It's been five despondent days since Barry and Caitlin had their last conversation. Caitlin, who had secretly been hoping he'd make an appearance, was second guessing if she'd ever see him again (it was anything but normal for him to not attend school). While Barry, struggling to come to terms with his family's severed dynamic, has been resting over at the West's house hold (insisting he was okay, but knowing all too well that wasn't true). Although they had had their fair share of ups and downs, specifically the one where Barry let his anger get the best of him (simply because he believes Caitlin deserves far better than someone who, by his own words, "doesn't care what people think or do, as long as he gets what he wants", to be her boyfriend), but this time was far worse than anything he had ever felt. He'd gladly take a fist to the face over the browbeaten, demoralized feeling lingering in his chest any day.
He'd been impatiently waiting for his girlfriend by her locker when he caught view of her talking to somebody (someone who's far too close to looking like a guy for his liking). A blinding smile spread across her face as soon as she saw him, only to widen when their eyes made contact. The jealousy he was feeling moments ago was shoved aside as he watched her jog over to him, peppering a couple soft kisses on his cheek (Damn, he was one lucky guy).
"Someone had a good day today, huh?" He said after embracing her in a tight hug, (which wouldn't have been awkward except for the mass amount of books she was still holding).
"I don't know. I mean, my lab partner hasn't shown up for 5 days now but I can handle this project on my own." She leaned in closer to his hug and added, "He's going through a tough time though, I wouldn't blame him." She finished with a concerned expression.
"Really? I didn't know you did lab partners anymore. Hold up, you said it's a him?"
She replied with a playful smack on the shoulder, accompanied by a shy laugh and said, "Of course it's a guy. You do realize not many girls take the bio-chemistry class in my study level? So there's no need to be jealous."
As she said that, he tightened his grip on her arm, drawing her in closer before replying, "I'm allowed to get jealous. You know practically every guy can't take their eyes off of you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He was about to kiss her when they heard someone clear their throat behind them. She immediately pulled herself away from him and got back to her senses, opening up her locker with a furious blush when she reprimanded, "Ronnie, you remember Joe?"
"Yeah. How could I not? Nice to see you again, neighbour." He extended his hand to shake, now in a friendly manner (as apposed to Barry).
"Good to see you too, Ronald. I didn't know you and Ms. Snow here were still seeing each other." He replied still shaking Ronnie's hand.
"We are. So what is it that you're doing here? It doesn't look to me like anybody needs arresting." He said kind of mocking him.
"Not every day needs to be an emergency, now does it?" Joe asked, turning to Caitlin.
"No, but we were in the middle of something here."
"It's okay, Ronald. You two can continue. I'm sure what I had to say to Caitlin can wait for another time." He said and started to make his way back to the exit. He didn't appreciate Ronnie's attitude when all he wanted to tell Caitlin, was Barry would be stopping by later today to hand in his part of the science homework (and subtly ask her to keep an eye on him because of what's been going on recently).
"Detective West, wait!" She called out after him. He stopped in his tracks and looked at her. "Thank you for coming by, I'll make sure to catch up with you later."
"Come over any time, Caitlin." He smiled at her. "And you, take good care of her, okay Ronald?"
"I will, thanks." Ronnie nodded in reply and watched as Joe went on his way (mainly so he could role his eyes at his good cop, nice guy appearance).
They made their way to Ronnie's locker then headed towards their 4th period classes. It's not much fun but it's the only class they shared this semester so they kept each other company during the more boring parts of the lesson. On their way, Ronnie told her something that he'd been conjuring up (to win her affection, truthfully) since his last encounter with Barry.
"I totally misjudged him, didn't I?" He said as they found a couple seats at the back.
"Who?" She replied as she started to set up all her books before the second bell rang.
"Barry. I thought he was a total smartass."
"But he wasn't."
"Yeah but I still don't like the fact that he's hanging around with you. It's barely been a year, what makes you two so close anyways?"
"He's kind of cute."
"What?! I'm about to take back what I said about him earlier. Next time I see him I'm gonna -"
"Silly. It was a joke, we both share a love of science and he's genuinely kind to me as apposed to others who just talk to me for popularity points."
"Right." He answered unbelieving, nodding his head in a slow, mocking gesture.
"As much as I want to address your unnecessary behavior, I won't because the class has started. So, care to tell me what your plans are for tonight?" She's smiling at him now, animatedly excited as if she had plans he didn't know about.
"I never really have any plans, you know that." He said, getting a pencil and paper (to copy her notes) as the teacher began instructing. They were quiet most the class, having busied themselves with instructing her own version of the lesson to herself, and Ronnie attempting to understand both methods but to no avail.
