They say before you start a war,
You better know what you're fighting for.
Well, baby, you are all that I adore.
If love is what you need, a soldier I will be.
"School sucks," Mark groaned as he flopped his head down into his open math book, his math homework lying half done next to him on the crimson bedspread. I chuckled as I spun around in Mark's desk chair, tucking my wings closer into my back as I leaned back into the back rest, before taking a look at the ten year old sprawled out on his stomach.
It had been a little over four years since I had found him on the streets and a lot of things had changed in that time. Mark had been adopted with just a little help from me, he had grown although admittedly not by much. He was still a cute shorty. Now Mark was going to school and things were beginning to look up for the boy but I was no closer to figuring out why my power, my very being was drawn to him that I was when we first met. And the worst part was that it was getting substantially worse as time passed. I didn't know how much more of it I could take before I would break. It didn't just draw me to him. It made every sense of mine heighten more than ever until I can smell his natural scent on the air, see for miles away, I could feel every grain of texture when I touched something,and I could hear the smallest insect in Mark's green yard. It was driving me insane because it only happened around Mark and I couldn't figure out why or how to stop it. It wasn't like my other powers that I could just flick off like a switch. It ran deeper, was more ancient.
"Jackkkkkkkkk," Mark whined as he lifted his head from the book and poked out his plump lower lip in a pout. "Can you help me, pwease?"
It was hard to say no after the cute little pwease he added, those doe eyes and that pout and Mark knew it. The boy could play me like a fiddle when it suited him and that was definitely something none of my other charges had been able to do, besides Her of course but Mark didn't have to know that. Unfortunately for Mark, he asked for help in the wrong subject entirely.
"Sorry Marky but I was always shite at math. Geography too. Both are likely because when I was born we didn't have that fancy math or that many places to memorize," I told him before I absentmindedly picked up one of the many pencils scattered around Mark's keyboard and began twirling it between my fingers as I listened to the light drumming of night time rain on the roof. At first I remembered trying not to cuss to much in front of him since he was one of my youngest charges ever but I had soon thrown in the towel on that one and just hoped he didn't pick up on that pattern of speech, not that it was an unusual thing if he did. There was nothing in the guardian angel handbook that says I have to keep my charges from swearing or that I couldn't. And yes the handbook was a real thing.
Mark sat up on his knees and adjusted his white t-shirt to cover the bit of tan skin peeking out from the top of his jeans before sliding his legs off his bed so he could look straight at Jack. The boy was short enough that his bare feet barely brushed the carpet when he sat like that.
"Well if you can't help me with my homework, will you at least help me take a break? There are some questions I have been wanting to ask for awhile."
"Okay. Shoot Marky," I said as I let the pencil fall back to the wood of the desk before propping my head up in my hand and gazing at him.
"The one I have been wondering the longest is about your accent. Actually not just the accent, the way you talk in general with all the cussing and stuff."
"I'm Irish. The accent and the swearing come with the territory," I said chuckling.
"I know that but an Irish angel doesn't make much sense. I thought angel were supposed to be well.. saints and you don't act like one." Mark said as his brows furrowed but I had to agree. I was no way a saint. Mark continued his thoughts," I guess what I'm asking is why are you Irish?"
"Well like all guardian angels, I was human once. An Irishman back in the day with my own guardian angel."
"You had a guardian angel?" The boy said, leaning forward in interest with bright eyes that I was sure I could drown in if I let myself but I had to remind myself that he was one of my charges and just a kid but I couldn't deny that something was there under my skin that wanted him.
"Yep. That's why we exist. Ta weed out the good for the bad and when ye die if it's not early then ye will become one of us," I said watching as Mark grinned.
"That's awesome and we will still be friends then right?" But then the bright grin faded. "But you probably have other charges to that have joined you, don't you?"
"Not as much as ye might imagine," I said, telling the truth but hoping it would put that bright smile back on his young face. "I only guide them fer awhile and what they do after is their choice."
