A/N: There are a couple things that I want to clarify before anyone reads this chapter. There are two flashbacks in this chapter, the first one, which is 5 years ago is just purely for background, and the second flashback with is 2 years ago in which Donatello is remembering the past. I put the memory in italics, hoping to keep it from getting to confusing because the story makes a transition right after.
Also, in the 5 year flashback, Raph and Don would have been around 14 years old, and in the 2 year flashback/memory they would have been 17.
Part 2 – Feel the Pain
Donatello
I waited patiently with cold legs resting on top of mine. I looked sideways at Raphael, his hollow eyes staring back at me unmoving. Accusing me of something I couldn't quite put my finger on. For quite some time, I found myself staring back at him. I leaned closer to his face as I examined his eyes. I had never gotten the chance to study them in the past, now I found myself wondering what message he wanted to convey to me with the accusations.
My breath hitched slightly as I realized I had never noticed how beautiful his eyes were. I looked closely into the depths and I saw the tiniest flecks of gold hidden in the sea of dark brown. Maybe that is why his eyes always appeared as though they were flashing when something sparked at his fiery, passionate soul. However, the lights overhead now reflecting in them reinforced the flatness they now held, giving them the bright, hard empty look of a porcelain doll.
I suddenly realized why he was glaring at me. He died saving my life, and I couldn't help him. I let him die, and I let the person who shot him down escape. In fact he wouldn't have left April's apartment in the first place if I hadn't made him angry from my own stupid, pointless avoidance of him. It was my entirely my fault, and that realization brought a sharp, stabbing pain to my heart.
Something clicked in my mind as I realized that there was something I could do to bring peace to my fallen brother. I could hunt down the one who did this to him, and avenge him.
I turned away hoping to ignore the empty stare, but it didn't work. I could feel my heart beginning to pound, my pulse quickened, and soon I found myself struggling to breathe steady. Once again I leaned across Raphael and gently tilted his head in a different direction, letting my fingers linger on his skin momentarily.
My breath caught in my throat at his coldness. Fire and energy was extinguished. Icy cold.
I sat in silence for awhile when I heard the unmistakable sounds of the front door opening. I almost threw up at that moment. My head began to throb and dread filled my entire soul.
The laughter of my two brothers filled the lair along with the tapping sound of my father's walking stick. I tried to get to my feet, but I felt as though I suddenly gained two hundred pounds, the weight was crushing down on me. I was as frozen solid and still as Raphael.
"Hey Donnie" Michelangelo greeted as he walked around to the front of the sofa. "Jeez what's up with you? You look awful dude."
My mouth opened, but no words came out. He didn't realize that Raphael way lying dead on the sofa not more than 5 feet away from him.
"Mikey…" I whispered.
"Hey move your fat shell over" Michelangelo said as he lightly nudged Raphael.
"Oh god Mikey no" I whispered again as I began to shake violently.
"Michelangelo stop it!" I hollered when he ignored me.
Michelangelo jumped back in surprise and stared at me as the tears began to spill down my face once again. I leaned forward and griped my head as I began rocking myself back and forth.
"Donnie?" he asked quietly.
"He…he" I took a shaky breath "He's dead Mike"
When no reply came, I forced myself to look at Michelangelo. At first he looked confused as to what was happening. In almost morbid fascination, I watched as Michelangelo went through the steps of the realization a loved one had been taken away from him. He eyes widened as the pieces started to fall into place. The colour almost seemed to drain from his skin as his bottom lip began to tremble. Then it came, a wail of agony so painful, so terrified and alone, it was inhuman. I watched helplessly as Michelangelo dropped to his knees and fell face forward into his hands.
"Mikey!" Leonardo called rushing to the aid of his brother, followed by Sensei. "What's wrong?"
Michelangelo pushed Leonardo's grip off of his shoulders and pointed a shaking finger at Raphael.
"Dead" was the whispered reply that came from his mouth.
I watched, helplessly detached through my fogged vision as the horror of the situation had its full impact on Leonardo and Master Splinter.
The pounding in my ears grew loud making it difficult to hear what was being said. I watched quietly with cold legs still resting on mine as Leonardo quickly went to work checking Raphael's vitals in a vain attempt to grasp some understanding of the situation around him.
