Author's note: So here is the second part of my weird story. I hope this will clarify anything you might have found confusing in the first part. Enjoy!
Of cookies and sticks
From Obi-Wan's point of view
Qui-Gon entered his quarters. And he staggered out backwards again. An overwhelming stench was coming from the kitchen area.
Taking a deep breath out in the hallway, he tried once again to enter.
In the kitchen, he found his Padawan who seemed to be preparing some kind of dough. And there was also the source of that horrible odour. Not the Padawan but the contents of the mixing bowl that was standing on the kitchen counter.
"Padawan, what is this? What is this… smell? It's revolting!" Qui-Gon asked breathlessly. It was almost impossible to breathe due to the overpowering stench.
"Well, I am certainly not doing this for fun, Master. This is for an assignment." Obi-Wan answered. He was taking shallow breaths, as shallow as was at all possible without fainting from lack of oxygen.
Qui-Gon walked over and peeked into the mixing bowl.
"I had no idea that there were assignments with the topic 'Create a concoction of the most disgusting and smelly things you can possibly think of'. Which class is it for? Is there a class that teaches about the most repulsive things that can be found in the Galaxy? If there is, why do I only hear about it now?" Qui-Gon teased.
"Master, this is not funny, so please stop making fun of me. This really is for an assignment… well rather for a kind of test. And this is bad enough as it is, without your comments. So if you are not going to help me, then please leave me to suffer through this alone." Obi-Wan informed his Master, slightly annoyed at the task the Council had set him.
Well, most of the Council, but that didn't mean he didn't have to obey. Of course they had not asked the Padawan to prepare the most horrible bakery possible. Rather they had asked him to bring them a dangerous weapon, a weapon that had hurt more Jedi than almost anything else. It was a perilous device of torture and feared all throughout the Jedi Order, even by the Council. Well, most of the Council, anyway. And they had asked him to retrieve it, as a kind of test for the Padawan. Every Padawan was tested now and then, but Obi-Wan thought it was more than a little unfair to always hand him the impossible tasks.
Now he had to get that dangerous weapon from someone who had been guarding it for a very long time, and a lot of people had already failed in taking it from this guardian. So Obi-Wan had wracked his brains for the last few days to think of a way to get this item. And at last, he had found a way: in a dusty corner of the archives, he had found a recipe for these vile cookies he was preparing at the moment. And they were exactly what Obi-Wan needed to accomplish this task. He had been assigned the task of separating Master Yoda from his infernal walking stick.
At first, he had had a hard time getting all the ingredients. Some of them were rather easy to come by, like flour, sugar, pepper, soap and mustard. It had taken some time spent it the more seedy districts and most of Obi-Wan's money to get the spices mentioned in the recipe, some of them barely on the proper side of legality, and he would probably have gotten into serious trouble if his Master had found them in his room. And he had to dig through half of the Temple's gardens to find the worms that had to be homogenized and were a vital part for the unique flavour, at least according to the recipe. And some of the ingredients simply could not be had on Coruscant. Like a huge amount of Degobah swamp water. Obi-Wan couldn't imagine anyone would be interested in exporting the murky and stale water of Degobah, much less anyone wanting to buy it. And as he didn't plan to travel to Degobah just to get some of its stinking water, he had to use the best substitute he could come up with: He simply got a bucketful of the most muddy water from the most crowded fish pond in the Temple. It would have to do, even if the 'flavour' would be suffering from this poor replacement.
And Obi-Wan thought that it would be a complete waste of perfectly good vanilla if he added it to this greenish mass that he had secretly named 'the Cookie Dough of Evil', but as the recipe was quite persistent that the vanilla was vital to the flavour of these cookies, he just shrugged and added it, anyway.
Qui-Gon sighed, but not too deeply as he didn't want to suffocate from the stench.
"Well, as it is already too late and our quarters already stink like a pile of rotten eggs that have been decaying in the sun for some time and are currently uninhabitable, I will leave now and not return until you have decontaminated them. Have a nice time cleaning up the kitchen."
And with a last look at the mess that used to be the kitchen, he left, heading for somewhere with more fresh air.
And with that, Obi-Wan went back to work.
He made small mounds of the vile mass on a tray and put them in the oven.
Then, he took a look around. The kitchen was a mess, indeed. The next one and a half hours, Obi-Wan was busy getting the kitchen squeaky clean again. At least that diluted the smell somewhat, though it was still rather bad.
Some time later, everything was ready. Obi-Wan was standing in the middle of the kitchen, a small grin on his face. He was prepared.
Right at that moment, someone rang the bell. Obi-Wan went to answer the door and when he looked down, he saw Master Yoda standing at the door.
Plastering a standard-issue Jedi polite smile on his face, Obi-Wan first bowed to Master Yoda and then he knelt down so than Master Yoda didn't have to unhinge his neck trying to talk to his face.
