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reminisce

/ˌrɛmɪˈnɪs/

verb

gerund or present participle: reminiscing

indulge in enjoyable recollection of past events. "they reminisced about their summers abroad"

synonyms:

remember (with pleasure), cast one's mind back to, think back to, look back on, be nostalgic about, hark back to, recall, recollect, reflect on, call to mind, review;

exchange memories, take a trip down memory lane, indulge in reminiscence.

•••

She sleeps on her chest, calm breathing. Her hand is placed on his shoulder, he's sitting on bed, holding her closer to his body; allowing her to rest in there for a while longer. It's still early.

The facts from last night repeat once again.

She's wearing his sweater, the same sweater she took off from him last night. Should she feel bad about this? Awkward? Another mistake committed?

Addison's phone starts buzzing on top of her nightstand. She opens her eyes quickly, being totally woken up by the sound of it. She unfolds herself away from Derek's embrace and grabs her phone, checking who's calling.

She feels hot, so she takes the sweater off, not caring if the man next to her is watching.

"Ah, um... Addison Montgomery, who's this?" Her sleepy voice answers the phone. "Oh, Nae... sorry. I didn't- I just woke up."

Derek looks at Addison, her red curls all messy and that naked back, the view of her smooth skin. He loved this; waking up next to that breathtaking redhead woman and being able to caress her skin, kiss her lips, look into her eyes and mumble pretty sentences that did have a meaning for him. There was a extreme he was willing to take, because he did wanted that, he wanted her, and not just for fun.

Having her back was a goal. Not a game or competition against the douche Donovan or the small crush Mark used to have on her.

"Nae, I know you have enough space for me... but I like cutting, bleedings, I like shocking cases..." she sighs, sitting back more comfortably, resting her head on his shoulder and grabbing the covers so she could be able to cover her breasts. "Seattle is my new home. Rainy, ugly, kinda old fashioned, but I like it here. I got a woman with two uteruses! Two!"

Derek chuckles a little at her excitement and moves some hair away from her face.

"I'm not staying because of him, or anyone." Derek looks confused, he cannot hear Naomi on the other side of the phone, but can guess the conversation is about him or... Mark. Everything was always about Mark, wasn't it?

"He's done with me, I'm done with him. Mark and I were just... something that didn't have to happen but it happened. Like in those old movies when the woman appears with a white cat and the next take is a gray cat."

"Which movie is that?" He whispers on her ear.

She covers the phone and raises an eyebrow at him, "Shh, shut up." She then comes back on talking to her best friend at med school.

"Stop trying to convince me, I went over there to see you, see what you were up to, a little vacation and for some help from you... things don't go as planned." She gets closer to Derek, enjoying the warm his body radiated her. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her a little closer. "Alright Nae, talk to you later."

Addison ends the call and leaves the phone on the nightstand again, then she takes place back on resting her head on his chest and running patterns on his chest with her hand. She groans, tired.

"Last night was... fun." She says, reality hitting her hard. She did it again.

Derek nods and caresses her bare back, "It was."

"Derek, what are we doing?" She looks up to his ocean eyes and perfect smile.

He looks into her eyes and wishes he wouldn't feel this way. "We are failing our mistresses", not only them, but also themselves. Creating mutual illusions about a romance that already died, no hope for it to revive.

She bits her lip, "We aren't committing sins, aren't we? We said until death do us apart, we're keeping our word."

"Yeah, this is... legal." They both chuckle a little, their laugh making them shake a little, make them get closer.

She sighs after an awkward silence, "We can't keep doing this, you know that? We're supposed to be a mature divorced couple, move on." She moves some hairs out of her face and grabs his hand, squeezing it gently, "I should look around for some other guy... or i could turn into a lesbian."

He doesn't stop the contact of his hands against her body, there's no reason why he would stop to make her feel special. "Addison..." he giggles shortly and quickly, something soft and short.

"I mean, maybe it's funnier with another girl." She looks down to the union of their hands.

Another awkward silence, was mostly a little free time he used to find the exact words to express himself, "I like this."

"What do you mean? You like the idea of me and another woman having sex?" She laughs, but then stops when his face is serious at the comment.

He shakes his head a little, "What? No."

"Then What is it?" She looks curiously into his eyes, he feels like he's been cursed. Those eyes have some kind of sparkle or light that gives him even more desire of kissing her and embracing her again.

"Nothing." He shuts up and kisses the top of her head, stroking her hand with his thumb, meanwhile they are still holding hands.

She squeezes his hand gently again, she knows this feels right, she knows she wants him back. She will always want him back, or at least will leave an empty spot inside of her heart, only for him.

