"I put on a record,
It was called 'Sad Songs for Sullen Lovers'
I listened to it once,
It took me all day to recover"
-Franz Nicolay, "Did Your Broken Heart Make You Who You Are?"
2002
She wished she had said something sooner.
There had been opportunities to speak her mind that Karen just didn't take. She heard Grace tell the story of how Leo tricked her into meeting his parents when she wasn't ready, and she bit her tongue because the redhead looked so damn happy when she told Karen that the whole thing ended in the first "I love you." She saw how Grace started to spiral after that impromptu wedding in Central Park as she realized she knew nothing about the man she just married, and Karen stopped herself from running after her because she knew she would probably just make everything worse. She watched Grace plan her real wedding every chance she got, and Karen tried to swallow the thought that the way the first attempt ended should have been taken as a sign. She knew she was being a terrible friend; it would have been so easy to simply say something, if it saved the redhead a lifetime of heartache.
Every time she had thought about saying something, though, she could hear Grace's response in her head, defensive, shrugging off the concern. You're just thinking about your own situation. Leo and I are fine. And maybe she was thinking about her own situation and projecting. But if it meant that Grace didn't have to go through the things she was going through now, was that really such a bad thing?
Then again, it wasn't like her mind could focus on much else besides her own misfortune lately.
Stanley couldn't throw his money at his problems while he was in prison. So he threw himself into an affair with a cafeteria worker instead. Karen wasn't going to pretend like she hadn't thought about stepping outside of their marriage after Stan told her it was okay to, but she just knew that he was using that proposition to defend himself, to make himself feel a little less guilty. But she wanted to know what stopped him from feeling guilty as she started packing up her things. She wanted to know what made him okay with freezing all her assets and making her live in her limo, what made him finally grow a conscience and give her something to survive on. She wanted to know if he had second thoughts. She wanted to know if that woman was truly worth throwing away all of those years they spent together.
Grace and Leo were getting closer and closer as Karen and Stan were running further and further away from each other. The dark haired woman was catching her breath while the redhead picked up her pace. Then the next thing Karen knew, she was sitting next to Jack in a synagogue, listening to Grace say "I do" in front of her nearest and dearest, watching her kiss her new husband as everyone around them cheered them on.
And there was nothing she could do about it.
Once the reception was in full swing, Karen found an empty space at the bar and promptly set up shop. She fought it off with a half-hearted smile every time Jack tugged on her arm to get her out on the dance floor, studied the look of disappointment that flashed across his face for a millisecond before finding someone with a little more energy to pay attention to. She saw Will across the room, invested in a conversation with Joe and Larry that must have been hilarious, although she couldn't imagine what any of them could have said that would warrant that deep of a laugh. And then there was Grace, her fingers woven together with Leo's as they talked to someone Karen could see Grace didn't know; the redhead always had a tell when she was trying to put a name to a face. Everyone looked happy. Everyone seemed to be having fun.
Good lord, she needed a drink.
Karen sighed as the bartender slid a martini towards her. She brought the glass to her lips and wondered if her ambivalence was because of her separation from Stan or because of the fact that she'd now have to put up with Leo for the long haul. Maybe a little bit of both. For a fleeting moment, she considered sneaking out of the party and retreating to her suite at the Palace where she could drink in peace. But she knew she could never do that to Grace. It was the redhead's day; that's all that mattered. She swirled the olives around her glass, getting lost enough in the circular motion that it distracted her. If she could just stay where she was, maybe she could make it through the night.
"I should have known I'd find you here."
Karen snapped back into reality to find a smiling Grace pulling herself onto the empty seat next to her as she asked for another glass of champagne. She couldn't help but crack a smile as Grace tried in vain to rein in the skirt of her dress so it wouldn't take up so much space. "Honey, what are you doing? This is your party, you should be out there with your husband." God, that word sounded so strange when it was attached to the redhead.
"It's my party, and I want to sit here with you." Grace covered Karen's hand with her own for a moment, smiling when Karen started linking their fingers together. "Besides, I just spent ten minutes pretending to care about what's-her-name's kid's last soccer game. I deserve a drink." She grabbed the glass the second it hit the bar and downed half of it in one gulp.
Karen turned to look out into the crowd, furrowing her brow as she scanned the faces. "Which what's-her-name?" she asked.
