Ch.2

Just Breathe

Lizzie was excited, today was the welcome party for the Bingley's and she couldn't wait to meet and get to know them. She was sure that they would be great friends, if they weren't snobs that is. Her mom was in an uproar making sure that all of them looked their best. 'Have to impress the Bingley's! They have a son your age Jane! They're rich!'

It didn't dampen her mood that Lexie would be arriving later, if anything she was a little relieved. She loved Lexie, she did, but Lexie was just too melancholy for her. Wasn't that what her pills were for? So she could at least be normal? She knew their mom was happy that Lexie wouldn't be going with them but that didn't stop her from dressing Lexie up as best she could.

Even though they were twins and lived in the same room together they didn't have anything in common apart from liking a few of the same books and music. She was closer to Jane and preferred to be in her company or her dads, anything she couldn't share with Jane she told her dad. Lexie on the other hand never spoke to anyone unless she was spoken too. No wonder she only has three friends. She couldn't understand why Lexie was the way she was, yes she was a little weird but she had a lot to be happy about. She was pretty, smart, a talented violinist, she could play the piano and she could sing. Lizzie almost felt plain compared to her but she couldn't. She liked herself and she was happy. Of course she was proud of Lexie but she just didn't understand her nor did she want to. She just left Lexie alone to study, practice, and to her laptop.


By the time they got to the party, most of their neighbors were already there except the Bingley's. She couldn't help but think of how rude it was for them to show up late for a party that was for them. Twenty minutes passed before they finally showed up, looking down at all of them. They just happened to walk in when a song ended and everyone fell quiet.

She remembered hearing that they only had one son and she wondered who the other guy was. The taller one with dark hair caught her eye but he had a light scowl on his face. She turned and asked Charlotte what she knew about them already. Apparently William Darcy was the cuter of the two, he came from old money, so he was very rich.


She was talking to a girl in her grade when her mom and Jane came out of nowhere. Her mom grabbed her hand and started pulling her towards Charlotte and Mrs. Lucas. She finally got to look up and she saw Mr. Lucas heading their way with the Bingley's. She had to roll her eyes at her mother's enthusiasm, she must have been watching them like a hawk. She heard her mom mention that Lydia and Kitty were off dancing but she couldn't stop looking at Charlie, who couldn't stop staring at Jane.

It didn't take Charlie one second to ask Jane to dance and the next thing she knew she was left alone with William. He didn't even seem to notice that they were alone either, he didn't seem to want to be here at all. She doubted he even got to know anyone or bothered to learn their names. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he was shy, she was the one who tried to break the ice.

"Do you like you dance?" She asked.

"Not if I can help it." She could hear the slight annoyance in his voice.

She nodded. "How do you like Meryton?"

"It is fine for a country town." He said looking anywhere but her.

"Do you like the Netherfield residence?" She tried again, trying to think of what else to ask.

"Yes." He said a bit agitated.

"My family lives down the road to the right, we're neighbors." She smiled.

"Yes," he stated.

She took a quick deep breath. "Would you like any punch?" She tried, getting frustrated.

"No, thank you." He replied coldly, hardly glancing her way.

"Excuse me." She said giving up. Just like Lexie.


"Darcy, you can't be a wall flower all night. You have to get out there, get to know people. Dance!" She heard a couple feet away from her.

"Charlie, your sisters are busy at the moment and in case you did not notice you are dancing with the only pretty girl here. I-"

"I know! Jane is so beautiful, she's almost an angel. But there are plenty of pretty girls here. Look there's Elizabeth, Jane's sister. She is just as pretty, ask her to dance." He playfully shoved him.

"She is OK, but not pretty enough for me. Nobody else wants to dance with her, why should I?" he said conceitedly. "I'm not in the mood to dance, go back to your 'angel' and leave me alone." He said coldly.

She couldn't believe what she heard, she was more shocked than offended. She usually didn't eavesdrop but they were so loud and Jane's name caught her attention. She wanted to know if Charlie really like Jane or just wanted in her pants. The way they looked at each other told her there was something there, but she was looking out for her sister. Charlie got huge bonus points referring to her as an angel, but Darcy was now a huge jerk. She couldn't believe he had the nerve to think she wasn't pretty enough for him. She really wished she still had her cup of punch. She would have loved to pour it all over him, she took a deep breath and thought about it.