"Hold on Caitlin, you're going too fast." Ronnie said, taking her whole notebook from her this time, to copy.
"Can I continue writing now?" She asked glaringly. He had to admit she was a little uptight, a little moody and far from comparison of that of her other female counterparts (all because of the stress from school and her cold hearted mother if you ask her).
"Yep." He replied gingerly.
She focused her eyes and was at a loss of words for what she saw. The classroom was silent with nothing but bored students happy to catch a break in the lesson. At the front was the strict, unhappy looking professor peering over at her. She bit her lip to control the nervous quiver that developed.
"So.. done chatting Ms. Snow?" She hastily asked, hitting her papers against the desk to fashion them neatly in a pile. When she just sat there in silence, the professor said, "I know interrupting the class wasn't your intention but you do realize that you also had all of lunch to talk? So I suggest you quiet down, same for you Mr. Raymond. There's no reason for young Caitlin beside you to be receiving all the blame, being older than the entire class I'd have thought you'd have known that by now." Ronnie grew angry with her statement; He had a problem with authority, yes, but the professor exposing he was held back a year.. he was furious.
"Ronnie." She held her palm over the back of his hand so he would focus on her and stop thinking about whatever was infuriating him. "Don't do it."
"Wha.. why not?"
"It's a bad decision, Ronnie. You'll be suspended. How about you just take a-"
"A walk, I know. I know what you want me to do and I appreciate your efforts but I'm already calm, see? There's nothing to worry about." He said, but a moments notice never passed where she believe a single word.
"Ronnie I know you, and you don't get over things quickly, nor do you suppress.. anything. So just, please? For me? Don't hurt anyone.." She turned in her chair to give him a kiss on the cheek.
"If you insist, Caitlin. Now, I'll be back."
He walked to the front of class and glared at the teacher with a look beyond disgrace. When they were done talking, Ronnie stood up from leaning against the desk and left.
"Make it back before the bell."
"Whatever."
He forcefully pushed the door open and outside the classroom was a hell of a lot more peaceful but it still didn't repress his anger. Wow, this is amazing Caitlin. Thank you. I wonder what other plausible ideas you'll have for me next. He gave himself an inward smile as he let his thoughts neglect her.
"Dude, watch out." Some kid reprimanded, knocking into Ronnie as they walked past, shoulder checking him.
"Watch where your walking, kid. Who do you think you are, some entitled white boy? Don't doubt just because this hall has cameras I won't think twice about knocking you out."
"You can threaten me all you want because no matter how tough you act all you're ever going to be is a bully."
"Yeah, so I'd watch your mouth before-"
"Aww did the tough guy loose his train of thought?"
His fist stiffened and he went to throw a punch at the kid in front of him, but he stopped.
"What's this? Don't tell me you're actually thinking you can hit me?" The kid asked him, amused. They must really know what they're up against to instigate an argument with Ronnie.
"A fight isn't complete without contact, now is it?" He raised an eyebrow at him. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hold back on you like the many other times I have. I'm actually going to break you, Mr. Allen." He said with a smirk.
"Oh, are you now? This better be good, Mr. Raymond." He teased him right back though he was practically screaming like a fool on the inside (not that he figured this would most likely hurt less than what he was already experiencing in his own time).
"Trust me, it will be."
His fist began making contact with Barry, from kidney to liver it was a repetitive motion with remarkable force. He ignored how the bells rang and the halls filled with students. Barry had come to school only to drop off his portion of the lab project (because he couldn't just leave it all up to Caitlin) and decided he could probably run away any moment now but with the state he was already in and the thoughts of his mothers death already strumming through his mind, he told himself he deserved it. This had to be better than his thoughts.. Anything had to be better than those thoughts.
He took a knee to the groin.
Suffering is a part of life..
A hook to the kidney.
The pain is supposed to feel good..
Another to the liver.
Nothing you do is going to make things better..
Again to the kidney.
You're supposed to feel guilty for her death..
His back hit the wall.
Maybe if you killed yourself you could see your mom again..
A final blow to the jaw.
Nobody cares about you..
He didn't even fight back.
It's almost the end of their freshman year and Caitlin was waiting for Ronnie to change his clothes after his last football practice of the year. She insisted on coming to watch him play even though she had no interest in the sport and exams were the very next day. Ronnie made his way to her and hugged her, picking her up and pulling her into his arms.
"Ronnie, put me down!" She said in between smiling an glaring. As soon as her feet touched the ground she expected a sweet kiss on the lips, but it was replaced by, "Thanks for coming to support me, Babe. It means a lot to know I have my own personal cheerleader."
