Severus Snape had spent the last three months in a dazed stupor. A lot had happened since that May night at Hogwarts; Voldemort took the Ministry of Magic, Muggle-borns were in the process of registering their blood statuses for a 'National Survey', and despite sitting catatonic at the last few Death Eater meetings, Snape had been named the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. All good news, ostensibly. Snape should be walking on air.

Yet he was still miserable.

He walked over to Dumbledore's pensieve and replayed his memory of that night for the thousandth time. This time, he forced himself to watch as Potter fell limp to the cobbles of the courtyard, a look of exhausted resignation on his face. With a gasp, he pulled his face up, his eyes streaked with tears.

He tried his eyes just as Lucius Malfoy barged into his office. "Where the hell is Yaxley?"

Snape turned, his well-crafted poker face restored. "How should I know, Lucius? I'm not his bloody nanny."

"You sent him out to find Dolohov, and now they're both missing."

Snape frowned. "What was Dolohov doing, again?"

"Merlin, you've forgotten? He was sent to kidnap Karkaroff."

"Perhaps Karkaroff put up more of a fight than we'd expected."

"You're overestimating that coward." Lucius leaned over the desk.

"Then what do you suppose is taking them so long?"

"Oo! Oo! I know! Teacher pick me!"

Lucius swiveled his head around the room, his gaze finally landing on a wooden box on the desk beside Snape's elbow. "Is that…?"

Snape groaned and pulled his wand. "Obliviate." Lucius went crosseyed and fell out of his chair into a dribbling mess on the floor. Snape got up and locked the office door. After dragging Malfoy onto the sofa and tucking him in, he walked over to the box and opened it.

A head stared up at Snape and grinned. Snape grabbed it by the hair and pulled it out so they were at eye level. "Hiya, Sev. Long time, no see. It's been ages since you've let me out. Did you get a haircut? Sorry, I'm a little giddy. After we last spoke, you put me away upside down, and all the blood rushed to my head."

"Shut up, demon. You almost blew my cover, again!"

"I take pride in trying to get you killed." Snape drop kicked the head across the room. It bounced off the wall and rolled back to a rest at Snape's feet. "Ok, ow."

"If only I could kill you," Snape muttered.

"What's got you all grumpy, Severus?" Vassago smirked. "Oh, you've been at the Pensieve again. Which memory was it this time that got you all weepy? Are you still stewing in your broth of self-loathing and misery? It's gotta be a potent stew by this point. Careful, your masquara's gonna start running."

"Enough, what do you know about Yaxley and Dolohov?"

"I know what happened to them. It's actually a funny story."

Snape picked up the head and plopped it onto the desk. "Tell me."

"Squid pro ro, Severus. What's in it for me?"

"I'll give you a cigarette," Snape said, pulling a pack of Marlboros from his robe and dangling it over the box.

"A tempting offer," Vassago replied, his eyes mesmerized by the soft-pack. "Ok, fine. Brace yourself."

"Wha-"


Yaxley stumbled through the door. He was quite drunk, Dolohov having treated him to a fifth of firewhiskey on the way to the safehouse. Dolohov stepped in and locked the door behind him. "Where is he?" Yaxley asked, stumbling slightly.

"He's downstairs."

"Alive?"

Dolohov gestured to the floor and put a finger to his lips. In the silence, they could barely make out the sound of screams. "Yep, still kicking. That's a little in-joke: I sawed his legs off about an hour ago."

"Did you get anything out of him?"

"Mostly blood, among other fluids. We can get to that in a bit. Sit down," Dolohov gestured to a black leather sofa covered in a plastic sheet. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Double this time," Yaxley said, half falling onto the sofa. "Make it quick, I've got a reservation at the Dorsea in an hour."

"Sure, sure." Dolohov fixed the man a drink. "How about some music to lighten the mood. You like the Hobgoblins?"

Yaxley took the drink and shrugged. "I guess."

"Their early work was a bit too avant-garde for my taste," Dolohov began as he cha-cha'd over to the stereo and picked up a CD. "But when Exploding Snap! came out in '92, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. They've been compared to the Wyrd Sisters, but I think Stubby Boardman has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.

"Uh, Dolohov? Why are there copies of the Prophet all over the place?" Yaxley gestured to the floor, spilling half his drink. "You gotta dog or something?"

"No, Corban."

"Are you wearing a raincoat?"

"Yes, Corban." He moonwalked over to the stereo and put the CD in and pressed play, turning the volume up very loud. He noticed his hand was beginning to bubble, and grimaced as his face began to reconfigure. "The Quibbler started a rumor famously that Stubby Boardman was actually Sirius Black in disguise." He moonwalked back behind the sofa and grabbed a fireax from against the wall. "Which is ridiculous but ironic, because last year it was revealed that the real Sirius Black had died in the Ministry of Magic and had been replaced by a demon, a demon who I fucking trusted and who left me to die. My fucking best friend killed me. Do you know how that feels?" Yaxley shook his head. "Well lucky you, you're about to find out." 'Dolohov' raised the axe over his head. "HEY, CORBAN!"

Corban turned and screamed, dropping his glass so he could shield himself. Needless to say, it was not an effective defense. Harry kept swinging, his face, the floor and the walls splattered with an entire horror-movie budget's worth of gore. "TRY GETTING TO THAT RESERVATION NOW, YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!"

Satisfied, he threw the axe across the room and collapsed on the sofa, digging in his pocket for a pack of cigarettes. He found them to be soaked in blood, and tossed them onto the floor beside the corpse. "Fucking assholes."

The bathroom door opened, and an old man stuck his head out. "Fuck, Potter. You didn't have to go all psycho on him."

"It was worth it," Harry muttered. "As long as someone gets the reference, it was worth it."

Aberforth walked over to the stereo and ejected the CD. "Never much of a Hobgoblins fan," he muttered. He sorted through the CDs until he found one he liked. "Hey, Potter, you like Huey Lewis & the News?"

"...Not really."

"Oh."


Snape fall back against his desk, his face flushed. "He's alive!"

"Yep."

"Also, go easy with the jump cuts next time."

"Sorry."


Here we are, another chapter.

I have retooled the first chapter. Just watched Good Omens. Loved the book, loved the show, so I thought I'd try incorporating those ineffable husbands into my piece. Should make it fun. There will be more crossovers added, sorta making a 'Vassago's Extended Universe' or something. Johannes Cabal, the necromancer, has been removed from chapter one, but he may return.