Grace's eyes swept across the room a couple times, trying to pinpoint the woman she had just been talking to. "Oh my god," she breathed helplessly. "I don't even know." The dark haired woman laughed into her martini and could see Grace's body start to relax. "Was it like this for you?" the redhead asked before Karen saw her wince. She knew Grace didn't mean any harm by it. But it was still hard to think about happier times with Stan. Hell, it was hard to believe that at one point, there were good times with Stan. She put on a smile and tried to shake it off.
"Which time?" Karen joked, even though she knew Grace could see right through her. She shrugged and sighed. "I didn't really have anyone I cared enough about to invite, so Stan took care of the guest list. Which meant that I knew about five people there. And that's a generous estimate. It was a night of smiling and nodding and trying to find the fastest way to the bar."
"So I'm in good company, then." Grace's eyes were trained on the dark haired woman for a moment. Karen liked to tell everyone that she didn't do emotions. But that didn't mean that over the years, she didn't see how the redhead had caught on to some of her tells that proved otherwise. Karen always appreciated the fact that Grace never really called attention to it. But tonight was different. They had never experienced a night like tonight before. And all the rules they silently built up over the years seemed to have been thrown out the window. "Listen, I really appreciate you being here tonight," the redhead said.
"Well, why wouldn't I be here, honey? You're my best girl."
Grace smirked. "I thought Jack was your best girl."
Karen put her finger to her lips. "Shhh. Don't tell him." She gave Grace's hand a tiny squeeze, as if they had a reason to be this conspiratorial. She met Grace's gaze and could tell that she was keeping something inside-out of politeness, out of embarrassment, out of whatever-and could almost sense the words bubbling to her friend's surface. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear them, but she certainly didn't want Grace burdened by them. Not on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life.
Grace kept her eyes trained on her champagne flute as she took a breath. "It's just...I know this is probably hard for you right now, with everything you're going through, and I don't blame you if you want to leave or something. I'm not going to hold it against you, I'm sure there are a million other things you could be doing right now, and-"
"Gracie, no. Don't do that." It was the last thing Karen wanted, to see the redhead on her wedding day being so concerned about things that didn't matter. She liked to think she had a handle on her own problems that was tight enough not to let them show. And now, she wasn't sure which was worse; the guilt Grace felt over these problems, or her own anger over her inability to keep these things to herself. "Honey, you just got married. For real this time." She saw Grace crack a smile and started to feel a little better. "That's a huge deal. You don't have to feel bad for enjoying yourself tonight. And you don't have to keep sitting here with me like I'm a charity case. I'll be fine."
"You're not a charity case," Grace said, her gaze so focused on Karen it took the dark haired woman by surprise. "You're my best girl."
Karen marveled at how good her own words sounded with Grace's voice wrapped around them. "I thought Wilma was your best girl," she teased.
Grace leaned in close, her champagne breath dancing along Karen's skin. "Shhh. Don't tell him." She pressed her lips to Karen's cheek before she settled her head on the dark haired woman's shoulder. Karen relaxed underneath the weight of her, calm, safe. She drained the last of her martini as she watched Grace sip the rest of her champagne and signaled the bartender for another round. They sat there, huddled together in a comfortable silence while the party moved on without them, and suddenly Karen started wondering how many chances they'd have to be together like this, now that Grace had gotten married. Of course, they would see each other at work. There was always that. But Karen wasn't stupid; she knew that newlywed bliss trumped a drink with the assistant. And even when it didn't, who knew if she would ever be able to get the redhead alone again. Leo was part of the package now. She had to act like she was fine with it for Grace's sake, and she hoped she did a better job of that than she did of acting like her problems didn't bother her. She had had enough change these last few months to learn to get used to it. But the thought of anything about her relationship with Grace changing in the slightest...that was something she didn't think she could live with.
Her heart felt so heavy at the thought of it, so...jealous? Was that it? Not of Grace. It wasn't as though she was longing to go back to those days with Stan; if anything, she wanted to get further away from them. But of Leo? Sure, he'd have Grace's attention, but it was never like she had been bothered by that with any of the other serious romances in the redhead's life. Still, when she thought about it, when she thought about him, that feeling in her heart intensified. Why would she be jealous of him?
Karen heard a voice before she could put any more thought to it.
