Chapter Two – Oh captain, my captain.
Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or anything that you recognise from any other film, book, whatever.
It all started on a typical British afternoon. Raining, pouring and nonetheless it was soaking. I sighed as I walked out of school with the rest of the girls who also attend. Many running so their precious hair and makeup were not ruined. I bid them a silent good luck as they sprinted like jack rabbits through the weather. But I walked at my own pace, I was soaking anyway so what was really the point? My whole uniform was drenched; my long hair had stuck to my face annoyingly like rat's tails. Behind me were a group of couples surprisingly finding it easy to snog and walk at the same time. I felt like shouting one of my famous comments at them but decided not to as they crossed the road. It was all too quick, I heard a scream, turning around puzzled, I heard a squeak of brakes and everything went black.
Confused as to where I was, I opened my eyes surprised to see clouds quickly floating pass my head. Looking down, I noticed that I was falling into what looked like a forest. Before I could open my mouth to scream, I landed roughly on to a branch of a tree. I sighed a breath of relief, but before I could even look around, the branch cracked above me and I ended up plundering down to the unknown. Finally, I landed on something but it wasn't the forest floor.
"What in the name of Durin?" I heard the lump I had landed on hiss. Whoever this Durin was, he wasn't my problem. Hastily, I pushed myself off, landing with a thump on to the actual forest floor. Opening my eyes, I noticed that I was fine, I had lived!
"I'm alive," I whispered in disbelief, hugging myself. "Yeah baby! No one can beat the Grinch!" I shouted standing up. To add to the affect, I ran around the lump who was on a pony. Sneakily, I added in a small gangnam style dance but the pony didn't look too pleased. "Sorry." I said to it stopping. Looking at the lump, I noticed it was rather small and hairy. Reaching up, I parted its hair to reveal a very angry looking male face. I waved as he shook his hair, rather majestically, away from his face. Great, I was in a staring competition with a small man and his pony, yeah because that seems fair. "Um...sorry for falling and kind of sitting on you. It's not a great hobby of mine but considering your rather irritated expression, I guess I'm rather good at it?" I asked hopefully, rubbing the back of my head with a hand. I don't know why I did, but when men are shy in films they do that and they seem to look more attractive.
IAI (Ivy's add in). – I was rubbing my neck, the man wasn't. That would have been a bit special.
The short man frowned and jumper rather graciously, I must admit, off his noble steed. As he sized me up, I realised he was actually taller than me, a ca awkward.
"What is your name she-dwarf?" He said, his hair moved as he spoke. Wait DWARF?! Soon I found myself lying on the floor rather hysterically banging it with my fist. The man didn't find it very funny. Oh well.
"Dwarf?" I spluttered me a dwarf? "Sorry sir, but if I'm a dwarf, well...you're no snow white!" I said rubbing invisible tears from my eyes. The man kept staring at me as I remained lying on the floor. While regaining composure, I noticed how odd I had looked and stood up. Goodness gracious.
"What is your name?" He repeated taking a step towards me; his hand was holding the top of his sword. I looked at it in alarm and put up my hands.
"Ivy Jennings, we come in peace!" I said trying my best to imitate an alien, resulting in my sounding like I was high on helium. The man furrowed his eyebrows before releasing his hand from the sword.
"Where are you from?" Wow, lots of questions, this isn't who wants to be a millionaire is it? Because Dan went on that and failed on the first round thing, so proud of him. The man cleared his throat impatiently, wow so much for letting go of the sword.
"England, seventeen years old, apparently now a dwarf, probably happy if I could choose, I might be dead, not entirely sure yet, definite Gryffindor, not much of a Slytherin and Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff are useless anyway." I blurted out desperately. He frowned then looked me up and down. Creep.
"What are you wearing?" Oh another question. To be honest, he wasn't exactly on the catwalk himself, rude. I looked down and realised I was still wearing my school uniform. Alarmingly, my jumper and blouse had grown and now finished past my knees. My skirt, I admit, was rolled up a bit was past my feet making it impossible for them to be seen. Speaking of which, my shoes were too big for me, no wonder I was lying on the ground. Silly me.
"They've grown!" I said in disbelief. He turned around and started walking to his mean pony. Okay bye then.
