Ganas de Ti, Karol G
"…..Yo sé que quieres pero no te atreves
Yo sé que si puedes si lo dices
Yo puedo también y dime donde nos vamos a ver
Dime baby, esta noche como vamos a resolver
Ya no puedo ocultarlo más
Ya no puedo ocultarlo más
Se me notan las ganas
Te quiero en mi cama
Ve si te quedas o te vas
Pero si tú te vas a quedar
Te quedas en mi cama
Ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay
Ay, ay ay ay
Tengo ganas de ti
Ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay
Ay, ay ay ay
Tengo ganas de ti…."
Cesar stuck his head into the living room where his Tia Carla was binging on her favorite telenovela. "Don't wait up for me, OK? Jamal, Ruby, and I are camping out at Ruby's tonight."
"Cesar!" She frowned from beneath the perfectly straightened bleached blond hair that clashed with her dark brows. "You don't have to lie to me. I know you go to an end of the school party." She hit pause on the TV. The DVR had shown up on their doorstep a few weeks ago. Somehow things had a tendency to do that in this house. Cesar suspected that Los Santos were to blame but there was no point in getting upset. He had no standing to ask anyone for details anyhow. Bash might tell him but his uncle would get bent out of shape if he even hinted the stealing was wrong.
"Yeah, we might go to the party. But we are relly camping afterward."
"Claro, you go to the party. Have the fun. You are growing up so fast. You will be too busy for this things soon enough."
He grinned and kissed her cheek. "Not too soon."
Her lips turned down in a slight frown. "Oh don't you worry boy. Hector seems hard-hearted but he does have plans for you. He just wants to see you grow up a little more first is all." He spent his walk wondering how they could not see after four years that he wasn't all that interested in joining the Santos.
Monse, Ruby, and Jamal met him at the corner at 10 PM. "You wore blue!" Ruby immediately began second guessing his fashion choices. Cesar glanced down at his tee shirt. He'd worn whichever one his hand landed on first when he reached into his second drawer.
"Dude, I suspect at least one in five guys at the party will be wearing blue." Jamal commented. "Statistically speaking, the chances of a guy not wearing blue, black, white, gray, or red is low."
"What about green or yellow?" Monse arched a brow at their friend. "Yellow can be a manly color."
"Prophet colors." Ruby turned and walked backward. "Mario says that Jacob, the guy holding the party, is your Tio Hector's bastard son. So I can't see Prophet colors in this house, at all. Cesar knew Jacob, except he usually went by Smash. He was a whiz with car stereos but-
"Are you sure your story is right? 'Cause that would make him Cesar's half cousin and they look nothing alike. You didn't get that from Jasmine, did you?" Monse interrupted. She was rolling her eyes so big at Ruby that she almost tripped over an uneven bit of sidewalk.
Cesar flung out an arm to catch her. God her skin was like nothing he'd ever felt before. Two weeks ago he'd gone over to her house to study with the guys' ragging in the back of his mind and suddenly everything about her was ten times more compelling than it had ever been before. "Cuidado Monse. You'll never get those railroad tracks off your face if you plant it into the sidewalk."
She ignored him, slipping her arm free without even a second glance. "No es possible. Tell him Cesar. Jacob and his mom didn't move here until he was like ten at least."
He did some quick math in his head. Yeah, Jacob must have been born around 2000. That was about when his Dad went away that first time so Hector had a lot of new responsibilities. "It's possible. But there's like thirty other Santos that could be Jacob's father too. His mother used to run with the 4th Street Hermanas."
Ruby pivoted forward again. "Cesar, I can't look at you if you're going to slut shame. Monse come on. We can't leave you with this guy anymore."
Cesar laughed. "You're so full of it Ruby. Everyone knows that Jacob's mom spent a lot of time down in pimp lane. He practically got off the school bus there for years."
"No, he didn't. He got off at the corner of 4th and…oooohhhhh." Jamal trailed off.