"Was shot" I mumbled as I pulled down on the blanket, exposing the bloody mess on his side that contrasted almost beautifully with his emerald skin.
Leonardo cried out in pain, as it dawned on him what had happened. In a fit of rage that was so unlike his usual unbreakably calm exterior, he turned to the coffee table and flipped it sending it crashing into the wall where it shattered into splinters. In a flash he was out of my line of sight, but through the pounding in my ears, I could hear the utter rage and sorrow my brother was experiencing as he began trashing everything in sight in a manner not unlike how Raphael would have reacted.
Master Splinter fell silently to one knee beside the form of his deceased son. I watched my father break for the first time in my life as the tears of sorrow and anger dampened the fur around his large dark eyes. With his twisted arthritic hand he reached forward and in a gentle touch filled with love and tenderness, he lightly caressed Raphael's cheek. As if in slow motion, I continued to watch as Master Splinter carefully leaned in, his fallen tears forming rivers on Raphael's arms and chest, and whispered gently into his ear, imparting his final words of encouragement, love and wisdom.
Fresh tears sprung to my eyes burning hotly as they rapidly spilled down my face. I turned away unable to watch the heart wrenching scene of my father saying his final goodbye any longer.
My light-hearted brother was now curled up on the floor in the fetal position, as sobs racked his trembling body. I wanted to comfort him, but I didn't know how. I wanted to say something to take away the hurt, but I didn't know what. So there I sat uselessly, as my family came crumbling down, as our happy home was shattered and fate had its own way. We were now merely puppets on strings, and all our training and weapons were useless against the invisible puppet master.
After that everything was a blur. Shapes moved about, background noises reached my ears, but only translated as the irritating buzz of white noise. I hadn't noticed that Raphael had apparently been moved, and was now gone, until I broke out of the trance. I looked around and my silent brother was no longer lying beside me with his cold weight pressing down on me. I couldn't help but think how weird it was that he was moved without my noticing.
I looked around and found that I was sitting in the room alone. Dull light spilled out from under Master Splinter's door, but for the most part, the lair was dark. Somehow I found the strength inside to pull myself up. I walked past his room hearing the muffled sobs of Michelangelo and Casey as April spoke lowly with Master Splinter. I wondered when Casey and April had arrived. I paused momentarily wondering if I should go in and thank them for coming; however I had no interest in trying to engage in any sort of conversation, so I dragged myself towards my room.
On the way, I stopped up as I looked into the makeshift infirmary we had set up to treat injury's we sustained from battles. On the cold steel table we had salvaged from the dump last year, Raphael had been carefully laid on his back, with pillows propped under his legs and head to compensate for the roundness of his shell. He was stripped of his gear, mask and weapons, leaving him essentially naked and vulnerable looking.
On a small wooden table beside him, the weak light from an old lamp at the end of its life, bathed Raphael in its warm glow. Strangely, it almost made him seem healthy and angelic like, even with the mutilated hole in his side, now crusted in dry blood. It was absurd to think of my masculine, hot-headed brother as looking angelic. The thought of him ever hearing me say something like that almost drove me into hysterical laughter.
I gripped the doorway to keep myself steady for a moment. Taking a deep breath, I let go, and inched forward, all the while keeping my eyes locked on Raphael. As I reached my destination, I waited hopeful, with my breath caught in my throat, for Raphael to turn his head and speak to me. When nothing came, I reached over to flick the treacherous lamp off, not wanting to be fooled any longer into thinking he was going to be okay. Without the light, he didn't look angelic anymore. In the few hours since his death, his skin had turned almost ashen, and his dark eyes, specked in gold, almost seemed to be sinking lower into his head.
I lowered my head to rest on the hard chest plates of his plastron, trying to take some comfort in my brother. With fresh tears dropping onto my brother's chest, I took the opportunity to trace along the ridges of old battle scars Raphael had obtained over the years. We all had some, but Raphael was covered in them. It was a testament to his willingness to always throw himself into the heart of every battle. The scars were difficult to notice unless you got close enough to see them. In the past I always had to force myself to resist the urge to touch the healed bits of skin, but now I let my hands roam freely in an almost sickening sort of glee, making note of each one, trying to remember what scars had resulted from which fights.
