The New Bean Brigade #1
"Initiation Test"
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At the local Middleton prison, two inmates were having a friendly discussion.
"I gotta tell ya cheap man, I didn't think we'd ever bond, seriously" Motor Ed said.
"Yeah, when I first met you, I thought you were annoying" Frugal Lucre added "but once I figured out you were the cousin of my idol, Dr. Drakken, things really took off from there."
"With you as my cellmate, this prison term will go by like that, seriously" Ed replied.
"Actually, we won't have to worry about that" Lucre explained "I've been working on a plan to get us out of here. What we do is hide some pillows under the blanket, so the guards think we're sleeping. Then using parts from the kitchen and shopyard, we build a death ray and…"
"Hold the phone, how the heck are we supposed to build a death ray with that stuff?" Ed asked.
"Actually, Drakken left me some plans for one" Lucre explained "they're around here somewhere."
The crook looked under the cot and around the cell; as he did, Ed heard the sound of someone approaching the cell.
"Congratulations Motor Ed" said a Southern accented voice "parole's come early for you."
"It's about time dudes, seriously" Ed said, "I was totally in here on a misdemeanor charge…" he added, as he turned to his saviors. "No way! Bean dude? I thought you were like, adrift in the time-space continuum, seriously."
"I was, but thanks to a new friend, I got out" Hannibal explained "anyway, I'm reassembling the Brigade, so I'm busting you out of here."
"Ed, you haven't seen the plans have you? I know I left them…giant bean!" Lucre exclaimed.
"Relax Lucre, he's cool" Ed explained "I did some work for bean man before ending up in the joint."
"I'd love to stay and meet your pal, but I do have more villains to retrieve" Hannibal replied "so let's get going."
"Oooh, are you busting us out?" Lucre asked happily "hold on a few minutes while I get my stuff."
Ignoring him, Hannibal turned the key in the lock. Getting it was easy enough, after taking the guard out with a well-placed vine chop. Ed then closed the cell door behind him, carefully, so that Lucre didn't hear.
"Let's get out of here" he ordered the other man; the figure produced a pocketwatch, and in a flash, the three disappeared.
"Okay, I'm all ready" Lucre added, before noticing they had gone "hmm, they must have been in a hurry. Oh well, I'm sure they'll be back for me any minute."
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Later, in his new headquarters, Hannibal surveyed his new team, consisting of Control Freak, Motor Ed, Slipstream (who had been plucked from time before all the Bang Babies lost thier powers), and Mad Jack.
"I can't believe I could only get three of the original members to return" he lamented "I tried ta make household names of those other villains, and this is the way they repay me?"
"I don't know what to tell you" Control Freak said "most of the team has moved on to other things, or disconnected their phones."
"So what's the plan bean dude? Is it just gonna be the five of us?" Ed asked.
"Not a chance" Hannibal replied "if I can't convince anyone else to return, I'll just have to recruit some new members."
"How are you going to do that?" CF wondered.
"The most effective way possible; put an ad in the paper and see who shows up" Hannibal explained.
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Soon the auditions to recruit new members were underway. A large table was in the middle of the hideout, with Hannibal, Control Freak, & Motor Ed behind it. For some reason, Hannibal was wearing a tight black shirt.
"Okay, bring in the first applicant" he said.
Entering the room was a young girl with white hair and a pink jacket.
"Name?" Hannibal enquired.
"Charmcaster."
"And why do you want to join our little group?"
"I'm always looking for allies to help me in battles against my enemies" Charmcaster replied "in fact, I was part of a similar group not long ago."
"Not bad dudette, but we're gonna need to see some qualifications, seriously."
Charmcaster responded by putting her hand out; suddenly, Ed's chair was yanked from under him, sending him crashing to the ground.
"Are those 'qualifications' good enough for you?" she asked.
"I like her skills, not to mention her smoking body" CF said.
"She is good, maybe too good for this group" Hannibal agreed.
"Come on, we can have a competent villain once in a while" CF added.
"Are you sure you don't just want her to join cause you like her?" Hannibal asked.
"That might be a factor, yes."
"Well, her magical powers do make her an asset" Hannibal said "okay, she's in."
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The next applicant was a middle-aged fellow in a purple & pink costume.
"I can already tell from your costume that this is going to be very painful" Hannibal said.
"Fellow villains, I am…the Mather!" the man said sinisterly "the malevolent master of math. The nefarious number-user. The adversary of addition!"
"We get it dawg" Ed said, "but a math villain, that's pretty lame bro, seriously."
"You won't think so when you see me in action" Mather replied and pulled out a large "6" and "4."
"Behold my number projectiles!" he said, tossing them forward, where they knocked over Hannibal's armored suit, which was mere feet behind the judges.
"Um, I promise to pay for that."