Monse bumped Cesar's shoulder. "Yeah, seriously guys, if I'm not offended, none of you should be either." His whole side tingled from where she'd bumped him. He wondered if she even knew the effect she could have on them. Ever since his brother had gone to prison when he was 10, it had been a little harder to make friends. And when middle school rolled around and all the girls started acting prissy and stupid, Monse had been the only one who stayed normal. She could be trusted to never giggle or drop hints or distract him with annoying notes in class. She was a ride or die friend, and along with Ruby and Jamal, the best he'd ever had. At least, that was until she had kissed him after he made her laugh telling her about what Hector had said to him. Ever since she'd been acting like it never happened leaving him totally confused.
They rounded another corner and the party came into view. Kids were all over the lawn and the drive, loud music pumped out of the windows, and the smoke from a grill rose into the night sky. "So how we gonna play this?" Ruby asked. "You think we can just walk in? I mean, once we grab a beer it will be just like we were invited, right? No one knows everyone at our school."
"Dude, no one else cares if we are there but it's Mario who will totally rat you out." Monse reined in Ruby's plans.
"We'll go around back, look over the wall and find out if he's there. And if he is there, we'll just go to a different area." He told them.
"This is a high school party, we need beers and weed and beautiful chicas to enjoy it properly." Jamal protested. "No offense Monse, but you aren't what I'm looking for."
"Who says I'm looking for anything either?" She wrinkled her nose at them. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe Monse hadn't liked the kiss and she didn't want to tell him. He watched her hips swing easily as she strode directly toward the party. No, Monse would have said she didn't like it right away. She didn't hold back. And hadn't she been the one to kiss him first? One minute they were leaning against the fence outside her room, talking about the letter she'd just gotten accepting her to writing camp, and the next she had sighed; thanked him for being there for her; and backed him up against the fence. She had been into it; he was sure, so much so that after she'd pushed herself away, mumbled that she was sorry for doing something so stupid, and run into the house, he'd had to catch his breath and calm his hormones before he could walk back to Hector and Carla's house.
Twenty minutes later they were watching Mario and Angelica get it on in the midst of the dancing and carousing as if they only had eyes for one another. He stole a glance at Monse. Would she freak out if he told her that he'd like to have that some day, with her?
Probably. She'd probably kick his ass for not interpreting her blowoff correctly too. Monse was scrawny but she had way more of a temper than he did. Tia Carla said he took after his mother, always letting other people have their way at the expense of his own needs. He watched as Mario pulled Angelica closer so that their hips ground together. Angelica frowned for a moment but then she melted against him. He definitely needed to be more like Mario. Guys like Mario seemed to get what they wanted. After all, Mario had run with the Santos for a few years and then he'd gotten serious about school, made top marks, and he was going to college this fall. Mrs. Martinez treated him like a hero now that he had gotten a scholarship. She cooked his favorites and gave him pocket money and told everyone in the neighborhood how he had done his family so proud by saving them from the cost of tuition.
Later that night, after Mario's melt down, they crowded around the table and played cards for Abuelita's cookies. Monse was in the lead when her phone dinged. As she tipped her hand to swipe across the screen Jamal half fell out of his chair trying to get a peak at her cards. "Hey, we're not playing wild west style!" Ruby protested. "I know because last hand I totally caught a reflection of Cesar's jack of spades in the toaster but I made myself not use that information."
"We didn't declare no Wild West rules." Jamal angled his head to see what he could pick up from the toaster. "It's like when you want to park your car on the street. It's fair game unless there is a no parking sign."
Monse was frowning at the message on her phone.
"What? That's not how it works Jamal!"
Cesar leaned over and asked quietly, "What's up?"
"Just Dad. He got caught in some traffic this afternoon and hasn't been able to make up the time. Say he's gonna have to pull over and sleep soon or he'll get fined."
"Tell him you're here at Ruby's."
She nodded absentmindedly and continued to type. Huffing in frustration at whatever her dad replied.
"If we're going Wild West than I request a re-deal for this hand. I wasn't aware of the rule sitch and it's only fair." Ruby reached for the deck.
Jamal reached across the table with one of his gangly arms and slapped a hand on top of Ruby's. "Deal on the re-deal. No deal on the you-deal."