"Or you've shrunk." He stated. "Come, I know someone who may know what's happened to you." I furrowed my eyebrows, if he wanted to ask me out he could have just said and anyway he looked a bit old. He looked up, now seated rather majestically. "There will be food." With that, I bolted jumping on to the pony like there was no tomorrow. Ignoring the fact that I was on the back of a horse who hated me, if horse can hate people and sat behind a man who's obviously on his time of the month.
"Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed." I sang bored out my mind. It had been only about ten minutes and Thorin had already told me off for doing 'something wrong'.
That was his name, Thorin Oakenshield; I mean what an amazing name! I asked if could call him Thor but he didn't seem too pleased. Then again, he didn't seem very pleased when I started explaining to him the avengers. He was a dwarf, like me, fate brought us together I believe. He said he was going to this Shire place for a party. Glad I hopped on. Something to do with a dragon and gold but I'll be honest, being the sheer Robin Hood I was, I didn't think about rolling in any gold at all, go me. He was indeed very hairy, longer hair than I had and a long beard too that reminded me of a badger. I must say though, his brows needed a good plucking. They were everywhere. Anyway, I explained my life to him but he didn't seem very interested so I stopped and started singing instead. This perked our adventure up.
"Milady Ivy, would you please stop singing or sing a different song? You've been singing the same words for the last ten minutes." He said interrupting my vocal warm up. It sounded as though his was gritting his teeth, probably not. I thought of a song, cleared my voice and started.
"I see trees of green, red roses too. I see em bloom, for me and for you. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!" I tried my best to imitate Louis Armstrong's voice but apparently Thorin said that I sounded like a strangled Orc, what a beautiful sound. There I said in silence, poking Thor every now and again which for some reason seemed to annoy him even more. "I bet!" I poked him again. "You couldn't even compliment me if you tried." I said glaring at his stupid badger hair.
"Really?" He replied. I nodded not too sure if he could see me. He exhaled as though this was one of the hardest things to do in life, it really wasn't.
"Despite, you're drowning fish singing and remarkably annoying personality; you are rather a beautiful dwarf." He said through gritted teeth.
"Aww shucks! Really?" I said in reply, patting him on his shoulder.
"No." He said, well that was nice. A ruined moment between two companions, we were like badgerman and she-dwarf, saving lives to go and party in the Shire, yeah.
"Thor, are we there yet?" I moaned into his back. The stress of sitting there doing nothing was affecting me and besides my ass was very sore. Thorin sighed for was it the sixth time in a minute? Maybe, who knows?
"No." He said bluntly. God he was a moody man...dwarf. I moaned and closed my eyes against his badger fur.
"Thooooor?" I asked, my voice muzzled through his back.
"What?" Take a chill pill. I leaned up and started stroking his hair. "Stop it." He said, though I ignored him, his hair was so interested.
"Have you knitted badger fur into your hair?" I asked think of plaiting it. What about a messy bun? He would look so cool and indie, he does need a bit of a makeover. It must have taken him a while to readjust because he did this weird sort of twitchy dance before answering. (Note to self: Ask for lessons on twitchy dance).
"No?" He barked as though it was the most obvious answer in the world. Well you never, known he could have had baby badgers living in his hair. I could feed them and play with them but no, he had to be all mainstream and be like 'no I do not have badgers in my hair'. Frustrated, I started stroking my little pony, ignoring its little noises it made, it obviously liked it. Maybe not, it flicked its tail so it whipped my back which I must say rather hurt.
"Stupid pony with his stupid dwarf man." I muttered now really bored. Though in the distance, there was a small light through the trees. "Oh captain, my captain." I stood up, saluting, wow look at me standing up while riding a horse, I am so joining the circus. Apparently, it wasn't very impressive as I was told to sit down and shut up. Charming.
When we had made it through the forest, me shaking with excitement; we were presented with the cutest little town ever! It looked like something from sylvanian families, not that I knew what that was. Anyway, there were little homes in the crowd, a little pub, but no little people. I felt like Dorothy half expected all the munchkins to come out and sing me a song about killing a witch. Nope, that didn't happen. We got lost, thanks to Thor, who blamed me so I blamed my little pony. Apparently we are looking for a door with a mark on it. Growling, like a wild badger, Thor stopped his pony and looked at the map he had. We were meant to be there by now, who cares? I just wanted to party. Looking around wildly, in need of some bottom comfort, I spotted a door right in front of us with a funny mark on it. Tapping Thor, I pointed at the door before his sighed (again) and directed my little pony to the door. Look at me being a genius.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I am glad we can appreciate a good sense of humour together.