"Do you think I did the right thing?"
Grace had said it so quietly that Karen swore she was hearing things at first. But she felt the redhead lift her head off of her shoulder, saw that those eyes were filled with the question, and knew that Grace needed an answer. She bit back the knee jerk response-Shouldn't you ask that before the ceremony?-because she just didn't have the heart to play that game tonight. But she felt all of her unspoken objections to Leo start to rise to her lips, and she tried so hard to swallow them down. In any other circumstance, it would have been the perfect opportunity. Grace asked a direct question; it was only fair that she get a direct answer. And Karen could tell her about all of her misgivings, how she doesn't think Leo realizes the gift that lives inside of Grace, how he always seems two seconds away from taking it, taking her, for granted. She could tell her that two months isn't a lot of time to get to know someone, and what's going to happen when she wakes up one day and realizes she made a mistake? She could tell her that Will's instinct about him was right, no matter what Will's reasons were. She could tell her that she just didn't feel right about this guy, and she never has.
But that's not what you say to someone who just said "I do."
"I think," she started, picking her words as carefully as she could, "if it makes you happy, then it's the right thing."
Grace thought about it for a moment before she nodded and rested her head back on Karen's shoulder. "Then I guess it's right," she said. The dark haired woman could have sworn that the redhead sounded weary when she said it. But maybe it was just the exhaustion brought on by the day. She knew she wouldn't be able to get past it unless she told herself that was the reason.
Karen slid her arm around Grace's waist and felt her burrow further into her side. She listened as the redhead started sliding into a rambling conversation, putting a voice to whatever was in her head and waiting for a response. She planted a kiss on the crown of Grace's head before she joined in on the talk, laughed when Grace tried to siphon off of her martini when she decided the bartender wasn't making with her drink fast enough ("Where do you get off?" she said in jest, to which Grace simply replied, "I'm the bride" and drank). She let it sink in that they were at a party to celebrate the redhead, and the redhead chose to lounge with her wallflower of an assistant, their backs turned towards everyone else, without hesitation or regret. She thought about how extraordinary her current drinking buddy was.
And she hoped to god that Grace was right about Leo.
2003
"No, Leo, I'm not asking you to come home. I just want you to understand that I'm upset."
If it were anyone else she was eavesdropping on, Karen would have been reveling in the fact that her supposedly terrible opinions were the only good ones given. But as she stood in the doorway to Grace's Brooklyn bedroom, watching the redhead in conversation with her husband, she couldn't help but feel an immense sense of relief. It was about time Grace started speaking up for herself in this marriage; Karen just hoped that Leo would take it to heart.
Of course, if she hadn't come back to this ill-advised girls night, she never would have known how sound Grace thought her opinions were.
Adjusting to the redhead's marriage was no easy feat over the last few months. She had been so used to the way they had always operated that she chose not to think about the inevitability of change. But then suddenly, Karen was in the dating scene again, and suddenly, Grace became generous with tips and advice about how to navigate it all like the dark haired woman was a teenager who just came home with a boy's number written on her palm. Karen couldn't stand how awkward it felt when the tables turned, but she knew Grace's heart was in the right place and she knew she could handle it. It was this strange, newfound superiority of hers that Karen couldn't stomach.
Funny how four months of smooth sailing made someone believe it was always going to be that way. Grace had basked in that illusion of perfection even though she could have taken one look at any of the women she invited to Brooklyn tonight and seen just how much of a lie perfection is. Karen could tell that Grace was taking in her arguments with Stan, her move out of the manse, her struggle to come to terms with it all, and she could see Grace making the mental note to never end up like that. She didn't blame the redhead; after all, she never planned to end up like this, either. It just stung a little, knowing that Grace thought she found the key to success that Karen was still looking for. But sometimes you had to crash head-on into the inevitable for the lie of perfection to really register as a lie. And sometimes, that crash comes in the form of your husband's nightly "I love you" call turning into a "Doctors Without Borders needs me for five more weeks, so I'm staying" call.