"Besides it's my hand!" Monse stared them all down.
A few hands later Mario came out and raided the fridge. Ruby groaned. "Great, now our room will smell like corn chips all night!"
"Like it doesn't already." Jamal shrugged. "At least he's moving out soon."
"Hell, I'd take a room that smelled like food over smoke and stale beer any day." It was no secret with these guys that he hated living with his tios. His aunt was sweet and his uncle and cousin tried to keep him involved in the family, but they smoked and drank and there were guys over at their house constantly. "Last week I came home after exams and some cholo and his ruca I'd never met before were using my room to, you know."
Ruby shifted slightly farther away from him. "Ew, you better get yourself to the clinic for some antibiotics dude. You can catch like a million STDs second hand like that." Jamal and Monse shook their heads enthusiastically.
He rolled his eyes at them. "I can work the washing machine by myself."
Ruby tossed his cards down. "So you just let them do their thing and then cleaned up after? That's sad. You gotta take a stand. Be a man and put your foot down. Make your room your sacred space."
"Personally I would have just gone in and gone about my business like they weren't there." Monse added more cookies to the pile. "How would anyone concentrate with someone watching? It wouldn't be worth it and they would give up and stop."
Jamal turned to her. "What do you mean concentrate? There's boobs and butts, and..everything. Where else would your concentration be?"
Cesar's gut twinged as twin dusky patches appeared high on her cheeks. "You know to ah…you know.." She glanced down at her cards and then at the closed bedroom door and then at him. Damn if he wasn't dying to hear what she said. Thoughts he'd been trying not to have for two weeks crowded out everything in the room. First and foremost was an image of the slightly darker brown skin at the edge of Monse's palm in contrast to her smooth stomach, moving south. He had to adjust himself in his seat.
"You mean to climax?" Ruby supplied. "Seriously? You have a whole house to yourself Monse. Try living in 1200 square feet with seven people. Seven! I can assure you, no concentration is needed. You just need to train yourself to get in, get out, get satisfied." Then he glanced back at the room he shared with Mario. "But if I had my own room…"
"No details, please?" Monse tossed her cards down. "I love you guys, but this is more than I need to know. And I need to get packing." She pushed her chair back.
Jamal leaned over the table. "Don't go Monse. We'll change the subject. How do you suppose Angelica does it, with her dangler? Is she slow like a girl or wham-bam like a guy?"
Ruby erupted into giggles. "Dude, I never thought of that!"
"Ok. You guys have fun camping out." Monse grabbed her purse and headed for the door. "Camp is a no phone zone so I'll send you a postcard or something."
"Monse!" The three of them scrambled from their seats. "You can't go! Camp out with us and pack in the morning."
Jamal wrapped his arms around her in a sideways hug. "We're gonna miss you too much!"
She tipped her head to rest on Jamal's shoulder. "I know. But you guys will have each other. And you can write to me too."
Jamal released her into Ruby's arms. "If you write me into any of your stories, make me like the most secretly bad-ass guy, ok?" He kissed her cheek. "It's either that or the criminal mastermind."
She hugged Ruby back. "I'll keep that in mind." And then suddenly she was pivoting toward him. Cesar's pulse raced. He wasn't ready!
She spun right past him. "Do you guys mind if I borrow Cesar for a bit? I need someone tall to get my suitcase down from the garage rafters."
Ok then, he supposed that meant he ought to follow her. "I'll be back. Just gonna walk Monse home."
Jamal and Ruby exchanged a look, shrugged, and slumped back to their seats a the table. "Ok."
"But we can't guarantee any snacks by the time you get back." Ruby added. Snacks were only on the schedule from 11 to 1. After that, I need my beauty sleep."
"I'll take my chances." He nodded toward the door. "C'mon."
Monse was silent as she marched down the Martinez' short front path and then pivoted to the sidewalk. Cesar grabbed the gate before it had a chance to slam behind her. "Slow down Monse! Are you really in such a hurry to pack up and leave us all?"
