Yayy, another one! These will just be a bunch of separate stories all their own, each one a little different from the other. This one is Pre-RENT, and mostly one-sided Mark/Roger. A bit of angst, in a way, but I like to think it's not completely depressing...
This one was inspired by a RENT music video found on YouTube which I will post a link to in my profile shortly. It's to the song Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick, which is a beautiful song that I recommend listening to. Anyway, the lyrics shown below are from the second verse, and in this music video, the second verse is meant to be (or at least from the video I interpreted it as) Mark 'singing' about Roger, which just gave me the inspiration for this short little piece. The video is credited to the YouTube user kitty4cat who's made some pretty incredible videos, this one among them.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.
There are a million and one reasons Mark Cohen could have for hating Roger Davis.
Roger is cocky. Roger is crude. Roger is stubborn. Roger is loud. Roger is temperamental. Roger is selfish. Roger always does what he wants to do. Roger curses too much. Roger smokes. Roger has a tendency to get into fights with people. Roger treats Mark like shit a lot of the time. Roger blames the world for everything that's happened to him. Roger drinks vodka straight from the bottle and milk straight from the carton. Roger is angry. Roger is a junkie. Roger spends 99% of his time doing nothing but worrying about his smack.
But in spite of all these reasons he could have to hate his roommate, Mark Cohen does not hate Roger Davis a bit. In fact, it's quite the opposite, if he were to be honest about how he really feels. This is something new for Mark. Most of the time, Mark is detached from everything and hiding behind his camera and he's terrible about being honest when it comes to his feelings. Still, his feelings towards the suffering blonde musician are almost painfully clear to him. He's probably not supposed to feel this way because they're best friends, have been since high school, and they live together and neither of them is supposed to be interested in men, they are both very straight, and for God's sake, Mark has a girlfriend now. So what is it about Roger, the man he has every reason to detest, that makes Mark keep coming back, makes his pulse speed up and his smile brighten and his eyes light up whenever he enters the same room?
He wonders about this for a very long time, as Roger starts attempting to quit the drugs, and Mark is the only one left at his side through the nights of withdrawal and shivers and fever and pain and anger. Mark only gains more reasons to hate Roger as this goes on, as he becomes the brunt of Roger's withdrawal-caused rage, and he now sports bruises as evidence of this. Mark still isn't sure why he stays, and perhaps he'll never know the exact reason, though over the months he begins to notice things he could possibly love about Roger too.
Roger is a fighter. Roger is talented. Roger cares about Mark. Roger is smart. Roger is slowly coming back to life. Roger is kind, deep down. Roger is Mark's best friend. Roger has given Mark some of the best and most interesting experiences of his young life.
But one of the things Mark Cohen loves the most about Roger Davis is a lot simpler than all of these. It's much more tangible and real and it's something anyone can see when it appears.
In Mark's eyes, Roger has one of the most beautiful smiles in the world.
He hasn't seen it very often lately, with all that's been going on. Between losing April, discovering his HIV, and attempting to quit the drugs, Roger has little occasion or reason to smile anymore. In fact, he doesn't smile once for what must be months. The first person to get him to smile again is Mark, and he didn't even plan to make that happen.
It's just another night for the two of them. A lot of the same things that have always been happening are going on. Roger's curled on the couch under a blanket, a damp cloth on his forehead as he shivers, teeth chattering against each other, in the throes of another feverish fit of withdrawal. He's shaking and sweating and he's in so much pain he can hardly stand it. In fact, at the moment, he's about to pass out, hovering on the edge of unconsciousness. And Mark, loyal, dutiful, ever-present Mark, is right by his side, silent but there, his smaller hands grasping Roger's larger one, his little attempt at being a comfort. It's clear that the air between them is tense, as not five minutes before Roger hit Mark so hard his arm is beginning to bruise. But Roger has calmed down a little bit, and Mark is still there, ignoring the ache as whatever Roger is going through must be worse.
And then green eyes open and Roger turns his head and looks at Mark, his expression almost surprised as though he has only just now noticed the slightly-younger man's presence. Mark looks back quietly, still grasping Roger's hand, and finally the tense silence is broken by Roger's raspy, shaking voice.
"W-Why are you s-still h-here?" It's not an angry question. It sounds like Roger is genuinely curious as to why Mark hasn't left him, after all he's done and all they've been through. Mark is not sure how to respond to this question since he's been wondering the same thing himself, but suddenly, somewhere deep in his heart, he realizes he knows the answer. He's known it for a long time. It's all the same, isn't it? So Mark looks Roger in the eyes, allowing a gentle smile to tug at his lips before he quietly voices his response.
"Because I love you too damn much to leave." He finally says, his stomach squeezing a little as he waits for Roger to react. He's afraid Roger will freak out, punch him, curse at him, make Mark leave forever, but he had to get it out into the air. He couldn't leave that all bottled up. But then something surprising happens.
Roger smiles.
At first, it looked more like he was grimacing in pain from some kind of internal acke. But soon Mark sees that it's not an expression of pain at all. Through all the pain and fear and anger and God-only-knows-what-else he probably feels right now, Roger Davis is smiling, and it's the most beautiful thing Mark thinks he's ever seen in his life. Weakly, Roger squeezes Mark's hand, that gorgeous smile still gracing his cracked lips, tiredly blinks his eyes and he says "Ok..." and then his eyes shut again and the smile slowly starts to fade and he soon falls asleep fast asleep
Mark knows that Roger won't remember any of this when he wakes up. He'll be back to his old self. It was a brief exchange, a minute at the most, and Roger will probably never remember that it happened at all. But Mark decides then and there to commit that smile on Roger's face and that moment they shared to memory and look back on it forever, because it's more beautiful than anything he could ever hope to see.
There are a million and one reasons Mark Cohen could have for hating Roger Davis. But there's one reason in particular that Mark will always stay, and that's because he's waiting for the next time he'll be able to make Roger smile.
I'm not gonna beg, but a review would make me uber happy!