"That's the role I had to take when I became your- I am not your personal cheerleader, Ronnie!" She glared at him, using air quotes to emphasize herself.
"Yeah, but you are, and the prettiest one at that."
"Okay, enough with your failed attempt at sweet talk. Come on, we need to get home and study."
"Wait, can't your exams wait?"
"No silly, they're tomorrow at noon."
"Well, if you say so. I wouldn't want to argue with a girl as genius as you."
"I hope you'd remember that in the years to come" There's a hint of conviction in her smile. The way he smiled made her think of him, wanting to have the same future as they planned out many times before, but something in her head was beginning to doubt. Did she really just second guess their future?
Soon, they arrived in a more wealthy looking neighbourhood, or for that matter, Caitlin's house. Knowing him, this is the last place Caitlin would have thought Ronnie would want to spend the next couple hours but if she had any luck with keeping that scholarship under her name then she had to do perfect on her tests.
It still surprised her how he always found it an odd behaviour to get right down and into her homework (for the feelings they shared, something just didn't click together when it came down to understanding one another).
"Woah Caitlin, I didn't know you were into this kind of stuff." He said as he followed her inside her house.
"I'm not. That's all my mom's work. I just thought this room was decently quite enough for us to focus." She said, settling down at the table she had chosen.
"Yeah, I guess it is. But tell me we aren't going to spend all our time studying are we? I don't want you to over study and fail.. y'know?"
"And here I thought I was the uptight one."
"You still are, definitely."
"Yeah? Watch this." She said trying to challenge him. He didn't even know what she meant by that until he felt her soft lips pressing against his, followed by the swift notion of dropping her bag and wrapping her arms around his neck.
"Caitlin, what are you doing? I thought the only thing on your mind was exams." He looked at her in disbelief.
"They can wait. Look, you just won the last football game of the season, so that calls for a celebration.. and that's what we're gonna do." She had this playful smile on her face that he knew all too well (it's the same one she has whenever she was trying to explain the latest scientific advancements to him in the hallways). "I'm not complaining, if you aren't?" Now it's her turn to give him the best puppy dog eyes and he knew he wasn't strong enough to deny those, let alone her.
"I'm not complaining at all." He was shaking his head but a smile was secretly creeping up on his face.
Just a few kisses in and Ronnie was way beyond turned on unlike he had even been so he decided to pick Caitlin up and take her to her bedroom, not until he heard her rather familiar voice reminding him, "Stay, here; Mom's up there, and I doubt she'd wanna catch us right now." When he didn't continue moving, she started kissing him again. "Caitlin, I wanna-" As soon as the words slipped his tongue he knew there was no way to explain what he wanted with words, but to just go through with it.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"It's okay, I'll take it easy Caitlin." He said placing his hand on her waist to draw her closer.
"No, Ronnie, I'm not ready-"
"It's okay, I promise to go slow, I don't want to rush into this either." He said moving his hands to unbutton her shirt.
"No. Ronnie, I don't want to-"
"We don't have to rush anything." He said trailing kisses from her lips, to her neck, and down to her collar bone.
"You don't have my consent." She took a step back creating distance between them.
"But I- Come on, it'll be fun and it's legal too, were both sixteen."
"I'm fourteen."
Fourteen. That created distance.
The silence that resonated throughout the room wasn't as peaceful as Caitlin had hoped it to be. Between worrying about what he was going to say and keeping a close eye on the time, she hadn't had a second to breathe. So when he finally decided to speak up, she let out a sigh of relief.
"Okay Caitlin, let's say you didn't just tell me that, when were you planning on telling me the truth?" Ronnie said as he almost looked tempted to grab his bag and leave. They were on shaky ground when Caitlin decided to speak again.
"Ronnie." She said then tried reaching for his hand.
"What?"
"Don't.." She spoke again.
"Don't, what? I'm not the one who lied Caitlin." He didn't know an upset Caitlin could seem so annoying. But he enjoyed seeing her like this. Its not everyday that the reasonable and uptight Caitlin Snow would end up looking this miserably upset.
"But whatever. You know what I've just realized?" He had a problematic smile on his face like he had just found his new victim to bully.
"What?" She swallowed hard.
"This song and dance we've been doing? That's totally over now."
"What? No.."
"Remember those famous last words- I would never lie to you~" Her expression was so utterly downcast he couldn't help but laugh at her. "Well I guess, once a liar, always a liar."
"What about us?" She asked after getting ahold of herself.
"You're so pathetic for being such a smart girl, Caitlin. So what about us? I really thought we had something between us." Although he knew how much damage his words could inflict, he couldn't help but feel ecstatic while doing it.