I was suddenly struck with the incredible urge to confess the truth to him. I wanted him to know everything. How I had fallen in love with him, why I pushed him away and how sorry I was for hurting him. I bit down on my tongue though. It wasn't the right time or place. I resolved to myself that I would tell him at the farmhouse under his favourite weeping willow tree, where he would go to his final resting place.
I picked myself up, and leaned forward to press a gentle kiss on Raphael's forehead. I turned and walked out of the room and went into my own and collapsed onto my bed in utter exhaustion. I had no idea what time it was now. Possibly early in the morning, but I didn't care. I just wanted to fall asleep and wake up to find that this had all been a horrible dream and in the morning, Raphael would be in his room, stubbornly clinging to his bed in protest of getting up for morning practice.
I knew that would never happen though. Our team would never be able to function properly again, that is if it would ever gain the ability to function at all. I didn't really care anymore. It was all meaningless now. All the teachings we learned from childhood meant nothing. My scientific experiments and research I devoted myself to would go untouched until I could bring the peace to my brother that I swore on my honour I would give him.
I curled into myself, shivering, but not from the coldness of the lair. As I closed my eyes, I prayed for sleep that I knew wouldn't come.
*5 Years Earlier*
Raphael
Nervously, I picked at the red leather bindings wrapped delicately around the handles of the new set of sai Master Splinter had given me for Christmas. I paced around my room wondering if I should risk asking Donnie to come with me topside. These past few weeks he seemed almost mad at me. All of the sudden it was as if he had decided I wasn't good enough to hang out with anymore. What had I done to make him so mad at me? I teased him sometimes about his experiments, and a while back, I did accidentally break his computer monitor.
Taking a deep breath, I moved out of my room towards his and knocked on his door, angry at myself for the sudden nervousness I felt creeping up into my belly.
"Yo Donnie what's up?" I said forcing myself to sound as casual as possible.
He opened the door and frowned slightly, and dropped his gaze so he wasn't quite meeting my eyes. "What is it Raph?" he asked flatly.
I felt my stomach drop.
"I was just wonderin' if you wanted to come with me outside for awhile? You know, just blow off some steam or somethin'."
"Raph" Donatello said "I told you I would be busy today, I'm trying to make those cellular phones for us"
I wrinkled my nose and rolled my eyes "Don't be stupid Donnie, you need to get out once in awhile. You can't keep yourself locked up in this lab all the time, it ain't good for ya."
"Not right now Raph, I don't have time." Don said impatiently as he tried to close the door on me.
I put my foot out to immediately stop the door. He wasn't getting rid of me that easy. "Come on brainiac" I said teasingly "you're comin' with me"
I grabbed at his arm and tried to pull him out of his room when he yanked back hard at glared at me.
"I said no Raphael!" Don snapped at me. "Would you please get lost and stop bothering me? I have more important things to worry about than going on one of your silly little runs!"
I stood frozen solid as I watched Donnie turned on me and slam his bedroom door in my face. His words of anger still rung in my ears and burned me on the inside. Sadness and anger threatened to overwhelm me as I turned and stormed out of the lair and deep into the sewers.
Once I was far enough away, and knew I was alone, I hunched down onto the ground and let the tears fall from my eyes as I resolved to never be a bother to Donatello again.
*Present day*
Donatello
In a dull haze, I stared at the red numbers on my clock, watching as each minute ticked by, much too fast for my liking. I laid there wondering if I should bother to get out of bed or not. I assumed the others were probably up by now. I couldn't sleep a wink last night, and by the sounds of everyone else moving about the lair last night, neither could they.
I climbed out of bed, not bothering to put on my gear or bo staff and walked out of my room towards the infirmary where Raphael was. I felt myself involuntarily slow down as I approached the open door. I didn't want to look in; I much preferred to think that Raph was in his room, or hogging the last of the cereal for breakfast. I didn't want to be reminded of what had happened.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I peered around the corner to find Raphael, still lying on the hard table, only now he was draped in a blanket. I gazed at him for a moment, lost in thought when the sound of a throat clearing made me jump.
"Sensei?" I asked quietly as I finally took notice of my father sitting on a rickety old chair in the darkened corner.
"Did you sleep well Donatello?" He asked me in a detached monotone voice. I could tell he didn't really care if I slept well or not, but was asking only out of habit.
"No" I answered, hoping he didn't want to talk further.