Karen had ample opportunity to see how Leo's absence affected Grace, considering Leo was a million miles away more often than he was home with his wife. She could see how the redhead would get a little sad, a little lonely. She saw the brave face Grace would put on and how forced it sometimes was. She knew Grace was keeping her mouth shut about it, because how could she possibly complain while her husband was off saving lives in Africa? She had also seen her own fair share of wedded hardships, and she knew she could pull from her experiences in order to help the redhead through this. But Karen couldn't make her marriage work. So when Grace asked if she did the right thing in telling him she was okay with it all when she clearly wasn't, Karen's opinion didn't count. When Karen asked why, Grace skirted around the subject. When Grace skirted around the subject, Karen understood perfectly. When Karen understood, she said her piece anyway, told Grace to communicate with her husband for a change instead of dealing with it on her own.
When Karen said her piece, she left.
It wasn't her finest moment; usually, she had a thicker skin. But the fact that it was Grace made it too much to handle. She had always thought that Grace understood her, that Grace could see how, despite all outward evidence to the contrary, she tried. She trusted the redhead more than she trusted most people, her husband included. Which made it hurt more when the redhead did these things. Which made it all the more appealing to retreat to the comfort of her hotel suite when the going got tough. Which made her instinct tell her to run instead of stand there and take it.
But come on, Karen. Think about it for a minute. Think about every time that honeymoon phase ended, when you were left with the unpolished, gritty truth about the person you just pledged to share your life with. How angry you were when the perfection became a lie. You wouldn't have listened to anyone who told you you could never get that delusional happiness back. So why would Grace?
She sighed with the weight of the situation and how she handled it on her chest. She was almost home when she realized that this was all so new to the redhead, that she abandoned her when she needed someone the most.
She was almost home when she turned right back around to Brooklyn, realizing she needed to put her own stupid pride to the side for a moment and be there for her friend.
Grace looked surprised to see Karen standing in her doorway when she hung up the phone, but the surprise soon gave way to what looked like relief. They made up like Karen knew they would and soldiered on with the evening, even though neither of them felt much like a girls night anymore. And when the other women eventually made their exit, Karen stood up from her seat. "God, finally," she sighed before she pointed to the bedroom. "Alright, honey. Get in there."
Grace looked from Karen to the bedroom and back again with a furrowed brow. "Why?"
"You're going to pack a bag, and then you're coming back with me to my suite at the Palace. I don't like the idea of you staying here alone tonight."
There were times when Grace's poker face failed miserably and Karen could tell that she genuinely stunned the redhead. Like every time she let her guard down during this separation from Stan. Like every time she came to Grace's rescue, even when Grace didn't fully realize she needed help. If she knew Grace at all, she knew that the redhead probably wanted nothing more than to race into that bedroom and throw an overnight bag together. She wanted nothing more than to retreat with the dark haired woman and bury her problems in the darkest corner of a luxury suite. But if she knew Grace at all, she knew that she'd be thinking of how much Karen had on her plate right now, how she wouldn't want to be the latest addition, thinking she should be able to handle her own problems. And just as Karen figured, Grace brushed her hair behind her ear and shook her head, trying on a brave face. "Karen, you don't have to do that," she said softly. "I'll be fine."
"Gracie, come on...do you really want to be stuck in Brooklyn right now, when your family is in Manhattan?"
In that moment, Karen could see Grace start to buckle. She knew the redhead didn't feel like she deserved kindness right now; after the way she dismissed the dark haired woman tonight, she probably didn't expect to see her until what would have surely been an awkward Monday morning at work. But it didn't mean that Karen wouldn't show up for her, something she couldn't even really say that about her own husband right now. Still, she could see Grace not wanting to seem desperate, wanting to make it look like she could take care of herself. Wanting to wait until she could say yes to an offer that didn't reek of loneliness and decimated expectations.
"Honey…" Karen started, thinking of the perfect solution. "Room service, on me."
There we go.
It wasn't long before Grace was packed and ready to get out of this place. They were silent on the ride to the Palace, Grace staring out the window in the back seat, Karen watching over Grace. The dark haired woman could swear she felt the swirl of thoughts racing around the redhead's mind, and she wondered if Grace was as dizzy as she was because of it. She saw Grace reach out her hand for Karen's like she was trying to steady herself, her eyes still trained on the city speeding by outside as if she didn't want to give herself away, as if it made her weak to reach out for someone; her hold was tight once she found the dark haired woman's hand, and Karen knew she had her answer. Karen felt the warmth of Grace's touch and started tracing circles on the redhead's skin with her thumb. For a moment, she thought Grace might tell her to stop. But then she saw Grace move in closer, until she came to rest against Karen's body. And Karen wouldn't stop tracing circles.