"Yeah? And what about now?" It was only on rare occasions like this that Caitlin would really show her emotions without him having to decipher her with a fine tooth comb so he decided it wouldn't hurt him to hurt her just that much more. He was about to answer when her mother knocked, clearly having heard Ronnie raise his voice.
"Get out!" Caitlin exclaimed.
"Keep your voice down, Caitlin. Don't wanna disturb your neighbour's now." He was already at the door and she had realized what he wanted all along. "Don't you dare ever try to associate with me again got it, Ronald?"
"Don't plan on it." Her mom opened the door for him and guided him through the living room, making sure he left at her daughters command.
"And don't be so full of yourself got it? This was all your fau-"
"You don't think it was inappropriate for you to take advantage of my daughter at this ungodly hour in the state she's already in, do you Mr. Raymond?" An intimidating voice that came from a woman now holding the door open captured Ronnie's attention. "Get out of our house. And see it fit that you'll never step another foot here again." She gestured for him to take the final steps outside the door and before he could protest, she was already closing the door on him.
"Mom, I didn't know he-"
"Of course you didn't know. You see, there are a lot of things you're not aware of sweetheart. Let me start off with how much of a nuisance he was to my daughter especially to the bright future ahead of her." Caitlin smiled upon hearing those words. As much as her mother made it hard to believe love was truly an emotion she felt, she still had her own special ways in showing she cared.
"I hope you know your the only daughter I have, the sole heir to everything I have worked so hard for. And I am not comfortable with the idea that some day I'll have to entrust all of that to a guy like him. But your a smart girl, aren't you? So I choose to believe you'll make better decisions than him in the future."
"With all due respect Mom, I can assure you I will make way better choices. He might have been the most amazing guy I've ever met and someone I'd give up studying just to hang out with, but I know now I let my brain get too mixed up with my heart and made the wrong decision. I know I don't have much experience in dating but I can assure you if I ever get in a relationship again you won't have to worry about loosing your hard work to a jerk like that."
"I can say, I'm amazed by your determination Ms. Snow. But for now how about we just go get a cup of tea and watch a movie. I know you're a smart girl so I'll just ask you once. Do me a favour and stay my young girl for as long as you can. We both know I don't do well with change."
"I'm sorry Mom I can't do that. You of all people know well enough that I'm right in the midst of hitting puberty. Change is kind of inevitable, if you didn't clue in already." And with that, She hugged her. It wasn't like they shared typical mother - daughter conversations to say the least but they still had their own special bonds.
"You know you're almost too smart for your age, Ms. Snow?"
"Yeah, but you love me, so you have to deal with it Dr. Tanahauser."
"That I can agree with."
And true to her words, she really did love her.
Maybe her mother wasn't as cold as the world perceived.
The next day at school had been challenging for her, and Barry for that matter as he still hasn't heard from Caitlin since he had that conversation with her boyfrie.. with Ronnie. They were supposed to see each other in the halls, the cafeteria, the science lab.. but now even he didn't know if he'll see her again. He kept on passing by her locker in hopes to see her but he always went home defeated. If he had a phone he would've called a thousand times, but he didn't. If it wasn't for the one restraint he had keeping him in place, he would've lost his mind by now. He was starting to think that maybe if he had kept his mouth shut about his feelings and just accepted she was with Ronnie, things would be much better than this. At least, then he'd have his mom to fall back on at the end of the day.
One night, he heard a loud knock on his door, shaking him out of his thoughts.
"Just a minute!" He hurried to the door, fumbling to put on a sweatshirt in the process. Why would anybody be visiting him this late at night, he thought. He opened the door and stood blankly by what he saw. There he was, pill bottle in his hand, skin looking a little more tired than usual but it still formed that common expression he remembered.
"Barry.." He looked at him, holding a glass of water firmly in his other hand.
"Joe. I don't need to take those. Why do you insist? Just go back to bed and let me slee-"
"You haven't been sleeping. You know that. These will help you stop thinking about her. I'm not asking you too much, just this. I'm not a doctor but with the simple science I do know, antidepressants do help those who are depressed so if you don't want to take them for my sake then take them.. for.. Iris's sake." He was crying hard now and Joe just held him tightly, running his hands up and down his back.
"Shh.. Barry, it's alright. I've got you. I know you don't like them so we'll figure something out. But now you should try and get some rest, okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
It'd been 3 weeks since Barry hadn't gotten a proper night's sleep. He knew it wasn't going to be easy to just get right back in the swing of things and he would have to work harder than before to catch up in school and rebuild the relationships that really mattered but he couldn't deny the sadness still building up inside him knowing his parents will never be by his side from now on. It's a good thing that it's still sweater weather and he still had the option to hide what he was doing to himself from the outside world, but it was only a matter of time until his actions and caught up to his present and the problem came to light.
