Noctis, accidental cock-blocker.

Not everyone is as charmed by him as he thinks they are.


Portia eyed the girl standing third in line through her lashes, though careful not to miscount her current customer's change.

It was Friday night, Portia's favorite night of the week. The atmosphere created by the impending weekend, the palpable excitement shared by practically everyone who resided in Insomnia, was addicting.

Sure, she might have to return to this dinky little fast food joint-that qualified as neither restaurant nor establishment-the very next evening but that didn't matter. Because for now, she had an hour left on her shift and a morning free of classes, which meant a morning of sleeping.

After she found a date for that night, that is.

An hour left to go, and the girl standing third in line looked inviting. That is to say, she wasn't settled into a pair of stay-at-home sweatpants and her hair was curled into loose waves. More telling, she had stuffed her phone into her purse as she walked through the door and locked eyes with Porta.

Thankfully, the second guy in line only wanted a milkshake so before she knew it, the girl third in line became first, and sweet Six, she was prettier up close with emerald eyes, and a little knowing smile directed right at Portia.

Portia opened her mouth, prepped herself for her flirtiest how may I help you, when two nightmares crashed out from the back room.

Prince Noctis, hard working part time burger technician, balanced a sleeve of paper cups on his shoulder while his partner in crime, Prompto Argentum and human chocobo followed him, sipping a caramel tea.

Portia's eye twitched. They didn't even serve that and-

"Hey Noct. I bet your could warp with a fry."

Oh sweet Glacial tits.

Noctis looked thoughtful as he set down the sleeve of cups on the counter behind Portia. "Probably could."

As Prompto skipped into the back for a cup of fries that was definitely for the customers, the girl in line looked at Noct, and Portia watched as fucking stars filled them.

"Is that...Prince Noctis," she breathed. Portia's eye twitched again. Prompto burst back into the front.

As if to answer the girl's question himself, Noctis plucked a single fry from Prompto's cup, weighed it in his hand as if it were a sword worthy of his great house, and then threw it straight in Portia's direction, slightly to the right.

Portia didn't have time to yelp or scream or basically react because a split second later Noctis disappeared and, in a blue crystallized blur, flew through her and caught the fry with a victorious hand. Prompto cheered and then Portia watched in horror as the pretty girl, looking delighted in what was surely the best day of her life, left Portia for Noctis.

Portia watched the girl introduce herself with a cheery smile, fists clenched at her sides. "I'm going to fucking murder him."

"I'm pretty sure that'd be treason," Prompto chirped beside her.

Portia didn't give a flying chocobo what it was. She cast a withering look at Prompto and, since this was basically his fault anyway, reached out a hand and rustled his perfectly styled hair. His indignant squawk wasn't nearly as satisfying as her night would have been.

It was a lost cause; she watched the girl outright flirt with Noctis despite that fact that he didn't seem even notice. He twirled the fry in his stupid royal hand, slouching against the counter like a fucking fashion model.

Apparently that minimum effort of interaction was enough for the girl though because she left a few minutes later with a large contented smile and her number scribbled on a receipt paper, appetite apparently satisfied from hitting on the prince. Noctis balled up the paper and tossed it out the drive thru window.

Portia melted onto the countertop, head in her arms. "I just want to get laid."

"What about the girl who just came in?" Noctis piped up, obliviousness apparently his fourth name. "You seemed pretty into her."

Portia looked through her fringe to see him pop the fry in his mouth. She sat up, body tense as she reached for the sleeve of cups he abandoned. She tried her best to imitate that posh retainer of his with a steely glare.

She must have succeeded because Noctis and Prompto froze, which was great because it meant she didn't miss when she whapped Noctis across the head with the cups. "What about her? You just cock-blocked me!"

Noctis held up his hands in helpless surrender. "I...wait, what?"

Prompto took a loud slurp of his tea.

"Every week," Portia continued, backing him into the drive thru station as she hit him again and again. "Every week, without fail, you cock-block the shit out of me with your perfect princely self and your beautiful princely powers."

"Uh…ow!"

A hand landed on her shoulder and Portia whirled to find Prompto's annoyingly hopeful smile. "Calm down, Portia. The night is still young! You'll find someone."

Portia jabbed a finger at the door, where the girl had disappeared. "But I-she had such pretty lips-haven't you ever noticed a pair of lips and just...wanted them?"

Portia swore Prompto's eyes slipped over to Noctis but it barely lasted a second before he found the ceiling fascinating. "Uh. Yeah. I do, maybe."

Portia whacked Prompto over his mussed hair. "Then stop being...you two."

"Hey."

Noctis looked over Portia's shoulder, relief flooding his stupid perfect features. Portia whirled and found a mountain of a man leaning against the register, smirk spread across his equally perfect (scar included) face. Portia stilled as he slowly swept his eyes over her, up and down.

"I couldn't help but notice from my watch station," he jerked a thumb over his shoulder, at the gloomy strip mall outside, "that you have a pretty good sword arm."

"No. Gladio." Noctis sounded pained now. Ah, another retainer.

Portia squinted at the man-Gladio. "Are you trying to hit on me?"

Gladio merely straightened and crossed his arms, which allowed his tattooed muscles to stretch taut. Portia cast a quick glance at them. "Have you considered enlisting in with the Crownsguard?"

Prompto dropped his drink. Noctis choked.

"And protect this idiot?" She cast a dubious look at the coughing prince. Prompto rushed to give his back a sound slap. "Hell no."

"Shame," Gladio's eyes did not lose their appraising sparkle. He reached into a pocket of his tight leather pants (Portia's eyes darted down and then back up, suddenly flushed), and he pulled out a crisp white card. "If you change your mind though, I'm free to talk about it. Tonight, actually."

"Oh, gross, Gladio." That earned Noctis another whack. "Not you, him. This, that he's doing."

And Portia stared at him. Not her first choice, but there was a confidence in him that suggested she could be in for a fantastic night. Besides, she could do a lot worse. Like what Prompto was apparently pining for...

"You know what!" Portia dropped the cups; they landed with a pathetic squish in Prompto's down tea. She untied her apron and shoved it in Noctis's indignant face. "Let's talk. Right now. You assholes owe me."

Her anger with Noctis faded from righteous rage to a cool simmer as she quickly got her things and then fell into step with Gladio, who shot Noctis a gloating grin. Forty-five minutes to the end of the shift...she glanced up at Gladio. Well, at least Noctis was useful for something.


Notes:

+Noctis and Prompto never cockblocked her again.

+Portia did end up enlisting with the Crownsguard.

+Of course she survived the fall.

+And, idk, I sort of just think Gladio (and Portia) just likes beautiful people; guys, girls, the bros, whatever. He's confident enough to go around.