The dark haired woman could feel the redhead breathing deeply against her, in and out, one soothing wave after another because those waves finally had the space to roll. Grace would never tell anyone that apartment in Brooklyn didn't feel right. But every time Karen walked into that apartment on Riverside Drive, she felt so much of Grace living and breathing inside those walls; when she walked into Grace's new home, the only one she could feel was Leo. The life he had lived before he placed his ring on Grace's finger hadn't made a move to let her in. It broke Karen's heart. And it made her understand why Grace kept taking breaths like the walls were no longer closing in on her.
It's hard living in a home that never feels like yours. Karen knew that better than anybody.
When Karen led Grace into her suite, she pretended not to see the way the redhead's eyes grew wider as she looked around the place, smiling in spite of herself for still being able to wow her. Maybe there would have been a time when Karen thought this was as impressive as Grace did; it probably would have been long before she knew what it took to get here. Karen ordered a few desserts and some wine from room service-she did want to stay true to her word, after all-while Grace went into the bathroom to change into pajamas and gave the dark haired woman the privacy to do the same. She wished she knew how to handle this, when to try to engage the redhead, what to say when she did it, if she should say anything at all. She had told herself to simply wait until Grace was ready to talk, but if she was anything like Karen, she would need a little push.
She just didn't realize that push would come in the form of cheesecake.
"Oh my god, this looks fantastic."
Karen turned from pouring the wine to see her friend charging towards the dessert. She saw the first genuine smile on Grace's face that she had seen all night as Grace dipped her pinky into the strawberry compote of one of the slices for a taste. The redhead's eyes lit up as she grabbed the plate and a glass and made her way to the bedroom. "You know what's great about hotels?" she called out as Karen followed her. "There's no one to give you hell for eating in bed."
Karen climbed into bed beside Grace. "You realize you don't live with Will anymore, right?" she joked.
"Yeah, but it's like his judgment followed me into Brooklyn." She fell silent for a moment, savoring the bite she just took, before glancing over at the dark haired woman. "Why are you doing this?" she asked suddenly. "I was horrible to you tonight."
"That doesn't mean you don't need help, honey." Karen sighed. "Remember when we went to the prison to visit Stan for the first time? I really didn't want to be alone that night, and I really didn't want to admit it. And there you were, making sure your stubborn assistant had someone to lean on." She reaches out to Grace, her hand landing on the redhead's thigh. "Gracie, I get thinking you have to do this by yourself. But you don't. You're my friend, and I love you. So consider this payback."
Karen could see Grace struggle to speak at first. She was the first to admit she wasn't overly generous with the kindness that hid beneath her surface. But she always wanted Grace to know she had it, that she could turn to her in times like this, when everyone was expecting the burden to fall on Will's shoulders. She knew she didn't have the words for why Grace was the only one who could see it. She just knew that it felt right for her to be the only one.
Grace picked at the crust of her cheesecake with her fork until she found her voice. "You're incredible, Karen," she murmured.
Karen furrowed her brow. "Because I care about you?" she asked.
"Because you care about me even when you're mad at me."
The dark haired woman tilted her head and tried to lock her eyes with the redhead's. "I'm not mad at you, honey. You're just veering a little too close to my experiences for my liking."
Grace sighed as she sipped her wine. "I just thought we'd have a little more time to actually be together before stuff like this started happening. I can't even remember the last thing we did together."
They let that hang in the silence as Grace set her plate and glass on the nightstand and lay down. There were a million things Karen could have said in that moment, and she knew that none of them were what Grace wanted to hear. Like how eventually, you think about trying to remember those things less and less. Like how eventually, you stop thinking about it altogether. Like how eventually, you barely notice the absence, and when you finally do, you can't even be surprised by the fact that you're not surprised. But instead of putting a voice to any of that, Karen rested her head on her pillow and tried to find something to fill the space, closing her eyes to see if she could dig a little deeper when she realized she couldn't find anything.
"Do you remember the reception, when you told me that if it makes me happy, it's the right thing?"
Karen's eyes fluttered open as she turned to find Grace looking at her expectantly, and she nodded against her pillow.
"What happens if it doesn't make me happy?"
