Snippet here from a scene from the show. I'll frequently have lines or conversations taken from the show that I adjust to fit the needs of the chapter. I like tying the story into the show by bringing some parts of the show in. Also, for Cosima's hair picture Tat's current hair.


8 MONTHS AGO

Cosima ran her hands through her hair. It was growing back fast, of which Cosima was grateful, but it had been years since she was actually able to run her fingers through her hair. It was kind of difficult with dreads. And then her hair fell out and she had nothing. Any number of the treatments she had in the hospital could have caused hairloss; the biggest contenders being chemotherapy and the cyclophosphamide treatment. Thankfully it was growing back quickly and now fell maybe two or so inches above her shoulder in lose, dark waves. Chances were she would never be able to have her signature long dreads piled high up on her head again, but it was growing. Her hair had always grown abnormally fast. With a sigh she turned to the lanky man beside her. "I'm not doing Sapphire."

"Why not?" Felix protested in a whine as he held his phone out to take a picture.

"I'm not!" Cosima brought her hands up to block the camera on the phone, but wasn't quite quick enough. Her body was still healing, after all. "No!" She checked the picture. "No. No." No way in hell would she let that picture be posted anywhere. It was a decent picture, she reasoned, but it didn't look like her. Though she may never think she looked like herself again.

"It's pretty."

She glared at her brother. "I'm not gonna let an app decide who I love." How could she get involved with someone when she had an expiration date? It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"Oh God" Felix let his head fall back. "Not love darling. Not love. I'm talking about a scratching post. Something to rub yourself up against."

Cosima couldn't help but laugh at that. It had been too long since she had had anyone close to her in that way and she did miss it. She missed sex. She missed the look on a lover's face as she brought her to orgasm. She missed waking up and seeing someone lying there beside her. She missed falling asleep wrapped in someone else's arms.

But Cosima knew herself. She had never been the kind of person to just have sex for the sake of having sex. Well, you know, aside from her undergrad days when she had garnered quite the reputation, but she had been young. You're supposed to do stupid shit when you're young. Cosima was the all or nothing type. For her sex was always better was when it was with someone she really cared about. Sure, she could have sex without those feelings and God knows she had, but it was never as good. It was that connection that really drew her in. "I can't Felix. I'm not good at having sex just for the sake of an...an orgasm. I need to feel that connection with someone, you know?"

"Sure I do darling. I feel a connection with someone different each night."

"Felix-"

"Look Cosima..." Felix took a breath not knowing how to phrase this. "I know you don't want a relationship because of..." He trailed off sadly, a heavy pause between them. "But you're still human. You have needs." With a sly smile he nudged Cosima until she chuckled. "I'm not talking about love, but a little bit of lust goes a long way. Do you really want the she-bitch to be the last woman who touched you?"

"Hey" Cosima warned. She could call Shay the she-bitch all she wanted. It was her heart she broke, her life she completely shattered, but she had a life with this woman once. A good life – a happy life. At one point Shay had been all she needed and wanted. So she could call her the she-bitch all she wanted, but she was the only one with that right.

"Well do you?" Felix pushed, not backing down.

"No." Cosima sighed. "But what if I really like her Felix? I'm supposed to, what? Share one night together and never see her again?"

"Mmm no." Felix shook his head with a sip of his drink. "You stay away from the ones you really like. That will only lead to trouble and heartache. Go with someone you feel an instant attraction to, but nothing more. Get in, get off, get out."

Cosima shook her head incredulously. "I'm not an emotionless robot."

Felix put his hand over Cosima's and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know darling, but what choice do you have? You don't have to feel a great connection or be in love to experience the high the touch of another can bring."

Cosima smiled and offered her quasi-brother a quick nod. He was right. It was her own choice not to want a relationship. She knew that if she did she would end up doing treatments again because her girlfriend would beg her to, so she would and she would be miserable every second and sick and wasting the life she had left. Then chances were that if her girlfriend didn't leave during the treatments, Cosima would end up hating her and pushing her away for forcing her into this when she didn't want it even if it prolonged her life. Even if it did prolongue her life it was only for a short while and then she would need treatment again. Or if she died she would have spent the last of her days being a lab rat again and that was not how she wanted to go.

No, that wasn't fair for anyone.

Maybe Felix was right. Just find herself someone to rub up against. The entire reason she left the hospital was to live. She didn't want anyone to get hurt, but she could indulge in one night of passion and leave before anyone got attached. It was plausible. Theoretically, Cosima figured. She had strong reservations that she could do it, but she wasn't a nun. As Felix said, she had needs. Cosima had always been an extremely affectionate person who craved human contact. Hugs from her family only went so far. What she needed iwas someone to touch her intimately – a gentle kiss, a thumb brushing across her cheek, hands pushing her thighs apart as steady fingers slowly trail down her body, a naked body pressed tightly against her own with nothing but the sounds of labored breathing filling the room...

Scientifically speaking, physical touch had been shown to decrease disease and increase the immunological response. Cosima of all people could use a whole lot of that right about now. It's also been shown to help mentally by warding off depression and soothing anxiety. So really, she would be doing this for her health. "What if I get attached?" She asked quietly.

"Well then you deal with that when it happens. Would it really be the worst thing?" Felix asked with a sigh. "Some things are bigger than us, Cos. No feelings is your rule not the universe's. Some things you can't fight."

"The universe? Are you suggesting a spiritual component?"

"God no." Felix chuckled. "I'm meerely saying that there are just some people we are supposed to meet in life. And if you like someone, I mean like feel this instnant connection you can't fight, why try to?"

"Because I'm dying Felix. That's why." Cosima didn't want to admit it, but with everything that had gone on in her life recently, it had shaken her confidence to the very core. Before all of this she knew who she was and what she wanted, where she was going and everything, but now she was confused. And scared. Scared of putting herself out there again, scared of dying, scared she had lost herself for good, scared there was no point in anything she said or did anymore as the end game would be the same no matter what. It was quite the mind job.

"Doesn't mean you have to die miserable or alone darling." He downed the rest of his drink. "Just give this a chance, yeah? You never know what you might find."

Cosima pursed her lips and sighed. "Fine." Maybe what she needed was a distraction. Maybe in losing herself in another she would find herself again.

"Great! Now finish that drink. Since you don't want to do Sapphire, we are going to go back to my flat and gussy you up a bit and then we will come back here and keep drinking until we find you a scratching post."

A few hours later and they did manage to find her a scratching post. A few drinks, a couple songs, some heavy flirting and she had gotten really into it. It was just sex after all. As a scientist she knew it was just a release of certain chemicals in the brain. Her name was Lara. She was about Cosima's height with these dark chocolate eyes and auburn hair. Sex on heels by anyone's standards and when the morning came Cosima quietly slipped out of the apartment. She hadn't given Lara so much as her last name so unless they bumped into each other again somewhere, which was always possible, their connection had run its course.

People had one night stands all the time. Not Cosima normally, not since she met Shay at least, but other people. She would re-learn. The alternative was to be celibate and that was just depressing.

Of course Felix was up when she tried to sneak back into his loft in the early hours of the morning. "Well hello darling." He teased. "Was it horrible?"

Cosima laughed. "You were right Felix."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"You were right." Cosima smirked.

"Well congratulations. You have just graduated the Dawkins Finishing School for dying, horny lesbians."

Cosima laughed. Felix was the only one out of this make-shift family of hooligans she had who was making her feel normal. Yes, he joked about her dying, but it was better than how no one else mentioned it.

"Same time next week, yeah?"

"Obvs."