"Oh. You said that if I die early then I won't become a guardian angel. Have you ever had one of your charges die?"
That was one of the downsides to having a bright and inquisitive charge. They had a way of getting under your skin and unraveling your hidden, innermost thoughts. I simply nodded in response as the memories assaulted me. The sound of her laugh, the feel of her head resting on my shoulder as we watched a movie, the way she sang along to every song on the radio as she drove with me in the passenger seat laughing all the while, all the happy memories but I also remembered the funeral that I shouldn't have been at: the way her skin had lightened enough to blend into the silken lining of the casket, the sound of her parents crying, the hot tears that rolled down my own face and the way I couldn't help but think it was my fault.
It was the sound of a drawer opening and closing that brought me back to the present. Mark was pulling out a pair of dark pajama bottoms and slipping off his jeans before pulling them on. "How many of them died?"
I didn't answer as one last memory of her slid away again.
The hands of the newly dead's hand on my shoulder and the smile on her lips even after I had told her that I wouldn't take another charge after that; that I had lost faith on the world and I would rather die to be with her. And the words she uttered:
"It wasn't your fault. Don't give up because of me. Give the world one more chance and you might find that it's not so bad."
"Jack. Did any of them die?"
Suddenly I found it too much. Mark's questions were ringing in my head like bells, bringing guilt and anger with them. I stood up quickly, slamming my hand into the desk with a loud thunk, scaring the young boy who just stared at me with wide dark eyes. I took a deep breath as I stepped away to the window.
"Enough questions fer now," I said as I slid the window open and peered out. I just wanted to get away and be by myself but it was raining so hard. I was debating whether or not to go ahead and fly through it and deal with uncomfortably wet wings or pretend sleep in Mark's desk chair again when his impossibly soft and tiny voice spoke.
"I'm sorry Jack," He said and I turned to look at him. He was once again sitting in his bed looking up at me but this time his already dark eyes were clouded with sadness and I found myself angry at having been the one to put it there. "I don't want you to leave again," He said referring to the other few times I had needed to get away and had ended up on a nearby rooftop alone. It's raining so stay. Please. For me."
For a ten year old, he sure knew how to pull on people's heartstrings and as he probably knew it would make me do; I crumbled.
"Okay, Marky. Time to get ready fer bed." I said as I slid the window closed again and walked over to pick up Mark's homework and textbooks off his bed and set the on top of his desk as the kid burrowed under his comforter. I was just about to sit down in the desk chair when he spoke up again.
"Jack."
I turned to look at him and found that he was sitting up in his bed and was facing me. I didn't say anything, just nodded in acknowledgement that I had heard him.
"Come over here. You can't keep sleeping in that chair and there is plenty of room over here next to me."
I slowly nodded, ignoring the screaming in my head telling me no and padded over to him. He laid down as I toed off my shoes and pulled my hoodie off so I was left in a black t-shirt and maroon sweats. I settled on top of the blankets on my stomach next to him with a small contented sigh.
I used to do this with her too. I'd lay beside by her side keeping her company with laughter and smiles on the nights sleep evaded her,and watching as she slowly drifted off to sleep, her dirty blond hair spread out on her pale pillowcase. She was the reason I developed the habit of sleeping even when I didn't need it that much. Because of her I found that the normally energy depletion that too much time on Earth could be lessened by sleep but after I lost her, I lost the ability to find sleep.
I shook myself of the memories and instead focused on the present and the ten year old already beginning to drift off, black lashes brushing lightly across his cheeks as his eyes would flutter closed even though he seemed to be fighting sleep. That strange feeling rose up but even though I was beginning to recognize it, I made a promise right then, lying in that bed that I would never do anything by it. I would never defile her memory like that. But three minutes later, I was already beginning to break that promise as I drifted off to sleep, with Mark's even breathing as background noise, for the first time since her death.
