Once again, I'd like to credit my dear friend Kimera for proofreading the chapter and allowing me to use a few ideas inspired by our plots on Tumblr for the story!
As usual: I do not own BSD, nor the characters ^^
Did you know? Reviews are like gasoline, I need them in order to keep myself motivated c: So I will thank you for taking the time to write a small message!
Enjoy!
Chapter 2:
Do you know the urge to try something you know you shouldn't? The invisible tugging and pulling from that one desire or curiosity as you are unable to control it and hold back? So, instead, you give in to the feeling and allow yourself to try that one thing you should stay away from?
Dazai stared at the sleeping pills, the sound of them clinking against the plastic of the bottle as they fell out and onto his hand. He needed only one, because he knew he wouldn't sleep otherwise. He hadn't slept in over 24 hours already, so he knew if he skipped another night it would've bad consequences on his mind, his very thought process.
However, he grew tired of these pills and if he took one he wouldn't wake up for seven hours. That meant, once he was asleep he would be plagued by nightmares and honestly, they exhausted him even more because they seemed to be another endless battle.
His very life was an endless battle.
When was he going to rest? He didn't want to live like this any longer.
That was when he had the idea to overdose on the pills. This wasn't the first time he would've tried it. He did it before. If he took more than last time… it should work, right? No one needed him in this world. He didn't need himself either. The world was better off without him.
Right… that was right.
He brought the pills to his mouth and swallowed as many as he could. He tasted a bitter aftertaste on his tongue, Dazai holding back a choke while he drank a glass of water right after.
Sitting down on the floor, back leaning against the counter he waited until the pills would take effect, making him feel drowsy and dizzy until he slumbered and finally fell into a deep, dark and silent sleep.
Apparently though, life had different plans for him. He woke up to a seemingly bright light. Groaning, he took his time to open his eyes carefully, taking in the sight. The source of the light had been the sun shining through the window.
It wasn't really a warm welcome in his eyes.
Another sight that was supposed to be welcome but didn't feel that way to Dazai was the two first-year students, Nakajima Atsushi and Akutagawa Ryunosuke sitting by his bed. Akutagawa's expression resembled thunder, whilst Atsushi's resembled the sun outside. That was also pretty much their difference in personality, so how they got to be all close like they were, was a mystery to Dazai.
Atsushi and Akutagawa used to loathe each other, the boys seeming to develop a similar 'rivalry' like Chuuya and Dazai had. However, they were much closer than anyone would've expected.
"Dazai-san? How do you feel?" was the first thing Atsushi asked, a worried frown present under his uneven locks of hair.
"Terrible, of course. Why even ask?" And that was Akutagawa.
"I asked him, not you," Atsushi fired back dryly.
Dazai held up a hand, a small smile present on his lips before Akutagawa could start a discussion with Atsushi. "My liver and stomach are probably doomed anyway, but, yes, I feel terrible for not having accomplished the one lifegoal I actually aspire to turn into reality."
"You know," Atsushi started, "you would've accomplished your goal if it had been trying to live instead of trying to die, but apparently, you like challenges."
Dazai sighed. "Oh, Atsushi-kun. I don't want a challenge. I just want to die without suffering. Is that really so much asked?"
"Yes, so give up on dying," was Akutagawa's answer.
"There he goes again with answering questions that are not meant for him!"
"What? Can't stand it that I had the perfect answer for that question?"
Atsushi wanted to retort when the door opened and closed by Chuuya who decided to make his presence. "Can you two shut up for one second?! Geez, I walk in and of course, you two just have to be arguing again." A scowl visible on his face, no, really, it had to be his permanent expression, he flopped down onto the bed, next to Dazai, carefully avoiding the wires attached to him.
"Such a gentle soul," Dazai mumbled. "But hey, how did I get here?" He looked at all of them, lips pursed as he ignored the throbbing in his head and the pain in his stomach.