She always knew she wasn't as beautiful as Jane or even Caroline, she'd admit but she wasn't ugly and she wasn't plain. She knew she was pretty and she had never thought otherwise, nor was she going to start thinking so just because he didn't like her. She took a deep breath and her anger soon faded. She wanted to laugh for even letting him get in her head. Why do you even care what he thinks? It's obvious he's a jerk and sad. He hasn't stopped frowning since he got here.

She looked around and spotted Charlotte walking around by herself, she needed to tell her what just happened. As she walked by Darcy, she tried to suppress her laughter but by the time she reached Charlotte, she couldn't contain it anymore.

"Oh Lizzie, be grateful. If he liked you, you'd have to talk to him." Charlotte tried lifting her mood.

"I wouldn't dance with him if he was the last guy on earth." She laughed, brushing her off as Charlotte joined her.

Pushing Darcy to the back of her mind, she focused all of her attention on having a good time. It was a party after all. She spotted Caroline and Darcy standing in the corner together, she had her arm wrapped around him possessively and they looked like the perfect beautiful couple. They looked like the perfect match, both looked bored to death, both had their noses in the air. She knew they were both snobs, especially Caroline who she heard bragging about her dress and how expensive it was. All of those girly girls were already eating out of her hands.


She was walking around the room, taking a break from dancing with Charlotte when she saw her mom walking with a purpose somewhere. She thought Lexie might have been there but when she looked at her mom's path, she knew she was going to go talk to Jane and Charlie. Worried, she hurried over hoping she wasn't too late. She loved her mom, she was a great mom but she didn't have a filter at all and always, said the wrong things.

"Do you enjoy dancing?" Her mom was asking Charlie.

"Yes, Charlotte is a great dancer." He smiled.

"Oh yes! Charlotte is quite charming, it's a shame she is so plain looking."

Jane blushed a deep red and she knew she must have looked the same. She was about to say something but her mom kept going.

"She certainly is nothing compared to my Jane. You know, she's the most beautiful girl in her class!" She gushed.

She really couldn't believe her mom but a part of her knew. She couldn't help but groan as Darcy walked up to them, no doubt hearing what she said. Another song started and Charlie didn't waste any time asking Jane to dance again.


They were all exhausted by the time they got home around one in the morning. She saw Lexie was already asleep and she realized that she didn't go to the party but didn't give it a second thought. She threw the dress off and changed into her pjs that were on the floor by the bed.


She woke up around eight to an empty room and she knew Lexie went for a walk or ride. She didn't feel like jogging today so she decided to walk around the house. As she walked around she couldn't stop thinking about the party and what a jerk Darcy was. His words wouldn't leave her mind and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became again. She was more than willing to give him a chance but he blew it with his lousy miserable attitude, she only hoped she wouldn't see him around school too much. If she was lucky she wouldn't have any classes with him.

Wanting to forget him, she thought about Jane. Last night as they got home, Jane couldn't stop smiling and she knew that Jane really liked him even if she hadn't said anything. She wished for Jane's sake that Charlie would ask her out and she hoped if that happened, her plans of avoiding Darcy wouldn't be ruined.

Walking into the kitchen, she noticed everyone was downstairs eating breakfast. Her mom was telling her dad all about Mrs. Bingley and her daughters, from what they were wearing to how sophisticated they all were. She was angry that Mr. Bingley couldn't go to the party and how rude it was of him. Over and over, they heard how Charlie couldn't stay away from Jane and to her horror her mom somehow knew that Darcy didn't find her attractive. He looked up at her and she smiled, letting him know she was unaffected by it. He slightly shook his head and continued letting her mom talk his ear off.

She felt bad for her dad. He really didn't care about anything that was being said but he was forced to listen to her. She didn't know why he paid attention to everything she said. He looked at his watch and coughed, getting up saying he would be late for work. By then all of them were finished eating. Lizzie helped Jane clear the table and wash the dishes and they spent most of their time talking about Charlie. It was fun to see how Jane reacted to his name, and how she lit up when she talked about him. She seemed really happy and to know a lot about him for someone she just met.