"You're getting used to this, aren't you?" She asks, looking up to him again, her head comfortable on his warm chest, with that protective arm covering, and his strong hand holding hers.

For a moment they both could feel complete and don't feel sorry or uncomfortable in any way. It was her. It was him. It was them... Addison and Derek. Derek and Addison.

"Addie..." he doesn't want to answer that, he doesn't want this small affair to end this fast. He was enjoying having her next to his body every night, almost like they never got divorced and Mark and Meredith were totally deleted from any kind of map.

She wishes she wouldn't have realized this, "You're getting used to break up sex!" She unfolds her hand from his quick enough, giving him a little and playful hit on the wrist.

"Ouch. Is that even a thing?" He asks, giggling at her cute annoyed but funny face.

"It is now, so yes." She nods.

It's scary to realize you can fall in love more than twice for the same person and still come back after your heart has been broken too many times. It's like a drug.

She tries to resist herself, but screw It. Right? She kisses him passionately and enjoys it. Not regretting it after their lips break apart and they can gasp for air.

"Um... I should..." She gets off of his embrace, grabbing her robe, "you should be leaving by now." She got out of bed and wore her robe, "Our shifts start in a couple of hours." She looks back to Derek, who looks a little disappointed.

"I can stay." He offers a smile, "Help you wash your back... or give you a massage under the water like I used to." He winks at her. She bits her lip and leans on again, pecking his lips, stroking his cheek.

"Exactly, used to." She now walks to the walk in closet her suite had. "This isn't New York anymore, there's not a ring to blame. You're free to go." She says from far away.

Derek sighs and gets out of bed, starts recollecting his clothes.

A part of hers says: stop falling in love with him, you'll end up like the cheater again! Or he will! But there's another part that says: fall into his arms and complain about letting him go.

He dresses up quick enough, and scapes the hotel room meanwhile his redhead ex wife (now lover) was showering. He closes the door behind his back.

"Hey!" Derek jumps, scared at the familiar voice.

The black haired and smart orthopedic surgeon seems to know the situation this time, "Why were you inside of Montgomery's room?" She smiles casually.

"Callie. Hey." He greets first, hoping there's no lipstick on his shirt or any hickey from Addison. Maybe his hair was too messy?

Callie moves her head a little to the side and frowns at him, "I was right about you two, right?" She asks playfully, winking an eye at him, with a big smile.

"Ah? No." He shakes his head. "I mean, yeah, I came by to drop her phone." He explains the situation in a most understanding way.

"You had it?" Calliope Torres is confused and every hint takes her to her very first argument: an affair.

"No, I found it at Joe's last night." He lies. He was a pro at this lately, he could just lie about a thousand things and act naturally. No pressure.

She nods, "Oh, I see. Where are you going now?"

She seems nice, Callie... but it's a hard rock and a difficult place to walk in, judging by the fact that she suspected something between Addison and Derek was happening. He didn't want it to spoil, his new adventure with Addison, which is why he preferred to ignore these kind of situations.

"Back to my place, I forgot something there." He says.

"Oh okay, see you at work, Doctor Shepherd."

•••

The day goes busy for both surgeons, which didn't give anyone of them any time to stalk each other besides Addison's consult. He gave her sweet looks and smirks throughout the day, she tried not to reply to those, but her melting heart and inevitable confusion and happiness were radiating through her pores.

Callie and Addison sit on a table far away from the entry of Joe's bar. Addison knows Derek is getting out late and she needs a drink, probably two. She needs to clear her mind, or just vent about it with Callie, who seemed to enjoy the whole Shepherd mess.

"I mean, Derek and I... God, I wish I could be ready for something like that." Addison shakes her head and takes a sip of her red wine. Tonight she needed a different poison, martinis could get too classic on her.

The orthopedic surgeon gives the redhead a look, "What are you talking about? You guys were married." Callie chuckles and keeps on twirling her hair on her finger.

"That's why. It's awkward." Addison says, sighing. "We ended everything and now we're feeling like getting back together? I mean, I don't even know what he feels for me." She shares her issues right away in the need of someone that could listen to her and advice her.

"By the way he still thinks I don't truly know about you guys and I love to bother him around." Both women laugh at that, "He's pretty good lying." Callie takes a sip of her beer and focuses back on the current subject and conversation.

"What if I fall in love again, I confess all my dysfunctional feelings and he doesn't feel the same way?" She looks down a little defeated, holding the glass up from the table.

Callie rolls her eyes, both, Addison and Derek were falling for each other slowly, and everyone could see that from miles away, "Addison, maybe he lies about you and him because he wants this to last?" Callie tries to find a way to convince her Derek wants her back, because she knows they were meant to be. Even Mark knew it and tried to deny it when there was an opportunity.