"You overdosed," Akutagawa replied as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world, which it was, but that wasn't what Dazai meant.
"No shit, Sherlock. How did I get here?"
Chuuya sighed irritated. "Oda-sensei found you unconscious in your apartment a few days ago when he visited to bring you dinner. He is the one who brought you here."
Odasaku often came by, at least three times a week to bring Dazai dinner. He sucked at cooking himself and he liked Odasaku's cooking, so he didn't mind the other coming by at all, even if he knew the teacher did it to check up on him, making sure he was safe, which he clearly wasn't the night he overdosed.
"Right," Dazai answered, mind empty from clear thoughts. He rubbed his belly while the other three chatted on, explaining things like what the doctor said and that Odasaku left earlier because he had to work. They only just finished classes themselves. It gave Dazai an idea.
"Do you still have any lunch left?" Chuuya always brought two bento's with him after all.
"Huh?" Chuuya replied confused, probably confused about the sudden change of subject. "I do, but, are you sure you want some? You've been throwing up, you know?"
"Yes, and now my stomach hurts from being emptied. I need food." Or maybe he didn't. At this point he had no idea what he wanted. Neither did he care about his wellbeing anyway. "Close the curtain, so the nurse doesn't notice." Did he throw up? He thought he had been asleep all this time. Did he throw up in his sleep? Or when he was half asleep? Funny how one's memory could fail during such moments.
Akutagawa did as was requested, before Atsushi said it might be better if the two left. They still had homework and they got to see Dazai. After they left Dazai opened the bento, wondering when on earth anyone had the time to prepare these bento's. The salmon was neatly cut into slices, different kinds of vegetables filled a quarter of the box as another half of the box was filled with rice.
"Do you really wake up early just to make these?" He questioned as he took a slice of the salmon. "Honestly, I'm impressed. I don't wake up until twenty minutes before school start. That is, if I manage to wake up at all. Whoever invented alarms must have hated the world."
"Just don't eat too much," Chuuya replied, trying to remain stubborn, but failing to do so. He was weak for compliments, really. "I'm not even sure you should be eating this to begin with."
"Who cares, it's healthy."
"That's not a valid explanation, idiot. Your stomach and liver are still recovering, that is, if they can recover from this at all."
Dazai only hummed in return, not really caring one way or another. After a few bites he really did feel full, much to his own surprise.
"Don't pick at it, Dazai," his partner commented before taking back the bento box. He then turned a little so he could face him after he put the bento back in his backpack.
"How was school? The past few days I mean," Dazai asked, resuming to rub his belly as it had a calming effect apparently.
"Boring. And you just had to leave again, didn't you? You were released from the hospital not even two weeks ago! What the hell are you doing here again, you blithering idiot!" Chuuya started scolding him. "You fucking know this year is your last chance at getting a diploma, so why on earth are you messing up again?"
Well, he was right. Why was he messing up?
"I don't care about school. Sitting in a small room with nothing but chairs and tables and an adult in front telling us how we're supposed to think. It's for one all too easy for me and two... I don't know? This world is just too small I think." He was being honest, as honest as he could possibly be with his usual clown mask when they were in public. After all, they were alone now and that meant he could show a truer part of himself.
Chuuya sighed, his apparent anger subduing. "I get that. I mean, if it's so easy, why not rid yourself of it? You can do whatever you want when you graduate. It's all you must do, but for that you need enough school hours so you can be allowed to take the exams in the first place. I mean, you're even in the student council, Dazai."
"Thanks for the reminder," Dazai mumbled.
Chuuya leaned back against the pillow. "There are some guys after Atsushi."
That got Dazai's attention. "Again?"
"Did it ever stop?"
They stayed quiet for a few moments before Dazai rested his head on the other's smaller shoulder. "We're going to have to teach them a lesson then."