"After breakfast, I would like for you to tell us everything that happened last night." It wasn't so much as a request as it was him telling me I was to open up to him whether I was ready to or not.
I nodded my head, too tired to answer, too tired to care. Instead I turned my gaze from my hardened father to my dead brother before I turned away. I walked past the living room where Casey and April were curled up together asleep on the sofa, and into the kitchen where my two brothers dwelled.
I sat down across from Leonardo, and I noticed how he looked as though he had aged 10 years over night. Normally this would have shocked me; however I realized I probably looked the same.
Michelangelo stood at the sink with his back turned to us. I could tell by the way his shoulders were trembling he was fighting back tears. I turned away and stared at my hands, but out of my peripheral vision, I could see him moving towards the cupboard where he retrieved a glass and stood back in front of the sink.
He turned on the tap, filling the silence with the unnaturally loud sound of water rushing out and beating relentlessly against the metal sink, causing me to wince slightly.
After a moment, he joined Leo and I at the table. I blinked as I realized Michelangelo was staring at me with a hard, strange look in his eyes. I looked back at him in question, not really knowing if I should say anything.
Finally he looked away, and took a drink of his water.
"Have you seen Sensei?" Leonardo finally asked, the first to break the silence that hung in the air, like a thick cloud waiting to choke the life out of us all.
"Uh yeah, he was sitting in the infirmary a few minutes ago."
He said nothing more. Instead, the moments stretched into a quiet eternity and none of us cared if we ever spoke again.
It wasn't until several minutes later when Casey and April emerged into the kitchen, followed by Splinter.
April glanced around looking as though she didn't know what to do at the moment, so she moved over the refrigerator and opened it, searching for some food to prepare. "Okay guys" She said a forced lightness in her voice that was an odd contrast to her puffy red eyes. "What would you like to eat for breakfast?"
When no one bothered to answer her, she sighed sadly, and dug out a pack of bacon and eggs to fry up, with Casey giving her a hand.
Once we had all eaten what little food we could keep down, I felt a nervous clench in my stomach, as I knew that I was expected relieve the experience and tell everyone what had happened. No one spoke, but it was obvious by the small looks I was getting, that I was expected to speak.
I took a deep breath to help myself relax, and began to tell my family the whole story, leaving out the reason why he had left in the first place. I didn't want them asking questions about why he was angry at me, which was something I was unwilling to discuss with anyone.
After I finished talking, the silence continued to hang in the air as if I had never spoken, yet no one, not even Casey or April, looked me in the eye. Did they expect me to say more? Did they blame me, as I blamed myself, for letting Raph die?
Michelangelo broke the silence when he pushed his chair back, with a loud scrape that caused me to jump a little. I watched as he picked up his plate, with food barely touched and set it into the sink with a clatter.
"You let him get away" Michelangelo quietly whispered without turning to face his family.
I stared at the back of my brother's head wondering if I had heard him right.
"Why did you let him get away Donatello?" Mike asked a little louder, cold bitterness seeping into his voice.
I was slightly surprised to hear my light-hearted brother address me by my full name. It was on the rare occasion he called me that, however this was the first time I'd ever heard him say my name as if it there was something disgusting in his mouth.
Cold dread wrenched at my insides. I knew this was coming, I knew that Mike was the only one who would voice the opinion the others were to afraid to speak. I couldn't bring myself to answer him. Not that I didn't want to, but rather because I had nothing to say. I didn't want to sound as if was defending myself because I didn't feel as though I deserved that.
Michelangelo spun around and stalked towards me. He grabbed me by my shoulders and stared into my face. "Why? Why did this happen? Why didn't you stop the guy? He should be dead for doing this to Raph!" he cried, his eyes wild with hurt and confusion.
"Mike!" Leonardo snapped, jumping to his feet and pulling Michelangelo off of me.
Michelangelo stumbled back, and genuinely looked confused. He blinked as he looked back up at me. "I'm sorry Donnie" he whispered.
I didn't know what to say, so instead I got to my feet and grasped him in my arms giving him the hug I knew that he needed as much as I did. Mike instantly relaxed against me in a shuddered sigh, and I savoured his warmth, letting it fill the coldness that gripped at my heart.
"I'm sorry too" I whispered in his ear, low enough that he was the only one who would be able to hear me.