Karen saw Grace's eyes start to glass over with tears, and her heart started to sink. "Oh, Gracie, come here." The dark haired woman opened her arms as the redhead burrowed into her. She could hear Grace's sniffling muffled against her shoulder. "You're just going through a rough patch. It happens. Welcome to marriage." She felt Grace groan against her skin and gave her a little squeeze. "Honey, look at me." When Grace's wet eyes met hers, she found it hard to speak. The dark haired woman hated Leo more in this moment than she ever had before, because he wasn't even here for his wife as she reached her first breaking point. If this marriage was anything like Karen's attempts, she knew Grace would have others, ones that she should be able to talk through with the man she married. Because Karen didn't know what she could really offer Grace. But it wasn't going to stop her from trying. "You're going to get past this. He'll be home before you know it, and you'll make up for all that lost time, and you'll forget you ever felt this way."
She wasn't entirely sure she believed that. She wasn't entirely sure Grace believed it, either. But as she wiped away Grace's tears, Karen threw a line out there that she hoped the redhead would catch before either of them could delve into it.
"And you know, you don't have to go back there if you don't want to, at least not until he comes back. There's plenty of room here. No one has to know you're not toughing it out in Brooklyn."
The smallest smile started to play across Grace's lips. "You would really do that for me?" she asked softly.
"Of course I would, honey." She watched the redhead burrow herself back into her embrace. "As long as you realize we can't live on cheesecake and wine alone."
"Speak for yourself."
Karen could swear she felt Grace smile against her skin.
The dark haired woman felt the redhead relax further and further into her body, a sleepy "Thank you, Karen" filling the last bit of space between them. Karen moved to turn out the light, trying to shake the defeated look on Grace's face out of her mind. She tried to focus on the things she liked in the hopes of driving the image away. She liked that Grace trusted her so much, even though she hardly ever gave the redhead a good reason. She liked that Grace didn't object to being here. She liked that Grace thought she was incredible, and she liked that Grace was letting her help. She liked that Grace hadn't pulled away from her and she liked that, if anything, Grace curled herself into her arms as far as she could go. She liked to think that Grace felt safe tonight.
She liked feeling the weight of Grace pressed against her as she fell asleep. And she liked the idea of feeling the weight of Grace pressed against her as she woke up in the morning.
She never had a routine with anybody before. All the years that came before this were filled with making sure you moved around in the morning without waking the other person up. They were filled with picking at a solitary breakfast and being lucky if you even saw the one you supposedly gave your heart to before nightfall. They were filled with not wanting to go home until the last possible second, ducking into bars and seeing if you had the energy to stay until last call. They were filled with radio silence. They were not filled with loving routines.
But she had a routine with Grace. And it was crazy how quickly she fell into it.
Every morning, Karen would wake up to the alarm that Grace set, and her eyes would flutter open to find the redhead smiling next to her. Or, more so lately, she would wake up to find that Grace had wrapped herself in Karen's arms like she had finally found her place and kept wanting to retreat to the comfort of it. She could see how Grace watched her as she got ready for the day like she was making sure the dark haired woman wouldn't make them late for work, like there wasn't an option where the redhead would leave for the office alone. Karen liked feeling Grace's eyes on her. And she oddly liked being consistently punctual for a change.
They would spend their work day carrying on the conversations they started before they left the hotel, Grace remembering something she forgot to tell Karen when they woke up, Karen making Grace laugh just because she could. Will would visit and ask how Grace's night in Brooklyn was, and Grace would always answer vaguely before sneaking a sly smile to Karen behind his back. Sometimes, the redhead would make plans with him out of guilt; she was lying to him, after all. But usually, she would make some excuse so that she could walk out of there with Karen. Usually, as the weeks went on, she found herself taking the dark haired woman's hand as they left, leading her out of Grace Adler Designs like she couldn't wait to get back home. It wasn't the worst feeling in the world.
But Karen liked their nights together more than anything else. The way Grace would shout at the TV when someone on it did something she thought was stupid. The way Grace would get animated after a couple glasses of wine. The way Grace would hum as she got ready for bed, and how that hum lived in her lower register, how it never sounded like her normal singing voice. The way Grace made sure she kissed Karen's cheek every night before the lights went out. It almost felt like Grace honestly considered this home. It almost felt like the redhead forgot why she was living with the dark haired woman in the first place. It almost felt like…
Well. Karen didn't want to admit what it almost felt like. Or that she loved the way it almost felt.
