Disclaimer: Not today.
A/N: You guys rock! That is all. Took forever to reply to all those reviews but it was worth every second. Seriously awesome.
It was a good idea. Being here, coming home, standing in his living room but she doesn't really know what to do now. She needs to tell him things, apologize, make him understand. There's so much to say and yet, no words escape. Her mouth stays shut, eyes set on his as he just stares at her. It's as if he isn't sure she's real, like she's about to disappear. Just a mirage his mind is creating. She knows how he feels because she's still not entirely sure this isn't a dream of some sort - a way for her mind to rip her heart out of her chest.
She wants to go to him, wrap her arms around him, just do something. But she doesn't. It's not right. They need to talk and she needs to tell him about the fact that he's helped create a life within her. She needs to speak, just open her mouth.
Her teeth bite into her lip instead, her tongue soothes over it and she watches his gaze drop to follow the movement. He gulps, shakes his head as if that will help him think clearly. It's when he makes a sound in the back of his throat, something between a growl of frustration and a whimper of despair that she breaks. She doesn't care that a tear leaks from the corner of her eye or that she's standing here awkwardly holding onto the handle of her suitcase as if it's a lifeline. As if it will help her through this.
"I never should've left." Her voice cracks, gets his attention, and she carries on. She needs to get this out. "I just thought we should be further - more in this relationship instead of coasting along. I thought it would be a good idea to advance my career, open up opportunities but god, Rick, I didn't mean without you."
"That's the way you made it seem." Her stomach rolls uncomfortably at the tone of his voice. Broken hearted, completely raw.
"It's my life, my choice, and I'm choosing to be here. To give up a great job because it doesn't mean anything to me. You do." She nudges closer, just a shuffle of her feet across his floor but it's something.
"It hurt, to know you would...I just didn't understand. I didn't want to think of you leaving and our relationship ending and I'm not proud of the way I reacted." The sincerity in him is practically pouring out. She can see it. Bright. Clear.
"I didn't react too well either. I guess I just hoped you'd be happy for me, support me because it's an honor to even be considered for -"
"I know. And I am proud, Kate. How many times have I told you that you're extraordinary?" She almost smiles but it's not the right time. Instead she takes another step. Works on closing the Grand Canyon sized emotional gap between them.
"I miss you."
"I'm still angry." She knows that. She does and she knows it's not going to be an overnight fix. Not after something like this. It's been a month. A month of not working it out. A month of ignoring it, ignoring each other. It's been hell. And she doesn't want to pretend things are okay now. She absolutely wants his honesty because if they stick a band-aid on this and call it good it will come back later and mess everything up.
She doesn't want that. She wants to work for it, hash through this the hard way if that's what it takes to get it right. He's the one to inch closer this time and she's pretty sure he isn't even aware of the fact that he's taking two steps toward her. His hand rubs over the back of his neck as he stops a foot away and his eyes dart to the couch.
She knows what he's thinking, what he doesn't say. She leaves her suitcase and follows as he leads them over to sit down. This isn't the kind of conversation you have while standing. It could take hours. No, it will take hours, days, weeks of figuring things out. And he still doesn't have a clue about the baby. It seems unreal, something in a dream or a movie to even think about. A baby. There's a baby. Oh wow, she's carrying a child. Castle's baby.
It sucks the air out of her lungs as she drops suddenly onto the cushion. She hasn't given it much thought but it full-on smacks her in the face right now. She was only thinking of him and fixing everything. The distant thought of pregnancy loomed but now it's front and center. She stares down at her hands, twists her fingers together in her lap. She doesn't want him thinking she only came back because she found out she's pregnant with his kid. That will only make things worse so she needs to figure out a way to say exactly what she's feeling, why she's here.
This has never been a strong point for her. She sucks at it. She just sucks at relationships in general. She always says the wrong thing, makes the wrong move - rather literal in this case. And to be honest, she's still angry too. She just loves him enough to mold it into something else. To try to understand what's going on.
How did everything get so fucked up? She remembers a year ago. Battling her demons, slaying them until she was ready to take a leap. She didn't look before she jumped, didn't care if she fell a thousand feet because all she wanted was him. It feels like yesterday and yet, it feels like it was so long ago. Now they're here. Struggling for words on opposite ends of the couch because of mistakes made, promises broken. And she's pregnant.
"Castle I need you to know that I bought a ticket home a couple weeks ago." She stresses, hopes he understands what she's trying to get across. Weeks ago. Before she found out. She's getting more nervous by the second. Her palms are starting to sweat. It's on the tip of her tongue because she isn't keeping secrets about this and every minute that passes she feels like that's exactly what she's doing. "I'm coming home. I don't want to be there anymore because this is where I belong."
"I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want me to say. I'm conflicted. I miss you, I want you here but we need to really discuss things. There's no jumping right back into this like you never walked away."
"I know that." She's trying. She's trying so hard to remain calm but her hands are starting to tremble and she feels really cold for some reason. As if her body is starving for his warmth. She wants to open her mouth just tell him but she chokes on the words, stumbles to even breathe. As soon as it's out, it's real. All of it is real. "There's something I need to tell you."
There's still so much mending to do but she has to start with this. She has to be honest and she'd never keep this from him. But the words she needs just refuse to come. She pushes up from the couch, walks over to her suitcase. She's done with failing to communicate. She'll just show him. She keeps the test hidden in her hands as she returns to his side.