"Okay, on who's side are you? Me or him?" Addison looks into Callie's eyes, showing a serious look and a small smirk on her red lips.

"None. I mean, yours, of course." Callie nods, "I'm just saying that he might be falling for you too." Torres wanted her friend happy, and she was too afraid her heart might get broken again, but giving it a chance wasn't going to be that bad; after all they knew each other for almost sixteen years.

"I know that man since forever, Callie. Forever. I can't seem to read him now, I've lost my gift." Addison takes another sip of her red wine and moves some hairs out of her face, looking down again. Her mind spinning and spinning, not knowing what is the right or not right thing to do.

Callie sighs, knowing the next question she'll ask won't help, "Is the sex good tho?"

Both Addison and Calliope laugh at that for a couple of minutes.

She shakes her head and inhales sharply, adding a short and soft giggle, remembering all of their fun times in the most rare places, "I'm not going to discuss with you about the sex me and my ex husband have. I mean, had."

There's a small awkward silence, "Yeah, had." She mumbles to herself, disappointment on herself, knowing she has screw up everything. Everything she really cared about. Him.

"You never share details, selfish." Callie tries to cheer her up a little.

She tilts her head a little, barely. "I would but that would lead me to getting inside of her trailer tonight and I have to stop this strange addiction." She says out loud, more wine to herself. She's considering on ordering the bottle if it's needed.

Callie shakes her head, a little tired of Addison's denial when it comes to Derek feeling the same for her, "You should just say it."

"What?" She asks confused, taking another sip of the red poison she has chosen for tonight.

"Derek: I am in love with you, now kiss me." Callie imitates her with a five year old kinda voice.

"Shut up!" Addison laughs, but stops immediately. "I can't do that. I'm pretty sure he's still depressed that the little intern has hung up on him." She says, now looking at her hand, where her ring was supposed to be.

Sometimes she wishes she hadn't throw them away, the mark on her finger is still noticeable and she hopes it would just fade away before her mind keeps on playing old movies inside of her head.

It's like her own cinema, the movie plays and plays, and you can play it whenever you want, it's just one of those beautiful fairytales but it doesn't have a happy ending.

"If it was like you say, then why is Derek staring at you the whole day and tries to ignore Meredith?" Callie snaps at her, "I've had enough with them not paying attention to me, now Meredith has her own interns to take care of."

"True, they aren't silly kids anymore." Addison rolls her eyes, "Now... now they are teenagers, hopeful their mom's won't get them grounded during summer break." They both giggle a little.

"Wait, wait... then what am i? I'm not an attending yet." Callie points out. Addison nods, trying to find a way to reply to that in a proper way.

"You're what I like to call... an almost adult kinda kid." She laughs.

Callie takes another sip of her beer and looks into the redhead sad eyes, "We should get drunk together more often." The orthopedic surgeon crosses her arms over her chest and sits in a much more comfortable way.

"Yes we should, actually that's all we should do." Addison suggests, "Drink together, so we both ignore our whatever they are."

"Our whatever they are? I don't have anyone." Callie tries to deny it.

Addison shakes her head and laughs, "Um, Mark. I am some kind of infectious virus to Mark, so he won't come anywhere near, and Derek is panicked of you finding out about our romance."

Callie sighs, "We are such losers."

"I know." Addison looks down to her finger again and rubs the mark that her rings had left.

She thought everything would last for a lifetime, long one. They were going to be happy and cherish each other during their worse and best times. That was what they have had promised each other. Is still a disappointment how they broke all of those promises, all of those wishes and dreams. She was guilty because of all of that: Their end.

Both women think for a moment; life is rough. Why finding a perfect match was so difficult? They could just be happy and cheerful everyday, risk things, live a little, be extreme... but there was always someone standing in that doorway, not letting them leave the room.

Callie sighs again, "We have the possibility of getting laid and we prefer to be together in a bad crying out our sex interests." The black haired woman say.

"We really are losers." Addison says, now taking her hand to her neck, where her necklace was. It was a necklace that had a letter F.

Derek had gave her that necklace after their fourth date, she remembers it perfectly. Derek will always argue it was their third date, but Addison knew it was the fourth, maybe Derek had trouble on knowing exactly which one of their dates was because he was always lost into her eyes and her soft voice, her cute stories, her beautiful heart.

The F meant "flourishing".

For Derek, Addison was a flower. A strong, wise and beautiful flower that was flourishing slowly.

•••

Sixteen years ago...

He opened a red box, letting Addison see a necklace, it was nothing sparkly or even expensive, but for her for some reason it felt like the most valuable jewel ever.