"Ha!" She grabbed at one of the straps of the ridiculous jumper she was wearing before it had a chance to slip down her shoulder. He'd been watching it all evening and wondering if she realized that most girls their age would wear it with nothing under it but a sports bra or one of those tiny tank tops that made girls look all soft and round and- "I don't really need you to get my suitcase down." She told him matter of factly as she stepped up to the curb at the corner and waited for a car to glide past. He recognized Cheeto at the wheel, probably on the lookout for Prophets after whatever those shots were from before.
"Ok, then why did you want me to come with you?"
"Would you believe me if I said it was late, and I didn't want to walk home alone?"
He blinked in surprise. Yeah it was late, but these streets weren't any more dangerous now than they were at noon. Maybe even less so with the constant cop presence they got late at night. Plus, this was Monse. "I wouldn't believe it. You're not afraid of anything. Besides, if it was so dangerous you would worry about me walking back to Ruby's by myself."
"No." One side of her lips and brow curved up in supposed annoyance at him. "You're safe out here."
He took her hand and began tugging her across the street. "Yeah, right. My brother's influence only goes so far. It also means I practically have a green light on me all the time."
She stopped in the middle of the street and looked back toward Ruby's. "Should we go back then?"
"Hell no. You asked me to get you a suitcase so you can run away and escape all this for the summer and that's what I'm going to do." He hadn't meant to express his jealousy quite so freely but there it was. She might as well know how lucky she was.
She squeezed his hand before stepping forward again with a sigh. "Come on, before I feel too guilty to go."
When they reached the opposite curb he tugged her to a stop. Her house was a few doors down to the right. His tio's was a few to the left. And his brother's was halfway down the block directly in front of them. But they might have been a world apart considering how different each was. "Don't feel guilty Monse. We're all super proud of you. And someday when you are a famous writer, you can take us all on a fancy summer vacation to make it up to us."
"You have a lot of faith in my ability to actually become a writer. What if I abandon you guys and then all I ever do with my life is become a store clerk or something? You gonna be proud of me then?"
"I'm always gonna be amazed by you." She had been looking right past him, down the street toward the old house he had once shared with his brother. But when he said that her gaze met his. He sucked in a breath at the look in her eyes. The corners sparkled with tears. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen Monse cry.
Then she tossed her cloud of hair and snorted. "You guys will have each other. I'll be all by myself."
"You're gonna do great Monse. I know it. And if the people at your camp suck you can just write them into toads and crows and shit. Write me and Jamal and Ruby slaying them all for you and then come home and we can rank on those losers for months."
Her smile nearly blinded him. "Yeah, that's what I'll do." She looked down at their hands, where they were still joined. "You think you'll still want to hold my hand when I get back?"
Hell yes. He wanted to do so much more than that. But first and foremost he didn't want to scare her off. Monse could be …prickly. "Yeah, I'm not ready to let go of it yet."
"Good." Her voice was practically a whisper. "Keep walking me home then. I'm not ready to let go of yours either." The thrill that shot through him was electric. It felt almost like someone else was doing it when he detangled his fingers from hers and then slipped his arm around her shoulders. But there was no mistaking when she slipped her hand into his back pocket, or when she tucked her face into his shoulder with a shy grin.
"OK." She whispered.
When they reached the dark porch of her father's little two bedroom bungalow she didn't slip away. She just led him right up to the door and then fished in her pocket for the key. The door swung inward on silent hinges, the entry way appearing dark and foreboding where it was shielded from the streetlight. She stepped inside without hesitation while he was still conjuring up attackers and monsters in the shadows. And then suddenly he was half yanked into the pitch black front hall that lay between the living room and Monse's room. Their thighs bumped together and he was instantly fighting his reaction. "Monse-"
"Come in with me. I get creeped out when I'm the only one here in the dark." She half pushed, have body slammed him into her room, before finally flicking on a light. Thank God he'd chosen jeans tonight or he'd be embarrassing himself by now. "I know, it's stupid and childish to be afraid of the dark but I guess I am. Once I get the light on and close my door-" She reached behind him and pushed the door panel shut. "-then I'm ok."