I turned my heard slightly and saw Leonardo leaning against the counter a couple of feet away from us. His eyes were cast downward, and his arms were folded against his plastron. I reached out and tugged gently at his arm. He glanced up at me, yet not quite meeting my gaze. His eyes were so full of loneliness and failure. I pulled him forward into Mike and I, and grasped onto him as well. It felt wonderful, as it had been the first time since our world had been turned upside down, that we took comfort in each other. For a moment, it felt like we did have the tiniest hope of healing someday.
After we broke apart, I looked up to see both Casey and April, teary eyed and gripping onto one another in support, while Master Splinter remained seated, looking at the three of us with something more tender in his gaze than I had seen over the cold hardness that had recently settled onto his features.
"My sons, Miss. O'Neil, Mr. Jones" I have something which I had never hoped I would have to discuss with any of you, but now the time has come." He squeezed his eyes shut, and tightly gripped at the top of his cane.
"Master Splinter?" Leonardo asked somewhat timidly.
"Please sit down my sons. There is an urgent matter which we must attend to."
Slowly, I pulled up a chair and sat without my eyes leaving the pained expression on my father's face.
"We must burn Raphael's body, and we will do it this afternoon." Splinter stated firmly, making it clear that there would be no room for compromise on this issue.
My eyes widened in shock, and there was a new tension that hung in the air. "But Master Splinter" I said breaking the silence "We could bury him at the farm house. Out back there's an old tree he use to like taking naps under in the summer. We could bury him there"
Master Splinter shook his head sadly. "I am sorry my son, but we cannot"
"Why not?" Leonardo shouted, surprising everyone with the outburst. I had never heard my brother speak like that against Master Splinter in my life. "Don's right, it's what he would have wanted"
Splinter's ears flattened against his skull, and something close to anger flashed in his eyes. "Leonardo!" he barked "Calm yourself!"
Leonardo looked as though he was on the verge of snapping something back at Master Splinter, but then he bit at his bottom lip, and quieted himself.
We all turned back to face Master Splinter, waiting for some kind of explanation.
"My sons" he said gently "I have known for some time that if something were to happen to any of us, we could not risk burial. We cannot take the chance that a wild animal may dig up any of our bodies, and risk our exposure to the world."
I felt as if someone threw a pail of cold water over my head. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"But Master Splinter" Michelangelo spoke up "Couldn't we just stay at the farm house for awhile and keep an eye on him, you know, just until he decomposes or whatever."
Master Splinter shook his head. "No my son, I am afraid that the best we can do, is to go back to our daily routine as soon as possible"
"Better for who?" Leonardo said quietly, once again shocking us with his new found defiance. Was he somehow channelling Raphael? "Better for you, or for us?"
"Leonardo, I understand that you are upset, however, I have lived a lot longer than you, and I have thought long and hard on what would be for the best" Master Splinter replied calmly, though there was a hard edge look of warning in his eyes.
"It's so nice that you let us in on what you've decided is 'for the best'!" Leonardo hissed before storming out of the room.
If I hadn't been so shocked at Leonardo's actions, it's possible that I may have stormed out of the room as well, seeing as how I was in complete agreement with my normally obedient brother.
"Leonardo come back here at once!" Master Splinter shouted at his retreating form. He turned back to the rest of us, his eyes flashing dangerously, warning us not to push him further.
When Leo didn't respond, Master Splinter got up and followed him out of the room, leaving the rest of us to process what had just happened.
*2 Years Earlier*
We ran as fast as we could away from Bishop's base, area 51, as the building was on the verge of an explosion. I felt my legs give out under me, and I fell to the ground. I was still incredibly weak from the genetic mutation that I had undergone, and I couldn't find the strength to pull myself back to my feet.
"Donnie!" Raphael cried as he ran back to help me. He pulled me to my feet, and wrapped my arm around his neck. He put a supportive arm around the back of my shell, and took on most of my weight as he ran as fast as he could out of the building.
Once we were safe in the helicopter, Raphael gently set me down in one of the chairs, and released me. A hot burning sensation remained in all of the places his skin had been touching mine, and I was deeply craving more of his contact.