Lydia and Kitty began arguing and it quickly escalated to a yelling match. She really hated this routine, they were always fighting over the smallest thing and their mom would scream her head off, asking for some peace and quiet.

"Jane! I need my medicine!" Her mom yelled from the top of the stairs.

Jane walked was walking to the living room and the house phone rang. Her mom answered the phone. Several minutes later she came to tell them that Charlotte and her mom were coming over so they needed to get ready.


Lexie woke up earlier than she usually did but did the same routine. Wake up, stretch in bed, get up and stretch for five minutes, gather her clothes and pills. She wasn't going jogging today so she showered for fifteen minutes, got dressed, drank three of her pills, made her bed, ate a piece of fruit, brushed her teeth for two minutes, her hair for five, and then styled it into a ponytail.

It was usually what she did when she went to school, if she jogged she would shower afterwards, if she walked or rode Aries, she'd shower before because sometimes she didn't even get sweaty or feel dirty. Lizzy and she often jogged together, and she would rarely go horse riding with Jane. During the summer she would do either of these things in the morning and then come back, study for several hours, looking up music and videos, doing extra homework, getting a head start on the school year. Then she would relax and watched videos and shows, all on her computer. The only time she was bothered was for chores and to eat dinner with the family.

She thought she'd feel better after the pills but she could feel it was a bad day. She felt, she felt sad, like she couldn't breathe and her heart felt heavy. She hated these days, when that tiny voice reminded her of how mundane her life was. She did the same thing every single day, even if it was changed slightly, there was still a routine for how she did it. But it was what she knew and felt comfortable with. This is what you wanted.

As she made her way outside, she knew she couldn't ride Aries. He would pick up on her mood and know something was wrong, she just started walking away from the house. She knew they were all going be gossiping about last night and she didn't want to be there. She wondered what time they came home but knew that it would have been late if Rose had her way. The countless hours she had to endure at parties because Rose didn't want to leave. Poor Darcy if he arrived with the Bingley's instead of his own car. He would have had to stay until the last guest left, seeing as the party was for them. She still couldn't place the color of those eyes; ignoring the fact that she was thinking about him at all.

Inhaling the fresh morning air, she gave a small smile as the cold air burned the inside of her nose and throat. She paused to get past the small shivers she felt running up and down her spine. Looking around and knew she had to keep walking, she needed to calm her nerves, it felt like the whole world was caving in on her and she had no idea why. There was nothing she could do about it, all she could do was just get through the day.

The pills always helped numb everything but she still had her bad days. Nothing but solitude could help and being in a house with six other people would drive any sane person mad. She loathed that she had something in common with Rose. Rose was always going on and on about her 'poor nerves this' or her 'poor nerves that' when she was trying to get her way, or didn't. Logically she knew there was a difference between the both of them but she didn't want to have anything in common with that woman or have anyone say she was like her.

She never complained to anyone, not even Dr. Stone. Anytime she felt bad, hurt, upset, or angry she always buried it deep down keeping it locked away. She didn't like to feel and she didn't want to, she didn't try to get sympathy from anyone nor did she want it. Nothing mattered in the end anyways. She just wanted to be left alone.

She often wondered if Rose's anxiety was even real or just a play. It wasn't like Rose needed prescription medication for her nerves or headaches. They appeared and disappeared at the drop of a hat and all she took was a mild pain reliever. She would always feel better too soon for those pills to have any real effect. Maybe I should give her placebos next time, she thought to herself and giggled. Then she would know for sure and never have to pretend to feel guilty about getting on Rose's 'poor nerves' ever again. She chuckled out loud this time.

She inhaled again and tried to clear her head. No use, so she kept walking.

She knew she had more going for her than most people did, she was intelligent, talented and was better off than most people in her town, even her sisters. She didn't think they couldn't achieve what she did, she believed in them, they just had to put in the work. She wasn't conceited like others were, she just knew she had it good. There was no reason to complain, she never rubbed her achievements in others faces like Rose and her father did. She didn't think she was better or above anyone; she didn't think much of herself, she hated herself. What you had is what you worked for, Rose and her father came to mind.