"Dinner's ready!" Joe called from the kitchen where he had just put the plates on the table.
"I'll be there in a minute."
"Bar, come on. You should eat it while it's hot."
"Fine. If you insist." They already had a routine in the time he's been living there. Joe would cook the meals and Barry and Iris would clean up afterwards. Seeing that something's not quite right with Barry, he decided to ask what's been bothering him.
"You okay, Bar?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Its just that, my guidance counsellor talked to me today."
"What did he say?" He said with a worried expression on his face.
"That he wants to see me again tomorrow. He said it was something important."
"So what are you planning to do?"
"I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. He probably wants to talk about.. wants me to talk about.."
"You should try it. It's only been a couple months, but maybe it'd be a good choice to open up about it. Who knows what they'll want. But whatever it is, you know you've got Iris and I to fall back on."
"You remind me. But if he wants to talk about.. I think I'm going to pass."
"Are you sure? Bar, it's your mom were talking about here."
"Exactly, Joe. That's why I don't want to talk about it." His eyes were pleading him but he wouldn't back down so easily, the thought of his mothers murder beginning to eating him up again.
"What if it's for your own good? What if bringing the problem to light will make it easier to get over? I can't see you so sad, Barry. Not for much longer."
"So this was all just a big set up. What if I don't want to get over her, huh? It's not like you came home to your Dad being put into handcuffs and your mom lying in a pool of her own blood, with a knife stuck in her chest. So just trust me on this one, please?" He could see the resolve in his eyes and he knew he had won the argument.
"Fine. But promise me one thing?"
"What?"
"At least take your meds?"
"Fine." He dropped his bag to the floor and took a pill from the bottle on the table as a show of compromise.
It's almost midnight and he still hasn't found a comfortable enough position to sleep. He's been tossing and turning and pacing back and forth in his room contemplating whether he should go and get it over with but he made a promise to himself on his mothers behalf and he intended on keeping it. A few minutes later he heard the familiar sound of his door opening and he quickly threw himself under the covers to avoid suspicion.
"Iris! What are you doing in my room at this time a night?" He said motioning her out as if she would just leave at the motion of his hand. "Sleep walking? Bad dream? Are you okay?"
"Barry." She said holding back the tears that were threatening to spill.
"Iris, come on. Just tell me what happened." His eyes were searching hers, irretrievably looking for answers.
"Barry I'm worried." And all the tears she was trying so hard to stop were falling like a waterfall free-flowing from her eyes.
"What? Why are you crying? What are you worried about?" There's a lot of emotions coursing through him right now (and he had to admit they weren't all for Iris, but he wasn't going to be selfish) So instead he directed his attention towards her.
"About you. I'm worried about you Barry. My dad, he wanted me to stay out of your business and if I agreed he assured me you'd be okay. But I told him no, I told him that I don't need his assurance when my best friend I've known since forever is hurting and I.. I.." Barry motioned her in his room, trying to give her the comfort she needed. "I can't see you so sad, Barry. But I don't want you suppressing your feelings either, too. I don't think I can take it."
"It's okay, Iris. I'm right here. I'm not crying, see? I need you to believe I'm okay. Please, Iris?" He looked at her in the eyes, those eyes that he grew up looking into every time they had play dates as children. When she nodded at him, he let out a sigh of relief and gave her a brief hug for comfort.
"I love you Barry. I love you like the brother I've always secretly wanted. I hope you don't forget that."
"I won't. Now why don't you go to bed? Tomorrow is a school day and I don't want my.. best-sister-friend to be exhausted."
The next morning, Barry woke up in a cold sweat. Panic started to well up inside him until he felt a pair of warm hands pressing him back down on the bed to stabilize him.
My father didn't killer my mom.
Why won't you just believe me?
He would never do such a thing.
It wasn't him.. it wasn't him.. he didn't kill her..
He didn't kill her..
No, no, no, no, this isn't happening again, he thought to himself. Has Barry lost his mind? Joe would kill him if he found out he was dreaming about his mother's murder again. Joe tried calming him but every time he tried Barry would just begin panicking again. He tried talking to him but it worked to no avail. He got up quickly and looked for his meds, thinking as to where Barry would've put them. He also contacted Carla hoping she may be able to talk him through how to help Barry out in this situation (because she was a doctor, on top of the convenience of being their neighbour) but it seemed Barry didn't intend on letting anyone help him with this.