I moaned inwardly to myself as I realized that not even the shock of putting my system through a severe mutational alteration was enough to quench my desires, even for a few moments. Shell…
The rest of the ride home mostly consisted of Mikey talking a mile a minute. He asked questions and told me all about how I tried to eat his leg, effectively making me feel worse, along with Leonardo's assurances that everything would be fine, Leatherhead giving me details on the mutagen cure they had come up with, and Master Splinter forcing me to try and meditate for relaxation. The only one who remained silent, and wouldn't look me in the eye was Raphael, who was sticking unusually close to my side.
After we arrived home, everyone went to bed after making sure I was well fed, and comfortably tucked into bed. I knew that the next couple of weeks were going to be hard on me, and not from my recovery, but rather than the unwanted attention I would be sure to receive.
I waited until everyone had gone to bed before I ventured out into the lair. I didn't have anywhere in particular I wanted to go, but my mind was too restless to sleep at the moment, so I just opted to wander around.
I stood beside the sofa, contemplating on watching some television when a voice behind me startled me.
"Uh Donnie, shouldn't you be in bed?"
I jumped as I turned to see Raphael standing right behind me. Sometimes it was annoying living in a house full of ninjas.
"My mind is too worked up to sleep right now" I admitted. "Thought I'd watch some TV for awhile."
Raphael didn't respond, in fact he looked down right upset.
"Hey do you want watch something with me?" I asked cheerfully. "I could use the company and we could always raid Mikey's DVD collection. I think he has some of those old Samurai movies that we loved so much as kids"
Raphael suddenly moved forward so fast I barely had time to register what was happening. He swept me into a powerful hug, which admittedly cut off my air supply a little bit, but I didn't care. What had my heart leaping with utter joy was the fact the Raphael was hanging onto me for dear life, and didn't appear to want to let go any time soon.
"Shell Donnie" he whispered in my ear "We almost lost you…I almost lost you"
And that's when I felt it, a few hot wet tears spilt onto my neck where Raphael had his face buried. My heart wrenched in sadness as all the emotions I had bottled up came pouring out, along with a few hot tears fell and mingled with Raphael's.
For the first time in years, I felt as though it was possible for things to go back to normal and the wall that I had built between Raphael and I would finally crumble down.
Finally he let go and tried his damndest to look tough, and not like he'd just broke down and shed a few tears.
I gave him light, friendly punch on the arm "What do you want to watch hot head?" I teased.
Raphael looked slightly surprised at the remark. It had been a long time since I'd talked to him in a teasing way. "As long as it's not one of your geek films I'm up for anything brainiac" he retorted with a smirk.
"Geek films?" I replied in mock surprise "I just don't want to watch one of your shell for brains, corny western…"
The fire licked Raphael's flesh, scorching his body, consuming, lighting, burning. Bile rose in my throat as I fought not to throw up. Why had I insisted on being here? Master Splinter and April said that they would burn the body alone, and we could all wait back at the lair. In fact they had tried everything in their power to get me to stay at home, but I literally fought them off to the point where Master Splinter had sadly agreed to let me tag along.
His skin turned from emerald green to black, his eyes wide, raging and shinning, with his mouth opened in a silent scream. The fire rose higher, blanketing him in a cocoon wild heat. The smell of burning flesh pieced my senses, causing me to fall to my knees and empty the contents of my stomach. I vaguely felt the hands of Master Splinter and April touching my skin and my shell, and somewhere in the back of my head I could hear their voices speaking to me. It was all nonsensical gibberish. All I knew was that I had enough and I needed to get out of there immediately.
I fumbled my way along the sewers, finding my way home by instinct more than anything else. My brothers and Casey were seated in the living room and tried to talk to me, but I shook my head, emotions spinning wildly as I stumbled my way down the hall and into the bathroom. I didn't bother to shut the door, as I kneeled in front of the sink where I splashed cold water onto my face hoping to wash the stench of off of my skin.
Those images would be permanently engraved into my brain and why? Why had I insisted on being there? Did I do that out of guilt? Was it a punishment for myself?
I took a deep breath and stood up. I caught my own eye in the mirror and stared at my dull reflection. I did look like Leo, like I had aged 10 years over night. In fact I didn't even recognize the face staring back at me with wild eyes, and pasty skin. I closed my eyes tightly and then opened them again, hoping to see my normal face staring back. Instead my heart came to a stop in my chest as I spied the briefest flash of emerald and red scurry across the hallway.
