seemed to think that I have completely lost my mind. Cause girl has turned into a loser burn out with no future and nothing to be proud of. Honestly, what I am doing now is so much worse, but it does have the advantage of not being known to anyone in my life. I know that I shouldn't care what any of those hypocrites think, but I am barely passing off as better now, and as fragile as I feel, I don't want to risk losing control in front of anyone, and be forced to acknowledge that I am still far from ok.

After the last few emails that I sent to Sean were returned saying that it was no longer a working address, I really started down a path that I don't know how to get off of. If there is one thing I used to pride myself in, it was my composer and my not being someone who drank or took any kind of harmful substance that could hurt my body. But with my only outlet for talking about my issues closed off for good, I started turning to other things that gave me comfort and strength to be " Ok" for all of the people in my life. I never really thought that I would like alcohol as much as I did. I mean, just the smell of it could turn my stomach at one point, but now even just a whiff of it and my whole body relaxes. Since the ravine is to visible of a place for me to go to drink and blow off steam, I have started hanging out on the other side of town, with some of the Lake Hurst burn outs. They don't know who I am, nor do they care that I am there every night, sometimes until the sun comes up. It is kind of nice. With them, I don't have to pretend to be this person who is fine and normal, I can just be me, horrible, broken, dead me.

There is this one guy that is always there when I am, named Damien. He and I have come to an understanding of sorts. In exchange for him not asking me questions, and occasionally supplying me with some emergency provisions on days after my really bad nights, I give him a little servicing from time to time in the back of his dads van that he always seems to be driving. I know that after the whole ordeal with Jay last year that I should have learnt my lesson about this type of stuff, and honestly I don't get any enjoyment out of it. But it also makes me be able to go numb, and not have to feel anything. And it's not like we are going all the way or anything, or that we aren't being safe, so really, I don't see the big deal. A small part of me thinks that I shouldn't be doing it, because of Sean. Sometimes I like to fantasize what it would be like if he were to find out. Would he be jealous? Would it hurt him as much as he has hurt me? Probably not. There is no reason that he should care at all, and that is what hurts the most.

Well, I should probably be getting to bed soon, its already 3 am and I need to at least attempt to sleep if I have to spend the whole day tomorrow pretending to be normal and ok. Honestly, I don't even know why I still write in this thing everyday, and speak to it as though someone is listening. But it is something the counselor had me do last year, and the habit kind of stuck. And besides, I guess it is good to keep record of just how far I am falling down the rabbit hole, before I reach the point of no return.