After minutes of Joe desperately searching through his drawers for his meds and Carla coming over in person to help him deal with the issue, she deduced it was just a severe panic attack and he should try and get some rest and not go to school today because he looked beyond exhausted, until her phone rang and she had to go. It was her daughter calling from the other end.
"Hello? Caitlin is something the matter?" Worry was very much evident in her voice.
"No, but I didn't see you this morning and I was just curious as to where you were because usually if you go somewhere you're notorious for leaving a note, especially when you promised to drive me to school today. Is something the matter for you?" She was unable to speak for who knows how long. She was just standing there, worried about where her mother was because it was anything but normal for her to pull a stunt like that. She eventually returned to her senses and realized where her mother had said she was, the worry leaving her body in a stream of relief.
When she took a step outside to catch a ride to school, she saw Joe sitting on his porch with... Barry? looking just about as worried and tired as her mom looked leaving the two of them alone.
"Mom, what happened? And why is... Barry there?"
"Everything is okay now. But Caitlin, I need to talk to you first?" As much as she wanted to run over and pull Barry into an insanely tight hug, she couldn't deny the plead in her mother's eyes.
"Sure. What is it?"
"Caitlin, I know how much he likes you. Even now, when he was experiencing his worst panic attack, he couldn't stop bringing you up. How lately he would pass by your locker every single day hoping to see the brunette with eyes that shined when she smiled. Just the mere sound of your name calmed him down in a way I didn't even know was scientifically possible. But when I said your name you should've seen the way he instantly stopped kicking and fighting his way away from his own sadness, telling me how you're the only one he's ever confided in about his mother's passing. And I knew in that moment, you're way more a vital part in his life that you may want but I guess what I'm just trying to say is.. you were the only thing that's made him smile in the past 3 months from what Joe has told me and I know I'm not one to believe in the superstition that feelings rank a higher value than logic, but with everything he's been going through lately, and the alarming amounts of bruises he has fading on his skin I guess maybe I'm just asking if you could try and be more there for him. You don't have to love him, like him, reciprocate the way he feels for you but maybe if anything you could possibly watch out for him? I've never asked a favour of you like this before but for the sake of his health, I really think -" As she came to a close with her words, tears were streaming down Caitlin's face together with all the emotions she held with it.
"Yeah.. of course. I didn't know it had gotten to be that bad I haven't even seen him lately and-"
"I know Caitlin and I'm not blaming you for this. I just have a favour to ask you. If you truly care about him, keep and eye on him. It's asking alot I know but I don't think I can ever stand to see another teenage boy look so absolutely broken like that again.. and judging by your reaction nor could you."
"I understand. Can I go see him now?" She was conflicted in many ways but she made sure of what's really important and that's him. She made her way to his porch, swallowing every selfish thought she had ever assumed or let people assume about him and just focused on him and how much he really needed somebody to talk right now.
He was sitting there, battered and bruised with red eyes and puffy cheeks from crying. He had a miserable look in his eyes and she just wished she could've been there for him before it really got to being this bad. She reached out a hand to hold his, not minding the tears still quietly descending from her face.
"Hey, why the tears? I already I hate seeing you like this you know."
"Barry.. You don't have to go through this alone. You know you have me and you always will."
"Yeah. Its just Ronnie always made it so adamant for me to stay away from you.. See my face? I just thought you wanted nothing to do with me anymore." She would've laughed at the lack of confidence he had for believing she never wanted to see him again if it weren't for this situation (because that was anything but true).
"But I could never, Barry. Not like this. You deserve so much mo-"
"But I don't. Don't say that, Cait. Plus everything will be alright."
"How can you even say that?"
"Because you're here with me and I'm not going any place either. Hell, I couldn't even go any where if I wanted to." Barry let out a humorless chuckle. A look of longing stretching across his face.
"What do you mean- no, no, no, no. This isn't happening. Please tell me Ronnie didn't hurt you. Please tell me he didn't do anything to impair your ability to walk. Barry your scholarship-"
"Cait, stop. You're mom put me on house arrest because I haven't been sleeping since.. since it happened. Ronnie just left me with these bruises, a couple days of blurry vision and my lack of handing in my.. Our science project on time. I can walk, I can run, just like I have been my whole life. Heck, that's all I really wanna do right now; Keep my focus on the blurry sides because reality is just too much for me to handle, focus on the sidelines because it just seems like the easier option. Because I could care less about what's waiting for me at the finish line and quite frankly I don't want to look up and find out, even if I did have the energy to keep going because as it sits right now.. as I sit right now I wouldn't care if I ever tried doing anything ever again."
