Me.
Me.
Me.
At the end of this road, and the beginning of another, I'm all too aware that's all I ever thought about. Me. If I'd only seen that ten seconds sooner. If I'd only seen that before you wasted your life for just that: Me.
And if you'd only known that I cared so deeply for you too. While you saved my body, I still died that day. A boulder, my soul could survive, but losing you… well that killed me. And I tried so hard, because I thought you'd want me to, but I was never the same leaving you behind. I tried to build a new life. And I tried my hardest to make it a life you'd be proud of. One worthwhile of all the pain and the suffering we went through.
But day by day, year by year, time pulled me further away from you, and I couldn't have been more aware. The shame crushed me every day, my own personal boulder to suffocate me the way I deserved. Slowly, slowly.
I think I drove myself crazy. I'd see you places I knew you could never be. I'd hear your voice in flashes of the wind. It made me ache so pathetically, so desperately for just a touch more. And I dreamed so often of finding you again.
Seeing you again. Hearing your voice again. I dreamed of pulling you into my arms, your head tucked into my chest, your hair in my hands, so soft and true, every piece of me starving for your company. I dreamed I could tell you over and over again that I love you. That I forgive you. And that I hope you can ever forgive me.
I'm so sorry, Teresa. I could have eternity with you in some afterlife and not be able to tell you how sorry I am for everything. But I couldn't stand waiting any longer; I'd built a life around the grief I felt, and none of it was fair. Not to you. Not to Brenda. Not to my little girl, who has your name. Not to anyone who knew me after we lost you. So I stopped waiting.
Me.
Me.
Me.
I'm selfish down to my last breath, which I steal from myself. I almost hear my daughter begin to wail as Brenda tearfully tells her what's happened, but suddenly, I'm not here anymore. The body I'd worn for decades stops weighing me down, and the world turns watery. I'm on the cliffside. And crazy as ever, I hear your voice lilting on the wind. But suddenly, in a glowing flicker of a breeze, here you are right in front of me, and you're as perfect as ever. The slow curve of your rosy lip trembles. And it's really you. I hear your last words in my mind, wondering if now is the moment they will cease to be your last words. I only ever cared for…
"You." Hearing your voice for the first time in so long almost kills me a second time, and I can't help but burst into tears. And finally, finally,
All of my dreams come true.