In way of greeting the green Master, he said: "Master Yoda! I didn't expect you. Did you want to talk to Master Qui-Gon? If so, then I'll have to disappoint you, he has gone out some time ago." Of course Obi-Wan knew that in this case Qui-Gon had not invited Yoda, in fact he knew very well why Yoda was now standing at his door, eagerly sniffing the air. But naturally he couldn't tell that to Master Yoda if he wanted his plan to work.
So, to appear more convincing, he added just loud enough for the small green alien to hear it: "I sure hope that he hasn't invited you over and then forgotten all about it again."
And although Qui-Gon had not done so this time, it was not unusual for Qui-Gon to invite people over and then leave because he had forgotten all about it, leaving his Padawan to deal with the visitors.
As expected, Yoda's answer was: "No, invited, I was not. And come to see Qui-Gon, I have not. If defied I want to be, order him before the Council, I will."
Then, he said nothing more, just stood there and said "Hmmm…" every now and then.
Obi-Wan guessed that the best way to accomplish his task was to invite Yoda in. So he asked: "Please, Master Yoda, come in. Would you like some tea?" Being polite could never be wrong, even if his Master sometimes taught him differently where the Council was concerned.
He had not even finished saying that when Yoda whisked past him into the kitchen, still breathing in as much as he possibly could. Obi-Wan couldn't understand how this little creature could stand the stench still wafting from the oven. Now as the cookies were almost finished they had lost some of their slimy, gooey quality but did definitely not smell any better then before. And they still were the sickening colour of old vomit.
Obi-Wan had a hard time keeping the look of utter disgust off his face. But fortunately, he could rely on his Jedi training to keep a straight face.
Yoda had clearly swallowed the bait. He was completely focused on the nauseating smell of these cookies, at least as much as Obi-Wan could tell. Now was the time to close the trap.
He had to get these 'Cookies of Evil' out of the oven.
To keep up the pretence, he asked Yoda's permission to do so: "Excuse me, please, Master Yoda, but if you don't mind, I have to get the cookies out of the oven."
Distractedly, Yoda waved him off: "No, no, not at all, mind I do."
Out of the corners of his eyes, Obi-Wan studied Yoda. The Jedi Master's eyes were practically glued to the pile of cookies Obi-Wan was arranging on a plate. His eyes had taken on an empty, faraway look. A strange, low sound could be heard coming from him.
After a few moments of patiently waiting for Yoda to get a grip, Obi-Wan slowly got worried. Yoda was still standing there, muttering to himself, rocking back and forth.
"Master Yoda?" Obi-Wan asked.
The green alien didn't react in the slightest.
"Master Yoda? Master Yoda?" Obi-Wan gripped Yoda's shoulders, shaking him back to reality.
"Master Yoda? Are you all right? Master Yoda? Please answer me! Are you ill? Do you want me to call the Healers?" Obi-Wan asked, concerned.
"Yes, all right, I am." Yoda was finally answering. Obi-Wan was relieved that Yoda hadn't got one of his seizures right then.
That was when Yoda suddenly asked: "Where is Anakin?"
Obi-Wan was bewildered. In his opinion, the question made no sense at all. Maybe a better question would have been "Who is Anakin?" but Obi-Wan could not even have answered that one. Maybe Yoda was lost in the future again. Obi-Wan gave him a very concerned look. He decided that it was time to put some of the wisdom Qui-Gon always spouted to him to good use.
"Are you sure you are all right? No insane feeling in your head? Because you just gave me ample reason to seriously doubt your sanity. I mean, first you are simply standing there ignoring reality, and then you ask the strangest things. Maybe you should "focus on the moment", as Qui-Gon usually tells me to do. That might even actually help in your case…"
Only Yoda was not focusing on the moment but rather on the cookies again. Still, that was better then being lost in possible futures, Obi-Wan figured.
"Nice cookies, you have made. Smell delicious, they do. Do I detect a sprinkle of vanilla? Give me some, you should!"
Everything was going according to plan. Obi-Wan was glad that Yoda had recovered so quickly and he didn't even have to wave these disgusting cookies around, Yoda had been asking for them all on his own.
He continued according to plan: "But Master Yoda, they already belong to someone else. Someone who might not be exactly delighted if I simply gave them away."
And that was the truth, at least from a certain point of view. Surely Yoda would not be pleased if Obi-Wan gave the cookies away, but the Padawan was almost as certain that Yoda wouldn't mind if he received them.
Of course, Yoda objected: "Member of the Council, I am. Obey my orders, you must, because still a Padawan, you are. To no one else, these cookies you must give. Want them, I do."
But as an emerging negotiator, Obi-Wan wouldn't budge until he got an offer that was acceptable. So he bargained some more: "Master Yoda, I promised! Aren't Jedi supposed to always keep their promises?"
And that also was not a lie, as Obi-Wan had made an effort to avoid any outright lies when he constructed his plan. In fact, he had promised these cookies to Yoda, who of course didn't know about it. Otherwise the plan obviously wouldn't have worked.
Yoda instantly tried to convince him of his opinion, which unsurprisingly was that he should get the cookies.