They had a horrible marriage, they didn't work together and as a result she had a distant father and an overbearing mother. She couldn't fathom why they even got married in the first place, she'd known from a young age that they didn't love each other. Maybe they were in love in the beginning, when did they become so miserable? *'Love, love will tear us apart again.'

Maybe it was when I was born. Rose often called her a mistake, 'I should have only had one child!' Fate of course was cruel on her end and made her second born. She couldn't dwell on the thoughts of what could have been, it was what is was; she was who she was. She didn't expect love to work for her, she didn't even believe in it, and she knew no one would ever love her. Fuck, stop thinking about it.

She didn't even know why she was thinking about love or marriage. She's getting into your head! Stop it!

It wasn't like she'd ever had a boyfriend, in fact no boy had ever been interested in her, not that she wanted any attention at all. There's someone for everyone. Right? Who are you kidding? Marriage is like everything else, you have to work at it. Surely I could make it work but what does that entail? You'll probably fail. Think of all the other shit you need to do. Stop thinking about it! Just stop!

The only male in her life was Stanley Hurst, one of her only friends but so much more. He was the older brother she never had, her protector, her teacher, her Jedi Master. Showing her, Anne, and Mary music, movies, books, and shows they would have probably never known about. She never saw him as anything more and vice versa; he was in love with Anne but she never felt right telling her.

Anne De Bough has been her best friend for the last nine years. They met on Lexie's first day at Silver M, their teacher sat them next to each other and they eventually clicked once their shyness faded. They have been inseparable ever since. Mary Phillips, her cousin and other best friend also attended school with them but was a grade under them. Her friends got her through the day, their friendship meant more to her than they could possibly know and she loved them deeply.

Needing to stop, she took looked around and realized that she was near the Bingley's property. I must have walked five miles. She stood there enjoying the view for a moment as she rested. The sky was clear and blue, the leaves on several of the trees around her were changing color, and there were still patches of green grass all around. Wishing she could stay out here all day, she reluctantly walked backwards and tripped over a large rock.

She hit the ground hard, happy no one was around to see her, laugh at her; before she could stop herself she found herself laughing. It was a great feeling she only wished she could enjoy more of. Lizzie was always laughing at herself and she wasn't afraid to be herself either. Sometimes she wished she could be more like her, then again if she was like Lizzie, she'd be a clone. But she and Lizzie were too different, Lizzie wasn't given the great opportunity she had, she hadn't been at the top of her class for the last nine years. Lizzie didn't play two instruments, she didn't speak more than one language and Lizzie didn't think the way she did.

No, she wasn't Lizzie. They were two different people; Lizzie didn't have to take pills to function. She wasn't under the same pressure. Lizzie was carefree, very sociable. She was happy and Lizzie was lovable. Despite all of her accomplishments she didn't think she was better than Lizzie at all. She envied her. She didn't want to be like Lizzie, all she wanted was to be happy.

She looked up at the sky and just stared off into the distance, not bothering to move at all. She knew she could never forget this miserable world because she'd always be in it. She would always feel this pressure, the anxiety, the loneliness. She will never be happy in it, she will never be free.

"Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
When at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

Long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide,
Balanced on the biggest wave

You race towards an early grave."

A/N:
-Lexie refers to her mother as Rose and Lizzie does not.
-Lexie refers to her house as just a house and Lizzie will refer to it as her home.
-Lexie calls Darcy, Will and Lizzie calls him Darcy.

Also I did not mention much about Lexie's absence in Lizzie's POV, because to Lizzie it's not unusual for Lexie to be unnoticed. When I wrote, "Lexie was just too melancholy for Lizzie." It was to point out that Lizzie does not understand Lexie. In her POV, Lexie and she grew up in the same house and although she did not change schools, she does not see how they turned out so different. I believe that Lizzie would have done fine at a new school. Lizzie does not see the world as Lexie does and I feel that a lot of people do not understand why people take medication for depression. A "It's all in their head" kind of attitude.