His brain was fighting to keep himself from saying something incredibly stupid about keeping her safe in the dark. He had been in her room many times, even at night, but it felt different with just the two of them in the house. He looked anywhere but at her. Her suitcase was set neatly by the closet where half the hangers were now bare. Some of her usual clutter was gone, presumably packed inside.
Cesar hated the thought of her going. What if she really didn't come back? What if camp was so awesome that she asked her father to move wherever this amazing school was. Mr. Finnie would do it too, move for her. He did anything Monse asked for and Cesar understood why. He recalled how excited she'd been when she found out the camp had a scholarship program. The radiant smile and glowing cheeks were hard to resist. Even though they would miss her, the whole fam had pushed her to apply. Cesar tamped down another wave of jealousy but it was hard to stop at least a little slip into longing. It wasn't like he'd ever had a parent who would do so much for him. He talked to his dad a few times a year but he'd never known him. And once their mother had died, Oscar hadn't made them go to the old man's parole hearings anymore. And his mother, she just hadn't had the means. So yeah, he was a little jealous.
Monse hung her purse on the chair in the corner and then stopped right in front of him. "So. What exactly am I doing here if your suitcase is already packed?" His heart pounded as he asked. He'd been waiting for her to give any indication of what she thought of their one kiss for almost two weeks. And now that they were alone again, he hardly had the courage to get the question out there.
"I think we should talk about what happened, uh, well, you know, when we ah, kissed." She ducked her head a little but her eyes never left his face.
Yes we should talk about it, his brain clambered. But his pulse suddenly felt like it was working through heavy oil. What if she told him they were done being friends? Monse was his anchor. Sure, Ruby and Jamal would always be his closest guy friends, his life rafts, but they both had families and people who supported them. Monse understood, at least a little bit better than they did, the smothering fatigue that came with swimming upstream most of the time. She was rock solid. 100%. But panic was also brewing in his gut. One way or another, he was about to find out what she thought about kissing him, and in a way, what she thought about him period. "What about it?" He tried to keep the anxiety out of his voice. If she said she was glad nothing had happened from it he would be done, wrecked. But he would have to keep it together and play it cool. Because Jamal and Ruby would never forgive him if he destroyed the fam with something like this.
Her brows hit the ceiling. "Why haven't we done it again? Was I, like, bad at it? Because I'll have you know that I have had very little practice and I usually do get better at things with practice and-" It was a split second decision fueled by watching Mario and Angelica earlier in the evening. Mario wouldn't have talked it out. He would have kissed it out. So that's what Cesar did. Monse's eyes grew huge as he slipped a hand under her hair and pulled her closer. Her small frame tensed momentarily when he got her so close that their shoulders touched, but the minute his lips captured hers her rigid stature began to bend into him. He closed his eyes and felt as their bodies yielded to one another. He'd been waiting two weeks for this. Two very long weeks of watching her for any sign that she might have wanted another kiss as badly as he did. And it had been torture not to ask Ruby and Jamal if she'd said anything about him. But he'd known that would just make trouble for the little crew so he'd kept quiet.
He couldn't keep quiet now. Monse's hands settled on his shoulders so that her elbows were between them, holding him off a little bit. He ran a hand down her back, pressing tightly, hoping to convince her that she should relax even more. Her fingers kneaded the space between his neck and his shoulder, one small hand slipping beneath his collar leaving a hot brand of her palm against him. He couldn't help it, he groaned into her mouth. He wanted more of that, wanted it with such a heady urgency that he didn't even think before slipping his own hands in the armholes of her ridiculous jumper and wiggling under her sweater.
The skin of her ribs fluttered under his palms and she giggled into his mouth. But she pressed herself more completely into his embrace, tugging at his shirt. And then suddenly she was kissing his neck, his chest, while her hands ran over his skin leaving lightening in their wake. It was delicious and overwhelming, setting off a chorus of alarm bells in his head. This was serious. This was way more than he was prepared for. "Monse?"
She ignored him and kept on touching. In true Monse fashion, she had decided what she wanted and she was not letting anything stop her. "Monse? Stop for a second."