"Barry.." It's getting harder and harder for her to listen to him when he's talking like this, talking like he's giving up on himself, his life.
"I know you probably didn't want to hear me say that but it's been weighing down on me for a while. I need to know that you'll be here for me when I need you tomorrow or in days to come."
"Barry you mean so much to me, you know that? You mean so much to everyone in your life and I assure you that I will forever be there for you when you need me. You are so true and genuine, don't you ever forget that okay? Because if you do I'll poison you myself just so Joe will have to call my mother so she will have to be your doctor and I'll get to take care of you." She reached up and touched his cheek, careful not to touch the gash or any of the bruises that Ronnie inflicted. "Come on, you should get some rest."
"I care about you too, Cait. Just remember nothing in me is lost as long as I have you. So you'll be here when I need you, right?" He's caressing her hand with his free hand, not wanting to let go but his medication was slowly overtaking his senses.
She didn't answer. Instead, she just hugged him again.
This time a little tighter than the last.
"Bartholomew Henry Allen? I need you to sit up and look straight ahead.."
Everything fades into silence as he looked up at her. The light was blinding but nothing in comparison to that of his headache, the pounding in the back of his head that reminded him he was still conscious. It was a fist fight after all, always is, nothing he can avoid or fight his way away from as long as jocks like him existed. Funny, how the kid who could spit out math equations far ahead of his regarded IQ, never found the smarts to back down on situations he knew would only lead to blood and bruises.
He told himself he wouldn't get involved with Ronnie because he shouldn't. It was his decision after all so he should listen to himself and suck it up. But how could he when everything he said pushed his buttons and went against all the moral codes he was taught to follow and respect all his life? Then he reminded himself why he got himself in this situation in the first place. He sat up and stared into the bright white light the school nurse shone in his eyes and awaited his dismissal.
As the light was removed from his line of vision, he hoped it was all just a bad dream Joe was going to wake him up from. But when he felt the nurse dabbing his face, wiping a few stray drops of blood, and Caitlin, a few tears, he knew there's no way of going back from here.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to cry."
"It's okay Barry, I won't judge. It looks painful and I just really wish this hadn't happened to you."
"I didn't have much choice, Caitlin. It's better this way."
"I wish there were a better way for you to have stood up for me."
"I wasn't going to let him hurt you. You don't know how many times I'd switch places with you as long as it means your okay."
"You're right. But trust me when I said you looked better bruised and battered, I was just kidding. I like you for who you are and I just really wish he hadn't hurt you. Please don't pull a stunt like that ever again." Where she got the confidence to talk to him like a high school principal was still a mystery to her. But all she cared about right now was him and for him to tell her he'll never try and fight Ronnie again, for both his and her sake.
"Just so you know, I didn't give up on my own free will."
"But you didn't have to fight him either." Her words went straight to him and being as much as he wanted to argue with her on the topic right now, he couldn't. He knew she was right. He didn't have to risk his own safety for her even if he was willing to give up just about everything for her. He was just getting over the primary feelings of his mothers death for goodness' sake and that was only one of the many things she could sense he was dealing with. She really wondered how much more he could take, but then she remembered, 'Nothing in me is ever lost as long as I have you'.
It just kept repeating inside her mind and she couldn't take it anymore.
"Barry, I don't think I can do this."
"I don't know what you mean? Caitlin did I mess something up between us?"
"What? No Barry, I meant that in a different context."
He began pushing her away out of frustration. He had to admit he was struggling to deal with his emotions so when his nature began pushing her away she immediately caught on and corrected herself.
"Hey, I know how frustrating it is to understand somebody when you've got a lot going on in that smart brain of yours, so just take a deep breath and we'll try that again." Her voice was soothing, a relaxed and calm nature from what it may have been a moment ago.
She tried again.
When the nurse left the room she reached for his hands to unstuff from his pockets. At first he was kind of confused when she placed them on her cheeks then lifted onto her tip toes to match his height but what really caught him off guard was the allowance she gave him when he leaned forward and pressed his lips into hers.
No, she didn't turn her cheek, they didn't lean forehead against forehead, it wasn't for comfort and it wasn't for confidence. But this.. this was something else.. something even she, the smartest girl he knew, didn't have an explanation for. And it seemed to be just this that struck with the reason she began no longer seeing the future between her and Ronnie..
"I'm sorry that was way out of line, I just couldn't help it. I should've been able to but I got caught up in everything that was running through my mind and I forgot to ask. Caitlin, I promise you next time I'll ask." He began stumbling over his words and in that moment she realized this wasn't something she ever wanted to abandon. He wasn't someone she ever wanted to abandon.