It was rare that Karen went anywhere without Grace anymore, but one morning, she woke up with the urge to get a little shopping done and the good sense to let her sleeping redhead rest; god forbid anyone wake Grace up any earlier than she has to be awake on a weekend. She walked around Manhattan, let the bags add up in her hands until they started to climb up her arm. On her way home, she thought about how she should go back out there with Grace, once she was fully awake and ready to take on the world. It could be fun. She smiled to herself about it as she reached the Palace, as she made her way up to her suite. She opened her door and dropped her bags as soon as she could, making her way to the bedroom to see if Grace was up and about yet. But when she reached the doorway, she froze; Grace was not only up and about, she had nearly finished packing all of her things into her suitcases. Karen steadied herself against the doorway, feeling the wind being knocked out of her. She couldn't believe what she was seeing.
She couldn't believe she forgot that eventually, Grace would leave.
"Oh good, you're back!" Grace exclaimed as she zipped up the suitcases. "I was starting to think I'd have to leave without seeing you." She slid the suitcases off of the bed and wheeled them out to the living area. She didn't register the sadly perplexed look on Karen's face.
"Honey, you're leaving already?" Karen asked, still standing by the doorway.
"Leo's flight lands in a couple of hours. I wanted to drop all of this at home first before I head to the airport."
Home. Of course. Brooklyn was home. Karen knew that. She just didn't know why it felt like such a gut punch. She took a breath to recover. "Well, Gracie, at least let me take you back to the apartment."
"Kare, it's okay. I got it," she smiled. "I don't want you to go all the way out there when you don't have to." She moved slowly towards Karen like she did the first time she ever asked for Karen's opinion of Leo, like they hadn't just spent the last few weeks mastering the art of living together. Karen wondered when she got back to being so nervous. "Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciate what you did for me."
The dark haired woman shook her head. "It's not a big deal."
"No, it is. Sometimes I don't know why I can't go to Will for things like this." Karen could think of a couple reasons based on who the redhead married, but that was neither here nor there. "But you made it easy to come to you. You let me invade your space for over a month when you didn't have to. That's a lot." Grace offered a small smile. "At least now you don't have to worry about tripping over me all the time."
"I never worried about it," Karen said, but it came out as a whisper she was certain Grace didn't hear.
"Anyway, I guess I should go." Grace enveloped Karen in a hug and murmured "Thank you for everything" into her ear. She pulled away without kissing Karen's cheek the way she always had these last few weeks. She maneuvered her luggage through the front door of Karen's suite and rushed to the elevator, leaving Karen to stare at the door as it shut behind the redhead.
And just like that, their five weeks were up.
Karen tried to occupy herself as long as she could once Grace left, racking up a decent tab in the hotel bar, going out for that second round of shopping that was supposed to be for Grace as much as it was supposed to be for her. But once she settled back into her suite, she could no longer escape the fact that she was alone again. God, was the suite always this big? Was it always this empty, this quiet? She wondered how she never noticed it before. She wondered why she was so willing to let Grace stay here for so long if it was only going to call attention to the bigness, the emptiness, the quietness when she left. She wondered how she could ever blame this on Grace's presence, when it was clearly her own fault. She wondered what was happening in Brooklyn right now.
She wondered if Grace told Leo where she had been these last few weeks, before realizing that she probably wouldn't. She wondered how much effort it would take Grace to tell him she braved Brooklyn on her own, before realizing how much effort it took to be okay with the redhead's lie. She wondered where they were right now, what they were doing to celebrate Leo's homecoming, before realizing how much it stung to think about that.
She wondered why she couldn't shut her brain down, before she finally put herself to bed in the hopes that she could just turn it off that way.
The next day, Karen picked at a solitary breakfast before going into the office and realizing that Grace had taken the day off to be with Leo without telling her. She called up Jack to keep her company, to keep her distracted. And when the sun set, she ducked into a bar to see if she had the energy to stay until last call. She tried not to think about the radio silence from Grace. She tried not to think about the absence of their routine. She put off going back to the Palace until the last possible second. Because it's hard living in a home that stopped feeling like yours.
Karen knew that better than anybody.