Chuuya hummed. "Just let me know when you need me for it." It was normal by now for them to set an example when it came to those bullying Atsushi. Chuuya's bad reputation thanks to his violence helped with it and everyone in the school knew not to mess with Dazai, so he applauded these guys for even trying to mess with their junior.
"Oh, and I received my second strike."
"Your what?"
"It's the second time they caught me wearing the hat."
"Why don't you leave it home then?"
"Dazai!" Chuuya called out offended.
"Alright, fine, damn the school."
"Right."
"Hm."
"Do you really feel the need to appear taller though?" He couldn't help himself, could he? Teasing Chuuya was his favorite pass-time after all.
That was when the fiery redhead turned away from him, Dazai losing his spot on the comfortable shoulder. "I would've hit you if it weren't for these wires." Which was an excuse, Chuuya never did anything that resembled any form of violence during and right after the time Dazai was hospitalized. In fact, he was rather careful and fretful during these moments. And it wasn't only Chuuya. Most others acted more careful around him as well as if they could trigger another suicide attempt all too easily.
It was as if Dazai was a walking bomb and just maybe it was true. Who was to say when his next attempt would be, after all? No one wanted to take the blame for it, which he did understand.
Dazai nuzzled his face in the other's back since Chuuya decided to turn away from him angrily.
"Chuuya's bento was really good. I wish I could eat all of it," he started with his compliments, knowing the other to be weak for them. "And Chuuya smells nice today. Is that a new perfume?" Sometimes, he just had to treat him like he would a lady. Women were weak for men noticing their different attire and such, right?
Chuuya tsk'ed, literally, but his voice became softer. "It's almost as if you want something from me."
Dazai let out a small chuckle before moving up to rest his head on the other's shoulder once again, taking in the smell of his hair. "What makes you think that? Doesn't Chuuya like this kind of attention?"
He did and he knew it.
Chuuya turned back, cupping Dazai's cheek before leaning in. "Oh, stay quiet for a second already." He closed the distance, their lips touching. Chuuya pulled back after a moment or two, touching their foreheads instead.
Humming, Dazai allowed a smile to escape. "Cute," he commented and before Chuuya could make a comeback he leaned in this time and deepened the kiss. It lasted longer the second time before once again, Chuuya pulled back, a smile now present on his small lips too. He turned so he could face his partner better, the hand that had been cupping his cheek now moving to rest on Dazai's shoulders. Dazai, in turn, wrapped his arms around the thin waist, gently pulling the other half against him. He didn't want to wait any longer, so now he touched their lips once more, the kiss more eager and deeper. Slowly, he opened Chuuya's mouth and slipped in his tongue, a hum escaping the other as he pressed his body against Dazai's.
His chest filled with warmth and he desperately tried to ignore the exhaustion and pain in his body. Apparently, this was too much for him to handle, but Dazai liked sharing these moments with Chuuya. In the three months they've been together he learned that it was only Chuuya he enjoyed it this much with. His mind became fuzzy, his lips tingled and there was this numb feeling in his legs he really liked. He wanted more, but he knew he couldn't have it, not now at least.
He broke the kiss, not only because they needed to catch their breaths, but also because Dazai's body reached its limit.
He licked his own lips, chest going up and down rapidly. "I just…"
"You alright?" Chuuya asked, a worried frown present. He sat back to give Dazai more space.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he replied automatically, placing a small peck on the other's cheek. "Visitors' hour is over." Chuuya turned to the clock on the wall, his expression resuming to his usual scowl.
"Well then. I guess that means I'll have to leave you to rest. And you better rest properly, you fucker." Did he always have to scold him, really? He already missed the adorable blush on his cheeks when he looked at him earlier between kisses.
Standing up, Chuuya fidgeted with his school uniform, always wanting to look perfect no matter what. "I'll come by tomorrow if you haven't been released by then."
"With lunch?"
"You wish."
That was a yes.
Reply to the review:
Kuroheit: thank you! I'm very excited too and hope you liked the second chapter!