"Its totally okay"
When he was still young, he dreamt of what it'd be like to grow up. He had quite the impressive list of what he wanted to be, hid mother always told him, but looking back on it today a carcinogenic teenager definitely wasn't one of them.
By the time he was dismissed, he guessed he must've taken a nap because Caitlin had left him a note that she'd been picked up almost 30 minutes ago, but even so, the taste of her lips still resonated on his.
As soon as he reached the outside of the school grounds, rain started pouring hard like the heavens were sympathizing with him. He positioned his hood to cover him fully and ran like a madman to the only place he wanted to be right now. There was something in his brain that was nit picking at the idea something wasn't entirely okay within him right now. He dialed her number just so he could hear the only voice he knew could ground him in situations like this. He didn't even expect her to answer because he had just received a cell the other day incase of an emergency, but even the sound of her voicemail would have sufficed. Surprise is an understatement when she picked up on the fourth ring.
"Hello?"
"Caitlin, It's me Barry. I just woke up in the nurses office and I want to apologize for misunderstanding you like that. It was childish of me that I would turn a cold shoulder on somebody who's helped me out more than I could've ever ask and I didn't mean to I swear. I understand now that when you first thought I shouldn't have fought for you, I should've listened but I guess I was afraid of what could've happened to you in the interim."
"Barry? It's all okay. Where are you right now? Because its pouring rain out and I can gladly come get you."
"It's okay I'm actually dry, I found shelter. But come to the school for me will you? I know I shouldn't be asking you this but Caitlin I'm in a really bad place. This might be a lot for you to process all at once but if you're going to know everything about me than I have to tell you what I even refuse to believe about myself."
"Bar, I'm here for you. You can tell me anything." She stayed relatively calm on the phone but in the mean time she had run downstairs from her room and basically thrown the car keys at her mother signalling they had to get going somewhere. "Keep talking to me Bar, whatever you need to say I'm listening"
"I'm beginning to panic. I should've never let myself get involved in the real world's again. It's becoming more and more stressful the longer I try and show I'm okay to the world when I'm really not."
"Is there an adult with you right now? Barry I'm on my way, is that okay?" Her mother had to admit she was staying relatively calm for however nerve wracking the one side of the conversation sounded.
"I'm alone, and I lied. I'm still at school and I'm beginning to think I should've listened to myself when I had the chance before and maybe still I'd have the strength to keep going, because as it sits right now I can feel it getting harder and harder to overcome this urge, this need I have inside of me when all I wanna do is be with her. All I ever wanna do is be with my mom again."
"Barry you're starting to scare me. I forgive you, okay? Just stay where you are and we'll continue to about this. Just breathe. We're almost there, you're going to be okay soon."
"I really wish that was true. Because by the time you get here It's already going to be too late."
"No, its not going to be too late, tell me what's going on Bar. I can walk you through it."
"You're the only one I trust and I'm sorry if it's such a burden to deal with my problems but you don't know how happy- Agh!"
"It's not a burden, believe me... Bar? Hey, what happened?"
"Nothing.. I just.. that blade was sharper than I anticipated it to be."
"Bar? Barry? Barry!? NO! Come on, don't do this! Please Barry! BARRY!"
The sound of her pleads were the only thing that kept him sane. He didn't know up until now how deep a hole he had really dug himself into until the only reason he was still holding on after all this time was because he loved this woman more than he could possibly love himself. A depreciating thought but its funny to know how just the right amount of kindness and the perfect amount of stranger can add up to be quite the mixture you needed to hold on and keep trying. He had dropped the blade to the floor but the damage had already been done. Blood beaded to the surface of his skin and it didn't stop at that. The razor nicked all his heeling scars which just added to the flush of colour and pain to the surface of his arm.
"I'm sorry, Caitlin"
Authors' Note: As read in the description of this Fanfiction, the content of some chapters would include self-harm mentions and/ or depictions, blood, or sexual mentions and/ or descriptions; That is also implied in an M-Rating Novel, so please avoid the spread of hate and I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!
Oh! And cliffhangers?!
Don't you just love them?
Also, to answer your question AReiss215, Yes, I did rewrite this whole Fanfiction and I did try and get ahold of you (because you were the only one leaving your opinion) through PM, but when it worked to no avail I just decided to go on through with my choice to rewrite. It will be following the same story line as the previous chapters you've read but this time with a lot more in depth view of things. I hope you're not upset and continue to enjoy this Fanfiction. PS. Thanks for the continuous support.
Until next chapter, -SnowbarryFamily