"But need these cookies, I do. Crave them, I do. Give you something in return, I will, so that prove, you can, that to me, you gave the cookies. No one will be angry at you if know, they do, that give the cookies to me, you did."
And that was what Obi-Wan had been hoping for all along. This was heading into just the right direction. So he said:
"Oh, that's a brilliant idea. I think that the person I promised the cookies to wouldn't mind if I gave them to you. The person we are talking about rather likes you, you know. But what would you give me that would prove beyond a doubt that you received these cookies?"
Because he seriously doubted that Yoda would mind if he gave the cookies to Yoda.
"My lightsaber, I could give you." Yoda offered at once.
Obi-Wan was shocked. A lightsaber is a Jedi's life! NO ONE simply gave it away. Obi-Wan wondered if there were some highly addictive ingredients in these cookies, or if the smell was somehow affecting Yoda's mind. Then again, it was Yoda's mind we are talking about, and that had probably been lost some fife hundred years ago.
And besides, it was not what Obi-Wan wanted.
So he started to say: "No, I couldn't take your lightsaber-"
Yoda didn't even let him finish. So he offered what Obi-Wan had been waiting for all along:
"My walking stick, then?"
It took him one moment to take control of the triumphant smile that was threatening to show on his face. And to think that Master Windu had placed a huge bet on Yoda keeping his stick. Mace was in for a serious surprise!
After having regained control of his face, he answered: "That might work. After all, your walking stick is quite unique and rather well-known."
And with that, he suddenly had said walking stick in his hands and witnessed what most people in the Galaxy never had the opportunity to see: Yoda was actually jumping on the table, grabbed the plate of cookies and ran out the door shouting a hurried thank-you; undoubtedly going somewhere he would not be disturbed while devouring the evil smelling bakery.
Obi-Wan simply stood there and stared. Then he looked down at the stick in his hands. He had pulled it off! He almost couldn't believe that he had succeeded in this impossible task.
And with that thought, a brilliant smile started to spread on his face.
Some time later…
Obi-Wan was walking down the hallway. He was heading towards the Council Chamber to bring Yoda's walking stick to Mace, wearing a pleased smile on his face. He had actually succeeded in the seemingly impossible task the Council save Yoda had assigned him. And he had done it rather well, in his opinion. Yoda had never even noticed his true intentions. And he had done all that without truly lying, he had only told the truth from a certain point of view.
True, he had had to endure the nauseating stench caused by these obnoxious cookies. And he had spent almost two hours cleaning the kitchen afterwards. But his success had proven his unconventional methods right.
As Obi-Wan rounded a corner, he almost ran into his friends Bant und Garen. Reeft was off-planet right now.
They were smiling at him.
Bant said: "Oh, hi Obi-Wan! How… gah, you stink!"
And Garen added: "Yeah, you smell like the rear end of a rancor. When was the last time you took a shower?"
Obi-Wan answered: "Just about five minutes ago. It was the third one today, actually. And I used up all the soap we still had. The smell of these disgusting cookies just doesn't want to go away. It still lingers in our kitchen, as well. And you should have smelled it when-"
He was interrupted by Bant's shout as she saw what Obi-Wan was carrying.
"Is that what I think it is?" she asked incredulously.
Now, Garen also noticed the item in Obi-Wan's hand. "Wow, is that Master Yoda's infamous stick? How did you get that?"
Both of them stared at the stick disbelievingly. Yoda never let that thing get out of his hand, much less out of his sight.
"Well, I… I struck a bargain with him. And now I have to bring that stick to the Council. I will tell you about all that later!" And with that, Obi-Wan hurried off again.
In the Council Chamber, Mace stared incredulously at the young Padawan standing in front of him. Obi-Wan had just handed him the stick that Yoda not only used as a walking stick, but also used to hit and poke virtually everyone, including his fellow Councillors. And many Jedi feared and despised that stick. And now, it was there, in Mace's hands. He still couldn't believe it.
"Padawan, you have successfully completed the assignment we have given you. Congratulations! Some day, you'll have to tell me how you did that. But now, we will have to discuss in secrecy what we will do about that stick. As this is an internal matter, you will have to leave. But you have all our admiration for the feat you accomplished."
"Yes, Master Windu. Thank you." Obi-Wan answered.
And when everyone had said "May the Force be with you", Obi-Wan left.
Now, he wanted to find his friends again and tell them all about this afternoon…
Just as Obi-Wan exited the Council Chamber, a loud wail could be heard that clearly came from Yoda's favourite mediation garden.
Apparently, Yoda now remembered why he had stopped eating these cookies: They smelled like heaven (at least to him), but they tasted like hell.
Only two minutes later, Yoda stormed into the Council Chambers, in his hand a new stick that was in every way exactly identical to the one Mace had hidden behind his back just in time. As if on cue, every member of the Council groaned in exasperation. Apparently, it had all been in vain. It seemed that Yoda had an endless supply of identical walking sticks hidden away all through the Temple…
Author's note: You can expect at least another chapter for this story that will tell how Anakin managed when he was given the same assignment.
Reviews, please?