"Well, his costume is garish, his overall motif is pathetic, and he strikes me as pathetic and whiny" Hannibal said "he's exactly what we're looking for.
Congratulations Mather, you made it to the next round."
"There's a next round?" Ed asked puzzled.
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"Now, Mr. Beekeeper" Hannibal began "why should we hire you?"
"Well, I can control bees for one" Beekeeper said "I bet there aren't any other villains who can do that."
"True, but that doesn't really help us evil scheme wise, does it?" Hannibal asked.
"Well, what if your scheme is to steal all of the world's honey?" Beekeeper asked, "then I'm your man."
"Do you have any other, non-bee related skills?" CF asked.
"No, I mean, I'm the Beekeeper, doing stuff with bees is my whole thing" he explained "if I were like, 'Fly Guy' or something, then my thing would be flies, but I'm not, so it isn't."
"I'll make you a deal" Hannibal said, "we'll consider you if you shut up right now."
"Deal."
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"Where's the next applicant?" Hannibal asked his co-judges.
"I don't know" CF said, "nobody showed up. Instead, we got this box."
"Open it bro, maybe it's my Car Power magazines or something, seriously."
Control Freak opened the box, and out popped a familiar blue-skinned specter.
"Greetings human bean fellows, I, the Box Ghost, master of all things cardboard and square, wish to join your little team to prove my deadly powers to my enemies!"
"I liked your entrance, but you need to wow us with a show of power" CF said.
"Very well, witness the powers of the Box Ghost and beware!" BG then used his power on the box he came in, moving it to and fro.
"Witness my control of boxes and tremble, tremble I say!" he said.
"Uh, we'll call you" Hannibal replied uneasily.
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After the Box Ghost left, the next applicant came in.
She was a young woman with well-tanned skin, wearing a purple and indigo striped halter-top and wristbands, white pants, and black shoes. Under her arm she had an enormous purse.
"Name?" Hannibal inquired.
"You're kidding, right?" the girl asked, "you must know who I am."
"I do" CF said "you're Camille Leon, well-known heiress, reality show star and failed singer. And if I may add, one hot mama!"
"Well, I'm glad someone here knows who I am, even if he is a creepy, acne-ridden geek" Camille replied.
"Why would somebody like you want to join a super villain group?" CF asked, ignoring her comment.
"See I've had a bunch of encounters with this really uncool and unfashionable hero girl, Kim Possible, or something…" Camille explained.
"Whoa, hold the phone, you know Red?" Ed asked.
"Um, pardon me, guy with ugly hair, I'm talking here" Camille said "anyway, I figured if I could work with some other villains, maybe I could stop her from always bothering me."
"Uh huh, so what exactly do you do, Miss Leon?" Hannibal asked.
"Watch and see unfashionable bean person" Camille replied, as she turned herself into pop singer Britina "pretty impressive huh?"
"Sorry, but we don't need a shapeshifter, on account of this" Hannibal said, holding up the Moby Morpher "which can turn me into anything or anybody I want. And frankly, I find ya rude, spoiled, and annoying."
"Those are my best qualities" Camille said "but before you make your decision, listen to me sing."
"That's okay, you don't have to…" Hannibal began, but Camille didn't listen and began to sing 'Fergilicious.'
"She's very talented" CF added.
"I dunno bro, I think you only like her cause she's hot."
"So? That's enough to get my vote."
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After Camille was forcibly removed, the final applicant came in.
"Hi, my name's Tolinator, and if you give me a chance, I can prove to be a great villain."
"Uh huh, and what exactly do you do?" Hannibal asked, bored.
"I am the evil master of the bathroom!" Tolinator replied as evilly as possible "I use all sorts of toilet-related weapons to terrorize my enemies, observe" he said producing a plunger.
"Behold my Plunger of Doom, and watch as I…" he never got a chance to finish as he accidentally got the thing stuck to his face.
"Wait, wait, I can fix this!" he said, tugging at the plunger; in doing so, he tripped over his cape and landed on the table, smashing it.
"Almost…got…it" he said, finally yanking the plunger off "ta-da!"
His happiness was short lived upon finding that he had affixed it to Hannibal's face.
"Heh heh, sorry about that" he said, "I hope you won't hold this against me when you make your decision."
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Control Freak: It's good to be back, huh buddy?
Motor Ed: I'll say bro, the band is back together. Like how Van Halen reunited with both David Lee Roth, & Sammy Hagar. That was like, monumental, seriously, cause those dudes had some serious beef with one another.
CF: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ed: You know what band should reunite next? Judas Priest. Those guys have not rocked out in I don't know how long, seriously.
CF: Anyway, in the next chapter, our new group is finally assembled. Who made the cut? You'll have to read and see.
Ed: So read and review bros (starts humming 'Breaking the Law').