"Use this, the F means Flourishing. I... I've realized you're different. Different to any other women." He smiles at her and takes the necklace out of the box, slowly. "You're passionate about helping others, you're compassionate. When I first met you, you were a closed book and I couldn't even try to open you, because it felt like I was opening a pandora box, I didn't know what was inside... until I did open the book, and the pages left me shook."

She places a hand on her chest and smiles brightly at the man of her dreams, the only human being she could be herself around of, "Derek... I... woah, I'm..." She was speechless, filled by happiness and magic.

He shakes his head slightly and smiles at her, too. "I'm not finished yet. You don't hide yourself, you bloom in front of me and you enjoy sharing it. You're allowing me to flourish along with you." He said, sweetly, looking into that big pale blue greenish eyes she had. Those eyes that changed throughout the seasons of the year, some seasons a little bit much more greenish, some seasons totally blue ocean.

"It's just a material piece, just a reminder for both of us." His free hand strokes her cheek, "I'll look at it every morning after waking up with you, and every night before going to bed, every time after fights, after fun moments, during festivities... and all of that." He could be a cheesy man, a softie. "But the actual reminder is inside of my heart, always beating for you, Addie." His blue ocean eyes that made her cry, cry of joy.

Back then Addison Montgomery was a naive young girl that thought she could do something big for the world, change something, maybe someone. Addison always thought she was one day going to be able to show the world her sparkle.

Instead she found him, the world where she got to show her sparkle, to flourish. A world that meant everything for her, where smiles were always allowed, and love was just one of the most obligatory things, along with passion, trust and loyalty.

So sad some of the rules got broken.

•••

Present...

Addison sighs, reminding herself she's not miserable enough, because one of the sad facts of life has been remembered now, "Wanna hear something funny?" She sighs again, she wishes she could drown in wine.

"Alright, What is it?" Callie asks casually. She noticed Addison's shaky voice and low tone, realizing her friend had turned serious.

"I'm dry." She says, doing a gesture with her hand. As soon as Callie doesn't catch the news, Addison tries again, "I'm totally infertile, nothing. No life down there." Now she's more understandable.

"What?" Her friends is shook at what she just said, "You're sure?" She asks concerned, seeing how Addison's sad eyes got a little sparkly, probably she's holding some tears that she doesn't want to show.

She nods, "I am."

"That's not really funny..." Callie says, friendly.

Addison shakes her head, "Nope." She agrees with Callie, and allows Callie to grab her hand and give it a gentle squeeze.

"Ugh, I owe Patricia twenty bucks because of this confession of yours, you know that, right?" Callie rolls her eyes.

"What?" Addison chuckles a little. Callie could cheer her up easily, and she needed a dosis of happiness right now, at least a smile.

"We made a bet... it doesn't matter." Callie unfolds her hand from Addison's. "I'm sorry Addison, I didn't know you wanted one after what you told me." She refers to the week.

"Yeah well, I first want a baby, my husband isn't ready and then I don't want a baby but I cheat and I get pregnant and I abort and then when I really want one... but this happens." Addison says, telling her bad luck to the closest friendship she had in Seattle besides Richard, but she wasn't going to go vent to the chief of surgery, for sure.

Callie shows her sorrow by giving Addison a sad smile, "I'm so so sorry."

"It's fine, I mean, I'm an obstetrician who cannot have any babies, it's actually fun." She laughs sarcastically, looking down for another second, holding the tears that wanted to get out.

Callie considers on kicking her under the table, but maybe that was just too much, "Hey, don't say that."

"No, I mean, a girl left her newborn child in a trash can at her High school," she remembers one of the recent cases she was working in, "... irresponsible people get pregnant by accident, Adele Webber had her chance, but me? Those things don't happen to me." She shakes her head in defeat. All she ever wanted was gone. Derek, her chance to be a mother... her hope was getting lost.

"You could adopt, you know? Or find an egg donor..." Callie tries on seeing the redhead look a little more sparkliest.

"No, no." She sighs and shakes her head, taking a sip of her wine and looking into Callie's eyes, "I wanted, well, want a biological child, Callie. The dream is over. Over just like me and Derek. Over. Totally dead." She hates herself for saying that, considering she was starting to have strong feelings for that neurosurgeon.

"Keep your hopes up, Montgomery." Callie encourages.

"I feel like a rose that has died and can't flourish, not anymore."

She doesn't want everything to be done, over or dead. A part of her keeps on telling her she should try, change something. Come back to the land where she belongs and stay there. Show her sparkle to her world and... flourish one more time.

There's a hope to make it revive.

The rose will survive.

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