"Don't want to." She stepped back and began slipping the straps of her denim dress down. She shimmied herself out of it while his eyes bugged out of his head.
"You wanted to talk? I'm sorry. I totally subverted that. It's my fault." He dropped to the end of her bed. "We should probably talk now."
She was already half way through tugging her sweater over her head. "Help me!" A muffled plea came from inside the scratchy fabric. She tugged one arm loose of the sleeve. Beautiful planes of soft brown skin were coming into view at an alarming rate. He took in the neon green panties, the tiny flower in the V neck of her undershirt, and the way the fabric was tangled around her. Then he reached out and gripped her hip, directing her closer. The fine texture skin of her triceps gave way to even silkier skin on the underside of her forearm as he slipped his hands up to her wrists and released hers from the cuffs of the sweater. She tossed it aside with a huff and he noticed for the first time that the mass of her hair was nearly as thick as the willowy body she usually hid under loose fitting clothing.
"We really do need to-" He tried to protest again but she was pushing him onto his back and crashing on top of him.
"We don't need to talk. If you're down, I'm down. I just, I uh, I don't want to go away with this feeling that I'm wasting time with you. You know what I mean? I think you know what I mean." She cocked her head, but he wasn't sure she really wanted an answer from him.
How could she expect him to answer while she was sitting on him that way? Heat burned through him where she sat on his thighs and his brain whirled. He hadn't done this before but he had the impression that this wasn't how these things usually went. After all, over the last two weeks he'd constructed an entire plan, in carefully thought out steps from holding hands to kissing to touching and beyond. In typical Monse fashion she blew through his entire staged progression of dates and conversations like an unstoppable force. And who was he to protest? If he went along with it he got to taste the sweet spot under her ear again and mold her soft flesh to the place he ached for her. Only one thought stopped him from joining her in her abandon. He slid one hand up her back, tripping over the delicate straps resting on her shoulder to bring her down closer. "My only condition is that Ruby and Jamal don't have to know, at least not yet. Deal?"
She sighed and dropped her head to his. "It doesn't feel right to keep something from the guys. This is big, you know?" He knew, but at the same time, neither of them dealt well with surprises.
"Monse, you're killing me. Seriously. Do you want to break up the fam? I need you, all three of you, if I am ever going to survive this place. I don't know if I can risk that. Let me warm them up to the idea over the summer. What difference will it make if they find out now or later?"
"So you want it to be a secret? You're no Jamal but do you really think you can not tell them something like this?" Ordinarily he would say yes but there was something that made him want everyone to know that he was the only one who knew what the soft recesses of her mouth tasted like or how she gripped his skin like she was hanging on for dear life or what the heat of her breasts grazing him through the soft fabric of her undershirt while she leaned down to whisper in his ear felt like.
"I can keep a secret when it's for our own, all of our own, good. Remember how I kept my mouth shut about Lenny being at the Quik Stop the night it got hit?"
"Oh yeah? Are you forgetting that you also told Mrs. Guzman that the Quik Stop was an easy target because the guys who broke in only needed a crowbar and a pair of wire clippers as tools?"
"I was 10! And I didn't even know it was supposed to be a secret. This is different." He used both hands to smooth her hair back from her face. Bash swore girls loved it when a guy did that. "Let me kiss you more? I won't tell them now and you can think about how we want to handle it while you are away."
He felt her weight shift, nearly groaned as her hips ground into his. "Yeah, ok, I'd like that. It will be all I'll think about all summer." She bit off a shy smile as she lowered her lips to his and elation surged through him, leaving molten hot desire in its wake.
It was only after, when he was laying in a sleeping bag on Ruby's back patio listening to Ruby and Jamal debate whether girls actually cared what guys wore that reality sunk in. Telling them would ruin everything.
"…I know my lease is up and the bailiff's at the door
And still I'm hanging on to the life we had before
I know this cold love won't lead me to the Lord
Although I'm black and blue I'm begging you for more
It's getting harder to breathe
Chainsmoking your love
Can't be good for my sanity
Can't be good for my lungs
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love
Chainsmoking your love…"
-Chainsmoking, Jacob Banks