Expelling a sigh from her lungs she drops back down on the couch, takes in the way he's looking at her. God, she's missed those eyes, the furrow of his brow, the way his lips set in a thin line when he's upset or unsure of what's going on. She wants to reach out and grab his hand. She aches for it, just a touch. So she does. And she curses herself when he flinches and curls his fingers into his palm.
If he'd look, he would already be able see what she's holding but he's too focused on her face. She missed that too. Feeling him stare. She bites her lip, tugs on his fingers until he opens his fist and then she's placing the plastic in his hand.
It gets his attention. Her heart is racing as he looks down, pounding in her chest when his eyes widen at the realization of what he's holding, beating a rhythm that's sure will be the death of her as he frowns.
One second he's caught in her haunted eyes, losing himself down the rabbit hole, not even caring that as soon as he hits ground, he'll be left aching. He isn't Alice. This isn't Wonderland. A split second is all it takes and he's smacking the dirt. As soon as he drags his gaze from her face to glance quizzically at the item she's placed in his hand, he feels it.
Oh. Oh. Hello mouth full of dirt. It's a...oh. She's - he's - what? He knows what this is, he knows what it means but he's completely off balance. And then it hits him. This is why she's back.
Anger flares in his blood, makes him clench his fingers around the little white stick. She's...she came back because she's - he can't even. His thoughts are a mess and he knows he's tensing, straightening his shoulders in preparation for the storm about to hit. He doesn't know what to say, has no idea what's actually happening right now outside of his brain.
Of all the things he's been expecting, this is not one of them.
"Are you sure?" It's the first coherent thing out of his mouth and even he shivers at the cold bite of it.
"Y-yeah, I took four of them." He closes his eyes, drags a hand down over his face and when he opens them again, she's still watching him. Her eyes almost hopeful. Still filled with a fear that melts him. His muscles relax, shoulders dropping, throat bobbing around the lump that's forming.
"This isn't the only reason you came back, is it?"
"No. I just found out this morning." He almost fights her on it, demands more but it clicks in his head. She said she bought a ticket weeks ago. A sense of relief flood his system. He looks back down at his hand, reads the word again and again and at least four more times before it sinks in. She's pregnant. He's going to be a dad. They made a baby. And even though it shouldn't, it makes him a bit giddy to think he got Kate Beckett pregnant with his child.
The rational side kicks in. She's pregnant. They didn't plan this. He doesn't even know if she's happy about it. He thinks he is - no he knows. It's a child. He knows what a blessing a baby is. But they aren't on the most solid of foundations right now, in fact it's crumbling, cracked and he's not sure how they'll glue it back together. They have to try. Not just because there's another human being involved, but because it's what he wants. It's the reason he has a ticket to fly to DC in the morning. He should probably get a refund on that.
"The silence isn't comforting right now, Castle." There's a wisp of a smile at the corners of her mouth. Just a soft tilt that could easily be missed but he sees it.
"You're pregnant." He nods as he says it out loud, hears her as she sucks in a large amount of air.
"Yeah." He could sit here all night, demand answers from her, poke at her until they're both so raw that they just can't discuss any of it any further. He won't. For the first time he notices how tired she looks, the dark circles under her eyes that he knows match his own. He'll postpone the rest until tomorrow because it's clear that they both need the rest.
"You hungry?"
"Wha -"
"I just thought maybe you'd be hungry."
"A little." He's off the couch before she can say another word, heading into the kitchen. Arms immediately seeking the door to the fridge.
"There's spaghetti, I'll heat you up some and we can continue this." He may be frustrated and hurt but he's not a complete jackass.
"I uh - that's really sweet of you Castle, but I need to see about booking a room the night."
"Stay here." Even from where he's standing he can see the surprise in her eyes. The way her eyebrows shoot up towards the ceiling. He wouldn't offer if he didn't mean it. And he does mean it. Just because they're not quite there yet doesn't mean he's going to kick her out for the night. She doesn't have anywhere to really go besides a motel. He supposes she could go stay with her father for a night but that's not the point. Her apartment is gone.
"Are you just offering because -"
"No, I'm offering because we need to keep going with this conversation and it seems there's a bigger talk we need to have. It's easier if you stay." She seems to accept his reply, grows quiet as he heats the food. He needs to know if she's upset about being pregnant. Maybe it'll finally set in. The fact that she's...it just seems so strange. All of this does. They used to be happy and then all of it blew up in their faces.
He still loves her. That's the reason he's making her a plate, the reason he wants to talk to her about everything. Is he still angry? Yeah. Is he still hurt and confused? Hell yes but bigger things are at stake. Their relationship is one of them. He wants it back. Maybe not right away, he still hasn't even offered her a hug, she hasn't either. Things are still too pink, too raw, too tender.
They'll do this. She'll eat, they'll go to bed, and tomorrow things will look different. He just hopes she's real, that he isn't going to wake up to an empty loft. He's pretty sure he's not dreaming, there's too many emotions, too many sensations and she's never been like this in any of his dreams. She's never shown up after a month of being gone to tell him she made a mistake.
She's never looked so tired, so sad. She's never smelled of airplane - a mix of recycled air and other people's body odor. She's never been this real. It's a pretty safe bet that he'll wake up in the morning and she'll still be here.
a/n: The fact that she's pregnant actually hits Castle in the next chapter. He's still in a bit of shock atm. Also, for those who read Number One, there's a sequel I started yesterday called Two Hearts. Check it out.
